"Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White"


Doctor, every night I have the strangest dreams
Doctor, listen to me, tell me what this means
First I'm goin' shoppin' in my underwear
Then all of sudden I'm floating in mid air
My lips fall off and everybody starts to stare
Donuts and hot dogs are flying everywhere

Now Doctor, wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Next comes the part that I won't ever forget
Now I'm bein' followed by these Russian spies
They give me some velcro, and an order of fries
Suddenly I'm bowling on the Starship Enterprise
I fall down a hole and that's when I realize

I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night

All right!

Doctor, won't you tell me, am I going insane
Was it something I ate or something wrong with my brain
See, I'm naked in church when I meet a dinosaur
Try to run, but my feet have been nailed to the floor
Then a midget pushes me through a revolving door
And I'm back in the very same place I was before

Now I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night

And I can't bust out and I can't break free
And it's gettin' just a little too stuffy here for me
And I can't go home and I can't get loose
And I try to escape but it's just no use

And I can't ever leave and I can't ever win
And we're runnin' outta air and the walls are closin' in
And I can't go back and I can't get through
But Vanna since you're here, why don't you let me buy a vowel from you

Come on Vanna, come on!

Ow, buhhh

Doctor, all those crazy dreams have started again
That's right, I even wake up screaming now and then
See, I'm coming home from work but I forgot my address
I'm half an hour late for my algebra test
Then some slimy alien jumps out of my chest
And I'm falling and falling and I guess you know the rest

I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night

I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Stuck in a closet with Vanna White
N-n-n-night after night after night night night

Then I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White (ya-ya ya-ya, ya-ya, ya, ya-ya)
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night

I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White (ya-ya ya-ya ya-ya ya-ya)
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White

"Syndicated Inc."


My whole family
Loves "Three's Company"
See the reruns constantly
There on my TV

Syndicated Incorporated

Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what too see
Got my TV Guide with me

"MASH" and "All In The Family"
"The Munsters" and "Mayberry R.F.D."
I will always be busy
Watching my TV

Oprah Winfrey talks to me
Every day at three
Then soon it'll be
"Wheel" and "Jeopardy"

Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Well, I'm in such ecstacy
When I'm watchin' TV
I'm a boob tube devotee

Think I'm losin' my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV

Love "The Partridge Family"
And "Dynasty"
And "Laverne & Shirley"
And "Hard Copy"

Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Syndicated Incorporated
("MASH" and "All In The Family") (I know just what too see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Forever I will always be) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Watching my TV) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Think I'm losin' my sanity) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated

"Taco Grande"


Taco... grande. Taco... grande

Yo quiero chimichangas y chile colorado
Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado
Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno
Y el chile relleno

You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada
That's right, I want the whole enchilada
My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla
I need a quesadilla

I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbón
With my friends, or when I'm all alone
Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero
Un burrito ranchero

So give me something spicy and hot, now
Break out the menu, what you got, now?
Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side
You better make sure the beans are refried

Taco... grande. Taco... grande

Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me
That's why I order two or three
Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip
It's really good with bean dip

I eat uno, dos, tres, quarto burritos
Pretty soon I can't fit in my Speedos
Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas
And a pitcher of margaritas

Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice
The taquitos here are very nice
Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese
And could you make that separate checks, please?

Taco... grande. Taco... grande

"Buenos noches, senor.
bienvenido a el burritos casa de salsa.
tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos si puedo
recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso.
sus ojos se quemaran, su estomago estara en fuego,
se quedaran en el baño por una semana,
entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?"
Well, the food is coming, I can hardly wait
Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate!
What you think you're doing with my chile con queso?
Well, if you want some, just say so

Oh boy, pico de gallo
They sure don't make it like this in Ohio
No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más
You can toss away the hot sauce

?Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole!
You better get me a bowl of guacamole
Y Uusted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green?
Don't you like pinto beans?

You want some more cinnamon crispas?
If you don't, hasta la vista
Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna
You can finish it mañana

Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more
Señor, la cuenta, por favor
If you ain't tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta
Just don't drink the water

"Take Me Down"


Someday I'm gonna pack up
And then I'm goin' back up
To that place where sentimental feelings arouse

Where the grass is so green
And the air is so clean
That when the wind is right you can even smell the cows

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

If you're new in town
Then you'll wanna look around
But you don't know where to begin
Well, there's Bubble Gum Alley
And the local car rally
Not to mention the toilets at Madonna Inn

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

It's not much of a hassle
To drive up to Hearst's Castle
And it's not too far from Pismo Beach or Morro Rock

You can visit downtown at your leisure
Because for your shopping pleasure
The stores never close down until five o'clock

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

"Take Me To The Liver"


I'd like to do some more songs about buildings and food
This is a song about liver, very high in protein, very good for ya
Hope you like it

I don't know why
You feed me so bad
Think of all the health food
I could've had

You took-a my yogurt
And my whole wheat bread
You give me Ding Dongs
And Twinkies instead

I wanna know
Can you tell me
When is it going to end

Take me to the liver
Push it on my platter
Give me a piece of liver
Oh, drop it on my platter

Scarfin' it down
Scarfin' it down

"Talk Soup"


I dated Siamese twins
I slept with Bigfoot, too
Get me on Sally Jesse
Put me on Donahue
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now

My dog's a narcoleptic
My mom's a circus freak
I gotta get a spot on
Geraldo's show this week
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now

I'm just an anorexic codependant bingo addict
Stripper born without a chin
And I'm only comfortable talking about it
When the whole wide world is listening in

Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me

My wife ran off with Elvis
My boss shaved off my hair
I've got a thing for poodles
And rubber underwear
And I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now

I had a close encounter
I never chew my food
I got eleven nose jobs
I yodel in the nude
And I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now

I'm just a cross-dressin' alcoholic neo-Nazi
Porno star, as you may have guessed
And I'm really gonna feel a whole lot better
If you let me get this thing off my chest

Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me

I'm just your average schizophrenic nymphomaniac
Albino go-go dancer, you see
Nothin' so bad that I can't share it
With a billion friends on national TV, whoa...

