"I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks"

If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter
My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with 'super dumb'
Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

"Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me"

Why is everbody always pickin' on me?

The morn' that I was born my old man beat up the doctor
He clocked the doctor cause the doctor said I looked like Chewbacca
The doctor said sir you're misled sir which infers you mistook me
I did not mean your lovely wife was shackin' up with a wookie
What I mean is Wolverine is less hairy than your son
He's looks like Chewie Baba Booey Baba Booey and Hong Kong Phooey all in one
To put it mild your new-born child's completely nutty fu-fu lookin'
I'd shove him back into the oven until he is done cookin'
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause my fifteen year-old cousin has less acne
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you're white but you got a nose like Bill Cosby
Why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Always pickin' and rippin' apart poor ol' Jimmy Pop Ali
I got a schnoz like the 'Cos' but there's a lot more wrong with you
So back me up Bill yea and you're ugly too
So what if I brush my teeth with a piece of cheddar cheese
Or where a fish net shirt by Chams with my Sergio Valenti jeans
And my mirror never lies but it always verifies
I got more cheese and pepperoni than a homemade pizza pie
You compare me to a Monchichi but I don't understand
Why I'm scorned like I'm deformed like the Elephant Man
And yea I took my mom to the prom but hey she asked me first
But at least this time I didn't find my date in the back of a hearse
About as popular with the girls with Englebert Humperdink
And that might be 'cause everybody calls me Shrinky Dink
I know I'm known as Polaroid I'm not a total retard
It's cause I'm done in sixty seconds and you'll still want it enlarged
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause ya wore velour flares until the late Eighties
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you run like a girl and sit down to pee
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause your only school chum was the lunch lady
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
You took your mom to the prom but still got lucky
Like that episode where Gilligan gets sick of being teased
And he breaks into the Professor's lab and makes some LSD
Peaks freaks and eats the Skipper's brains then beats Ginger with coconuts
As Mr. Howell and Lovey burn alive inside their grass hut
Oh he'll kill again that Gilligan they he should of let him be
And like a postal clerk I'll go beserk if you don't stop teasing me
See the trick is only pick on those that can't do you no harm
Like the drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause my fifteen year-old cousin has less acne
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you're white but you got a nose like Bill Cosby
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause ya wore velour flares until the late Eighties
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you run like a girl and sit down to pee
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause your only school chum was the lunch lady
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause no one likes you monkey boy.

"It's Tricky"

This beat is my recital
I think it's very vital
To rock a rhyme
That's right on time
It's tricky tricky yo here we go

It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky

It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky

I met this little girlie, her hair was kind of curly
Went to her house to bust her out, I had to leave real early
These girls are really sleazy, all they just say is please me
Or spend some time and rock a rhyme, I said it's not that easy

It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky

In New York the people talk and try to make us rhyme
They really hawk, but we just walk, because we have no time
And in the city it's a pity, 'cause we just can't hide
Tinted windows don't mean nothing, they know who's inside

It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky

When I wake up people take up mostly all of my time
I'm not singing, phone keep ringing so I make up a rhyme
I'm not bragging, people nagging, 'cause they think I'm a star
Always tearing what I'm wearing, I think they're going too far
A girl named Tara follows Jared every gig we play
Evil dissed her and dismissed her, now she's jocking Spanky
I ain't lying, girls be crying, 'cause we're on TV
They even bother my poor father, 'cause he's down with me

It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky

We are not dumb, we don't use drugs, but you assume on your own
They offer coke and lots of dope, but we just leave it alone
It's like that y'all, but we don't quit
You keep on, rock shot, 'cause this is it.

"Asleep At The Wheel"

Bloodhounds shall cruise rendezvous
Break curfew new trip ensues
You never know Bloodhounds just go
Pack backpack up for down the road
No change of clothes but change for tolls
Pack of No-Doz Rolos and Skoal
Old Milwaukee Jolt black coffee
Sugar Daddy Rand McNally
A pack of jacks those orange Tic-Tacs
Glen Miller tracks roll of Kodak
The phantom black stacked Pontiac
Hot rod dual quads and in the back
Is the beat keeper big ass speaker
Jumbo woofer rattle tweeter
Dial is turned and there it's stayin'
The next day where Stern is playin'
You got your Jesus on the dashbord but the devil's under my hood
You're taking it down legal I'm pullin' it up to no good
God is your co-pilot I let Satan ride shotgun
You pay a toll to get to heaven but on the road to hell there's none
You got your Jesus on the dashbord but the devil's under my hood
You're taking it down legal I'm pullin' it up to no good
God is your co-pilot I let Satan ride shotgun
You pay a toll to get to heaven but on the road to hell there's none
Get up you're asleep at the wheel
Get up you're asleep at the wheel
Get up you're asleep at the wheel

