Wynona's Big Brown Beaver


Wynona's got herself a big brown beaver
and she shows it off to all her friends.
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her,
So she caged him up with cyclone fence.
Along came Lou with the old baboon
And said "Recognize that smell?"
"Smells like seven layers,
That beaver eats Taco Bell."
Now Rex he was a Texan out of New Orleans
And he travelled with the carnival shows.
He ran bumper cars, sucked cheap cigars
And he candied up his nose.
He got wind of the big brown beaver
So he though he'd take himself a peek,
But the beaver was quick
And grabbed him by the kiwis.
Now he ain't pissed for a week.
(And a half!)
Now Wynona took her big brown beaver,
And she stuck him up in the air.
Said "I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair."
Now the beaver onces slept for seven days
And it gave us all an awful fright.
So I tickled his chin and I gave him a pinch
And the bastard tried to bite me.
Wynona loved her big brown beaver
And she stroked him all the time.
She pricked her finger one day and it
Occurred to her she might have a porcupine.

The Return of Sathington Willoughby



Fellow colleges, distinguished members of the press, ladies and gentlemen
I would like to take this opportunity to personally and humbly thank each and every one of you
For joining us at this particular event
It is my hope that we can utilize this meeting of the minds
To successfully convey the essence of our platform to you, a grand and noble audience

As I look out among the faces, I reflect
Taking console in the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said,
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself"
Paranoia is a disease unto itself, and may I add, the person standing next to you,
May not be who they appear to be, so take precaution.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, this is true
Many a young person has fallen prey, to the substances that alter the perspective Of any right thinking individual
The Problem with the youth today is, because of their inexperience with the world
They cannot attempt to grasp the ideals, set forth by myself and those who preceded me
But, as history has shown, they will come around, and embrace our philosophies And become model citizens in their own right, God
bless this great nation

Fisticuffs



They found James Ambrose dead in his cell
A gaping gash in his arm had drained him down to Hell
No one knew for sure if Ambrose was his name
They called him Yankee Sullivan in early days of fame
He'd known the game of fisticuffs had always treated him right
But no one knew the men who came and took his life that night

He'd spent some time in Botany Bay atoning for his sins
He fought a bout with Hammer Lane and took a tainted win
He was the hero of the Bowery, a prince of lawless times
Then was battered by the "Butcherman" in 1849
He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of might

But no one knew the men who came and took his life one night
He knew the game of fisticuffs
Lilly and McCoy were shy of a hundred and forty pounds
In 1842 they went a hundred and eighteen rounds
They begged McCoy to cash it in, he said that he would not
Got up and fought one more round then died right on the spot
He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of fight
But no one knew the game would come and take his life that night.

Golden Boy



He was a mighty golden boy, as gold as ever seen
But when he stepped up to the podium, you could tell that boy was mean
His arms was made of nickel, and his forehead made of wood
An affidavit from the principal says,"This boy just ain't no good"
He stood before the union, and he made a solemn oath
Uphold the purity of his creed, the others he would toast
He worked nights at the liquor mart, and he drank to pad his pay
When he caught him liftin¹ 40's, he shot a boy last May
His momma asked why?
His lawyer in the courtroom, made a noble plea
And the judge he gave him eighteen months, but he was out in three
When asked if he ever felt remorse while sittin' up in that pen
He said "Hell no, ya know a thief's a thief
And I'd shoot that fucker again".

Over the Falls



They broke out in laughter again
His lip beaded with sweat as they strapped him in
And he stood by and waited to be called
The talk was of times that¹d gone by
And the quantity and quality of women they lie
His eyes welled with wet and his mouth had gone dry

As he stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls

He got up and tried it again
For lack of persistence is surely a sin
As he stood by and waited to be called
He looked to the lightning with glee
And admired his vessel for it's symmetry
Feeling twelve units shy of a bachelor¹s degree

As he stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls.

Shake Hands with Beef



There's a time for lies
And a time for truth
I say, eye for an eye
Eye for a tooth

When I roamed young
I'd scavenge around
Every nook and cranny
Of our little town
It's nice, so nice, to be

Pull out the cannon boys
Steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls
SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF

She's so fine
She's so sweet
Mom and Pop they raised her
On huge slabs of meat

She's fine
A man of nine
Water derby day
Twenty six pumps
on a Crossman
And it's time to play

It's nice, so nice, to be

Pull out the cannon boys
Steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls
Shake hands with beef...

Camelback Cinema



He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4
With the sharpness of a troubadour
I dare you look him in the eye
His stench would make a buzzard cry

He likes Burt in White Lightning
Camelback Cinema

In the dark she sat and wait
For her steady random date
Reflecting back to a time
When eager boys would stand in line
She likes Burt in White Lightning
He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4
Lurking in the corridor
He came to buy his weekly whore
At Camelback Cinema.

Hats Off



When I was born, the doc he held me by my ankles
Smacked my red behind
They hosed me down, wrapped me like a bean burrito
Then marked the date and time

Hats off, to the ones that string the beads together
And keep the ducks in line
Hats off to all the ones that stood before me
And taught a fool to rhyme

At thirteen, I made myself a motion picture
Out of lumps of clay
At fourteen, I pulled some weeds and bought a four string
Taught myself to play
At seventeen, I'd get naked with a beauty queen
At the Hot Tub Zone
At nineteen, she was livin' hard and snortin' drugs
That decayed her bones

Hats off to the ones that put it all together
And keep their ducks in line
Hats off to all the ones that erred before me
And taught me how to survive.

Puddin' Taine



Pass the pen there Billy Bob, I'll write us up a song
Or perhaps I'll pen a sonnet, if the melody sits all wrong

Hand me down a crayon, and I'll draw a mighty oak
'Cause of all my brother Masons, I'm the quickest with a joke

Catch me in the right light, you'll see my shape¹s shaped to please
And if I shank my trousers down, I'm hung just above the knees

You may have difficulty catchin' breath, when you hear my weighty name
I'm the one that told you, told you so, they calls me Puddin' Taine

Now step on up to dance the dance, and touch the hand that heals
Like the tallest hog on Wall street, I'm a wheelin' all the deals

They'll carve my face in marble, they'll etch my name in stone
They'll paint my noble portrait, and historify my home

You may have difficulty catchin' breath, when you hear my weighty name
I'm the one that told you, told you so, they calls me Puddin' Taine .

Bob's Party Time Lounge



Glad you came, glad you're here
Have some champagne, imported beer
Dig down in your dirt bag
And roll us out a spleef
Been erect here now for thirteen days
And I came to get relief
At Bob's Party Time
Pack my nose with cocaine
Feed my filthy hole
Bust out the dancin' women
I'm prone to lose control
And if by chance I fall down
And bust my head on the floor
Just wrap my wound in a porterhouse steak
And point me towards the shore
At Bob's Party Time.