I have no genitalia
I sold my kids for cheese
I love my blow up doll, so
Bring out those cameras, please
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now

Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me

Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me

Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me

Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me

"The Ballad Of Kent Marlow"


You did a really rotten thing
And let Scout take all the blame
You wrecked his reputation
And left that poor boy in shame
Yeah, but now I think it's time
To show who really did the crime
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, lyin', worthless hunk of slime

Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, cheatin'
Lyin', no good, lousy, stinkin'
Back stabbin', scum suckin', worthless hunk of slime

The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota


Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming
After working all year down at Big Roy's Heating And Plumbing
So one night when my family the I were gathered 'round the dinner table
I said, "Kids, if you could go anywhere in this great big world, now
Where'd you like to go ta"
They said, "Dad, we wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota"
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

So the very next day we loaded up the car
With potato skins and pickled weiners,
Crossword puzzles, Spider-Man comics, and mama's home made rhubarb pie
Pulled out of the driveway and the neighbors, they all waved good-bye
And so began our three day journey

We picked up a guy holding a sign that said "twine ball or bust"
He smelled real bad and he said his name was Bernie
I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net
Kids were in the back seat jumping up and down,
   yelling "Are we there yet?"
And all of us were joined together in one common thought
As we rolled down the long and winding interstate in our '53 DeSoto
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Oh, we couldn't wait to get there
So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights
Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then
The scenery was just so pretty, boy I wish the kids could've seen it
But you can't see out of the side of the car
Because the windows are completely covered
With the decals of all the place where we've already been

There's Elvis-O-Rama, the Tupperware Museum,
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World,
The Shuffleboard Hall Of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock,
And The Mecca of Albino Squirrels
We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums,
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree
We've seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches,
But there's still one thing we gotta see

Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39
And we saw a sign that said "Twine Ball exit - 50 miles"
Oh, the kids were so happy the started singing
   "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for the 27th time that day
So, we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station
Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're gonna see the biggest ball of tiwne in Minnesota

Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening as the sun was setting
   in the Minnesota sky
Out in the distance, on the horizon, it appeared to me like a vision
   before my unbelieving eye
I parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence towards that
   glorius huge majestic sphere
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer imensity,
   I had to pop myself a beer
Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open ten to eight on weekdays,
   in a little shrine under a make-shift pagoda,
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Oh, what on earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing?
Oh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of string
What was he trying to prove, who was he trying to impress
Why did he build it, how did he do, it was anybody's guess
Where did he get the twine, what was goin' through his mind
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time

Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids
"Now, you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason"
I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car
   and we can take it home", but I was only teasin'
Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line
Bought a souvineer miniature ball of twine, some window decals,
   and anything else they'd sell us
And we bought a couple post cards, "Greetings from the twine ball,
   wish you were here"
Won't the folks back home be jealous

I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball and we all gathered
   'round and said, "Cheese"
The Bernie ran away with my brand new Insti-Matic,
   but at least we got our memories
Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist,
   but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about"
Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside and I fell on my knees
   and I cried and cried
And that's when those security guards threw us out
You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker,
It'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota
'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn
In the morning we were on our way home again
But we really didn't want to leave, that was perfectly clear
I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go"
Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kind of feelin'
   we'll be comin' back again next year"
'Cause I've been all around this great big world
And I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota

"The Hot Rocks Polka"


If I could stick my hand in my heart
Spill it all over the stage
Would it satisfy you
Would it slide on by you
Would you think the boy is strange
Ain't it stra-a-ange

If I could win
If I could sing
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried
If I cri-i-ied
I said, "Ah no, It's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it
Ah no, it's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it, like it
Yes I do
I really really really really do do-do do do"
Hey

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doin' all right
Hear they whip the women just around midnight

Brown sugar
How come you taste so good
Brown sugar
Just like a young girl should

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would make her connection
By her feet was a footloose man

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You might find
You get what you need

You need honkey tonk women
Gimme gimme gimme the honkey tonk blues

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It's down to me
Yes it is
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me
The change has come
She's under my thumb

So, goodbye ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still, I'm gonna miss you

Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who

Please allow me to introdue myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste (woo woo)
I've been around for a long long year
So many a man sold a faith (woo woo)
Pleased to meet you (woo woo)
Hope you guessed (woo woo) my name (woo woo woo woo)
'Cause what's bothering you (woo woo)
Is the nature (woo woo) of my game (woo woo woo woo)

I said, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Don't hang around because two's a crowd

Shay-do-bay(?), shatter, shay-do-bay(?), shatter

Laughter, joy, and lonliness
And sex and sex and sex and sex
Look at me
I'm in tatters
Shay-do-bay(?), I'm shattered
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter

This doesn't happen to me every day, oh my
Let's spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway, oh my
Let's spend the night together
I'll satisfy your every need (every need)
And I know you'll satisfy me
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together now
Ma-ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma ma ma my

I can't get no
Satisfaction
I can't get no
Girlie action
'Cause I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
And I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
I can't get no
I can't get no
I can't get no
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction

"The Night Santa Went Crazy"


Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain