A SOMEWHAT NEW MEDIUM


eehh...Good morning...I mean good evening
Ladies & Gentlemen, I wanna tell you about
an experience I had this morning at San Francisco:

You know, I'm staying at the hotel downtown and eh
I had two hours, two hours, 'til I was rendez-vouing
with my, eh
my beautiful girlfriend's beautiful girlfriend
So I took a little walk outside the hotel, I walked up
a street
With a name that's pretty familar to a lot of people,
but not to me
But it had an old name and there was a marquee
It kinda looked like a movie marquee
Or maybe the the type of thing posted outside of a
motel
or maybe even casino

But it wasn't any of those things
It was some kind of sign that belonged to an old gas
station tire shop
And it was closed 'cause it was a Sunday
And it said: "Americans are slow to hostility" -
Winston Churchill
And I thought ISN'T THAT something
A big marquee with the Winston Churchill quote in the
middle of San Francisco

And then I went to Walgreens to find my TOM'S OF MAINE
ginger-mint
FLUORIDE-FULL toothpaste, but all they had was
FLUORIDE-FREE
And there was a women, at the counter, with a parrot,
on her shoulder
And she said: "Yeah yeah, my parrot is 44 years old..."
And the people behind the counter at Walgreen's
and next to the register, chatted her up and they said:
"Ohh, we really like the way the red feathers are so
deeply red!"
And I was like "Man, 44. NOW that's old for a parrot!
Kinda old for a person!"
And the lady said, "Yeah, these types of parrots live
to be into their 60's."
And I was like "Good for you," when I noticed a
streaaam of parrot shit
crawling down the back of the owner's t-shirt
And I thought to myself: "Either no one noticed the
parrot shit on her back
or more likely, she doesn't mind parrot shit on her
back..."
And I was like: "Lady don't brush against me !"
"In fact, go home, don't buy anything at Walgreen's
Change your shirt, POTTY train your parrot, or don't go
IN public!"

And then I remember how Americans are slow to hostility
and I thought: "Well maybe in a crazy town like this
you pay for the happy-Winston-Churchill-quote with the
nasty parrot shit."

pfff

ANARCHIST BOOKSTORE PART 1


Is my distance from the mic proper

There's a college town, with olive green all around
Professors and skater punks rock SG Paul's Wall Of
Sound
And there's an anarchist bookstore, there's more than
you'd look for
A core of local folks wait for late lifts, there's
often a great drift
To the shop for the Wednesday night five-to-eight shift
Cause the clerk at work is the prettiest gal in town,
she cries during Allentown
She's a precocious socialist and she's willing to prowl
around
She's twice as cool as the kids from her high school
Every Wednesday after French club she rides to work
with a stuffed Mastadon in the basket on her bicycle
If Noam Chomsky was from the Bronx he'd have been
assassinated promptly
She said he was from the Bronx, he said you know what I
mean, ignoramuses
Oh boy what a pain this is, said the only paid
employee, the manager
I came for culture, not accounting, and a girl put a
flyer up above the water fountain
She carried Clandestine two dollar mescaline in her
blue collar mess tin
Plastered with stickers that said food not bombs, sex
not proms, critical mass
That bastard, voice talent snickered
Nice graphics but that's just half assed agitprop to
piss off a traffic cop
Aww shucks, can it be I'm too lazy for pot lucks
If not my friends, who am I willing to cook for
And they're chilling at the anarchist bookstore

Will Barnes and Noble harm the global
Will Amazon Com be round when grammar's gone mom

Voice talent, the rapper, had a rapport with a stripper
whore
Who he'd vote for long before he'd vote for Tipper Gore
He re-equipped the store with the new credit machines
and put zines in their places
He said take back the streets is more like take back
four parking spaces at the most and left to hose the
Sunday showcases
He was all dressed in tinsel yo, but he couldn't
convince his friends to go
They were like, voice talent, you put on a minstrel
show
He said someone's psychotic, someone took too much
semiotics
Furthermore, he thought, someone can tzi-suck my tza-
dick
But VT was the opposite of TV, he'd never accuse
someone of being PC
Because it's so friggin' dumb to say, the term arose on
the Columbus Day
Quincentennary when the republic was honest about the
conquest
And wouldn't party as they had previously promised
If someone uses a non-offensive vocabulary then that
person is considerate, not PC
If someone has a heavy-handed agenda, that person is
narrow-minded, not PC
Unless you mean Providence College
PC is as meaningless as the president's apology for
slavery
Maybe P.E. should be on the radio
and not just in the African-American Norton Anthology

