The Tale of Sir Launcelot: Swamp Python


As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way
in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway.


Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.
The King and his son the Prince.

King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be
yours.
Son: What, the curtains?
King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out over the
'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom, lad.
Son: But, Mother...
King: Father, lad, Father.
Son: But, Father, I don't want any of that.
King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started
here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was *daft* to build a
castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It
sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That sank into the
swamp. So I built a *third* one. That burned down, fell over, *then*
sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what
you're gonna get, lad: the *strongest* castle in these islands.
Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather...
King: Rather what?
Son: I'd rather...just...sing!......
<music up>
King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here!
<music dies away>
Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl
whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England.
Son: But I don't want land!
King: Listen, Alice...
Son: 'Erbert...
King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!!
Son: But... but I don't *like* 'er!
King: don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful, she's...
*rich*, she's got... HUGE............. tracts o' land...
Son: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a
certain...*special*...something... <music up>
King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... <grabs the prince>
<music dies away>
You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
<slaps the prince>
GUARDS!!! <two guards come in>
Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
<starts to go>
Guard 1: <repeating> Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im.
Guard 2: *Hic*
King: Nono.... *Until* I come and get him.
Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King: <stops> Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he*
doesn't leave.
Guard 1: And you'll come and get him.
Guard 2: *Hic*
King: Right.
Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the
room.
King: Nono. *Leaving* the room.
Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes.
King: All right?
Guard 1: 'Right.
King: Right. <goes out the door>
Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we......
King: <coming back in> Yes, what is it?
Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh.... (forgetting)
King: Look, it's quite simple.
Guard 1: Uh.....
King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
All right?
Guard 2: *hic*
Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us?
King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure...
Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had*
to leave, and we *were* with him...
King: nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE
Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else...
King: No, not anyone else, just me...
Guard 1: ...Just you...
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Get back.
Guard 1: Get back.
King: All right?
Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Guard 2: *hic*
King: <pause> And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave.
Guard 1: What?
King: <pause> Make sure 'e doesn't leave!
Guard 1: The prince??????
King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE...
Guard 2: *hic*
Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! <motions towards
the second guard> You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard
him when 'e's a guard...
King: <pause> Is that clear?
Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems!
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Right. <starts to leave. The guards follow him>
Where are *you* going?
Guard 1: We're coming with you!
King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE!
Guard 1: Oh, I see, right!
Son: <plaintively> but father...
King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on. <leaves>

<music up>
<king re-enters>
AND NO SINGING!
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves)

The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile
back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back.
He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the
guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall.
He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back.
He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back.
He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow.
He smiles at the guards. They smile back.

Guard 2: *Hic*

Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's
hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, followed by Concorde, who is
banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. They are
crossing a stream by jumping between the boulders that lie in it.

Launcelot: <they jump from one rock to the next> Well taken, Concorde!
Concorde: Thank you, sir! Most kind!
Launcelot: And again..... oooover we go. <jumps to another rock>
<Concorde makes the jump behind him>
Launcelot: Good.... Steady.....
And now, the big one... <jumps> Come on, Concorde!
<an arrow whizzes through the air and embeds itself in Concorde>
Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir. (he falls)
Launcelot: Concorde!! Concorde, speak to me!
(spies the arrow and unwraps the message)
<reads> "To whoever finds this note. I have been...*imprisoned* by
my father who wishes me to marry against my will, please please
please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of...Swamp
Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the
sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you
shall not have died in vain!
<starts to draw sword>

Concorde: Uh... I--I'm not quite dead, sir!
Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been *mortally wounded*
in vain! <draws sword>
Concorde: I--I think I--I could pull through, sir.
Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Oh, I see.
Concorde: Actually, I think I'm allright to come with you, sir--
Launcelot: No no, sweet Concorde, stay here. I will send help as soon as I've
accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular...
<pauses, trying to think of word. Gives up...>
Concorde: Idiom, sir?
Launcelot: Idiom!
Concorde: No, I feel fine, actually--
Launcelot: Farewell, sweet Concorde!!
<runs off, leaving Concorde looking after him perplexedly>
Concorde: (pause) I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? ... Yeah.
(drums fingers)

Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very
bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them
waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at
Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he
he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his
forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot
still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each
other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs one of
them through. He dies, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs in.

Other guard: (ineffectually) Hey...

Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing,
and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his
way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests.
He reached the Tower and throws open the door.

Guard 1: Hello! Now, you're not allowed to enter the roo-- Urgh.
<dies, run though>
Guard 2: *Hic* <also run through>
Launcelot: <kneeling before the white-garbed figure in the room> O fair one,
behold your humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take--
<sees it's a man, gets up immediately> Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Prince: <claps hands delightedly> You got my note!
Launcelot: Ah, well, I--I got, uh, *a* note....
Prince: You've come to rescue me!!
Launcelot: Ah, well, no, you see, um--
Prince: I *knew* some one would!
I knew that somewhere out there, there must be, *someone*--<music up>
King: <barging in, quite upset> Stop that, Stop that, STOP IT! STOP IT!!
<music out> (to Launcelot) 'Oo are you?
Prince: (hurt) I'm your son!
King: (to son) No, not *you*!!!
Launcelot: Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince: (proudly) 'E's come to rescue me, Father!
Launcelot: Well let's not jump to conclusions--
King: (to Launcelot) Did you kill all those guards?!
Launcelot: (trying to remember) Uhhh...
(suddenly) Oh yes! (highly embarrassed) Sorry....
King: They cost fifty pounds each!
Launcelot: Well I'm awfully sorry... Um, I really *can* explain everything--
Prince: Don't be afraid, Sir Launcelot! I've got a rope all ready! (displays
rope made of shredded bedsheets and ties one end to bedpost)
King: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
Launcelot: Well you see the thing is, I thought your son was a *lady*....
King: I can understand that!
Prince: (climbing out window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
King: SHUT UP!! (to Launcelot) You only killed the bride's father, that's
all!!!
Launcelot: Well, I really didn't *mean* to....
King: Didn't MEAN to?!? You put your *sword* right through 'is 'ead!!!
Launcelot: Oh, dear! Is he all right?
King: You even kicked the bride in chest! This is going to cost me a
fortune....
Launcelot: Well I can explain; I was in the forest, um, riding north from
Camelot when I got this note, you see--
King: (abruptly) Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
Son: (outside window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
Launcelot: Uh...I am a knight of King Arthur, Sir.
King: Very nice Castle, Camelot, uh...very good pig country!
(pause)
Launcelot: Is it?
Prince: Hurry, I'm *ready*!!!
King: Would you, uh, like to come 'n' have a drink?
<goes to window, draws dagger>
Launcelot: Well, that--that's awfully nice of you--
Prince: (from outside) I am ready!!
Launcelot: --I mean, to be so understanding, um--
<The King cuts the blanket-rope, which slithers out the window>
Prince: Ooh!
Launcelot: --I'm afraid when I am in this sort of idiom, I sometimes get a bit
, um, sort of carried away....
King: Oh, don't worry about that--
<they leave the room>
Prince: (splat)

Sir Launcelot and the king are going down the stairs.
King: Now, this is the main hall. (gesturing) We're going to have all this
knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living--

One of the remaining guests looks up and, upon recognizing Launcelot as the one
who caused all the damage, shouts, "There he is!"

King: Oh, bloody 'ell.

Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again, accompanied by the
appropriate fighting music and action.

Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking
the bride again, and the King brings things back to order.
King: Stop! Stop! Hold it, hold it, please!
Launcelot: (very embarrassed) Sorry. Sorry! You see what I mean, I just get
carried away, I'm really most awfully sorry.
(to all) Sorry! Sorry, everyone....
Guest: 'E's killed the best man!
King: Ladies and gentlemen. This is Sir Launcelot, a very brave and
influential knight, and my special guest here today.
Guest: He killed my auntie!
King: Please! This is supposed to be a...*happy* occasion! Let's not
*bicker* and *argue* about 'oo killed 'oo! We are here today to witness
the union of two young people in the joyful bond of a holy wedlock.
(groans)
Unfortunately, one of them, my son 'Erbert has just fallen to 'is death.
(gasps) But, I like to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a
daughter. (weak applause)
For, since the tragic death of her father...
Voice: He's not quite dead....
King: (thrown) Since the near-fatal *wounding* of 'er father....
Voice: 'E's getting better!
King: <whispers to a guard, who circles towards the back of the room, where the
father lies> For, since her own father, who, when 'e seemed about to
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him...
(thump)
Voice: He's died!!
King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own Dad, in a very real,
and legally binding sense. (more weak applause)
And I feel sure that the merger--er, the *union*,--between the princess
and the brave but *dangerous* Sir Launcelot of Camelot--
Launcelot: <taken aback> What?
Someone: Look! The Dead Prince! (general reaction)
Concorde: <entering with the Prince in his arms> He's not *quite* dead!
Prince: No, I feel much better!
King: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!!!
Prince: No, I was saved at the last minute.
King: 'Ow?
Prince: Well, I'll tell you:
<music starts>
King: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! STOP!<but it is too late>
Guests: He's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell!

He's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell!

Concorde: <suddenly appearing out of the crowd> Quickly, sir, come this way!
Launcelot: No, no! It doesn't fit my idiom! I must escape more........
(sigh)
Concorde: Dramatically, sir?
Launcelot: Dramatically! <grabs bell pull>
Runs up stairs. Jumps in the air. Swings down towards the window.
Falls about twelve feet short, having not given himself a very good
start. Swings back and forth for a short time.>
'Scuse me, could, uh, could someone give me a push, please?

The Song of the Knights of Camelot

Launcelot: Look, my liege!

(fanfare)

Launcelot: Camelot!
Robin: Camelot!
Galahad: Camelot!
Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model.
Galahad: Shh!

Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to
CAMELOT!

song:

We're knights of the round table, we dance whene're we're able.
We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable;
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot.

We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able
We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot!

Though we're tough and able,
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,
Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable,
It's a busy life in Camelot:

I have to push the pram-a-lot!

Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Others: Right, right....

The "Bring out your dead" scene


A cart passes through the muddy road through a village.
A baby cries. People wrestle in the mud. A woman beats a cat.

The cart-master chants wearily as they trudge along:

Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead! etc. while beating occasionally on a large
triangle with a wooden spoon.

As each person comes forward with his or her dead relative, they throw them on
the cart. He holds out his hand and they pay.

Bring out your dead!

A man comes out with a dead-looking old man in a nightshirst slung over his
shoulder. He starts to put the old man on the cart.

Man: Here's one-
Cart-master: Ninepence.
Old Man: (feebly) I'm not dead!
Cart-master: (suprised) What?
Man: Nothing! Here's your ninepence....
Old Man: I'm not dead!
Cart-master: 'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead!
Man: Yes he is.
Old Man: I'm not!
Cart-master: 'E isn't?
Man: Well... he will be soon-- he's very ill...
Old Man: I'm getting better!
Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Cart-master: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulations!
Old Man: I don't want to go on the cart....
Man: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Cart-master: I can't take 'im....
Old Man: I feel fine!
Man: Well, do us a favor...
Cart-master: I can't!
Man: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long...
Cart-master: No, gotta get to Robinson's, they lost nine today.
Man: Well, when's your next round?
Cart-master: Thursday.
Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk....
Man: You're not fooling anyone, you know--
(to Cart-master) Look, isn't there something you can do...?

(they both look around)

Old Man: I feel happy! I feel happy!

(the Cart-master deals the old man a swift blow to the head with his wooden
spoon. The old man goes limp.)

Man: (throwing the old man onto the cart) Ah. thanks very much.
Cart-master: Not at all. See you on Thursday!
Man: Right! All right....

King Arthur and his trusty servant, Patsy, "ride" through the town and past
the men.

Man: 'Oo's that then?
Cart-master: I don't know. Must be a king.
Man: Why
Cart-master: 'E 'asn't got shit all over 'im.

The French Castle scene

King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants,
"ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn.

Arthur: HELLO!

(waits)

Bedevere: HELLO!

(waits)

An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart.
It speaks in an outrageous French accent.

Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?
Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.
Whose castle is this?
S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.
A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us
in our quest for the Holy Grail.
S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got
one, you see?
A: What?
Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!
A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.
(to the other soldiers:) I told 'em we've already *got* one!
(they snicker)
A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?
S: Of course not! You are English types.
A: Well, what are you then?
S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous
accent, you silly king?!
A: What are you doing in *England*?
S: Mind your own business!
A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a
silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and
all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!

(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)

Lancelot: What a strange person.
A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and
your father smelt of elderberries!
Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Note: the Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python |
|and the Holy Grail cuts here, returning to transcript in transcript #8A, |
|STORY PYTHON. The rest of this transcript does not appear on the Album. |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
(pause)

A: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....
S: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart)
Fetchez la vache.
Other Soldier: qua?
S: Fetchez la vache!

(the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises)

A: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--

(Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...
A: Jesus Christ!
(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various crying-outs
from Arthur's party.)

A: (determined) Right!
(drawing sword) CHARGE!
Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE!

(As they run towards the French Castle, swords drawn, they are met by a huge
onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the
ramparts of the castle. Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching
the castle walls, save Launcelot, who reaches the stone wall in time to give
it one stroke with his sword before retreating.)

French Soldier: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your mother!
(and a duck) And this one's for your gran!

Arthur's party: (hastily retreating) Run away!
RUN AWAAAAY!

Launcelot: (as they hunker down behind a grassy knoll out of flying-animal's
reach of the castle) Fiends, I'll tear them apart!
Arthur: No no, no!!
Bedevere: (to Arthur) Sir... I have a plan, sir.

There follows a long scene where the french soldier, stationed atop the
rampart, surveys the surrounding countryside and sees nothing, but hears
various sounds of construction (hammering, the felling of trees, chain saws
being operated) from the woods. Eventually, amid a great squeaking of wooden
wheels, a giant wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the forest by Arthur's group.
They wheel it right up to the front gates of the French Castle and leave it
there, returning to their concealed spot behind the knoll to watch.

A minute later, the castle gate opens and a french soldier peeks out.
His head disappears and he can be heard speaking with the others.

Soldier: C'est la Paune, le patabua! (corrections anyone?)
2nd Soldier: Qua?

Three soliders' heads appear around the end of the door and disappear again.

Soldier: Un Cadeau!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: A present!
2nd Soldier: Ah, un Cadeau!
Soldier: Allons-y, allons-y!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: Let's go!
2nd Soldier: Ah!

The three French Soldiers creep out and wheel the rabbit into the castle,
closing the gate behind them.

behind the knoll:
Arthur: (to Bedevere) What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad and I, uh, wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by suprise.
Not only by suprise, but totally alarmed!
Arthur: *Who* leaps out?
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names him) Uh... Launcelot, Galahad,
and I.... uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and, uh....
Launcelot: (groans)
Bedevere: (pause) Oh... um, look, if we built this large wooden Badger....
Arthur knocks him on the head.

Just then, the rabbit comes soaring over the castle wall. The party disbands
amid great shouts of "Run away, run away!", but the rabbit lands on yet
another helpless footman. Cries of distress.


*** Snap! "Picture for schools, take eight." ***

An old historian is standing in the woods, offering commentary on the story.

Director: (off camera) Action!

Historian: (to camera) Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him
completely by suprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new
strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be
brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his
closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for
the Grail individually. Now this is what they did....

A knight in full armor rides past on horseback, cutting off the Historian's
head in the process.

Historian's Wife: (running out from behind the camera): Brian

A Blessing from the Lord

Bedevere: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's
bladders can be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Bedevere: Oh, certainly, Sir. You see,...

(Thunder)
(the clouds open and a giant animated face is seen. It speaks:)

God: Aaaarthur... Aarthur, King of the Britons...

(the knights fall to their knees)

God: Oh don't grovel!
Arthur: Sorry, Lord...
God: And DON'T apologize!! Every time I try to talk to somebody, its "I'm
sorry" this and "forgive me" that and "I'm not *worthy*"... It's like
those miserable Psalms--they're soooo depressing!
Arthur: Yes, Lord.
God: What're you doing now?
Arthur: Averting my eyes, o Lord.
God: Well KNOCK IT OFF!
Arthur: Yes, Lord.
God: Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, I have decided to set you a task as
an example in these dark times.
Arthur: Good idear, o Lord!
God: (thunder) 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Now: this is the Holy Grail.
(giant picture of a golden, jewel-encrusted grail appears in the sky)
(heavenly music)
Look well, Arthur: It is your mission to seek this Grail. That is your
purpose, Arthur: The Quest for the Holy Grail!

(the clouds slam shut.)

Arthur: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
Lancelot: God be praised!

The Holy Hand-Grenade Scene: Grenade Python

The knights rush into a cave, huffing and puffing, to take cover from the
vicious onslaught of the Killer Rabbit.