I-95 eight lanes wide
Midnight drive take a ride
Alongside east coast tide
Getting high so am I
Bloodshot red eyes from the fumes
I consume engine zoom then engine boom
Then enging glow erupt and blow
And overflow like volcano
So far to go can't turn back though
Cheap tobacco cup of black Joe
Fuelin' my body jumstartin' my soul
Set my mind on cruise control
You got your Jesus on the dashbord but the devil's under my hood
You're taking it down legal I'm pullin' it up to no good
God is your co-pilot I let Satan ride shotgun
You pay a toll to get to heaven but on the road to hell there's none
Get up you're asleep at the wheel
Get up you're asleep at the wheel
Get up you're asleep at the wheel

24-7 Truck Stop Plaza
Turn off headlights turn on hazards
3 A.M. is when I gazed
Eyes glazed I'm dazed and then I fade
To black now were back
'On The Road' like Kerouac
Down the turnpike high rate of speed
Up all night like Gilbert Gottfried
You got your Jesus on the dashbord but the devil's under my hood
You're taking it down legal I'm pullin' it up to no good
God is your co-pilot I let Satan ride shotgun
You pay a toll to get to heaven but on the road to hell there's none
Get up you're asleep at the wheel
Get up you're asleep at the wheel
Get up you're asleep at the wheel.

"Shut Up"

I'm Jimmy Pop here in a jiffy heat me up and add oil
I'm like a zit a wart a corn a cyst a festering boil
I get under your skin and I sebaceously form
I'm as deep as the plot to an amateur gay porn
Keep ya hungry for more like Bangladesh
Then I'll borg di borg do borg ya like the Swedish Chef
Cause I'm one of a kind and kind of hard to find
Kind of like an Injun without his fire water wine
I'm like Schneider one day at a time
I'm feeling like Bob Vila nailing up your behind
To my wall like Daniel-son does
I'm waxing on I'm waxing off I'm waxing just because
I get wired like a Western Union and I got to be me
And I got more balls than the daily lottery
Like hemorrhoidal itch yo you can't ignore me
Cause I'm more tongue and cheek than a lesbo orgy
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me

Second verse is different from the first

I'm Jimmy Pop I am
Jimmity Jimmity Pop I am I am
See my name's not Hoover and I don't give a damn
And I got a different angle like a parellelogram
And you'll be all ears like a field of corn
I'll make you Dizzy like Gillespie as I toot my own horn
Like a No. 2 pencil I always got a point
You'll want to share it with friends like a poorly rolled joint
I'm Jimmy Pop y'all I'm Jimmy Pop y'all I'm an Alka Seltzer that's right you're a seagull
As I continue to expand your head is gonna burst
Leave a bad taste in your mouth like moldy Liverwurst
Like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre I'll get in your face
But then I'll brush you off like Aqua-Fresh toothpaste
Cause I'm letting off steam like a Chinese Laundromat
But I'm not a roll of Charmin so don't give me no crap
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me

I hate a lot of whites and I hate a lot of blacks
I hate poopin' in public places but we all hate that
I hate lesbian feminists because they're all so damn ugly
I hate Spin Magazine cause they never ever plug me
I hate Regis and I hate Kathie Lee
I hate every single movie by that midget Spike Lee
I hate people that think I care what they think
I hate people that think their ass don't stink
I hate Jon Bon Jovi but I hate his music more
I hate killing people because I hate to keep score
I hate you but you hate yourself too
I hate to be honest but I'd hate to be you
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me
Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me.