Will Barnes and Noble harm the global
Will Amazon Com be round when grammar's gone mom

Will Barnes and Noble harm the global
Will Amazon Com be round when grammar's gone mom

Who cooks for you, who cooks for you
Who cooks for you all

BURPING & FARTING


[MC Paul Barman]
Burping & Farting, Burping & Farting
Burping's from slurping the carbon dioxide
Farting's from digesting gas in the intestines
Burping & Farting, Burping & Farting
Burping's from slurping the carbon dioxide
Farting's from digesting gas in the intestines

Burping's from slurping the carbon dioxide in sugar
water
Sodalicious yet less nutritious than a booger snotter
Gas burps from fast slurps and come back in blast
Chirps through the esophagus
It smells like a sarcophagus
Chewing gum swallows air and straws add air too
Did big bro ever burp shotgunning homebrew?
Too much makes you puke and so does flu
Purging's great
Never urge a date to regurgitate

Burping & Farting, Burping & Farting
Burping's from slurping the carbon dioxide
Farting's from digesting gas in the intestines
Burping & Farting, Burping & Farting
Burping's from slurping the carbon dioxide
Farting's from digesting gas in the intestines

I said Farting's from digesting gas in the intestines
When gas spurts my ass hurts and blows back my grass
skirts and tartans
Don't be disheartened if you fart in a crowd
Silent but deadly
The cloud wasn't loud
If you got more gas than Gulf I'd cull fried foods or
else emit some
sulfides
Pass me a charcoal pill
Scratch that
Give me that thar whole grill "Coming at you mate!"
You flatulate the gas that you ate
It's really just doody in vaporous form
Mine is so fresh the paper is warm
I took a peek in my dookareeka and found a lentil a
diamond and corn
Eureka!

"How could he be so smart and so stupid at the same
time?"

COCK MOBSTER


[Verse 1]
Whoever thought Paul Barman would change the game?
I started rhyming when the radio was unbearably lame
Rappaz R. N. Dainja
"Depression is closely followed
By delusions of grandeur." (--Karen Horney)
I think about all the pube I got
While reading the Rubaiyat
And make babies in bunny slippers
With the JBs rockin' the Honey Drippers

[Chorus]
[Sample]
"Hey baby, do you know who I am?"
[Paul]
Cock Mobster
It's a porn utopia
A cornucopia of warm fallopia
Cock Mobster
My dandy voice makes the most
Anti-choice granny's panties moist

[Verse 2]
I let my hair air dry thereby getting more hair pie
I want to fire blanks in Tyra Banks
I like shorn quim lasses in horn-rimmed glasses
but Cindy Crawford ...offered
I would keep a tidy room for Heidi Klum
I'm immersed in Kirstie Alley's thirsty valley
I would snore or sleep on Laura Prepon.
Shall I keep on? (Yeah!)
I'd feel the pubis of Mila Kunis
I've seen the trim of Tina M.
I'd crunch Thandie Newton like a candied crouton
And I'll disrobe Lisa Loeb
I want a smelly slice of Kelly Price
Plus get with the hairy scar of Teri Garr
Lisa Bonet: I'd like a piece of your day
I would jizz early inside Liz Hurley

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
I'm a braniac with a veiny sack
resting on the brow of Erika Eleniak (Ooh, wow)
She almost shrank off when I said, "Take your top tank
off."
I draw a thousand times better than Robert Mankoff
I'm very p-proprietary with M-M-Mariah Carey
But she wants some silly cut up with Billy Crudup's
butt up
I'm the most lonely fella without Toni Isabella
I'm truly the hero of Julie Shapiro
But I'm sure to spill sperm in Laura Silverman
I'm putting taxing long things in Maxine Hong Kingston
which brings in Amy Tan
She said, "Lay me, mon."
Cynthia Ozick takes off her clothes quick and likes
exposed brick
I stuck my slim sword in Kim Gordon
Laetitia Casta is easily the boss of ya
Sigourney Weaver has a thrashing horny beaver
I'm having intercourse while listening to Winter Wars
Winona Ryder? Going inside her!
I want to get on the whole width of Anna Nicole Smith
I want Tracy Bingham in a lacey thingum
I made Tahnee Welch punanni felch while her mommy
belched

ENTER PAN-MAN


On Avenue C
with more Stussy
than you've ever seen
lived a young man
not a dumb man
graduate of Evergreen
In his undies
He read Sundie's
New York Times Help Wanted
but his CV's like the TV
because there's nothing on it
Then he saw an ad
under College Grad that said,
"We are looking for a man
to be a star, a living Pan.
If you're 18 to 24 we'll
gibe you horn implants of coral
plus an operation which removes
your feet and gives you hooves.
Rehab is free plus a loft" and
he didn't stop to think
faxed the contact, Lloyd Kaufman,
president of Troma Inc.

