"I'm So Sick Of You"


You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again

Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick

(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now

"If I Could Make Love To A Bottle"


If I could make love to a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
I'd search the world over to find one
that had the exact same circumference as you

"Isle Thing"


Met this fine young thing
At the local Circle K
We made a date for a half past eight
And I said, "What the hey?"

So I journeyed to her crib
And I let myself inside
That chick was slouched down on the couch
I think her brain was fried

Couldn't figure it out
She wouldn't even look at me
Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotised
Cold glued to her TV

"Hey, what's your problem baby doll
Let's have a little fling"
She said, "Hey you fool, now just be cool
I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing"

Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

Watchin' all night
Musta, been a marathon
I was bummin', those shows kept comin'
Here's what was goin' on

These Castaways were stranded
On this island out at sea
One of them called Gilligan
So let's name him after m

He'd mess up every rescue
Man, that first mate was illin'
If I was one of those Castaways
I think I'd probably kill 'im

Just about that time
Telephone began to ring
She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get
We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
She loves that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please

I like the professor
He always saves their butts
He could build a nuclear reactor
From a clouple' of coconuts

She said, "That guy's a genius"
I shook my head and laughed
I said, "If he's so fly, they tell me why
He couldn't build a lousy raft"

And while we're on the subject
I'll tell you one thing for sure
Those homeboys brought an awful lot
For just a three hour tour

Then her mom came in the room
It was kind of embarrasing
She said, "Hey you two, I was once like you
And I loved that Gilligan's Isle thing"

Isle thing
She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please

Skipper's in a hammock
He's looking kinda fat
He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit
Old Gilligan with his hat

Mrs. Hal had it goin' on
But Mr. Hal was meaner
Ginger and Mary Anne could've used
Some funky cold medina (?)

I was really diggin' this show
I didn't know what to do
It kinda looked like I was hooked
Now I'm an addict too

I know each episode by heart
Now I'm the rerun king
And on every date we both stay up late
And we watch the Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
Hasta la vista, little buddy
Gilligan's Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

"It's All About The Pentiums"


It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??

"It's Still Billy Joel To Me"


What's the matter with the songs he's singin'
Can't you tell that they're pretty lame
After listenin' to a couple albums
Well, they all start to sound the same

So he tried to change his musical style
He tossed all his ballads in the circular file
Then he found the punk sound
Breakin' ground all around
It's still Billy Joel to me

What's the matter with the tune he's writin'
Well, you know it's gonna be a smash
It's so nice when you're a big name artist
Doesn't matter if it sounds like trash

Now everybody thinks the new wave is super
Just ask Linda Ronstadt or even Alice Cooper
It's a big hit, isn't it
Even if it's a piece of junk
It's still Billy Joel to me

Woah, it doesn't matter what the critics say about him
'Cause he doesn't worry how they feel
When you're record's sellin' millions and it's goin' triple platinum
You don't worry 'bout your next meal
'Cause money is no big deal

Maybe he should dye his hair bright pink
And stick a safety pin through his cheeks
Then he'd really fit the new wave image
But he couldn't sit down for weeks

Don't you know about the record business, honey
You gotta be trendy if you wanna make some money
Now everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny
But it's still Billy Joel to me

All right, Alfred
Oh

I can hardly wait 'til his next album
Well, I'll bet it's gonna be the rage
Buy a ticket to his next big concert
Well, I wonder what he'll do on stage

It might be disco and it might be the blues
Or maybe even somethin' like the B-52's
Just a handclap, finger snap
Even if it's mindless pap
It's still Billy Joel to me

Everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny
But it's still Billy Joel to me

"Jerry Springer"


It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer

Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter fued
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer

[Guy Guest :] Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
[Gal Guest :] Oh? Well, which one?
[Guy Guest :] All of them
[Gal Guest :] Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake!
[Guy Guest :] Yah? Well, well me too!
[Gal Guest :] Oh!
[Guy Guest :] And I've sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
(barking)
[Gal Guest :] Woofie, you b-tch!
[Gal Guest :] Well, I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
[Guy Guest :] That goat doesn't love you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said she's shtill dating twenty guys
Three days wince he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger

"Jurassic Park"


I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
And before long, they were cloning DNA
Now I'm being chased by some irate veloceraptors
Well, believe me... this has been one lousy day

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit it's kinda eerie
But this proves my chaos theory
And I don't think I'll be coming back again
On no

I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawer
Well, I suppose that proves... they're really not all bad

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T. Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend
Oh no

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
What a crummy weekend this has been
Well, this sure ain't no E-ticket
Think I'll tell them where to stick it
'Cause I'm never coming back this way again
Oh no... oh no

"Kidstar 1250 Radio Promotion"


[telephone dialing]

Just eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Oh, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Hi
This is Al
But you can call me "Weird", as is "Weird Al"
"Weird Al" Yankovic

I'm not home right now
So feel free to come over and go through my refrigerator
Well, I guess you gotta find my house first

Anyway, like I was saying, I'm not home right now
So stay on the line until I return

OK, well, that might be a while, so I tell you what
I'll patch you through to my favorite radio station, how's that
It'll keep you totally entertained
It's Kidstar 1250, radio just for kids, and it goes something like this

[beep]

"Lasagna"


La-la-la-la-lasagna
You want-a some-a lasagna magnifico
Or a-maybe spaghetti
Ay, you supper's a-ready now, where you go
Mama mia bambino
Mama mia bambino, 'samatta you
'Samatta you, 'samatta you

You should-a taste my lasagna
Ay, you no like-a lasagna
That's okay too
How about-a calzone
Some-a nice minestrone, ats good for you
Have-a some marinara
Have-a some marinara, I know-a you like
I know-a you like, I know-a you like

La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna

Would you like some-a zucchini
Or-a my homemade linguini, it's hard to beat
Have-a more fettuccini.
Ay, you getting too skinny, you gotta to eat
Ay, mange, mange

[gargling]

Ay, you-a pass the lasagna
A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy pig
Have-a more ravioli
You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a big
Like you cousin Luigi
Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan
Capisce paisan, capisce paisan

La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna

Hey
Hey

[laughing]

"Laundry Day"


You gotta keep 'em separated

You like the latest fashions
You'd like to keep 'em clean
You take a trip every week to the laundromat
Throw a load in the washing machine

But if you don't wanna ruin your clothes
You gotta sort 'em out first as everyone knows
Remember bright colors and the others don't mix
Before you wash'em up, wash'em up, wash'em up, wash'em up
Hey

Are your undies turning pink
Take 'em out (You gotta keep'em separated)
Hey, are your cottons gonna shrink
Sort 'em out (You gotta keep'em separated)

Hey, then when it's time
You can stick' em in the dryer
You can hang 'em on a line
Hey, it's laundry day