Love Songs For The Retarded (1993)



1.   You're Tripping
2.   Ursula Finally Has Tits
3.   I Hate Everything
4.   Teenage Bonehead
5.   Fuck this World
6.   I Can't Stop Farting
7.   Feeling Groovy
8.   Debra Jean
9.   Hi Mom, It's Me!
10.   Noodle Brain
11.   I Can't Stand You
12.   Night of the Livid Queers
13.   Granola-Head
14.   I Won't Be
15.   Monster Zero
16.   Daydreaming

"You're Tripping"
 
You suck
Motherfucker
I hate "White Power"
I hate you band
Can't you see
This ain't Nazi Germany
Bring on the beers
'Cause we are the Queers
You're Tripping
You're Tripping
Oh yeah [x4]
You suck
Motherfucker
Your face is ugly
Your brain's in space
Can't you see
This ain't 1943
Bring on the beers
'Cause we are the Queers

[Chorus]

"Ursula Finally Has Tits"
 
When I first saw her, gee I liked that girl
Even before her first pubic hair would curl
Then old Hubey said hey dude check this out
Man that 13-year-old punk rocker's chest started to sprout
And we all love her - Ursula
We all love her
Our attention's undivided...Dammit we're excited!
'Cause Ursula finally has tits- Alright
Ursula finally has tits - Outta sight
Ursula finally has tits - Now she's cool
Ursula finally has tits - Check it out dude
Ursula finally has tits
She went to the drugstore and I saw what she bought
Maxi-pads, tampons, and a training bra
Eyeshadow, lipstick, smoking cigarettes
I think there's something that she needs to get off her chest
And we all love her - Ursula
We all love her - Ursula
Our attention's undivided...Dammit we're excited!
'Cause Ursula finally has tits - etc...

"I Hate Everything"
 
I hate anchovie pizza
Asparagus and peas
Wanting my desert
And having to say please
I hate
Well I hate everything [x2]
I hate the Grateful Dead
Their hippy fans are such a waste
Everything about them
Even Jerry's ugly face
[Chorus]
I hate working around the house
I hate mowing the lawn
I hate doing my homework
I even hate this song
[Chorus x2]

"Teenage Bonehead"
 
My folks had me commited just two weeks ago
My best friend ran off with my girl - those two damn bozos
Oh and don't you know it hurts
But hey she ain't the first
She ain't the first
I was a teenage bonehead - Yes it's true
I was a teenage bonehead - A-wah-ooh-ooh
I was a teenage bonehead just because of you
My parents kicked me out, I'm sick of them so I don't care
My girl sent me a post card saying "Glad that you're not here"
Oh and don't you know it hurts
But hey she ain't the first
She ain't the first
[Chorus]
She never said goodbye to me, now I sit here wondering
Where she is and what she's eating...
Oh and don't you know it hurts
But hey she ain't the first
She ain't the first
[Chorus]

"Fuck this World"
 
I called in sick to work today and stayed in bed 'til noon
And now I just don't care what's going on outside this room
Things aren't getting better
My future's not too bright
Fuck the world I'm hanging out with you tonight

Me and you will walk around so pointlessly
Smashing things, jacked up on way too much caffeine
I'm really going no nowhere
I hate this shitty life
Fuck the world I'm hanging out with you tonight

"I Can't Stop Farting"
 
Last night I had burritos and drank a lot of beer
And now a funny smell is emanating from my rear
My girlfriend tries to hold her nose and falls into a swoon
I got a problem and I don't know what to do...
HELP!
I can't stop farting [x4]
My flatulent ass sounds like 27 ducks
I sit and try to take a shit but I'm shit outta luck
Mt sphincter rears it's ugly head as I clear out the room
I gotta problem and I don't know what to do...
HELP!
I can't stop farting...

"Feeling Groovy"
 
I'm feeling so sick, someone get me a beer
My life is a shambles, you know I'm a Queer
My head it really pounds and pounds
Records just go round and round
Mom and Dad - they just hate my guts
The only girls I know are sluts
Say I'm deeply troubled
Oh I shake my head it just ain't so
Daddy beat me with a hose
Got kicked out of the Webelos
Feeling so groovy
I'm feeling so groovy
I'm feeling so groovy it sucks
Phone's disconnected, hey I'll never learn
Just eleven more months 'til my income tax returns
I'm really not that dumb you know
Got lots of beer and Tuinols
Ran over Rin Tin Tin today
His Alpo's mine now, hey it's great
Say I'm deeply troubled
Oh I shake my head it just ain't so
Daddy beat me with a hose
Kicked out of the Webelos
[Chorus]
Well I was walking down the street
With my head held high
Thinking everything was alright
When a big fat bird came and shit on my head
Man that's the story of my life
Feeling so sick, someone get me a beer
My life is a shambles, you know I'm Joe Queer
I'm not really that dumb you know
Got lots of beer and Tuinols
Ran over Rin Tin TIn today
His Alpo's mine now, hey it's great
Say I'm deeply troubled
Oh I shake my head it just ain't so
I've gone completely out of hand
I want Dan Vapid in my band
[Chorus]

"Debra Jean"
 
One thing I know is true - I need a little girl like you
So I can stop hanging around
So I can stop making that downtown trip, you know
It's starting to get old
If you know what I mean
You can scream and shout and it'll be fine
Keep me in bed all day and blow my mind
You can hold me tight and rattle my brain
You can kiss me and drive me insane
Give me funny little shivers up and down my spine
When we kiss each other every time
What I'm thinking and doing never seem to work out
They're always two different things you know
Open your eyes and see that you're the only girl for me
Debra Jean baby you're my queen
And queens don't seem to speak
To guys like me
I was meant for you and you were meant for me [x2]
One thing is true - I need a little girl like you
Someone to stay with me and stick by my side
And someone I can call my little butterfly
Give me funny little shivers up and down my spine
When we kiss each and every time
What I'm thinking and doing never seem to work out
They're always two different things you know
Open yours eyes and see that you're the only girl for me
[Chorus Ad Nauseum]

"Hi Mom, It's Me!"
 
I know you think I'm just a useless stupid punk
Because every night I come home drunk
Hi Mom, it's me, the fuckin' little shit
The ugly little monkey who used to suck your tit

I know you think my band's just a waste of time
Those beer cans you found in my room weren't mine
Hi Mom, it's me, the fuckin' little shit
The ugly little monkey who used to suck your tit