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Makišon

Poruka #410

05. Mar 2006, 14:26:50

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Bimala's Story

XIV

Who could have thought that so much would happen in this one
life? I feel as if I have passed through a whole series of
births, time has been flying so fast, I did not feel it move at
all, till the shock came the other day.

I knew there would be words between us when I made up my mind to
ask my husband to banish foreign goods from our market. But it
was my firm belief that I had no need to meet argument by
argument, for there was magic in the very air about me. Had not
so tremendous a man as Sandip fallen helplessly at my feet, like
a wave of the mighty sea breaking on the shore? Had I called
him? No, it was the summons of that magic spell of mine. And
Amulya, poor dear boy, when he first came to me--how the current
of his life flushed with colour, like the river at dawn! Truly
have I realized how a goddess feels when she looks upon the
radiant face of her devotee.

With the confidence begotten of these proofs of my power, I was
ready to meet my husband like a lightning-charged cloud. But
what was it that happened? Never in all these nine years have I
seen such a far-away, distraught look in his eyes--like the
desert sky--with no merciful moisture of its own, no colour
reflected, even, from what it looked upon. I should have been so
relieved if his anger had flashed out! But I could find nothing
in him which I could touch. I felt as unreal as a dream--a dream
which would leave only the blackness of night when it was over.

In the old days I used to be jealous of my sister-in-law for her
beauty. Then I used to feel that Providence had given me no
power of my own, that my whole strength lay in the love which my
husband had bestowed on me. Now that I had drained to the dregs
the cup of power and could not do without its intoxication, I
suddenly found it dashed to pieces at my feet, leaving me nothing
to live for.

How feverishly I had sat to do my hair that day. Oh, shame,
shame on me, the utter shame of it! My sister-in-law, when
passing by, had exclaimed: "Aha, Chota Rani! Your hair seems
ready to jump off. Don't let it carry your head with it."

And then, the other day in the garden, how easy my husband found
it to tell me that he set me free! But can freedom--empty
freedom--be given and taken so easily as all that? It is like
setting a fish free in the sky--for how can I move or live
outside the atmosphere of loving care which has always sustained
me?

When I came to my room today, I saw only furniture--only the
bedstead, only the looking-glass, only the clothes-rack--not the
all-pervading heart which used to be there, over all. Instead of
it there was freedom, only freedom, mere emptiness! A dried-up
watercourse with all its rocks and pebbles laid bare. No
feeling, only furniture!

When I had arrived at a state of utter bewilderment, wondering
whether anything true was left in my life, and whereabouts it
could be, I happened to meet Sandip again. Then life struck
against life, and the sparks flew in the same old way. Here was
truth--impetuous truth--which rushed in and overflowed all
bounds, truth which was a thousand times truer than the Bara Rani
with her maid, Thako and her silly songs, and all the rest of
them who talked and laughed and wandered about ...

"Fifty thousand!" Sandip had demanded.

"What is fifty thousand?" cried my intoxicated heart. "You
shall have it!"

How to get it, where to get it, were minor points not worth
troubling over. Look at me. Had I not risen, all in one moment,
from my nothingness to a height above everything? So shall all
things come at my beck and call. I shall get it, get it, get it
--there cannot be any doubt.

Thus had I come away from Sandip the other day. Then as I looked
about me, where was it--the tree of plenty? Oh, why does this
outer world insult the heart so?

And yet get it I must; how, I do not care; for sin there cannot
be. Sin taints only the weak; I with my __Shakti__ am beyond
its reach. Only a commoner can be a thief, the king conquers and
takes his rightful spoil ... I must find out where the treasury
is; who takes the money in; who guards it.

I spent half the night standing in the outer verandah peering at
the row of office buildings. But how to get that fifty thousand
rupees out of the clutches of those iron bars? If by some
__mantram__ I could have made all those guards fall dead in
their places, I would not have hesitated--so pitiless did I feel!

But while a whole gang of robbers seemed dancing a war-dance
within the whirling brain of its Rani, the great house of the
Rajas slept in peace. The gong of the watch sounded hour after
hour, and the sky overhead placidly looked on.

At last I sent for Amulya.

"Money is wanted for the Cause," I told him. "Can you not get it
out of the treasury?"

"Why not?" said he, with his chest thrown out.

Alas! had I not said "Why not?" to Sandip just in the same way?
The poor lad's confidence could rouse no hopes in my mind.

"How will you do it?" I asked.

The wild plans he began to unfold would hardly bear repetition
outside the pages of a penny dreadful.

"No, Amulya," I said severely, "you must not be childish."

"Very well, then," he said, "let me bribe those watchmen."

"Where is the money to come from?"

"I can loot the bazar," he burst out, without blenching.

"Leave all that alone. I have my ornaments, they will serve.

"But," said Amulya, "it strikes me that the cashier cannot be
bribed. Never mind, there is another and simpler way."

"What is that?"

"Why need you hear it? It is quite simple."

"Still, I should like to know."

Amulya fumbled in the pocket of his tunic and pulled out, first a
small edition of the __Gita__, which he placed on the table--
and then a little pistol, which he showed me, but said nothing
further.

Horror! It did not take him a moment to make up his mind to kill
our good old cashier! [23] To look at his frank, open face one
would not have thought him capable of hurting a fly, but how
different were the words which came from his mouth. It was clear
that the cashier's place in the world meant nothing real to him;
it was a mere vacancy, lifeless, feelingless, with only stock
phrases from the __Gita--Who kills the body kills naught! __

"Whatever do you mean, Amulya?" I exclaimed at length. "Don't
you know that the dear old man has got a wife and children and
that he is ..."

"Where are we to find men who have no wives and children?" he
interrupted. "Look here, Maharani, the thing we call pity is, at
bottom, only pity for ourselves. We cannot bear to wound our own
tender instincts, and so we do not strike at all--pity indeed!
The height of cowardice!"

To hear Sandip's phrases in the mouth of this mere boy staggered
me. So delightfully, lovably immature was he--of that age when
the good may still be believed in as good, of that age when one
really lives and grows. The Mother in me awoke.

For myself there was no longer good or bad--only death, beautiful
alluring death. But to hear this stripling calmly talk of
murdering an inoffensive old man as the right thing to do, made
me shudder all over. The more clearly I saw that there was no
sin in his heart, the more horrible appeared to me the sin of his
words. I seemed to see the sin of the parents visited on the
innocent child.

The sight of his great big eyes shining with faith and enthusiasm
touched me to the quick. He was going, in his fascination,
straight to the jaws of the python, from which, once in, there
was no return. How was he to be saved? Why does not my country
become, for once, a real Mother--clasp him to her bosom and cry
out: "Oh, my child, my child, what profits it that you should
save me, if so it be that I should fail to save you?"

I know, I know, that all Power on earth waxes great under compact
with Satan. But the Mother is there, alone though she be, to
contemn and stand against this devil's progress. The Mother
cares not for mere success, however great--she wants to give
life, to save life. My very soul, today, stretches out its hands
in yearning to save this child.

A while ago I suggested robbery to him. Whatever I may now say
against it will be put down to a woman's weakness. They only
love our weakness when it drags the world in its toils!

"You need do nothing at all, Amulya, I will see to the money," I
told him finally. When he had almost reached the door, I called
him back.

"Amulya," said I, "I am your elder sister. Today is not the
Brothers' Day [24] according to the calendar, but all the days in
the year are really Brothers' Days. My blessing be with you: may
God keep you always."

These unexpected words from my lips took Amulya by surprise. He
stood stock-still for a time. Then, coming to himself, he
prostrated himself at my feet in acceptance of the relationship
and did me reverence. When he rose his eyes were full of tears
... O little brother mine! I am fast going to my death--let me
take all your sin away with me. May no taint from me ever
tarnish your innocence!

I said to him: "Let your offering of reverence be that pistol!"

"What do you want with it, sister?"

"I will practise death."

"Right, sister. Our women, also, must know how to die, to deal
death!" with which Amulya handed me the pistol. The radiance of
his youthful countenance seemed to tinge my life with the touch
of a new dawn. I put away the pistol within my clothes. May
this reverence-offering be the last resource in my extremity ...

The door to the mother's chamber in my woman's heart once opened,
I thought it would always remain open. But this pathway to the
supreme good was closed when the mistress took the place of the
mother and locked it again. The very next day I saw Sandip; and
madness, naked and rampant, danced upon my heart.

What was this? Was this, then, my truer self? Never! I had
never before known this shameless, this cruel one within me. The
snake-charmer had come, pretending to draw this snake from within
the fold of my garment--but it was never there, it was his all
the time. Some demon has gained possession of me, and what I am
doing today is the play of his activity--it has nothing to do
with me.

This demon, in the guise of a god, had come with his ruddy torch
to call me that day, saying: "I am your Country. I am your
Sandip. I am more to you than anything else of yours. __Bande
Mataram__!" And with folded hands I had responded: "You are my
religion. You are my heaven. Whatever else is mine shall be
swept away before my love for you. __Bande Mataram__!"