The cloven Fauve in Paul Verhoeven's
epic film entitled "Pan-Man"
theme song was to "Enter Sandman"
Weird Al polka version
It was an action flick
Pan-Man kicked backwards attackers
sent by the sexy matadortress
from her Spanish fortress
Of course the film was torturous
Lloyd Kaufman's masterpiece
achieving wide release
logos in the marquees
said "Pac-Man" with the c's
rotated ninety degrees
Troma had a premier at the MOMA
Paloma wore her signature aroma
A homeopathic doctor prone to
diagnose glaucoma had Pan's Evergreen diploma
shown to Williams and Sonoma

Forget the hourly salary
Househusbands get a dowry
of aureum or else become
a Bowery bum
Pan met his wife at the clubs and
now he's a househusband
He left his M2 staff in the lurch
They married at the Limelight
She wrote home of a church
His co-op cooking style impressed her
Her dad bought the home in Westchester
and funded Kaplan Review
MCAT
med school
and residencies
through three presidencies
Evidently
when their first son was born
Pan had his horns retracted
but at back-at-school-night
he couldn't hack it 'cause the racket
in the corridor
had parents ready to act the toreador
The principal called a moritor-
ium so he um
wishes he could delete
or at least backspace
retrieve his feet
forgo the back brace
His hooves had held him
on an awkward angle
now he's got a Wrinkle in his Spine
like Madeleine L'Engle
and that's the end of my snotty
hiphoppity Gymnopedie
not by Satie
but poignant
and it goes clipcloppity

EXCUSE YOU


I make def tunes, take from MF Doom and Jeff Koons
No one left for the restrooms when I got on stage
I can rock the mic to silence by John Cage
With the arty flavor, I shoot the gift like a party
favor
Flip the script and make it do cartwheels
Feel smart, steal hearts and start meals with
chocolates
I drop gems like I got holes in my pockets
Why talk, heck, oh fuck
I catch wreck like a tow truck, silly kid
I'm iller than the Iliad and flow more than Shoah
While you're so corny you've gotta SOH CAH TOA
PEMDAS EFX the number one skirmisher
I'm in the house like furniture, pessimist
I'll push the envelope off a precipice
I push the envelope so hard, it says 'excuse you'
Take two and pass, make you spin on your ass
Like a green paint sprinkler on white grass
I'm rapping, son (you're not my dad)
If you think you think outside the box, you're trapped
in one
I'm advancing the art form, depantsing a fat storm
Some people don't like thinking, I guess it's too hard
for 'em
My dope duds don't touch soap suds
I keep it realer than a rotoscope does
I keep it more Gully than Jonathan Livingston
Brag rhymes have no lag times, acrostics, narratives
Fibbonacci challenge poems, declarative palendromes
Manifestoes, my five fans can attest, yo
Coming soon, Morse code
Kiragami, Krikigami, Kirigami, Origami
Bombard you with retard-uous wordplay
Rhymes come so easy I issue harsher restraints
And if I had any rhythm, maybe you'd finally faint
The way I communicate can make a freakin' eunuch mate
I write first person, light verse in a white hearse
And I'm the Ne plus ultra of B plus culture
My goal is to make you go Holy frijoles
Jesus H. Christ, where H stands for Holy crap
To boldly rap into the outer reaches, this doubter
teachers
Defining God as aligning a divining rod with your
reclining bod
Cause life is fickle, hellish, anemic, sickle cellish
Dude, you'll get chopped up like pickle relish
And when we perish, we're, what's the term dude, worm
food
Worm food, friends' memories fade, you're remembered by
what you've made
So I intertwine my mind and my rhymes in a braid
I bunjie jump into my grungy dump
And come up with a trust fundy, dust bunny, spongey
clump
I got a very goth towel, a Terry Clark cowel
And when I wear it, I'm a hairy moth owl

HOUSEMATE TROUBLES


{"We are now going to progess to some steps that are a
bit more difficult"}
{"Ready?"
{"This is the battle"}
{"Of Sex"}
{"As an animal act"}
{"Fucked up by your emotions"}

