"Karate"

With karate I'll kick your ass
Here to Tiennamen Square.
Oh yeah, muthafucka,
I'm 'onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka.

Kyle betrayed me
And then he lied tried to hide
And I died deep inside
And you know the reason why.

I'm 'onna kick your ass
From here to right over there.
Oh yeah muthafucka,
I'm 'onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka.

"Rock Your Socks Off"

[Dave Grohl (spoken):] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6-6-6!

[sung]
It doesn't matter if it is good,
It only matters if it rocks.
The main thing that we do is to rock your socks off.
There's no such thing as a rock prodigy,
'Cause rock 'n roll is bogus, right KG? (right!)
Only thing that really matters is a classical sauce.
And that's why me and KG are classically trained
To rock your fuckin' socks off!
Give 'em a taste KG.
[KG (spoken):] Okay.

That is Bach and it rocks
It's a rock block of Bach
That he learned in the school
Called the school of hard knocks!

Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for rock,
Give it up for blues,
Give it up for everything that is not to lose.
Now rock your socks off woman,
We'll rock your shit up y'all.
Give it up children now to freak your shit out!
All right!

[spoken]
Now I know what a lot of you are sayin':
"I just figured out what I'm 'onna do with the rest of my days.
I'm 'onna get me an oversized guitar, gain forty pounds and be the next D.
" Well I got sour news for you, jack. It ain't that easy.
For instance, are you willing to make the commitment to wakin' up
at the crack a' noon, for deep-knee rock squats!?
Seven or eight at a time!? In a row?
How 'bout are you willing to make the commitment
to rock-hard tasty abs washer-board style?
Glistening in the sun. How 'bout are you willin' to make the commitment,
wakin' up, goin' okay, it's gig time, what t-shirt am I gonna wear?
Can't decide: Can't decide: Brain aneurysm!
We've been through so much bullshit just to be here tonight
to rock your fuckin' socks off. And all we ask in return is so precious little.
All we're askin' you to do is drop trou and squeeze out
a Cleveland Steamer on my chest.

[sung]
2-3-4,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for rock, give it up for blues,
Give it up for everything that is not to lose.
Now rock your socks off woman,
We'll rock your shit up y'all.
Give it up children won't you freak your shit out!
All right!
[ad-lib hollers & screams]

"Double Team"

[spoken]
Damn, a hard day's rockin'. Better slip off ma shoes.
Maybe give a little stretch, and a bend.
Dip m'toe to jacuzzi, baby. Slip out this book:
The Buttress of Windsor. Ho ho ho, who's this? How's it goin'?
[sung]
That's the first thin' I say to you.
How's it goin'? Are you flowin'?
Listen honey,
Thinkin' 'bout a couple things to say to you,
Showin', growin',
Man I'd like to place my hand
upon your fuckin' sexy ass and squeeze.
And squeeze!

Take off your blouse,
And your underpants,
Then take a look,
'Cause here me and KG come naked,
Out of the side-hatch,
With the oils and perfume and incense.
Now you're groovin',
Put on a cool '70s groove.
A funky groove to fuck to.
A funky groove to fuck to.

Me, me and KG,
It's all about sex supreme,
We likes to cream jeans. (sex)
Have you ever been worked on
By two guys who are hot for your snatch? (sex)
That's what I'm offerin' you.
You step into our room,
And then you smell the perfume,
You lay upon our roundish bed,
And then you feel a tickling on your head.
It's KG with the feather and the French tickler,
Look out baby he got the tools.
And then you feel sumpin' down by your feet.
It's me, it's JB, I'm suckin' upon your toes.

We don't mind sucking on toes!
Good luck finding a boyfriend who sucks toe, ow!
Havin' sex with me and KG,
Now you're talkin' double team supreme.

Let's roll!
Oh!
[2-part:] Ahh, oh!

What! Yeah! Huh! Nah! Oh!
Ah, that's it, that's right, ohmygah, oh-I-think-I'm-gonna, Ohh!
Deht! Deht! Eeee!
...Splooge!

[spoken]
That was the one.

[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!
[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!

"City Hall"


All you people up there in City Hall,
You're fuckin' it up for the people that's in the streets.
This is a song for the people in the streets,
Not the people City Hall.
All you motherfuckers in the streets it's time to rise up,
Come along children and fuckin' rise!

Lots of times when me and KG are watchin'
All the fuckin' shit that goes down at City Hall,
We get the feeling we should fuck shit up,
Yeah we should fuckin' start a riot.
A Riot!

We have 'em screaming in the streets,
we have 'em tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin' windows of small businesses,
and settin' fuckin' fires!
and settin' fuckin' fires!
and settin' fuckin' fires!

[spoken]
And then after the smoke is cleared,
and the rubble has been swept away,
me and KG will peek out our heads.
We've been watching the riots on a monitor twenty floors below sea level,
from a bunker.