Arthur: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!
Bedevere: Okay, how many did we lose?
Arthur: Well...Gawain...Ector...and Bors. That's five.
Bedevere: Three, Sire!
Arthur: Three. And we can't risk another try, that rabbit's dynamite!
All: Hmmmm..
Robin: Maybe if we attack it, it will get confused, and make a mistake!

(pause)

Arthur: Like what?
(longer pause)
Robin: Ummmm....
Lancelot: Have we got bows?
Arthur: (quickly) No.
Galahad: (brightly) We *have* the Holy Hand Grenade, Sir!
Arthur: Of course! 'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard
carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: (Chant)
Die Jesu domine,
Dona eis requiem.
Die Jesu domine,
Dona eis requiem.

(Pause. Arthur examines the hand grenade, turning it over in his hands.)
Arthur: How does it....How does it work?
High Priest: I know not, my leige.
Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments!
High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Brother Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
smash our enemies to tiny bits."
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the
lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
lima bean-
High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
Brother Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying:
"First, shalt thou take out the holy pin.
Then shalt thou count to three.
No more, no less.
*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number
of the counting shall be three.
*Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two,
excepting that thou then goest on to three.
Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third
number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade
to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff
it. Amen.
All: Amen.
Arthur: Right! (pulls pin)
One!
Two!
Five!
Bedevere: Three, Sire!!
Arthur: Three! (throws hand grenade at the Killer Rabbit)

(holy music)

KABOOM.

The Black Knight scene

Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" along through the woods.
Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a
heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in green and one in black.
Arthur stops and watches the fight.

The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many
different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is
charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword
straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls
to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls
his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight's
fighting, motions to Patsy and they "ride" forward.

Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
(The black knight does not respond)
Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons.
(no response)
Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my
court at Camelot.
(no response)
Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
(no response)
Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!

As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks:

Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: (taken aback) What?
Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross
this bridge.
Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside.
Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN.
Arthur: So be it! (draws sword)

A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily
dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur
dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight's left arm off with
his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open shoulder.

Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't!
Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground)
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You LIAR!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts
off the black knight's right arm, causing it and the black knight's sword to
drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.

Arthur: Victory is mine!
(kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy--

He is kicked onto his side by the black knight.

Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again)
Arthur: (on the ground) What?!?
Black Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you!
Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight
is mine!
Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have!
Arthur: LOOK!!!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again)
Arthur: Look, STOP that!
Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg!
(The Black Knight continues his kicking)
Arthur: RIGHT! (He chops off the black knight's leg with his sword)
Black Knight: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that!
Arthur: You'll *WHAT*?
Black Knight: Come 'ere!
Arthur: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!!
Arthur: You're a looney....
Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!!
(hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining
leg)

Arthur shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Black
Knight's last appendage. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about,
realizing he can't move.

Arthur: Okay, we'll call it a draw.
Come, Pasty! (they "ride" away)

Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take
what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and
take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

The Knights Who Say "Ni!"

(After scene 24, which has not been transcribed due to its lack of funny bits,
Arthur and Bedevere find themselves in the middle of a forest. Suddenly,
they are surrounded by 8-foot-tall knights with horns on their helmets: the
infamous Knights of Ni.)

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter
who lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" again to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!
(minor music)
Arthur: A *WHAT*?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.
Arthur: Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(a brief glimpse of the now-dead historian, with his wife talking to two
policemen and pointing the way that the knight went)

(screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, interrupted by the animation sketch
"Bloody Weather")

(screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, this time followed by the Tale of Sir
Launcelot ( see SWAMP PYTHON, transcript #12 from the film ))

Scene: Arthur and Bedevere, in a nearby village, where an old crone is beating
a cat. They stop and talk to her.