Five thousand is it? Five thousand it shall be! You want it
tomorrow? Tomorrow you shall have it! In this desperate orgy,
that gift of five thousand shall be as the foam of wine--and then
for the riotous revel! The immovable world shall sway under our
feet, fire shall flash from our eyes, a storm shall roar in our
ears, what is or is not in front shall become equally dim. And
then with tottering footsteps we shall plunge to our death--in a
moment all fire will be extinguished, the ashes will be
scattered, and nothing will remain behind.

------

23. The cashier is the official who is most in touch with the
ladies of a __zamindar's__ household, directly taking their
requisitions for household stores and doing their shopping for
them, and so he becomes more a member of the family than the
others. [Trans.].

24. The daughter of the house occupies a place of specially
tender affection in a Bengali household (perhaps in Hindu
households all over India) because, by dictate of custom, she
must be given away in marriage so early. She thus takes
corresponding memories with her to her husband's home, where she
has to begin as a stranger before she can get into her place.
The resulting feeling, of the mistress of her new home for the
one she has left, has taken ceremonial form as the Brothers' Day,
on which the brothers are invited to the married sisters' houses.
Where the sister is the elder, she offers her blessing and
receives the brother's reverence, and vice versa. Presents,
called the offerings of reverence (or blessing), are exchanged.
[Trans.].

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Makišon

Poruka #411

05. Mar 2006, 14:28:40

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Chapter Nine

Bimala's Story

XV

FOR a time I was utterly at a loss to think of any way of getting
that money. Then, the other day, in the light of intense
excitement, suddenly the whole picture stood out clear before me.

Every year my husband makes a reverence-offering of six thousand
rupees to my sister-in-law at the time of the Durga Puja. Every
year it is deposited in her account at the bank in Calcutta.
This year the offering was made as usual, but it has not yet been
sent to the bank, being kept meanwhile in an iron safe, in a
corner of the little dressing-room attached to our bedroom.

Every year my husband takes the money to the bank himself. This
year he has not yet had an opportunity of going to town. How
could I fail to see the hand of Providence in this? The money
has been held up because the country wants it--who could have the
power to take it away from her to the bank? And how can I have
the power to refuse to take the money? The goddess revelling in
destruction holds out her blood-cup crying: "Give me drink. I am
thirsty." I will give her my own heart's blood with that five
thousand rupees. Mother, the loser of that money will scarcely
feel the loss, but me you will utterly ruin!

Many a time, in the old days, have I inwardly called the Senior
Rani a thief, for I charged her with wheedling money out of my
trusting husband. After her husband's death, she often used to
make away with things belonging to the estate for her own use.
This I used to point out to my husband, but he remained silent.
I would get angry and say: "If you feel generous, make gifts by
all means, but why allow yourself to be robbed?" Providence must
have smiled, then, at these complaints of mine, for tonight I am
on the way to rob my husband's safe of my sister-in-law's money.
My husband's custom was to let his keys remain in his pockets
when he took off his clothes for the night, leaving them in the
dressing-room. I picked out the key of the safe and opened it.
The slight sound it made seemed to wake the whole world! A
sudden chill turned my hands and feet icy cold, and I shivered
all over.

There was a drawer inside the safe. On opening this I found the
money, not in currency notes, but in gold rolled up in paper. I
had no time to count out what I wanted. There were twenty rolls,
all of which I took and tied up in a corner of my __sari__.

What a weight it was. The burden of the theft crushed my heart
to the dust. Perhaps notes would have made it seem less like
thieving, but this was all gold.

After I had stolen into my room like a thief, it felt like my own
room no longer. All the most precious rights which I had over it
vanished at the touch of my theft. I began to mutter to myself,
as though telling __mantrams: Bande Mataram, Bande Mataram__,
my Country, my golden Country, all this gold is for you, for none
else!

But in the night the mind is weak. I came back into the bedroom
where my husband was asleep, closing my eyes as I passed through,
and went off to the open terrace beyond, on which I lay prone,
clasping to my breast the end of the __sari__ tied over the
gold. And each one of the rolls gave me a shock of pain.

The silent night stood there with forefinger upraised. I could
not think of my house as separate from my country: I had robbed
my house, I had robbed my country. For this sin my house had
ceased to be mine, my country also was estranged from me. Had I
died begging for my country, even unsuccessfully, that would have
been worship, acceptable to the gods. But theft is never
worship--how then can I offer this gold? Ah me! I am doomed to
death myself, must I desecrate my country with my impious touch?
The way to put the money back is closed to me. I have not
the strength to return to the room, take again that key, open
once more that safe--I should swoon on the threshold of my
husband's door. The only road left now is the road in front.
Neither have I the strength deliberately to sit down and count
the coins. Let them remain behind their coverings: I cannot
calculate.

There was no mist in the winter sky. The stars were shining
brightly. If, thought I to myself, as I lay out there, I had to
steal these stars one by one, like golden coins, for my country--
these stars so carefully stored up in the bosom of the darkness--
then the sky would be blinded, the night widowed for ever, and my
theft would rob the whole world. But was not also this very
thing I had done a robbing of the whole world--not only of money,
but of trust, of righteousness?

I spent the night lying on the terrace. When at last it was
morning, and I was sure that my husband had risen and left the
room, then only with my shawl pulled over my head, could I
retrace my steps towards the bedroom.

My sister-in-law was about, with her brass pot, watering her
plants. When she saw me passing in the distance she cried: "Have
you heard the news, Chota Rani?"

I stopped in silence, all in a tremor. It seemed to me that the
rolls of sovereigns were bulging through the shawl. I feared
they would burst and scatter in a ringing shower, exposing to all
the servants of the house the thief who had made herself
destitute by robbing her own wealth.

"Your band of robbers," she went on, "have sent an anonymous
message threatening to loot the treasury."

I remained as silent as a thief.

"I was advising Brother Nikhil to seek your protection," she
continued banteringly. "Call off your minions, Robber Queen! We
will offer sacrifices to your __Bande Mataram__ if you will
but save us. What doings there are these days!--but for the
Lord's sake, spare our house at least from burglary."

I hastened into my room without reply. I had put my foot on
quicksand, and could not now withdraw it. Struggling would only
send me down deeper.

If only the time would arrive when I could hand over the money to
Sandip! I could bear it no longer, its weight was breaking
through my very ribs.

It was still early when I got word that Sandip was awaiting me.
Today I had no thought of adornment. Wrapped as I was in my
shawl, I went off to the outer apartments. As I entered the
sitting-room I saw Sandip and Amulya there, together. All my
dignity, all my honour, seemed to run tingling through my body
from head to foot and vanish into the ground. I should have to
lay bare a woman's uttermost shame in sight of this boy! Could
they have been discussing my deed in their meeting place? Had
any vestige of a veil of decency been left for me?

We women shall never understand men. When they are bent on
making a road for some achievement, they think nothing of
breaking the heart of the world into pieces to pave it for the
progress of their chariot. When they are mad with the
intoxication of creating, they rejoice in destroying the creation
of the Creator. This heart-breaking shame of mine will not
attract even a glance from their eyes. They have no feeling for
life itself--all their eagerness is for their object. What am I
to them but a meadow flower in the path of a torrent in flood?

What good will this extinction of me be to Sandip? Only five
thousand rupees? Was not I good for something more than only
five thousand rupees? Yes, indeed! Did I not learn that from
Sandip himself, and was I not able in the light of this knowledge
to despise all else in my world? I was the giver of light, of
life, of __Shakti__, of immortality--in that belief, in that
joy, I had burst all my bounds and come into the open. Had
anyone then fulfilled for me that joy, I should have lived in my
death. I should have lost nothing in the loss of my all.
Do they want to tell me now that all this was false? The psalm
of my praise which was sung so devotedly, did it bring me down
from my heaven, not to make heaven of earth, but only to level
heaven itself with the dust?

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Makišon

Poruka #412

05. Mar 2006, 14:30:41

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XVI

"The money, Queen?" said Sandip with his keen glance full on my
face.

Amulya also fixed his gaze on me. Though not my own mother's
child, yet the dear lad is brother to me; for mother is mother
all the world over. With his guileless face, his gentle eyes,
his innocent youth, he looked at me. And I, a woman--of his
mother's sex--how could I hand him poison, just because he asked
for it?

"The money, Queen!" Sandip's insolent demand rang in my ears.
For very shame and vexation I felt I wanted to fling that gold at
Sandip's head. I could hardly undo the knot of my __sari__,
my fingers trembled so. At last the paper rolls dropped on the
table.

Sandip's face grew black ... He must have thought that the rolls
were of silver ... What contempt was in his looks. What utter
disgust at incapacity. It was almost as if he could have struck
me! He must have suspected that I had come to parley with him,
to offer to compound his claim for five thousand rupees with a
few hundreds. There was a moment when I thought he would snatch
up the rolls and throw them out of the window, declaring that he
was no beggar, but a king claiming tribute.

