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Serbia

Motto: "I Srbi su ljudi. Možda."

Real motto: "Srbija do Tokija preko Milvokija."

Real motto 2:"Jebeš Ustaše!"

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Official language: Serbian (Ekavian version, not the gay Ijekavijan), Šatro (Troša), Nihongo, Nihon-to-Serubiago, Srpskonipponski, English, Engloserbian, Serboengleski.
Capital: Den Haag (de facto)
Government: Anarchy
Lunatic Nationalist Cadre
Anarchy
Democyratic Republic
Anarchy
Democracy
Demonarchy
Tribe leader: Papa Smurf
National Hero: Miša Tumbas
National Pastimes: Moonwalking Meat
Territorial aspirations: From Baltic to Adriatic Sea, including Tokyo, Milwaukee, Karlovac, Karlobag, Virovitica and Ogulin
Currency: inches
Religion: Orthodox Alcoholism Šabanism

Serbia is a huge sprawling nation compromising of large chunks of Southern and Eastern Europe within its historically recognized borders of Karlobag, Karlovac, Virovitica, Tokyo and Milwaukee. Roots of this divine nation reach back to many many millenniums BC when a Slavic-Klingon tribe settled in the area, and a construction of some Byzantium-style Orthodox churches on the holy Serbian soil of Kosovo(and Metohija too) marked the onset of civilization.

Though, it's still unclear how did the Serbs end up in the Balkans centuries before actual Slavic migration, and just why would they build churches in the Byzantine style more than 5 millennium before actual Christianity and Byzantium. It's probably an internal joke between the tribesmen which modern historians really don't get. Only historical documents mentioning Serbia in this period were written by members of tribe themselves.

Klingon Bird of Pray "Se Rba'nkh" from House Se Rba'n carrying first Klingon colonist to Earth

Glorious History
The Beginning

Earliest mention of the Serbs among ancient Greek historians is after the Battle of Phillipolis where army of Smurfs, 15 little man strong, took over Macedonia, ahem South Serbia. Papa Smurf ruled the country until he was called-up for trial in (the?) Haag (Hague).

Serbs' first contact with Roman Empire was in 31AD, when the invading Roman army was decimated by two sleeping toddlers. Chiefs of Serbian tribes, after a night of heavy drinking, decided that it would "be hot" to go invade Rome, which they promptly did. Multi-party constitutional democracy was instituted; much more liberal than the old Roman Republic, and Rome reached new Golden Age in a few short months. However, since they were defeated by a handful of drunken barbarians, Roman historians decided to ignore this period after the Serbs sobered up and went home to get breakfast, leaving emperor Tiberius free to restore old Imperial system.

Subsequent Serbian adventures mildly annoyed other people of that age in south Europe, and the mighty Hun force was immediately accepted as a saviour by those poor victims of Serb oppression and Serb lack of personal hygiene. Nowadays, this is widely regarded as a gross miscalculation.

Other Southern Slavs that began arriving in the 6th century were not impressed by their new neighbors, and often complained that they were too loud.
Wars with Ottoman Empire

Worst conflict for Serbian people was one with Ottomans at Battle of Kosovo, in 1389. There, a great Ottoman army was crushed by Serbs, after the battle lasting 17 minutes. Serbs, like said, kicked their butts, but by a lowbrow backstabbing plan plotted by (probably?) Vatican, Turks got into Serbia somehow and stayed there for long 500 years to come. None of the moden history's "books" (Serbians refuse to write due religious believes) don't tell anything about the Serbian magnificent victory, but who cares. Serbs celebrated as if they supremely won this battle.

Legend tells that lone Serbian knight, Duke Miloš Obilić, snuck into Turkish camp, and killed Sultan Murat. The knight was later SCUDed by the son of Murat, The great Sultan, Bajazit. Serbs then stopped celebrating.

Until this day a mystery surrounds this epic battle. It is unclear* how Duke Miloš Obilić managed to pass trough Turkish checkpoints and escape using a main battle tank. It is a legend that is passing from generation to generation of Serbs and still inspiring new warriors to continue this unfair battle. Some say Miloš was on the dark side, some say he was just another guy from local fitness club who joined war for fun.

Two bad guys moments prior killing Miloš for being gay, for his yellow toga and for refusing to wear leaves around his head.

Two bad guys moments prior killing Miloš for being gay, for his yellow toga and for refusing to wear leaves around his head.

Serbia Today

Overview

... is the name of a particularly boring agricultural show that goes once a week on Serbian national television, and also the term for what's going on today in Serbia.