Arthur: Old Crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a
*shrubbery*?
(minor music)

Old Crone: Who sent you?
Arthur: The Knights Who Say "Ni!".
Old Crone: Aaaugh! No. Never, we have no shrubberies here.
Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and
I... will say... we will say... "Ni!".
Old Crone: Aaaugh! Do your worst!
Arthur: VERY WELL! If you will not assist us voluntarily.....
(he and Bedevere look around to see if anyone is looking)
Ni!
Old Crone: (in pain) No! Never! No shrubbery!!
Arthur: Ni!
Bedevere: Noo! Noo--
Arthur: (to Bedevere) No no no no, no, it's not that, it's "Ni!"
Bedevere: Nu!
Arthur: No no, "Ni!"; you're not doing it properly.
Bedevere: Nuh!
Arthur: "Ni!"
Bedevere: Ni!
Arthur: "Ni!" That's it, that's it, you've got it.
Bedevere: Ni!
Arthur and Bedevere, repeatedly: Ni! Ni!
(the old crone writhes in pain)

Roger rides up on a *real* horse and looks down at Arthur and Bedevere.

Rober: Are you saying "Ni!" to that old woman?
Arthur (caught in the act) Ummmm.... yes.
Rober: Oh, what sad times are there when passing ruffians can say "Ni!" at will
to old ladies! There is a pestilence in this land! Nothing is sacred!
Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable
economic stress at this period in history!
Arthur: Did you say "shrubberies"?
Roger: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the
Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
Bedevere: (to Roger) Ni!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) No! No no no, no!

(scene change: Arthur and Bedevere standing in front of a low shrubbery,
surrounded by a 1-foot-high picket fence. The Knights of Ni are examining the
shrubbery.)

Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem.
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!
Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang,
zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm".
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!
(minor music)
Arthur: Not *another* shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!
(minor music)

Arthur: We shall do no such thing!
Knight of Ni: Oh, please!
Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!
Knights of Ni: AAugh! AAAAAH! Oww!! (writhe in pain)
Knight of Ni: Don't say that word!
Arthur: What word?
Knight of Ni: I cannot tell; suffice to say, it is one of the words the
Knights of Ni cannot hear!
Arthur: How we *not* say the word if you don't tell us what it is?!
(Knights of Ni are in pain again)
Knight of Ni: Ahhhh! 'E said it again!
Arthur: What, "is"?
Knight of Ni: No, not "is"! You wouldn't get very far in life not saying
"is"!
Bedevere: My liege! It's Sir Robin!

Sir Robin and his minstrels "ride" up.

Minstrels (singing): He's sacking it in, and packing it up,
and sneaking away, and buggering up,
And chickening out, and pissing a pole...
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: My liege! It's good to see you!
Knight of Ni: Now *'e* said the word!
Arthur: Surely you've not given up the quest for the Holy Grail!
Minstrels, by way of answering:
He's sneaking away, and buggering up,
Robin: Shut Up!
No no, no, far from it!
Knight of Ni: 'E said the word again!
Robin: ...I was...looking for it...
Knights of Ni: AAAAAAAuugh!
Robin: uh, here--here in this...forest.
Arthur: No, it is far from this place.
Knight of Ni: Aaaaaaugh! Stop saying the word!!!!
Arthur: (getting really annoyed with the Knights of Ni) OH, STOP IT!!
Knight of Ni: Ow! He said it again!
Arthur: Patsy! (motions all of his party to move on)
Knight of Ni: Wait! I said it! I said it!
Oh! I've said it again!
And there again...that's three hits!
Arthur, Bedevere, and Sir Robin ride off with the minstrels and Patsy.

Voice over, with animation:

And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the
enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.

Beyond the forest they met Launcelot, and Galahad, and there was much
rejoicing.

In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels...
and there was much rejoicing.

A year passed.

Winter changed into spring;
Spring changed into summer;
Summer changed back into winter;
And winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn.

Until one day.

The Peasant scene

Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" into a field where peasants are
working. They come up behind a cart which is being dragged by a hunched-over
peasant in ragged clothing. Patsy slows as they near the cart.

Arthur: Old Woman!

The peasant turns around, revealing that he is in fact a man.