"Is that all?" asked Amulya with such pity welling up in his
voice that I wanted to sob out aloud. I kept my heart tightly
pressed down, and merely nodded my head. Sandip was speechless.
He neither touched the rolls, nor uttered a sound.

My humiliation went straight to the boy's heart. With a sudden,
feigned enthusiasm he exclaimed: "It's plenty. It will do
splendidly. You have saved us." With which he tore open the
covering of one of the rolls.

The sovereigns shone out. And in a moment the black covering
seemed to be lifted from Sandip's countenance also. His delight
beamed forth from his features. Unable to control his sudden
revulsion of feeling, he sprang up from his seat towards me.
What he intended I know not. I flashed a lightning glance
towards Amulya--the colour had left the boy's face as at the
stroke of a whip. Then with all my strength I thrust Sandip from
me. As he reeled back his head struck the edge of the marble
table and he dropped on the floor. There he lay awhile,
motionless. Exhausted with my effort, I sank back on my seat.

Amulya's face lightened with a joyful radiance. He did not even
turn towards Sandip, but came straight up, took the dust of my
feet, and then remained there, sitting on the floor in front of
me. O my little brother, my child! This reverence of yours is
the last touch of heaven left in my empty world! I could contain
myself no longer, and my tears flowed fast. I covered my eyes
with the end of my __sari__, which I pressed to my face with
both my hands, and sobbed and sobbed. And every time that I felt
on my feet his tender touch trying to comfort me my tears broke
out afresh.

After a little, when I had recovered myself and taken my hands
from my face, I saw Sandip back at the table, gathering up the
sovereigns in his handkerchief, as if nothing had happened.
Amulya rose to his seat, from his place near my feet, his wet
eyes shining.

Sandip coolly looked up at my face as he remarked: "It is six
thousand."

"What do we want with so much, Sandip Babu?" cried Amulya.
"Three thousand five hundred is all we need for our work."

"Our wants are not for this one place only," Sandip replied. "We
shall want all we can get."

"That may be," said Amulya. "But in future I undertake to get
you all you want. Out of this, Sandip Babu, please return the
extra two thousand five hundred to the Maharani."

Sandip glanced enquiringly at me.

"No, no," I exclaimed. "I shall never touch that money again.
Do with it as you will."

"Can man ever give as woman can?" said Sandip, looking towards
Amulya.

"They are goddesses!" agreed Amulya with enthusiasm.

"We men can at best give of our power," continued Sandip. "But
women give themselves. Out of their own life they give birth,
out of their own life they give sustenance. Such gifts are the
only true gifts." Then turning to me, "Queen!" said he, "if
what you have given us had been only money I would not have
touched it. But you have given that which is more to you than
life itself!"

There must be two different persons inside men. One of these in
me can understand that Sandip is trying to delude me; the other
is content to be deluded. Sandip has power, but no strength of
righteousness. The weapon of his which rouses up life smites it
again to death. He has the unfailing quiver of the gods, but the
shafts in them are of the demons.

Sandip's handkerchief was not large enough to hold all the coins.
"Queen," he asked, "can you give me another?" When I gave him
mine, he reverently touched his forehead with it, and then
suddenly kneeling on the floor he made me an obeisance.
"Goddess!" he said, "it was to offer my reverence that I had
approached you, but you repulsed me, and rolled me in the dust.
Be it so, I accept your repulse as your boon to me, I raise it to
my head in salutation!" with which he pointed to the place where
he had been hurt.

Had I then misunderstood him? Could it be that his outstretched
hands had really been directed towards my feet? Yet, surely,
even Amulya had seen the passion that flamed out of his eyes, his
face. But Sandip is such an adept in setting music to his chant
of praise that I cannot argue; I lose my power of seeing truth;
my sight is clouded over like an opium-eater's eyes. And so,
after all, he gave me back twice as much in return for the blow I
had dealt him--the wound on his head ended by making me bleed at
heart. When I had received Sandip's obeisance my theft seemed to
gain a dignity, and the gold glittering on the table to smile
away all fear of disgrace, all stings of conscience.

Like me Amulya also was won back. His devotion to Sandip, which
had suffered a momentary check, blazed up anew. The flower-vase
of his mind filled once more with offerings for the worship of
Sandip and me. His simple faith shone out of his eyes with the
pure light of the morning star at dawn.

After I had offered worship and received worship my sin became
radiant. And as Amulya looked on my face he raised his folded
hands in salutation and cried __Bande Mataram__! I cannot
expect to have this adoration surrounding me for ever; and yet
this has come to be the only means of keeping alive my self-
respect.

I can no longer enter my bedroom. The bedstead seems to thrust
out a forbidding hand, the iron safe frowns at me. I want to get
away from this continual insult to myself which is rankling
within me. I want to keep running to Sandip to hear him sing my
praises. There is just this one little altar of worship which
has kept its head above the all-pervading depths of my dishonour,
and so I want to cleave to it night and day; for on whichever
side I step away from it, there is only emptiness.

Praise, praise, I want unceasing praise. I cannot live if my
wine-cup be left empty for a single moment. So, as the very
price of my life, I want Sandip of all the world, today.

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Poruka #413

05. Mar 2006, 14:31:45

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XVII

When my husband nowadays comes in for his meals I feel I cannot
sit before him; and yet it is such a shame not to be near him
that I feel I cannot do that either. So I seat myself where we
cannot look at each other's face. That was how I was sitting the
other day when the Bara Rani came and joined us.

"It is all very well for you, brother," said she, "to laugh away
these threatening letters. But they do frighten me so. Have you
sent off that money you gave me to the Calcutta bank?"

"No, I have not yet had the time to get it away," my husband
replied.

"You are so careless, brother dear, you had better look out..."

"But it is in the iron safe right inside the inner dressing-
room," said my husband with a reassuring smile.

"What if they get in there? You can never tell!"

"If they go so far, they might as well carry you off too!"

"Don't you fear, no one will come for poor me. The real
attraction is in your room! But joking apart, don't run the risk
of keeping money in the room like that."

"They will be taking along the Government revenue to Calcutta in
a few days now; I will send this money to the bank under the same
escort."

"Very well. But see you don't forget all about it, you are so
absent-minded."

"Even if that money gets lost, while in my room, the loss cannot
be yours, Sister Rani."

"Now, now, brother, you will make me very angry if you talk in
that way. Was I making any difference between yours and mine?
What if your money is lost, does not that hurt me? If Providence
has thought fit to take away my all, it has not left me
insensible to the value of the most devoted brother known since
the days of Lakshman." [25]

"Well, Junior Rani, are you turned into a wooden doll? You have
not spoken a word yet. Do you know, brother, our Junior Rani
thinks I try to flatter you. If things came to that pass I
should not hesitate to do so, but I know my dear old brother does
not need it!"

Thus the Senior Rani chattered on, not forgetting now and then to
draw her brother's attention to this or that special delicacy
amongst the dishes that were being served. My head was all the
time in a whirl. The crisis was fast coming. Something must be
done about replacing that money. And as I kept asking myself
what could be done, and how it was to be done, the unceasing
patter of my sister-in-law's words seemed more and more
intolerable.

What made it all the worse was, that nothing could escape my
sister-in-law's keen eyes. Every now and then she was casting
side glances towards me. What she could read in my face I do not
know, but to me it seemed that everything was written there only
too plainly.

Then I did an infinitely rash thing. Affecting an easy, amused
laugh I said: "All the Senior Rani's suspicions, I see, are
reserved for me--her fears of thieves and robbers are only a
feint."

The Senior Rani smiled mischievously. "You are right, sister
mine. A woman's theft is the most fatal of all thefts. But how
can you elude my watchfulness? Am I a man, that you should
hoodwink me?"

"If you fear me so," I retorted, "let me keep in your hands all I
have, as security. If I cause you loss, you can then repay
yourself."

"Just listen to her, our simple little Junior Rani!" she laughed
back, turning to my husband. "Does she not know that there are
losses which no security can make good, either in this world or
in the next?"

My husband did not join in our exchange of words. When he had
finished, he went off to the outer apartments, for nowadays he
does not take his mid-day rest in our room.

All my more valuable jewels were in deposit in the treasury in
charge of the cashier. Still what I kept with me must have been
worth thirty or forty thousand. I took my jewel-box to the Bara
Rani's room and opened it out before her, saying: "I leave these
with you, sister. They will keep you quite safe from all worry."

The Bara Rani made a gesture of mock despair. "You positively
astound me, Chota Rani!" she said. "Do you really suppose I
spend sleepless nights for fear of being robbed by you?"

"What harm if you did have a wholesome fear of me? Does anybody
know anybody else in this world?"

"You want to teach me a lesson by trusting me? No, no! I am
bothered enough to know what to do with my own jewels, without
keeping watch over yours. Take them away, there's a dear, so
many prying servants are about."

