"Headline News"


Once, there was this kid who
Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint
And when he finally came back
He had cane marks all over his bottom
He said that it was from when
The warden whacked it so hard

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

[whip sound] Ahh

Once there was this girl who
Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion
And when she finally made it
She saw some other girl who was better [ding sound]
And so she hired some guy to
Club her in the kneecap

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
[thwack sound] Ahh
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

They got paid for their sound bites
And sold their TV movie rights

And then, there was this guy who
Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner
And when he finally came to
He found that Mr. Happy was missing
He couldn't quite explain it
It'd always just been there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)

Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)

(There were, there is)
(There were, there is)

"Hit Me With A Rock"


When I was a little boy
(When I was just a boy)
And my mother would call my name
(When I was just a boy)
She'd say I had to be in the house by seven
(When I was just a boy)

But I'd stay out late at night
(When I was just a boy)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, I know she'd hit me, she'd hit me
She'd sit me on her knees and whip me

Oh, she'd hit me with a rock
She'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
She'd hit me (hit me with a rock)
She'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)

And when I was grown to be a man
(Grown to be a man)
The minute the boss would call my name
(Grown to be a man)
And say I had to be in the office by seven
(Grown to be a man)

I'm a constipated man
(Grown to be a man)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, my boss'd hit me, he'd hit me
He'd tie me to a chair and whip me

Oh he'd hit me with a rock
He'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
He'd hit me (hit me with a rock)
He'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)

When I was grown to be President
(Was the President)
The minute the congress'd call my name
(Was the President)
And said some papers had to be signed by Thursday
(Had to be signed by Thursday)

I'd fly away to Pakistan
(Was the President)
And the second that I'd get back home
Oh, I know they'd hit me, they'd hit me
With leather and chains they'd whip me

Oh, they'd hit me with a rock
They'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
They'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
Hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
Yah yah yah yah yah yah
(Hit me with a rock)
(Hit with a rock)
Ow, whaddaya doin' to me, get away from me
(Hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)

Wait a minute, hold it
I think he's dead
Let's leave
Let's get out of here, man

"Holiday Greetings 1987"


Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, and I'd just like to take this opportunity to say:
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
hoping that your new year isn't a torture-filled living hell,
and that you finally decide to do something worthwhile with your miserable,
wretched lives.
Thank you

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
and I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
And to all my Japanese friends, feliz navidad

Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas.
And now, here's a cheery little number I wrote about death, destruction,
and the end of the world, called "Christmas At Ground Zero"

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime.
I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day.
Mom would be cooking up a mess of boisenberry and tunafish burritos
for our big Christmas dinner,
and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam
And then, the big day would finally arrive.
I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa,
a-and when he finally showed up,
we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us
everything we wanted
Ah, yeah, those were the days.
Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch

"Holiday Greetings 1988"


Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Remember, if you have one or two of those traditional blueberry daiquiris
this holiday season, please, let somebody else drive

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
urging you to remember the true meaning of the Christmas season,
and also to buy as many copies of my new album as you possibly can!
Ah-HAHAHAHA! AH-HA! Heh

This is "Weird Al" Yankovic!
Go ahead, go ahead!
Have a Merry Christmas, see if I care

"I Can't Watch This"


I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. I can't watch this

My my my my TV makes me so bored
Makes me say, oh my lord
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears
It sucks, and that's no lie
It's about as much fun as watching paint dry
Lowers my IQ one notch
And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch

I told you homeboy... I can't watch this
Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know...
I can't watch this
Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this
Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this

Talkin' 'bout sick shows
Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos
I can't believe my eyes
When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize
Somebody's poor old mom
Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn
Face first on a rake
I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take
That's funny as a kick in the crotch
And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch

Yo, I told you... I can't watch this
Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this
Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this

Cosby Show and Rosanne
Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can
Judge Wopner, oh my
You gotta be Rainman to like this guy
Thirtysomething is alright
If you like hearing yuppies whining all night
Can't stand Twin Peaks
Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks
Thos Siskel & Ebert bums
Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs

That's word because you know... I can't watch this
I can't watch this
Break it down!

Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarantee-removes-tough-stains-fast
-it-tastes-more-like-fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't-hate-me
-because-I'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff-our-prices-are-insaaaane!!!

Stop! Prime Time!
I'm pretty sure I'll be sick
If I have to watch another stupid pet trick
Or that guy with the real flat hair
That goes "woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air
Or those weird talk shows
About Transsexual Nazi Eskimos
They're rude, crude and vile
Just for a minute let's flip down the dial

Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this
Look man... I can't watch this
I can't take this torture no more, I can't...
I can't watch this
Pay the bills, station break
Break it down!

Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium-necklace-you're-soaking-in-it
-and-our-fabulous-swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this-big
-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up!!

Stop! Cable Time!
HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV
I might like 'em more after my lobotomy
Now why did I ever pay for this junk?
I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk
Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A
It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away

I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. Yeah... I can't watch this
I told you... can't watch this
Too hip, can't watch this
Get me outta here... can't watch this

"I Love Rocky Road"


I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yah, but chocolate's gettin' old
Vanilla just leaves me cold

There's just one flavor good enough for me, yah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supple is gone
Then I'll be movin' on

But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, you'll see
Another truck load's comin' in for me, all for me
I'm singin'

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

(oh, make it talk)

When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and loose my teeth that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Sing it

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me


[ www.azlyrics.com ]

"I Remember Larry"


Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he took my pants off and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight 'till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube with glue
All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside
Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time!

Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag

Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry

"I Think I'm A Clone Now"


Isn't it strange
Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror
What would people say
If only they knew that I was

Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan)
Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say

I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

Look at the way
We go out walking close together
I guess you could say
I'm really beside myself

I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)
They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And I can stay at home while I'm out of town
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin' in stereo, it's all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say

I think I'm a clone now
Another one of me's always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
That's my genetic twin always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)

"I Want A New Duck"


Woh oh

I want a new duck
One that won't try to bite
One that won't chew a hole in my socks
One that won't quack all night

I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat

One that won't raid the ice box
One that'll stay in shape
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape

I want a new duck
A mallard I think
One that won't make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink

I want a new duck
One that won't steal my beer
One that won't stick his bill in my mail
One that knows the duck stops here

One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown
And show me how to get down
How to get down baby

Get it?
*****
*****
*** ****
****
*** ***

I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce

I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won't molt to much
One that won't smell too fowl

One that won't beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He'd better mind his manners
Better do just what I say
Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah
*

*****
***** (*** ** **)
****
*******
[lots of quacking sounds]

"I Was Only Kidding"


When I said that I'd be faithful
When I promised I'd be true
When I swore that I could never
Be with anyone but you
When I told you that I loved you
With those tender words I spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?

When I said that I need you, baby
When I told you that I really care
When I said that I can't live without you
When I said I'd follow you anywhere
When I said you could always trust me
When I said I'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby
I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! You're so gullible...

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was...
(I was) only kidding
Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen...

When I said that I love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When I said that I miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When I swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, I was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, I guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you... NOT!

When I said you oughta marry
When I said that we should settle down
Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, I -- I never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Whatch where you're pointing that thing
(I was only kidding)
Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Aww, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I didn't lie to you
I was only kidding... Yes indeed
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know
(I was only kidding) Hey!