"Never Met A Person As Wonderful As Me"


Well, I stare at myself in the mirror
When I wake up every morn
And I marvel at how great I've been
Since the day that I was born

I've made so many albums
I've run out of things to name 'em
My fans all want to be like me
And really, who can blame 'em

Teenage groupies all surround me
I guess I know why
No one else can match my charm
Why do they even try

All the girls in college
Turned me down for other fellas
But I know why, it seems to me
They're just insanely jealous
Who wouldn't be

Some people call it self-indulgence
But they just don't understand
That it's hard to be too humble
When you know that you're so grand

And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect
I just want you to see
That I've never met a person
Who's as wonderful as me

Now, I'm not arrogant or haughty
And I'm certainly not conceited
But anyone trying to match my wits
Is very soon defeated

I'm a marvellous human being
I'm just one big hunk of man
Sometimes I have to marvel
At how very great I am

Some people call it self-indulgence
But they just don't understand
That it's hard to be too humble
When you know that you're so grand

And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect
I just want you to see
That I've never met a person
Who's as marvellous, spectacular
Fantastic and terrific
And so very great and wonderful as me

"Nobody Here But Us Frogs"


Oh, I've really got those ozone layer blues
From my elbow down to my shoes
So let's throw another fire on the logs

Now we can go downtown and fill the latrine
With genuine Columbian lima beans
Dynastic and elastic, it's all made out of plastic
There's nobody here but us frogs

I'd like to find a girl who really cares
About the size of my nasal hairs
She could feed bananas to the dogs

We could climb the church and look down from the steeple
Where all the ants look like people
Nutritious and delicious, it's even surreptitious
There's nobody here but us frogs

They say I'm crazy
But I couldn't care less
Why don't they leave me alone
Can't they see that I'm happy to be a psychiatrical mess

I get a thrill
Bein' mentally ill, yes I do
They seem to think it's a crime
But it's a pleasure sublime, oh yes

That's why I'm happy here inside these padded walls
Makin' obscene telephone calls
And throwin' TV dinners to the hogs

I never trust a naked Eskimo
And don't you eat that purple snow
Revolting and disgusting
My belly button's rusting
There's nobody here but us frogs

They say I'm crazy
But I couldn't care less
Why don't they leave me alone
Can't they see that I'm happy to be a psychiatrical mess

I get a thrill
Bein' mentally ill, yes I do
They seem to think it's a crime
But it's a pleasure sublime, oh yes

That's why I'm happy here inside these padded walls
Makin' obscene telephone calls
And throwin' TV dinners to the hogs
I like to eat my ice cubes boiling hot
And Wilshire Boulevard's a Commie plot

Amazingly congruent, and commonly affluent
Innately effervescent, surprisingly incessant
Superblier commended, eccentric and demented
There's nobody here but us
Nobody here but us
Nobody here but us frogs, I mean it
Nobody here but us frogs

"Ode To A Superhero"


Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire

But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town

La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dum

Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil doers to fight

Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss upside down in the rain

"With great power comes great responsibility"
That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben
If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say the line
Again and again and again

Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom

Now Norman's a billionare scientist
Who never had time for his son
But then something went screw and before you knew he
Was trying to kill everyone

And he's ridin' around on that glider thing
And he's throwin' that weird pumpkin bomb
Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask
But he's scarier without it on

Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now
But where'd you come up with those tights?

It's a pretty sad day at the funeral
Norman Osborn has bitten the dust
And I heard Harry's said he wants Spider-Man dead
Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust

Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now
Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down
Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the sequal comes 'round

Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dum

Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
And we think that you'll do all right

One More Minute


(constant "doo wop"s in the background throughout the song)

Aahh....

Well I heard that you're leavin' (leavin')
Gonna leave me far behind (so far behind)
'Cause you found a brand new lover
You decided that I'm not your kind (aahh..)

So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex (oohh..)
And I tore all your pictures in two
And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go
Just because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo)

That's right (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'
I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Than spend one more minute with you

I guess I might seem kinda bitter
You got me feeling down in the dumps
'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love
And I have to use the self-service pumps

Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase
You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two
'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch you going out with other men
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again

Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, Darlin...

I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you

Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die
Than spend one more minute with you

"Pacman"


(one, two, thray, four)
(one, two [nasal hocking sound])

I used to be a pinball freak
That's where you'd find me every week
But now it's Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman

I love to gobble up those dots
Keep pumpin' quarters in the slots
They call it Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman

At the game arcade, they say I'm hard core
I can play all day 'til my hands are sore
And I quit my job just to play some more
But I won't give up 'til I break high score

Pacman [music from Pacman "intermission"]

Well it's the Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman

Well it takes a lot of cash to play
(Pacman, get the cherry)
So I'm gonna sell my house today
(Pacman, eat 'em up)

I'm playin' Pacman
Yeah it's the Pac-ma-an

Hey mom, I won't be home this year
(Pacman)
Please forward all my mail right here
(Pacman)
I'm at the Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman

And you're playing with no one but me
Pacman

[music from Pacman "intermission"]
[sound from when Pacman dies]

"Party At The Leper Colony"


Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand

Saturday night, it's the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey

Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed

I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out - literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey, hey

Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head for dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu

Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony

There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)

Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Yeah, party at the leper colony
Well, there's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Hey

"Phony Calls"


Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening
And you're stuck inside the house all alone
That's when you decide it might be fun to harrass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from
They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet
Listen to me

Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to
I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast

Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin' for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan
He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning
Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughin' when they're tracin his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me

Don't go makin' phoney calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?
Come on

[Moe :] Moe's Taverne - Where the elite meet to drink.
[Bart:] Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name Rotch.
[Moe :] Hold on; I'll check.
[Moe :] My crotch! My crotch! Hey, has anybody seen my crotch lately?
[others laughing]
[Moe :] Listen to me, you little puke.
[Moe :] One of these days, I'm gonna catch you
[Moe :] And I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an icepick!
[Bart laughing]

Don't go makin' phoney calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
You went through the New Yourk City phone book and prank-called 'em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
Grow out of this fast...

Don't go makin' phoney calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
But you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast

"Polka Patterns"


Everywhere, I see them there
I stop and stare at patterns
I don't care, I must declare
I've got a flair for patterns

On my hair, the clothes I wear
My savoir faire is patterns
All I see is patterns
The patterns that repeat

Let's go into the bathroom
I know we're in a room where you would not expect much math
Usually you're in here for a shower or a bath
But if you gaze upon the floor, and if you're kinda smart
You'll see the repetition is like geometric art

Wow, haha
Look

Everywhere, I see them there
I stop and stare at patterns
I don't care, I must declare
I've got a flair for patterns

On my hair, the clothes I wear
My savoir faire is patterns
All I see is patterns
The patterns that repeat

Hey!

A polkameister like myself never has to be bored
I just grab my ax and play some patterns on my keyboard
Now's the time for earplugs if you care about your health
So stand back, everybody, I'm gonna express myself

Look at this, patterns
I've got blisters on my fingers
Woo, hey, aw, get down
Yeah, help me, somebody, woo

Still there? Okay

Next time you find yourself at an exciting polka party
You can make some patterns with your feet and with your body
If you don't know the steps yet, here's the gang with all the answers
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, the "Weird Al" Polka Dancers

Here they are

Everywhere, we see them there
We stop and stare at patterns
We don't care, we must declare
We've got a flair for patterns

On our hair, the clothes we wear
Our savoir faire is patterns
All we see is patterns
The patterns that repeat

Wallpaper, skyscrapers, funny papers, patterns
Evergreens, nouvelle cuisine, human beings, patterns
Garden rakes, wedding cakes, rattlesnakes, patterns
Golden wheat, little feet, my heartbeat

I gotta stop

Patterns, patterns, patterns, patterns

"Polka Power!"


Yeah, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give (you've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

Hey!

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin (yes it's a sin) to live so well

Ghetto superstar - that is what you are
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh

Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right

So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
But now if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow but if the offer's shun
You might as well be walking on the sun
Might as well be walking on the sun

Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

I want something else
To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say good-bye
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Do do do do do do

There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show

Mmmbop, do floppa do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wap, do zap ah, do
Yeah-ee yeah
Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wop, doom zap ah, do

I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction
Mama, this surely is a dream
Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream
Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is

Closing time
One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
Take us home

'Cause it's closing time
Yeah it's closing time
We're talkin' 'bout closin' time
It's really closin' time

Hey

"Polka Your Eyes Out"


Rock the cradle of love. Rock the cradle of love
Yes, the cradle of love
Don't rock easy, it's true
Rock the cradle of love
I rocked the cradle of love
Yes, the cradle of love
Don't rock easy, it's true

Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo
(Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo)

The Love Shack is a little old place where
We can get together
Love Shack, baby
(Love Shack, baby, Love Shack)
Hey!

Pump up the jam (hey!). Pump up the jam (hey!)
Pump up the jam, pump it up!

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can to it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

The things you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things you say
You're unbelieveable
(Oh!)

Do me, baby. Do me, baby
You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night
You can do me when you wanna do me
Yodalodaladyhoo!

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the Hump
Do me, baby
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
Do me, baby
Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump

She's my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face ten miles wide
Look so good, make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie-yi-yi
Woo!

Drum solo!

I miss you so much (M-O-I miss you so much)
I really miss you much (M-I-S-S you so much)
I miss you so much (M-O-I miss you so much)
I really miss you much

Hey, I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Oh, I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no no no

He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood
He's the one that makes you fell all right
He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood
He's gonna be your Frankenstein

Let's kick it!
If you got a problem, (yo!) I'll solve it
Check out the beat while the DJ revolves it
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby... Word to your mother!
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby forever
I'll be your ife... ice... baby!
Hey!