I went straight from my sister-in-law's room to the sitting-room
outside, and sent for Amulya. With him Sandip came along too. I
was in a great hurry, and said to Sandip: "If you don't mind, I
want to have a word or two with Amulya. Would you..."

Sandip smiled a wry smile. "So Amulya and I are separate in your
eyes? If you have set about to wean him from me, I must confess
I have no power to retain him."

I made no reply, but stood waiting.

"Be it so," Sandip went on. "Finish your special talk with
Amulya. But then you must give me a special talk all to myself
too, or it will mean a defeat for me. I can stand everything,
but not defeat. My share must always be the lion's share. This
has been my constant quarrel with Providence. I will defeat the
Dispenser of my fate, but not take defeat at his hands." With a
crushing look at Amulya, Sandip walked out of the room.

"Amulya, my own little brother, you must do one thing for me," I
said.

"I will stake my life for whatever duty you may lay on me,
sister."

I brought out my jewel-box from the folds of my shawl and placed
it before him. "Sell or pawn these," I said, "and get me six
thousand rupees as fast as ever you can."

"No, no, Sister Rani," said Amulya, touched to the quick. "Let
these jewels be. I will get you six thousand all the same."

"Oh, don't be silly," I said impatiently. "There is no time for
any nonsense. Take this box. Get away to Calcutta by the night
train. And bring me the money by the day after tomorrow
positively."

Amulya took a diamond necklace out of the box, held it up to the
light and put it back gloomily.

"I know," I told him, "that you will never get the proper price
for these diamonds, so I am giving you jewels worth about thirty
thousand. I don't care if they all go, but I must have that six
thousand without fail."

"Do you know, Sister Rani," said Amulya, "I have had a quarrel
with Sandip Babu over that six thousand rupees he took from you?
I cannot tell you how ashamed I felt. But Sandip Babu would have
it that we must give up even our shame for the country. That may
be so. But this is somehow different. I do not fear to die for
the country, to kill for the country--that much __Shakti__ has
been given me. But I cannot forget the shame of having taken
money from you. There Sandip Babu is ahead of me. He has no
regrets or compunctions. He says we must get rid of the idea
that the money belongs to the one in whose box it happens to be--
if we cannot, where is the magic of __Bande Mataram__?"

Amulya gathered enthusiasm as he talked on. He always warms up
when he has me for a listener. "The Gita tells us," he
continued, "that no one can kill the soul. Killing is a mere
word. So also is the taking away of money. Whose is the money?
No one has created it. No one can take it away with him when he
departs this life, for it is no part of his soul. Today it is
mine, tomorrow my son's, the next day his creditor's. Since, in
fact, money belongs to no one, why should any blame attach to our
patriots if, instead of leaving it for some worthless son, they
take it for their own use?"

When I hear Sandip's words uttered by this boy, I tremble all
over. Let those who are snake-charmers play with snakes; if harm
comes to them, they are prepared for it. But these boys are so
innocent, all the world is ready with its blessing to protect
them. They play with a snake not knowing its nature, and when we
see them smilingly, trustfully, putting their hands within reach
of its fangs, then we understand how terribly dangerous the snake
is. Sandip is right when he suspects that though I, for myself,
may be ready to die at his hands, this boy I shall wean from him
and save.

"So the money is wanted for the use of your patriots?" I
questioned with a smile.

"Of course it is!" said Amulya proudly. "Are they not our
kings? Poverty takes away from their regal power. Do you know,
we always insist on Sandip Babu travelling First Class? He never
shirks kingly honours--he accepts them not for himself, but for
the glory of us all. The greatest weapon of those who rule the
world, Sandip Babu has told us, is the hypnotism of their
display. To take the vow of poverty would be for them not merely
a penance--it would mean suicide."

At this point Sandip noiselessly entered the room. I threw my
shawl over the jewel-case with a rapid movement.

"The special-talk business not yet over?" he asked with a sneer
in his tone.

"Yes, we've quite finished," said Amulya apologetically. "It was
nothing much."

"No, Amulya," I said, "we have not quite finished."

"So exit Sandip for the second time, I suppose?" said Sandip.

"If you please."

"And as to Sandip's re-entry."

"Not today. I have no time."

"I see!" said Sandip as his eyes flashed. "No time to waste,
only for special talks!"

Jealousy! Where the strong man shows weakness, there the weaker
sex cannot help beating her drums of victory. So I repeated
firmly: "I really have no time."

Sandip went away looking black. Amulya was greatly perturbed.
"Sister Rani," he pleaded, "Sandip Babu is annoyed."

"He has neither cause nor right to be annoyed," I said with some
vehemence. "Let me caution you about one thing, Amulya. Say
nothing to Sandip Babu about the sale of my jewels--on your
life."

"No, I will not."

"Then you had better not delay any more. You must get away by
tonight's train."

Amulya and I left the room together. As we came out on the
verandah Sandip was standing there. I could see he was waiting
to waylay Amulya. To prevent that I had to engage him. "What is
it you wanted to tell me, Sandip Babu?" I asked.

"I have nothing special to say--mere small talk. And since you
have not the time . . "

"I can give you just a little."

By this time Amulya had left. As we entered the room Sandip
asked: "What was that box Amulya carried away?"

The box had not escaped his eyes. I remained firm. "If I could
have told you, it would have been made over to him in your
presence!"

"So you think Amulya will not tell me?"

"No, he will not."

Sandip could not conceal his anger any longer. "You think you
will gain the mastery over me?" he blazed out. "That shall
never be. Amulya, there, would die a happy death if I deigned to
trample him under foot. I will never, so long as I live, allow
you to bring him to your feet!"

Oh, the weak! the weak! At last Sandip has realized that he is
weak before me! That is why there is this sudden outburst of
anger. He has understood that he cannot meet the power that I
wield, with mere strength. With a glance I can crumble his
strongest fortifications. So he must needs resort to bluster. I
simply smiled in contemptuous silence. At last have I come to a
level above him. I must never lose this vantage ground; never
descend lower again. Amidst all my degradation this bit of
dignity must remain to me!

"I know," said Sandip, after a pause, "it was your jewel-case."

"You may guess as you please," said I, "but you will get nothing
out of me.

"So you trust Amulya more than you trust me? Do you know that
the boy is the shadow of my shadow, the echo of my echo--that he
is nothing if I am not at his side?"

"Where he is not your echo, he is himself, Amulya. And that is
where I trust him more than I can trust your echo!"

"You must not forget that you are under a promise to render up
all your ornaments to me for the worship of the Divine Mother.
In fact your offering has already been made."

"Whatever ornaments the gods leave to me will be offered up to
the gods. But how can I offer those which have been stolen away
from me?"

"Look here, it is no use your trying to give me the slip in that
fashion. Now is the time for grim work. Let that work be
finished, then you can make a display of your woman's wiles to
your heart's content--and I will help you in your game."

The moment I had stolen my husband's money and paid it to Sandip,
the music that was in our relations stopped. Not only did I
destroy all my own value by making myself cheap, but Sandip's
powers, too, lost scope for their full play. You cannot employ
your marksmanship against a thing which is right in your grasp.
So Sandip has lost his aspect of the hero; a tone of low
quarrelsomeness has come into his words.

Sandip kept his brilliant eyes fixed full on my face till they
seemed to blaze with all the thirst of the mid-day sky. Once or
twice he fidgeted with his feet, as though to leave his seat, as
if to spring right on me. My whole body seemed to swim, my veins
throbbed, the hot blood surged up to my ears; I felt that if I
remained there, I should never get up at all. With a supreme
effort I tore myself off the chair, and hastened towards the
door.

From Sandip's dry throat there came a muffled cry: "Whither would
you flee, Queen?" The next moment he left his seat with a bound
to seize hold of me. At the sound of footsteps outside the door,
however, he rapidly retreated and fell back into his chair. I
checked my steps near the bookshelf, where I stood staring at the
names of the books.

As my husband entered the room, Sandip exclaimed: "I say, Nikhil,
don't you keep Browning among your books here? I was just
telling Queen Bee of our college club. Do you remember that
contest of ours over the translation of those lines from
Browning? You don't?

/*
"She should never have looked at me,
If she meant I should not love her,
There are plenty ... men you call such,
I suppose ... she may discover
All her soul to, if she pleases,
And yet leave much as she found them:
But I'm not so, and she knew it
When she fixed me, glancing round them.
*/

"I managed to get together the words to render it into Bengali,
somehow, but the result was hardly likely to be a 'joy forever'
to the people of Bengal. I really did think at one time that I
was on the verge of becoming a poet, but Providence was kind
enough to save me from that disaster. Do you remember old
Dakshina? If he had not become a Salt Inspector, he would have
been a poet. I remember his rendering to this day ...

"No, Queen Bee, it is no use rummaging those bookshelves. Nikhil
has ceased to read poetry since his marriage--perhaps he has no
further need for it. But I suppose 'the fever fit of poesy', as
the Sanskrit has it, is about to attack me again."