We did it Rage-Kage, we beat the bastards of City Hall!
[laughs] But now what will we do?
We must rebuild. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process?
Man, it's got to be someone with the know-how
and the elbow grease to lead us to a new land.
No, not me and KG, we don't have the cognitive capacity to lead...
Alright, we'll do it!

[sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa (Two Kings, we'll lead as Two Kings)
Ah-ha ah-how,
We'll lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
The first decree is to legalize marijuana.
The tyranny and the bullshit's gone on too long.
You old fuckin' shrivs who blocked it's legalization,
you're banished from the land!

[sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa (Two Kings, we'll lead as Two Kings)
Ah-ha ah-how,
Lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
The second decree: no more pollution, no more car exhaust,
or ocean dumpage. From now on, we will travel in tubes!

[sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings, oh, yeah,
We'll fuckin' lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
Get the scientists working on the tube technology, immediately.
(Tube technology.) Chop, chop, let's go.

[spoken]
Third decree: no more... rich people: and poor people.
From now on, we will all be the same... ummm, I dunno,
I gotta think about that...

[sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings
Ah yeah, ah yeahhhahahaha.
Ha-ha-ho-hee, ha-ha-ho-hee-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-ho.

[spoken]
[JB:] Oh my God.
[KG:] Ahh... What?
[JB:] Dude, the red phone is flashing.
[KG:] Oh, yeah.
[JB:] Let me scoop that up. Hello? Two Kings.
[KG:] Who is it?
[JB:] What?! No! No fucking way!
[KG:] What?
[JB:] Rage, there's a potato famine in Idaho, you gotta go down there!
[KG:] Oh my God... what?
[JB:] Dude, I gotta stay here!
[KG:] Why do I have to go?
[JB:] Please! Please!
[KG:] Oh, God, okay.
[JB:] Awesome... is he gone? Alright, emergency meeting of Parliament.
All right Parliament, I know this is fucked up,
but Rage, he can't be King anymore.
Dudes, he's encroaching on my decrees!
Seriously, let's make him "Duke," a kick ass "Duke."
Or "leader formerly known as King," but-- uh-oh he's comin' back...

[sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings, oh yes
we'll really lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
[KG:] Uh, dude?
[JB:] Rage.
[KG:] I went all over Idaho...
[JB:] Yeah?
[KG:] Uh, plenty of potatoes everywhere.
[JB:] What? There was no famine?
[KG:] Yeah, there was no famine, no.
[JB:] Dude.
[KG:] I don't know what's uh...
[JB:] A toast...
[KG:] A toast...
[JB:] Long live the "D."
[KG:] Long live the "D."
[clinking of glasses]
[JB:] Long live me. I'm sorry, I poisoned your wine.
[KG:] What?
[JB:] For the good of the land.
[KG:] You p-- I poisoned yours... huh heh, as well.
[JB/KG:] Noooooooooo!!!!!
No!

[sung]
City, city, city, city, city, city, shitty.
Shitty, city, shitty, shitty, city, city, shitty.
Hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall.

People inside me are askin' me to smoke up City Hall,
'Cause no one here is talkin'.
People inside me are askin' me to blow up City Hall,
'Cause no one here is rockin'.

People inside me are askin' me to blow up City Hall,
'Cause everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em GO! OH!

[spoken]
[JB:] Don't, cut that part out.

[KG:] We've got it.

[JB:] Um, do you believe in God?
[KG:] I believe, I believe.
[JB:] You do?
[KG:] I believe in God. I believe in God.
[JB: (laughs)] Y'do--
[KG:] I believe in God.
[JB:] Do you?
[KG:] I believe in God.

Malibu Nights
[KG (spoken):]
Yeah, but you didn't fuckin' come out with this (one)--! [cuts off on "one"]
[KG starts playing]
[JB (spoken):] I got some lyrics.
[sung]
Malibu nights, tangerine dreams,
Malibu neighs, Malibu dreams,
Malibu, makin' a poo.
Stinky poo, lookin'd view.
Because it's time for my breakfast,
It's time for some cheese.
It's time for the stink,
time for the breeze,
time for the... hah-or-eeee!

"Kickapoo"

..::Jack Black (Narrator)::..
A long ass f**kin' time ago,
In a town called Kickapoo,
There lived a humble family
Religious through and through.
But yeah there was a black sheep,
And he knew just what to do.
His name was young J.B.
And he refused to step in-line.
A vision he did see of
F**kin' rockin' all the time.
He wrote a tasty jam
And all the planets did align.

..::Jack Black (Son)::..
Oh the dragons balls were blazin'
As I stepped into his cave.
Then I sliced his f**kin' cockles,
With a long and shiney blade!
'Twas I who f**ked the dragon,
F**ka lie sing f**k a loo!
And if you try to f**k with me,
Then I shall f**k you too!
Gotta get it on in the party zone!
I gots to shoot a load in the party zone!
Gotta lick a toad in the party zone!
Gotta suck a chode in the party zone!