[Verse 1: MC Paul Barman]
I faxed attorneys
My housemates that smoke crack and practice taxidermy
Didn't lack tact like the sackhole with wack black
leather German backpack and stacked (?)
The worst besides involving civilians is being a lazy
teacher
It's hard to embelish on how hellishly selfish the
nemises is
He drove the great housemate Kate off the premiseses
You're the biggest A-HOLE in the world! You're crazy!
We're both right
Your mom was nice on the phone
what happened you? I'd like to crap in your brew
A 12-pack of (?) when your napping oo-oo
I'll set fire to your bed, let the flames shave your
head
For the (?) you said
I'd leave you for dead if I could get away with it
You even taped up the kitty door so no one could play
with it
You did the same thing to Linden
???????
I wish you were going to the hell we've been in but it
doesn't exist
And there's no god either
No real mortal leader
I need a breather!

{"Poor, misreable, misfit, reject, loser, outlaw"}
{"And begin"}

[Verse 2: MC Paul Barman]
I don't need to be subtle to leave you befuddled
Cuase you're too lazy to write a rebuttle
Can't finish grad school think thats cool but it's sad
If I wanted to watch Football I'd live with my dad
I make rap masterpieces
You can't complete your crap masters thesis?
{"Loser"}
Just count calories and manufactour allergies
You make 5 times our salaries but you're late with the
rent
On time with the cable
You watch Friends while we are friends
All you're giving this house is crumbs on the table
From a Food-not-bombs bagle
Wont lend me your books but there's dust on your Hegel
I nearly puked when you showed up to U.S. Maple
Think your at Chapel Hill stable?
Think you're subletting through April?
We're getting you off the lease while you are cause
You're a bigger A-HOLE than I'm considered my my lab...

{"Poor, misreable, misfit, reject, loser, outlaws"}
{"And begin"}

[MC Paul Barman]
Look, when I'm being a pompous bastard
my friends love me enough to bring me back down to
their... planet
And so, this is a real stretch to say to you because I
don't love you like, you know, they love me
But your making sure that nobody loves you, you're
alienating everybody!
So just beware, or else you'll be alone

{"Poor, misreable, misfit, reject, loser, outlaws"}
{"Yeah... outlaws"}

You're a bee-itch. I hate you. Meow

HOW HARD IS THAT


There are many mysterious forces at work
As he silently views the city from a perch high atop a
sky scraper
Surely his bizarre and unique position and duel
identity
Brings on its own unexpected trauma's
What is Paul Barman really thinking?

[Hook] 4X
I love it when you call me Paul Barman
{"Paul Barman"}

[Verse 1: MC Paul Barman]
From my death to the best
The press is impressed
With my hot joints that plop points of picturesque (?)
In interviews, I'm inflated like inner tubes
Who's your (?) to say, "Sorry you got academic and
smart confused"
It's all a sham, a hologram, a mirage
Rapping is sinning, DJ's are post-modern collage
I'M SO LARGE! But I'll talk to you for no charge
I'm hot to dominate cause I've got an uncommon fate
What do you do? I eat Robin, skate
I'm rising; I'd rather die than live a life that's
unsurprising
Since 6 I heard you're creative, you'll make a living
advertising
Bringing to mind frisky black slaps
Buying whisky after selling men beers
Instead I trample every sample and clears
And out-rhyme rappers who paid dues for 10 years

[Hook] 4X
I love it when you call me Paul Barman
{"Paul Barman"}

[Verse 2: MC Paul Barman]
Hate-crime headlines and water-based designs
You pledge the turpentine, makes you wretch but on the
low
You don't know how to stretch canvas and it's clear
You couldn't draw a square on an Etch-A-Sketch
I don't know why you even took art
I assume that you can't read when you say you're just
not book smart
Paul labels in pen and ink
A Sharpie's just a pen
Every pen has ink
pen and ink is a nib dipped in ink
You think you're prints looks good
But a crappy drawings not gonna improve
Simply cause it' on a wood cut
Your installations a (?) of slime
Cause opening would be a waste of time
Without the cheese cubes and case of wine
Jeeze dude your professors depressed or crazed to say
its fine
Thanks for the rape statistic mimeograph
It didn't just give me a laugh
it truly made me cogitate
Go back to your large estate
Really grisly bore
Your skills will decrease some more
During winter break what the dilly is to moor