"I have come to give you a warning, Sandip," said my husband.

"About the fever fit of poesy?"

My husband took no notice of this attempt at humour. "For some
time," he continued, "Mahomedan preachers have been about
stirring up the local Mussulmans. They are all wild with you,
and may attack you any moment."

"Are you come to advise flight?"

"I have come to give you information, not to offer advice."

"Had these estates been mine, such a warning would have been
necessary for the preachers, not for me. If, instead of trying
to frighten me, you give them a taste of your intimidation, that
would be worthier both of you and me. Do you know that your
weakness is weakening your neighbouring __zamindars__ also?"

"I did not offer you my advice, Sandip. I wish you, too, would
refrain from giving me yours. Besides, it is useless. And there
is another thing I want to tell you. You and your followers have
been secretly worrying and oppressing my tenantry. I cannot
allow that any longer. So I must ask you to leave my territory."

"For fear of the Mussulmans, or is there any other fear you have
to threaten me with?"

"There are fears the want of which is cowardice. In the name of
those fears, I tell you, Sandip, you must go. In five days I
shall be starting for Calcutta. I want you to accompany me. You
may of course stay in my house there--to that there is no
objection."

"All right, I have still five day's time then. Meanwhile, Queen
Bee, let me hum to you my song of parting from your honey-hive.
Ah! you poet of modern Bengal! Throw open your doors and let me
plunder your words. The theft is really yours, for it is my song
which you have made your own--let the name be yours by all means,
but the song is mine." With this Sandip struck up in a deep,
husky voice, which threatened to be out of tune, a song in the
Bhairavi mode:

/*
"In the springtime of your kingdom, my Queen,
Meetings and partings chase each other in their endless hide
and seek,
And flowers blossom in the wake of those that droop and die in
the shade.
In the springtime of your kingdom, my Queen,
My meeting with you had its own songs,
But has not also my leave-taking any gift to offer you?
That gift is my secret hope, which I keep hidden in the shadows
of your flower garden,
That the rains of July may sweetly temper your fiery June."
*/

His boldness was immense--boldness which had no veil, but was naked
as fire. One finds no time to stop it: it is like trying
to resist a thunderbolt: the lightning flashes: it laughs at all
resistance.

I left the room. As I was passing along the verandah towards the
inner apartments, Amulya suddenly made his appearance and came
and stood before me.

"Fear nothing, Sister Rani," he said. "I am off tonight and
shall not return unsuccessful."

"Amulya," said I, looking straight into his earnest, youthful
face, "I fear nothing for myself, but may I never cease to fear
for you."

Amulya turned to go, but before he was out of sight I called him
back and asked: "Have you a mother, Amulya?"

"I have."

"A sister?"

"No, I am the only child of my mother. My father died when I was
quite little."

"Then go back to your mother, Amulya."

"But, Sister Rani, I have now both mother and sister."

"Then, Amulya, before you leave tonight, come and have your
dinner here."

"There won't be time for that. Let me take some food for the
journey, consecrated with your touch."

"What do you specially like, Amulya?"
"If I had been with my mother I should have had lots of Poush
cakes. Make some for me with your own hands, Sister Rani!"

------

25. Of the __Ramayana__. The story of his devotion to his
elder brother Rama and his brother's wife Sita, has become a
byword.

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Poruka #414

05. Mar 2006, 14:34:00

Veteran foruma

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Ne tece to reka,nego voda!Ne prolazi vreme,već mi!

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Chapter Ten

Nikhil's Story

XII

I LEARNT from my master that Sandip had joined forces with Harish
Kundu, and there was to be a grand celebration of the worship of
the demon-destroying Goddess. Harish Kundu was extorting the
expenses from his tenantry. Pandits Kaviratna and Vidyavagish
had been commissioned to compose a hymn with a double meaning.

My master has just had a passage at arms with Sandip over this.
"Evolution is at work amongst the gods as well," says Sandip.
"The grandson has to remodel the gods created by the grandfather
to suit his own taste, or else he is left an atheist. It is my
mission to modernize the ancient deities. I am born the saviour
of the gods, to emancipate them from the thraldom of the past."

I have seen from our boyhood what a juggler with ideas is Sandip.
He has no interest in discovering truth, but to make a quizzical
display of it rejoices his heart. Had he been born in the wilds
of Africa he would have spent a glorious time inventing argument
after argument to prove that cannibalism is the best means of
promoting true communion between man and man. But those who deal
in delusion end by deluding themselves, and I fully believe that,
each time Sandip creates a new fallacy, he persuades himself that
he has found the truth, however contradictory his creations may
be to one another.

However, I shall not give a helping hand to establish a liquor
distillery in my country. The young men, who are ready to offer
their services for their country's cause, must not fall into this
habit of getting intoxicated. The people who want to exact work
by drugging methods set more value on the excitement than on the
minds they intoxicate.

I had to tell Sandip, in Bimala's presence, that he must go.
Perhaps both will impute to me the wrong motive. But I must free
myself also from all fear of being misunderstood. Let even
Bimala misunderstand me ...

A number of Mahomedan preachers are being sent over from Dacca.
The Mussulmans in my territory had come to have almost as much of
an aversion to the killing of cows as the Hindus. But now cases
of cow-killing are cropping up here and there. I had the news
first from some of my Mussulman tenants with expressions of their
disapproval. Here was a situation which I could see would be
difficult to meet. At the bottom was a pretence of fanaticism,
which would cease to be a pretence if obstructed. That is just
where the ingenuity of the move came in!

I sent for some of my principal Hindu tenants and tried to get
them to see the matter in its proper light. "We can be staunch
in our own convictions," I said, "but we have no control over
those of others. For all that many of us are Vaishnavas, those
of us who are Shaktas go on with their animal sacrifices just the
same. That cannot be helped. We must, in the same way, let the
Mussulmans do as they think best. So please refrain from all
disturbance."

"Maharaja," they replied, "these outrages have been unknown for
so long."

"That was so," I said, "because such was their spontaneous
desire. Let us behave in such a way that the same may become
true, over again. But a breach of the peace is not the way to
bring this about."

"No, Maharaja," they insisted, "those good old days are gone.
This will never stop unless you put it down with a strong hand."

"Oppression," I replied, "will not only not prevent cow-killing,
it may lead to the killing of men as well."

One of them had had an English education. He had learnt to
repeat the phrases of the day. "It is not only a question of
orthodoxy," he argued. "Our country is mainly agricultural, and
cows are ..."

"Buffaloes in this country," I interrupted, "likewise give milk
and are used for ploughing. And therefore, so long as we dance
frantic dances on our temple pavements, smeared with their blood,
their severed heads carried on our shoulders, religion will only
laugh at us if we quarrel with Mussulmans in her name, and
nothing but the quarrel itself will remain true. If the cow
alone is to be held sacred from slaughter, and not the buffalo,
then that is bigotry, not religion."

"But are you not aware, sir, of what is behind all this?"
pursued the English-knowing tenant. "This has only become
possible because the Mussulman is assured of safety, even if he
breaks the law. Have you not heard of the Pachur case?"

"Why is it possible," I asked, "to use the Mussulmans thus, as
tools against us? Is it not because we have fashioned them into
such with our own intolerance? That is how Providence punishes
us. Our accumulated sins are being visited on our own heads."

"Oh, well, if that be so, let them be visited on us. But we
shall have our revenge. We have undermined what was the greatest
strength of the authorities, their devotion to their own laws.
Once they were truly kings, dispensing justice; now they
themselves will become law-breakers, and so no better than
robbers. This may not go down to history, but we shall carry it
in our hearts for all time ..."

The evil reports about me which are spreading from paper to paper
are making me notorious. News comes that my effigy has been
burnt at the river-side burning-ground of the Chakravartis, with
due ceremony and enthusiasm; and other insults are in
contemplation. The trouble was that they had come to ask me to
take shares in a Cotton Mill they wanted to start. I had to tell
them that I did not so much mind the loss of my own money, but I
would not be a party to causing a loss to so many poor
shareholders.

"Are we to understand, Maharaja," said my visitors, "that the
prosperity of the country does not interest you?"

"Industry may lead to the country's prosperity," I explained,
"but a mere desire for its prosperity will not make for success
in industry. Even when our heads were cool, our industries did
not flourish. Why should we suppose that they will do so just
because we have become frantic?"

"Why not say plainly that you will not risk your money?"

"I will put in my money when I see that it is industry which
prompts you. But, because you have lighted a fire, it does not
follow that you have the food to cook over it."

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Poruka #415

05. Mar 2006, 14:35:47

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XIII

What is this? Our Chakua sub-treasury looted! A remittance of
seven thousand five hundred rupees was due from there to
headquarters. The local cashier had changed the cash at the
Government Treasury into small currency notes for convenience in
carrying, and had kept them ready in bundles. In the middle of
the night an armed band had raided the room, and wounded Kasim,
the man on guard. The curious part of it was that they had taken
only six thousand rupees and left the rest scattered on the
floor, though it would have been as easy to carry that away also.
Anyhow, the raid of the dacoits was over; now the police raid
would begin. Peace was out of the question.