Man: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry.... What night lives in that castle over there?
Man: I'm thirty-seven!
Arthur: (suprised) What?
Man: I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old--
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man"...
Man: Well you could say "Dennis"--
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis!
Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?!
Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind, you looked--
Man: Well I object to your...you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well I *am* king...
Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And 'ow'd you get that, eh?
(he reaches his destination and stops, dropping the cart)
By exploiting the workers! By 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
If there's ever going to be any progress,--
Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere!
(noticing Arthur) Oh! 'Ow'd'ja do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose
castle is that?
Woman: King of the 'oo?
Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: 'Oo are the Britons?
Arthur: Well we all are! We are all Britons! And I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we 'ad a king! I thought we were autonomous collective.
Man: (mad) You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woman: There you go, bringing class into it again...
Man: That's what it's all about! If only people would--
Arthur: Please, *please*, good people, I am in haste! WHO lives in that
castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord!
Arthur: (spurised) What??
Man: I *told* you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We're taking
turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week--
Arthur: (uninterested) Yes...
Man: But all the decisions *of* that officer 'ave to be ratified at a
special bi-weekly meeting--
Arthur: (perturbed) Yes I see!
Man: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
Arthur: (mad) Be quiet!
Man: But by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Arthur: (very angry) BE QUIET! I *order* you to be quiet!
Woman: "Order", eh, 'oo does 'e think 'e is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Woman: Well 'ow'd you become king then?
(holy music up)
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake-- her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by
divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why
I am your king!
Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some... farcical
aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET!
Man: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some
watery tart threw a sword at you!!
Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut *UP*!
Man: I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor, just because some
moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!
Man: Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Man: (yelling to all the other workers) Come and see the violence inherent
in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!
Arthur: (letting go and walking away) Bloody PEASANT!
Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did'j'hear that, did'j'hear that, eh? That's
what I'm all about! Did you see 'im repressing me? You saw it,
didn't you?!

Brave and Bold Sir Robin


So, each of the knights went their separate ways.
Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his
favorite minstrels.


Minstrel: song:

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his peni--

Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks
like there's dirty work afoot.

As mysterious music comes up, Robin and his minstrels pass Dennis, from the
PEASANT sketch, and his wife.

Dennis: Anarcho-syndicism is a way of *preserving* freedom!
His Wife: Oh, Dennis, *forget* about freedom! We 'aven't got enough mud!

They also pass three signs that read:
_________________ _______________________
(____ CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 ______)
( CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 )
( CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 )
(____________) (_________________)

A little further on, he passes on the far side of a tree, on which, on the
near side, three knights are impaled on a single lance.

Suddenly, just as Sir Robin is at his most nervous:
-------- at this point, the movie and album go their separate ways: -----------

--------------------------------in the movie-----------------------------------
Three headed knight: HALT!!! WHO ART THOU???
Minstrel: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin,
Who--
Robin: Shut up!!! (to the knight) Um, n-n-nobody, really, I-I-I-
J-Just, um, j-just passing through.
Three headed knight: WHAT DO YOU WANT???
Minstrel: To fight, and--
Robin: SHUT UP!!! Um, ooh, n-nothing, nothing, really, I-I-I,
j-just, just to, um, just to... p-p-pass through, good
sir knight?
Three headed knight: I'M AFRAID NOT!!!
Robin: Ah. (pause) Well, actually, I...I am a knight of the
round table....
Three-headed knight: You're a knight of the Round Table???
Robin: I am.

Three-headed knight:
Left: In that case I shall have to kill you.
Middle: Shall I?
Right: Oh, I don't think so.
Middle: Well what do I think?
Left: I think, kill it!
Right: Oh, Let's be nice to him.
Left: Oh, shut up!
Middle: Perhaps...
Left: And you! Quick, get the sword out, I want to cut 'is head off!
Right: Oh, cut your own head off.
Middle: Yes, do us all a favor!
Left: What?!!
Right: Yappin' on, all the time...
Middle: You're lucky; you're not next to him!
Left: What d'you mean??
Middle: You SNORE!
Left: Ooh, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath!
Middle: Well it's only 'cause you don't brush my teeth!
Right: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea!
Left: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first, and then have
tea and biscuits.
Middle: Yes.
Right: Oh, Not biscuits.
Left: All right, all right, not biscuits, but let's KILL HIM ANYWAY.
All: RIGHT.
(pause: the three look around. No one is there.)

---------------------------------on the album----------------------------------
Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest
creature for *yards* around!
For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the
onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was
his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his
tactics!
---------------------record and film in agreement again------------------------

Left: 'E's backed off!
Right: So 'e has, 'e's scarfed!


Minstrel: Robin:

Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didn't!
When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't!
And gallantly chickened out..

Bravely taking to his feet I never did!
He beat a very brave retreat All lies!
Brave as ??-??, brave Sir Robin! I never!

Voice over from the album: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more
than a swallow's flight away, had discovered
something.