Today, Serbia is rebuilding after 1999 attacks by cruel and merciless Americans, British, German, and all others who have helped them (and vice-versa) in the long years after World War 2. Serbia is no longer a communist country, it is now a democracy, which means more McDonald's restaurants per sq. kilometer (a fictional unit made to show off in front of British: we don't have feet, we have meters, we don't have yards, we mostly live in apartments...).

Serbia's newfound prosperity can be fully explained by almost-winning the Eurosong contest a few years ago. The country's main export are Serbian pop-folk songs, sang by busty Serbian divas who were possibly born as men (no one knows for sure). Nowadays, it's main economic exports are raspberry juice, war criminals and basketball players you can bring into the game a minute before the end if your team is leading by 30 points. If you want a look at Serbia, and possibly money, go to Belgrade, rent-a-plane, and enjoy your view. We have mountains with trees and grasslands, honest. Churches, too!

Current minister of Alcoholism, Šabanism and Grand Theft displays very core of Serbian culture.

All vegetarians and non-smokers have been permanently expelled from Serbia. Serbians not seen eating more than 500 kilo's of beef at any one time or those that do not have the necessary minimum of three packs of cigarettes on their person at all times will be executed on the spot by the culture police.

Under no circumstances should you allow a Serbian to die in your country. If that happens, expect that thousands of Serbs appear next day on your doorstep shouting: "THIS IS SERBIA! THIS IS SERBIA!" For some obscure reason Serbs believe that wherever there is a grave of one of them, they have the right to claim the land. Be very suspicious about Serbs traveling in pairs. It might very well be that they just wait for an opportune moment to kill one of them and claim your country. If you need to kill a Serb, it makes sense to take it outside.

Also, Serbs have similar believe regarding beer: "Wherever there is a Serbian beer - there are Serbian lands!". Therefore Serbs never had serious export of beer, no matter the traditional high quality.
Montenegro

People from Montenegro are known to be very lazy, slow and untalented (see No Name). In other words, these Monteniggers are Serbs who act and talk like Bosnians, and don't like to be called Serbs. If you call them "Hey, you Serb!" most likely the answer will be "Oca ti jebem!". The famous poet from Montenegro,Goga Sekulić, appear in Big Brother,and claim it's part of property on the camera,which is probably a Montenigger nationality, in the living room. More information about this scandal,you can read in SCANDAL, Serb-Monte-BiH-Cro encyclopedia.
Croats

Most people think that Serbs hate Croats. But that's not true, no! Serbs love Croats as Croats make-up funny cartoon character's names, like "Spužva Bob Kvadra Hlače" and "Zekoslav Mrkvić", and run Star Trek on their national television.
Etiquette

Proper attire: Young and attractive females should wear miniskirts as concealing your legs and breasts may be interpreted as a form of deceit and lack of character. Conversely, instead of shamelessly bearing your face around, it should be modestly covered with generous amounts of make-up. Men should properly tuck their sweaters into their jeans (don't ask why, it's just the way it is) and wear generous amounts of gold chains adorned with crosses to signify that your devotion to God is "worth your weight in gold."

"Polite" conversational topics: glorious history, kind Dutch peace keepers, Kosovo, epic heroic struggle, pre-2003 basketball, bitches, politics (yeah, f$%#ed up, I agree), medical procedures (among middle-aged women in crowded buses), homosexuality, gay rights, offensive gay-pride parades... Anyone of Croatian descent will go by the name of "Ustaša" or "You There!"

Baja mali Knindža (Tough Guy Little Ninja from Knin) on cover of his best selling album "Halt Turkish Pashas and Croatian Ustashas" so far. It is rumored that album was sold in more than 5 copies!

Sava Licimur in his moments of triumph over "Hoes and liers and fags and demons" of Kikinda.

"Impolite" conversational topics: work of any sort, Kosova, disbelief in astrology, post-2002 basketball.

Behaviour in the pub-lic: It is expected that you drink up your "špricer" (50:50 mixture of wine and bubbly water) or rakija bottoms up and then smash the glass against the pub's (kafana's) floor (patos). Especially if "cajka" (fat-legged, over-siliconed, scarcely clad female) is singing, in which case, you are also entitled to start a brawl. If you carry a knife, you are encouraged to use it. If you carry a gun, aim for the head (even yours, if your buddies are moving too fast).

If you see, or happen to run across a modern day Serbian, you will notice how incredibly good looking they are (except for the men - for more information, see Neanderthal).

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