When I went inside, I found the news had travelled before me.
"What a terrible thing, brother," exclaimed the Bara Rani.
"Whatever shall we do?"

I made light of the matter to reassure her. "We still have
something left," I said with a smile. "We shall manage to get
along somehow."

"Don't joke about it, brother dear. Why are they all so angry
with you? Can't you humour them? Why put everybody out?"

"I cannot let the country go to rack and ruin, even if that would
please everybody."

"That was a shocking thing they did at the burning-grounds. It's
a horrid shame to treat you so. The Chota Rani has got rid of
all her fears by dint of the Englishwoman's teaching, but as for
me, I had to send for the priest to avert the omen before I could
get any peace of mind. For my sake, dear, do get away to
Calcutta. I tremble to think what they may do, if you stay on
here."

My sister-in-law's genuine anxiety touched me deeply.

"And, brother," she went on, "did I not warn you, it was not well
to keep so much money in your room? They might get wind of it
any day. It is not the money--but who knows..."

To calm her I promised to remove the money to the treasury at
once, and then get it away to Calcutta with the first escort
going. We went together to my bedroom. The dressing-room door
was shut. When I knocked, Bimala called out: "I am dressing."

"I wonder at the Chota Rani," exclaimed my sister-in-law,
"dressing so early in the day! One of their __Bande Mataram__
meetings, I suppose. Robber Queen!" she called out in jest to
Bimala. "Are you counting your spoils inside?"

"I will attend to the money a little later," I said, as I came
away to my office room outside.

I found the Police Inspector waiting for me. "Any trace of the
dacoits?" I asked.

"I have my suspicions."

"On whom?"

"Kasim, the guard."

"Kasim? But was he not wounded?"

"A mere nothing. A flesh wound on the leg. Probably self-
inflicted."

"But I cannot bring myself to believe it. He is such a trusted
servant."

"You may have trusted him, but that does not prevent his being a
thief. Have I not seen men trusted for twenty years together,
suddenly developing..."

"Even if it were so, I could not send him to gaol. But why
should he have left the rest of the money lying about?"

"To put us off the scent. Whatever you may say, Maharaja, he
must be an old hand at the game. He mounts guard during his
watch, right enough, but I feel sure he has a finger in all the
dacoities going on in the neighbourhood."

With this the Inspector proceeded to recount the various methods
by which it was possible to be concerned in a dacoity twenty or
thirty miles away, and yet be back in time for duty.

"Have you brought Kasim here?" I asked.

"No," was the reply, "he is in the lock-up. The Magistrate is
due for the investigation."

"I want to see him," I said.

When I went to his cell he fell at my feet, weeping. "In God's
name," he said, "I swear I did not do this thing."

"I do not doubt you, Kasim," I assured him. "Fear nothing. They
can do nothing to you, if you are innocent."

Kasim, however, was unable to give a coherent account of the
incident. He was obviously exaggerating. Four or five hundred
men, big guns, numberless swords, figured in his narrative. It
must have been either his disturbed state of mind or a desire to
account for his easy defeat. He would have it that this was
Harish Kundu's doing; he was even sure he had heard the voice of
Ekram, the head retainer of the Kundus.

"Look here, Kasim," I had to warn him, "don't you be dragging
other people in with your stories. You are not called upon to
make out a case against Harish Kundu, or anybody else."

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Poruka #416

05. Mar 2006, 14:37:24

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XIV

On returning home I asked my master to come over. He shook his
head gravely. "I see no good in this," said he--"this setting
aside of conscience and putting the country in its place. All
the sins of the country will now break out, hideous and
unashamed."

"Who do you think could have ..."

"Don't ask me. But sin is rampant. Send them all away, right
away from here."

"I have given them one more day. They will be leaving the day
after tomorrow."

"And another thing. Take Bimala away to Calcutta. She is
getting too narrow a view of the outside world from here, she
cannot see men and things in their true proportions. Let her see
the world--men and their work--give her abroad vision."

"That is exactly what I was thinking."

"Well, don't make any delay about it. I tell you, Nikhil, man's
history has to be built by the united effort of all the races in
the world, and therefore this selling of conscience for political
reasons--this making a fetish of one's country, won't do. I know
that Europe does not at heart admit this, but there she has not
the right to pose as our teacher. Men who die for the truth
become immortal: and, if a whole people can die for the truth, it
will also achieve immortality in the history of humanity. Here,
in this land of India, amid the mocking laughter of Satan
piercing the sky, may the feeling for this truth become real!
What a terrible epidemic of sin has been brought into our country
from foreign lands..."

The whole day passed in the turmoil of investigation. I was
tired out when I retired for the night. I left over sending my
sister-in-law's money to the treasury till next morning.

I woke up from my sleep at dead of night. The room was dark. I
thought I heard a moaning somewhere. Somebody must have been
crying. Sounds of sobbing came heavy with tears like fitful
gusts of wind in the rainy night. It seemed to me that the cry
rose from the heart of my room itself. I was alone. For some
days Bimala had her bed in another room adjoining mine. I rose
up and when I went out I found her in the balcony lying prone
upon her face on the bare floor.

This is something that cannot be written in words. He only knows
it who sits in the bosom of the world and receives all its pangs
in His own heart. The sky is dumb, the stars are mute, the night
is still, and in the midst of it all that one sleepless cry!

We give these sufferings names, bad or good, according to the
classifications of the books, but this agony which is welling up
from a torn heart, pouring into the fathomless dark, has it any
name? When in that midnight, standing under the silent stars, I
looked upon that figure, my mind was struck with awe, and I said
to myself: "Who am Ito judge her?" O life, O death, O God of the
infinite existence, I bow my head in silence to the mystery which
is in you.

Once I thought I should turn back. But I could not. I sat down
on the ground near Bimala and placed my hand on her head. At the
first touch her whole body seemed to stiffen, but the next moment
the hardness gave way, and the tears burst out. I gently passed
my fingers over her forehead. Suddenly her hands groping for my
feet grasped them and drew them to herself, pressing them against
her breast with such force that I thought her heart would break.

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Poruka #417

05. Mar 2006, 14:38:17

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Bimala's Story

XVIII

Amulya is due to return from Calcutta this morning. I told the
servants to let me know as soon as he arrived, but could not keep
still. At last I went outside to await him in the sitting-room.

When I sent him off to sell the jewels I must have been thinking
only of myself. It never even crossed my mind that so young a
boy, trying to sell such valuable jewellery, would at once be
suspected. So helpless are we women, we needs must place on
others the burden of our danger. When we go to our death we drag
down those who are about us.

I had said with pride that I would save Amulya--as if she who was
drowning could save others. But instead of saving him, I have
sent him to his doom. My little brother, such a sister have I
been to you that Death must have smiled on that Brothers' Day
when I gave you my blessing--I, who wander distracted with the
burden of my own evil-doing.

I feel today that man is at times attacked with evil as with the
plague. Some germ finds its way in from somewhere, and then in
the space of one night Death stalks in. Why cannot the stricken
one be kept far away from the rest of the world? I, at least,
have realized how terrible is the contagion--like a fiery torch
which burns that it may set the world on fire.

It struck nine. I could not get rid of the idea that Amulya was
in trouble, that he had fallen into the clutches of the police.
There must be great excitement in the Police Office--whose are
the jewels?--where did he get them? And in the end I shall have
to furnish the answer, in public, before all the world.

What is that answer to be? Your day has come at last, Bara Rani,
you whom I have so long despised. You, in the shape of the
public, the world, will have your revenge. O God, save me this
time, and I will cast all my pride at my sister-in-law's feet.

I could bear it no longer. I went straight to the Bara Rani.
She was in the verandah, spicing her betel leaves, Thako at her
side. The sight of Thako made me shrink back for a moment, but I
overcame all hesitation, and making a low obeisance I took the
dust of my elder sister-in-law's feet.

"Bless my soul, Chota Rani," she exclaimed, "what has come upon
you? Why this sudden reverence?"

"It is my birthday, sister," said I. "I have caused you pain.
Give me your blessing today that I may never do so again. My
mind is so small." I repeated my obeisance and left her
hurriedly, but she called me back.

"You never before told me that this was your birthday, Chotie
darling! Be sure to come and have lunch with me this afternoon.
You positively must."

O God, let it really be my birthday today. Can I not be born
over again? Cleanse me, my God, and purify me and give me one
more trial!

I went again to the sitting-room to find Sandip there. A feeling
of disgust seemed to poison my very blood. The face of his,
which I saw in the morning light, had nothing of the magic
radiance of genius.

"Will you leave the room," I blurted out.

Sandip smiled. "Since Amulya is not here," he remarked, "I
should think my turn had come for a special talk."

My fate was coming back upon me. How was Ito take away the right
I myself had given. "I would be alone," I repeated.