I write rhymes on brown bags, price tags
Hand outs, envelopes, receipts and boxed in sand
Napkins, on garbage or diaries and mirror's with shower
steam
We devoured the power team, leaving you deflowered with
a mouth-full of sour cr

I'M FRICKING AWESOME


What is it? From the mixed up files of Fazzle T.
Frankenwiler,
or something like that?
Mixed up files, powerful files

[Verse 1:]
It's the last days, Jocks think pussies are ash trays
And artsy-farts have more baggage than Samsonite
Those ancient Hamptonites, they're always like, "I
can't tonight"
And men who are too beautiful are too dutiful with
their cuticles
Plus it's like conversasion with a carpeted cubicle
I was eating food when a dude pseudo-suitable said,
"My rap talk's the back drop from laptop to blacktop
You certainly appear to be mightily stacked up
My iconoclastic rap schtick, gets my jimmy waxed like
Chapstick
I think LL Cool J and Canibus are BOTH fantastic
So-called experts can't see how the text works
So they comb through the textures of italicized
excerpts"
Believe me, it sucks acting impressed
Plus the whole time he rhymed he stared at my breasts
At best he was neither ugly nor dumb
I guessed I'd rearrange the boredom
And make it into bedroom, I said, "Let's go Max like
Headroom"
We brought the ruckus like Red Grooms
On the couch where we made out with my hand on his
paunch
He invited me to march in the Million Sperm Launch
The fun talk stopped when we heard the front door
unlock
His dad made such a grand entrance,
dude, you'd think we'd need sunblock
At long last he walked past and let out a calm blast of
bombast
Before he could set down he briefcase, I said, "You're
a quief-face
Go back to Boston"

[Chorus: fast over rock hard guitars]
When I want some, I get some
I'll wade through the flotsam and jetsam
Til I've met some smart hotties and caught 'em
My parents named me Autumn
But now I'm fricking awesome

[Verse 2:]
Next I took the Express to 86th and Lex
Flexed my Metrocard back in my wallet and
Walked to the Metropolitan, The Great Hall
Had hundreds of boys straight out of "Eightball", wait,
Paul
Barman was posted at his station
He said, "For students there's a $5 suggested donation"
Our eyes met
It's nice to be hypnotized by a man you don't despise
yet
He had a type of flow and I can't quite label it
All I know it made me want to take off my cableknit
Sweater, Oh he better be hetero
I hope they don't catch us in the Lila Acheson
Wallace Wing when Paulus brings the mattress in--rudely
He backlashed my booty
like I was Susan Faludi over the Grace Rainey Rogers
Room rostrum

[Chorus:]
When I want some, I get some
If I'm lost in the flotsam and jetsam
I'll draw some
L'acoste alligators chasing an opossum.....
But now- I'm frigging awesome
When I want some, I get some
If I'm lost in the flotsam and jetsam
I'll draw some
L'acoste alligators chasing an opossum.....
I'm frigging awesome

"What is a matter with that man?"
"What is a matter with that man?"

PAULLELUJAH


What will we do when we have our own kids
give 'em twelve year bids just after the bars come of
the cribs
work within the system, make 'em listin'
to the darkest lecture in the architecture
of a prison full of purity guards, security guards
that's sure to be hard
recess [ringing]
ran ... to the yard
... visitation rights
boredom is the warden
think we just ignore private school
but can you afford them?
and even then they're fair to Bette Midler
they fiddle ... diddles
and now they got the Ritalin
ADD
another dumb doctor's complicity
I'm about to substitute teach no T.R.A.C.T.

so when the states fail
and they can't make bail
we'll hold a yail brake/fake bake sale
slow in the uptake
while below in this cupcake
there is a file mile wide
with the rebile style died

paullelujah

current events, comparesing contrasts
causing effects, evarising bombats
five paragraphs each starts with a topic sentence
or hook for pop ascendants
so much pop of course people stop attendance
and this court loves to drop defences
let me see how illusion is spelled
98 percent of the graduates retriculate
because the other ones got expelled
and then you know where they go

we could relatucate with the art
but we ain't got pay...
you can take you budgettary constraints
and find it up you hairy ta...
that means you principle asswipe!
you are worse for crossing grass than sass in a glass
pipe
this isn't hyperbolly
this is reality, verbally
and we don't wan't weekends we need every day between
if you're mic-ed out when you're twenty
you're old when you're fifteen
I know - I reopen the black mountain school
and bring back to us the abacus as a counting tool
y'all know what time it is
this is my ... house
when run around when it's nice out
and nobody counts house