AHHHHHHH

..::Meat Loaf (Father)::..
You've disobeyed my orders son,
Why were you ever born?
Your brother's ten times better than you,
Jesus loves him more.
This music that you play for us
Comes from the depths of hell.
Rock and roll's the devil's work,
He wants you to rebel.
You'll become a mindless puppet;
Beelzebub will pull the strings!
Your heart will lose direction,
And chaos he will bring.
You'd better shut your mouth,
You better watch your tone!
You're grounded for a week with no telephone!
Don't wanna hear you cry,
Don't wanna hear you moan!
You gotta praise The Lord when you're in my home!

..::Jack Black (Son)::..
Dio can you hear me?
I am lost and so alone...
I'm askin' for your guidance,
Would you come down from your throne?
I need a tight compadre
Who will teach me how to rock.
My Father thinks you're evil,
But man, he can suck a cock.
Rock is not the devil's work,
It's magical and rad.
I'll never rock as long as I am
Stuck here with my Dad...

..::Ronnie James Dio (Dio poster)::..
I hear you brave young Jables,
You are hungry for the rock.
But to learn the ancient method,
Sacred doors you must unlock.
Escape your father's clutches,
And this oppressive neighborhood.
On a journey you must go,
To find the land of Hollywood!
In The City of Fallen Angels,
Where the ocean meets the sand,
You will form a strong alliance,
And the world's most awesome band!
To find your fame and fortune,
Through the valley you must walk.
You will face your inner demons.
Now go my son and rock!

..::Jack Black (Narrator)::..
So he bailed from f**king Kickapoo
With hunger in his heart.
And he journeyed far and wide
To find the secrets of his art.
But in the end he knew
That he would find his counterpart.
Rooooock!
Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock.
Raye-yayayayaye-ya.

"Classico"

Can't you see he's the man, let me hear you applaud
he is more than a man he's a shiny golden god.

If you think it's time to fucking rock, and fucking roll, out of control,
well then you know you got to rock the block,
and fucking suck my fucking cock,
'cause when you rule, you fucking school all of the fools, out of their jewels,
'cause if you think it's time,
if you think it's time,
if you think it's time to fucking rock.

He is going to kick your fucking ass,
and you know his name is Kyle Gass,
rocking and fucking rolling,
and fucking rocking,
and fucking rolling,
and fucking [vocal solo]...

"Baby"

I can't get to sleep tonight
No matter how hard I try
Cause it's cold and it's dark
And the wind is a whistlin'
And I can't seem to put out the light

Momma's been searching for baby
But baby been tryin' to get home
Cause it's cold and it's dark
And the moon cannot light the way
And Daddy's gone, bye bye

I'm just a babyyyyy

[crying]

[JB]
I've had this birthmark since I was born,
It's the name of our fucking band dude.

[KG]
I have an ass mark too

"History"


This is a song called the history of Tenacious D
And its not just a list of bullshit that we've done in the past
It's a chronicling of our rise, to power!

We ride with kings on mighty steeds
Across the devils plain
We've walked with Jesus and his cross
He did not die in vain, NO!

We've run with wolves, we've climbed K2
Even stopped a moving train
We've traveled through space and time my friends
To rock this house again, rock!!

We ride and we ride and we'll never subside
And we'll ride till the planets collide
And if you say that we do not ride
I'll tan you're fucking hide, ride!!

Kyle's fingers be silver, Jacks voice then be gold
But lest you think we're vain
We know you're all robots and we don't care
Tenacious D, we reign!

We rei-eign, supreme, ooooh god!!
Burrito supreme, and a chicken supreme
And a cutlass supreme
Supreeeeeme yeaaaaaah
go now Kyle! 1-2-3
Supreme!!!

"The Government Totally Sucks"

The government totally sucks
You motherfucker
The government totally sucks

Ben Franklin was a rebel indeed
He liked to get naked while he smoked on the weed
He was a genius but if he was here today
The government would fuck him up his righteous A!

Now let me tell you something about the government (uh huh)
They're fucking up the environment (say what?)
They're taking all the fucking beautiful animals (yeah?)
And making them fucking extinct (oh no!)

The government totally sucks
You motherfucker
The government totally sucks
The government totally sucks

Cos the land of love and freedom,
Is just a baby's breath away
And if we hold hands together
We can bring back the USA

The USAAAAAA, yeah!
Bring back the USAAAA, yeah!
The fucking USAAAA yeah!
Bring back the US!

Government totally sucks!
[Lee] That was amazing, you changed people's lives tonight!
[JB] yeah it was awesome, compared to bullshit!

"Master Exploder"

Aaah! Arghhh!

I do not need, (he does not need)
a microphone (a microphone)
My voice is fuckin, (fuckin)
Powerful!!

Aaah!! Arghhh!

Sorry
I did not mean, (he did not mean)
to blow your mind (to blow your mind)
But that shit happens to me,
all the time!

Now take a look (take a look)
tell me what do you see? (tell me what do you see?)
We've got the Pick of Destiny!

AAAH! Arghhh!!