"Queen," he said, "the presence of another person does not
prevent your being alone. Do not mistake me for one of the
crowd. I, Sandip, am always alone, even when surrounded by
thousands."

"Please come some other time. This morning I am ..."

"Waiting for Amulya?"

I turned to leave the room for sheer vexation, when Sandip drew
out from the folds of his cloak that jewel-casket of mine and
banged it down on the marble table. I was thoroughly startled.
"Has not Amulya gone, then?" I exclaimed.

"Gone where?"

"To Calcutta?"

"No," chuckled Sandip.

Ah, then my blessing had come true, in spite of all. He was
saved. Let God's punishment fall on me, the thief, if only
Amulya be safe.

The change in my countenance roused Sandip's scorn. "So pleased,
Queen!" sneered he. "Are these jewels so very precious? How
then did you bring yourself to offer them to the Goddess? Your
gift was actually made. Would you now take it back?"

Pride dies hard and raises its fangs to the last. It was clear
to me I must show Sandip I did not care a rap about these jewels.
"If they have excited your greed," I said, "you may have them."

"My greed today embraces the wealth of all Bengal," replied
Sandip. "Is there a greater force than greed? It is the steed
of the great ones of the earth, as is the elephant, Airauat, the
steed of Indra. So then these jewels are mine?"

As Sandip took up and replaced the casket under his cloak, Amulya
rushed in. There were dark rings under his eyes, his lips were
dry, his hair tumbled: the freshness of his youth seemed to have
withered in a single day. Pangs gripped my heart as I looked on
him.

"My box!" he cried, as he went straight up to Sandip without a
glance at me. "Have you taken that jewel-box from my trunk?"

"Your jewel-box?" mocked Sandip.

"It was my trunk!"
Sandip burst out into a laugh. "Your distinctions between mine
and yours are getting rather thin, Amulya," he cried. "You will
die a religious preacher yet, I see."

Amulya sank on a chair with his face in his hands. I went up to
him and placing my hand on his head asked him: "What is your
trouble, Amulya?"

He stood straight up as he replied: "I had set my heart, Sister
Rani, on returning your jewels to you with my own hand. Sandip
Babu knew this, but he forestalled me."

"What do I care for my jewels?" I said. "Let them go. No harm
is done.

"Go? Where?" asked the mystified boy.

"The jewels are mine," said Sandip. "Insignia bestowed on me by
my Queen!"

"No, no, no," broke out Amulya wildly. "Never, Sister Rani! I
brought them back for you. You shall not give them away to
anybody else."

"I accept your gift, my little brother," said I. "But let him,
who hankers after them, satisfy his greed."

Amulya glared at Sandip like a beast of prey, as he growled:
"Look here, Sandip Babu, you know that even hanging has no
terrors for me. If you dare take away that box of jewels ..."

With an attempt at a sarcastic laugh Sandip said: "You also ought
to know by this time, Amulya, that I am not the man to be afraid
of you."

"Queen Bee," he went on, turning to me, "I did not come here
today to take these jewels, I came to give them to you. You
would have done wrong to take my gift at Amulya's hands. In
order to prevent it, I had first to make them clearly mine. Now
these my jewels are my gift to you. Here they are! Patch up any
understanding with this boy you like. I must go. You have been
at your special talks all these days together, leaving me out of
them. If special happenings now come to pass, don't blame me.

"Amulya," he continued, "I have sent on your trunks and things to
your lodgings. Don't you be keeping any belongings of yours in
my room any longer." With this parting shot, Sandip flung out of
the room.

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Poruka #418

05. Mar 2006, 14:39:17

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XIX

"I have had no peace of mind, Amulya," I said to him, "ever since
I sent you off to sell my jewels."

"Why, Sister Rani?"

"I was afraid lest you should get into trouble with them, lest
they should suspect you for a thief. I would rather go without
that six thousand. You must now do another thing for me--go home
at once, home to your mother."

Amulya produced a small bundle and said: "But, sister, I have got
the six thousand."

"Where from?"

"I tried hard to get gold," he went on, without replying to my
question, "but could not. So I had to bring it in notes."

"Tell me truly, Amulya, swear by me, where did you get this
money?"

"That I will not tell you."

Everything seemed to grow dark before my eyes. "What terrible
thing have you done, Amulya?" I cried. "Is it then ..."

"I know you will say I got this money wrongly. Very well, I
admit it. But I have paid the full price for my wrong-doing. So
now the money is mine."

I no longer had any desire to learn more about it. My very
blood-vessels contracted, making my whole body shrink within
itself.

"Take it away, Amulya," I implored. "Put it back where you got
it from."

"That would be hard indeed!"

"It is not hard, brother dear. It was an evil moment when you
first came to me. Even Sandip has not been able to harm you as I
have done."

Sandip's name seemed to stab him.

"Sandip!" he cried. "It was you alone who made me come to know
that man for what he is. Do you know, sister, he has not spent a
pice out of those sovereigns he took from you? He shut himself
into his room, after he left you, and gloated over the gold,
pouring it out in a heap on the floor. 'This is not money,' he
exclaimed, 'but the petals of the divine lotus of power;
crystallized strains of music from the pipes that play in the
paradise of wealth! I cannot find it in my heart to change them,
for they seem longing to fulfil their destiny of adorning the
neck of Beauty. Amulya, my boy, don't you look at these with
your fleshly eye, they are Lakshmi's smile, the gracious radiance
of Indra's queen. No, no, I can't give them up to that boor of a
manager. I am sure, Amulya, he was telling us lies. The police
haven't traced the man who sank that boat. It's the manager who
wants to make something out of it. We must get those letters
back from him.'

"I asked him how we were to do this; he told me to use force or
threats. I offered to do so if he would return the gold. That,
he said, we could consider later. I will not trouble you,
sister, with all I did to frighten the man into giving up those
letters and burn them--it is a long story. That very night I
came to Sandip and said: 'We are now safe. Let me have the
sovereigns to return them tomorrow to my sister, the Maharani.'
But he cried, 'What infatuation is this of yours? Your precious
sister's skirt bids fair to hide the whole country from you. Say
__Bande Mataram__ and exorcize the evil spirit.'

"You know, Sister Rani, the power of Sandip's magic. The gold
remained with him. And I spent the whole dark night on the
bathing-steps of the lake muttering __Bande Mataram__.

"Then when you gave me your jewels to sell, I went again to
Sandip. I could see he was angry with me. But he tried not to
show it. 'If I still have them hoarded up in any box of mine you
may take them,' said he, as he flung me his keys. They were
nowhere to be seen. 'Tell me where they are,' I said. 'I will
do so,' he replied, 'when I find your infatuation has left you.
Not now.'

"When I found I could not move him, I had to employ other
methods. Then I tried to get the sovereigns from him in exchange
for my currency notes for six thousand rupees. 'You shall have
them,' he said, and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving me
waiting outside. There he broke open my trunk and came straight
to you with your casket through some other passage. He would not
let me bring it, and now he dares call it his gift. How can I
tell how much he has deprived me of? I shall never forgive him.

"But, oh sister, his power over me has been utterly broken. And
it is you who have broken it!"

"Brother dear," said I, "if that is so, then my life is
justified. But more remains to be done, Amulya. It is not
enough that the spell has been destroyed. Its stains must be
washed away. Don't delay any longer, go at once and put back the
money where you took it from. Can you not do it, dear?"

"With your blessing everything is possible, Sister Rani."

"Remember, it will not be your expiation alone, but mine also. I
am a woman; the outside world is closed to me, else I would have
gone myself. My hardest punishment is that I must put on you the
burden of my sin."

"Don't say that, sister. The path I was treading was not your
path. It attracted me because of its dangers and difficulties.
Now that your path calls me, let it be a thousand times more
difficult and dangerous, the dust of your feet will help me to
win through. Is it then your command that this money be
replaced?"

"Not my command, brother mine, but a command from above."

"Of that I know nothing. It is enough for me that this command
from above comes from your lips. And, sister, I thought I had an
invitation here. I must not lose that. You must give me your
__prasad__ [26] before I go. Then, if I can possibly manage
it, I will finish my duty in the evening."

Tears came to my eyes when I tried to smile as I said: "So be
it."

------

26. Food consecrated by the touch of a revered person.

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Poruka #419

05. Mar 2006, 14:40:19

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Chapter Eleven

Bimala's Story

XX

WITH Amulya's departure my heart sank within me. On what
perilous adventure had I sent this only son of his mother? O
God, why need my expiation have such pomp and circumstance?
Could I not be allowed to suffer alone without inviting all this
multitude to share my punishment? Oh, let not this innocent
child fall victim to Your wrath.

I called him back--"Amulya!"

My voice sounded so feebly, it failed to reach him.

I went up to the door and called again: "Amulya!"

He had gone.

"Who is there?"

"Rani Mother!"

"Go and tell Amulya Babu that I want him."

What exactly happened I could not make out--the man, perhaps, was
not familiar with Amulya's name--but he returned almost at once
followed by Sandip.

"The very moment you sent me away," he said as he came in, "I had
a presentiment that you would call me back. The attraction of
the same moon causes both ebb and flow. I was so sure of being
sent for, that I was actually waiting out in the passage. As
soon as I caught sight of your man, coming from your room, I
said: 'Yes, yes, I am coming, I am coming at once!'--before he
could utter a word. That up-country lout was surprised, I can
tell you! He stared at me, open-mouthed, as if he thought I knew
magic.

"All the fights in the world, Queen Bee," Sandip rambled on, "are
really fights between hypnotic forces. Spell cast against spell
--noiseless weapons which reach even invisible targets. At last I
have met in you my match. Your quiver is full, I know, you
artful warrior Queen! You are the only one in the world who has
been able to turn Sandip out and call Sandip back, at your sweet
will. Well, your quarry is at your feet. What will you do with
him now? Will you give him the coup de grâce, or keep him in
your cage? Let me warn you beforehand, Queen, you will find the
beast as difficult to kill outright as to keep in bondage.
Anyway, why lose time in trying your magic weapons?"

Sandip must have felt the shadow of approaching defeat, and this
made him try to gain time by chattering away without waiting for
a reply. I believe he knew that I had sent the messenger for
Amulya, whose name the man must have mentioned. In spite of that
he had deliberately played this trick. He was now trying to
avoid giving me any opening to tell him that it was Amulya I
wanted, not him. But his stratagem was futile, for I could see
his weakness through it. I must not yield up a pin's point of
the ground I had gained.

"Sandip Babu," I said, "I wonder how you can go on making these
endless speeches, without a stop. Do you get them up by heart,
beforehand?"

Sandip's face flushed instantly.

"I have heard," I continued, "that our professional reciters keep
a book full of all kinds of ready-made discourses, which can be
fitted into any subject. Have you also a book?"

Sandip ground out his reply through his teeth. "God has given
you women a plentiful supply of coquetry to start with, and on
the top of that you have the milliner and the jeweller to help
you; but do not think we men are so helpless ..."

"You had better go back and look up your book, Sandip Babu. You
are getting your words all wrong. That's just the trouble with
trying to repeat things by rote."

"You!" shouted Sandip, losing all control over himself. "You to
insult me thus! What is there left of you that I do not know to
the very bottom? What ..." He became speechless.

Sandip, the wielder of magic spells, is reduced to utter
powerlessness, whenever his spell refuses to work. From a king
he fell to the level of a boor. Oh, the joy of witnessing his
weakness! The harsher he became in his rudeness, the more did
this joy well up within me. His snaky coils, with which he used
to snare me, are exhausted--I am free. I am saved, saved. Be
rude to me, insult me, for that shows you in your truth; but
spare me your songs of praise, which were false.

My husband came in at this juncture. Sandip had not the
elasticity to recover himself in a moment, as he used to do
before. My husband looked at him for a while in surprise. Had
this happened some days ago I should have felt ashamed. But
today I was pleased--whatever my husband might think. I wanted
to have it out to the finish with my weakening adversary.

Finding us both silent and constrained, my husband hesitated a
little, and then took a chair. "Sandip," he said, "I have been
looking for you, and was told you were here."

"I am here," said Sandip with some emphasis. "Queen Bee sent for
me early this morning. And I, the humble worker of the hive,
left all else to attend her summons."

"I am going to Calcutta tomorrow. You will come with me.

"And why, pray? Do you take me for one of your retinue?"

"Oh, very well, take it that you are going to Calcutta, and that
I am your follower."

"I have no business there."

"All the more reason for going. You have too much business
here."

"I don't propose to stir."

"Then I propose to shift you."

"Forcibly?"

"Forcibly."

"Very well, then, I will make a move. But the world is not
divided between Calcutta and your estates. There are other
places on the map."

"From the way you have been going on, one would hardly have
thought that there was any other place in the world except my
estates."

Sandip stood up. "It does happen at times," he said, "that a
man's whole world is reduced to a single spot. I have realized
my universe in this sitting-room of yours, that is why I have
been a fixture here."

Then he turned to me. "None but you, Queen Bee," he said, "will
understand my words--perhaps not even you. I salute you. With
worship in my heart I leave you. My watchword has changed since
you have come across my vision. It is no longer __Bande
Mataram__ (Hail Mother), but Hail Beloved, Hail Enchantress.
The mother protects, the mistress leads to destruction--but sweet
is that destruction. You have made the anklet sounds of the
dance of death tinkle in my heart. You have changed for me, your
devotee, the picture I had of this Bengal of ours--'the soft
breeze-cooled land of pure water and sweet fruit.' [27] You have
no pity, my beloved. You have come to me with your poison cup
and I shall drain it, either to die in agony or live triumphing
over death.

"Yes," he continued. "The mother's day is past. O love, my
love, you have made as naught for me the truth and right and
heaven itself. All duties have become as shadows: all rules and
restraints have snapped their bonds. O love, my love, I could
set fire to all the world outside this land on which you have set
your dainty feet, and dance in mad revel over the ashes ...
These are mild men. These are good men. They would do good to
all--as if this all were a reality! No, no! There is no reality
in the world save this one real love of mine. I do you
reverence. My devotion to you has made me cruel; my worship of
you has lighted the raging flame of destruction within me. I am
not righteous. I have no beliefs, I only believe in her whom,
above all else in the world, I have been able to realize."

Wonderful! It was wonderful, indeed. Only a minute ago I had
despised this man with all my heart. But what I had thought to
be dead ashes now glowed with living fire. The fire in him is
true, that is beyond doubt. Oh why has God made man such a mixed
creature? Was it only to show his supernatural sleight of hand?
Only a few minutes ago I had thought that Sandip, whom I had once
taken to be a hero, was only the stage hero of melodrama. But
that is not so, not so. Even behind the trappings of the
theatre, a true hero may sometimes be lurking.

There is much in Sandip that is coarse, that is sensuous, that is
false, much that is overlaid with layer after layer of fleshly
covering. Yet--yet it is best to confess that there is a great
deal in the depths of him which we do not, cannot understand--
much in ourselves too. A wonderful thing is man. What great
mysterious purpose he is working out only the Terrible One [28]
knows--meanwhile we groan under the brunt of it. Shiva is the
Lord of Chaos. He is all Joy. He will destroy our bonds.

I cannot but feel, again and again, that there are two persons in
me. One recoils from Sandip in his terrible aspect of Chaos--the
other feels that very vision to be sweetly alluring. The sinking
ship drags down all who are swimming round it. Sandip is just
such a force of destruction. His immense attraction gets hold of
one before fear can come to the rescue, and then, in the
twinkling of an eye, one is drawn away, irresistibly, from all
light, all good, all freedom of the sky, all air that can be
breathed--from lifelong accumulations, from everyday cares--right
to the bottom of dissolution.

From some realm of calamity has Sandip come as its messenger; and
as he stalks the land, muttering unholy incantations, to him
flock all the boys and youths. The mother, seated in the lotus-
heart of the Country, is wailing her heart out; for they have
broken open her store-room, there to hold their drunken revelry.
Her vintage of the draught for the immortals they would pour out
on the dust; her time-honoured vessels they would smash to
pieces. True, I feel with her; but, at the same time, I cannot
help being infected with their excitement.

Truth itself has sent us this temptation to test our trustiness
in upholding its commandments. Intoxication masquerades in
heavenly garb, and dances before the pilgrims saying: "Fools you
are that pursue the fruitless path of renunciation. Its way is
long, its time passing slow. So the Wielder of the Thunderbolt
has sent me to you. Behold, I the beautiful, the passionate, I
will accept you--in my embrace you shall find fulfilment."

After a pause Sandip addressed me again: "Goddess, the time has
come for me to leave you. It is well. The work of your nearness
has been done. By lingering longer it would only become undone
again, little by little. All is lost, if in our greed we try to
cheapen that which is the greatest thing on earth. That which is
eternal within the moment only becomes shallow if spread out in
time. We were about to spoil our infinite moment, when it was
your uplifted thunderbolt which came to the rescue. You
intervened to save the purity of your own worship--and in so
doing you also saved your worshipper. In my leave-taking today
your worship stands out the biggest thing. Goddess, I, also, set
you free today. My earthen temple could hold you no longer--
every moment it was on the point of breaking apart. Today I
depart to worship your larger image in a larger temple. I can
gain you more truly only at a distance from yourself. Here I had
only your favour, there I shall be vouchsafed your boon."

My jewel-casket was lying on the table. I held it up aloft as I
said: "I charge you to convey these my jewels to the object of my
worship--to whom I have dedicated them through you."

My husband remained silent. Sandip left the room.

------

27. Quotation from the National song--__Bande Mataram__.

28. Rudra, the Terrible, a name of Shiva. [Trans.].

IP sačuvana

Ako je Supermen tako pametan zašto nosi donji veš preko odela??

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