"Your Only Friends Are Make Believe"

Yea well I sing like an amputee though
Why?
Cause can't hold a note can't cary a tune

Knock knock Mr. Rogers it's Mr. McFeelie
I've brought you a letter speedy delivery
Well Mr. McFeelie if there's postage due
You can go fuck yourself like Captain Kangaroo
I can go to land of make believe and I can pretend
But in the end I still have no friends

Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do

Mr. Rogers I like your cardigan sweater
Mr. McFeelie shut up and give me my letter
I don't want to talk to you don't you understand?
Why are you inside my house you're just my fuckin' mailman?
I can go to land of make believe and I can pretend
But in the end I still have no friends

Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do

You can go to land of make believe and you can pretend
But in the end you still have no friends
You can go to land of make believe and you can pretend
But in the end you still have no friends

Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do

You are my best friend too
I share the same views and hardly ever argue
Eat Spam from the can watch late night C-Span
And rock out to old school Duran Duran
Your best friend is you I'm my best friend too
I share the same views and hardly ever argue
Eat Spam from the can watch late night C-Span
And rock out to old school Duran Duran
Your best friend is you I'm my best friend too
I share the same views and hardly ever argue
Eat Spam from the can watch late night C-Span
And rock out to old school Duran Duran

"Boom"

Stop as we drop this bomb
Blow up this place like another Vietnam
Heavy like a Tyson blow to the dome
Back up son give me room give me room
To set it off like this don't give it up
I'm all up in you till you just can't get enough
Real hard to the bone you want more
I sneak up on you like a sniper at your back door
Phat flavor for your brain you know the time
So check the wrath it's for real I'm gonna get mine
Roll up on you like Eastwood
Blowing up fifteens as I'm riding through your neighborhood
I spreads butter like Parkay
Real smooth with flow and even when I parlay
Do what you feel and check the skill
I'm in your grill peep this I got the raw deal
I'm in your Jeep Grand Cherokee or Land Cruiser
When you're rolling through the hood you want to use a
Track like this all up in your eardrum
So check the E.Q. and let them speakers hum
And gets crazy like Prozac
Hype enough to start a party and illy as a heart attack
Round one round two knockout
Straight to your head my round never lights out
Tah rah tah rah tah rah boom dee
Tah rah tah rah tah rah boom dee a

Jimmy Jimmy y'all Jimmy damn Jimmy yea
Gimme the mic Rob so I can take it away
Got more lines than the welfare office
Are you upset you'll never get to be as clever as this?
Spreadin' quicker than your mom have a feel but don't cop it
Yea I stole your beat but that's cause you dropped it
Crude as oil unrefined but slick
I'm gonna get you from behind like a gay convict
Cause my name ain't Quasimodo but I still got a hunch
That like the Jim Jones cult I'll take you out with one punch
You're Spiro Agnew and I'm the Dick you answer to
You're sweating like a watermelon at a Baptist bar-b-cue
Sneaking up like celery yeah I'm stalking
I squeak like Stephen Hawkings yeah but I'm walkin'
Nose to ground so this Bloodhound will sniff and follow it
I hope you choke on your pride when I make you swallow it
Screaming like a Mimi when you see me coming near you
Like a Kenny Loggins' record no one's ever gonna to hear you
Like a game of hide and seek it's all over if I see ya
Cause your yellower than tinkle and you'll be running like diarrhea
Tah rah tah rah tah rah boom dee
Tah rah tah rah tah rah boom dee a.

"Going Nowhere Slow"

Got the mike in my hand but can I make you understand
That a-hole bands have a-hole fans
Bloodhound's the name and the Gang's to blame
Like Chan n' Chin the Siamese twins it's one in the same
So fame ain't gonna live forever
Never worrying about dying cause it can't be any better
But whatever happens to happen always happens for the worst
And if the worst is yet to happen I hope it happens to you first
So hello Joe what do you know?
Heard ya just got back from a Bloodhound show
Did you do the Batussi or did you do the Hustle?
Did you do the Flamin' Waffle or the Super Bowl Shuffle?
No matter what you did you're gonna be amused
If you were not entertained you did not drink enough booze
If ya get your eyes a'fuzzin' then we'll get your ears a'buzzin'
Cause we play around the world you play around with your cousin
Bloodhound boys
Bloodhound girls
Bloodhound noise
Bloodhound world
Rock on rock on do it dusk til' dawn
Anywhere we go everywhere we've gone
Don't matter what town what state what show
Hell-bound Bloodhound going nowhere slow

We rock Philadelphia Baltimore Las Vegas Indianapolis
Louisville Atlanta New Orleans and Minneapolis
Houston Tucson Phoenix Buffalo
Tulsa Mobile Albuquerque Wichita and Orlando
Portland Salt Lake City Memphis Washington D.C.
Charlotte Oklahoma City Little Rock and Milwuakee
Cleveland Tampa Norfolk Dallas Raleigh Hartford Cincinatti
Boston Nashville Kansas City Chattanooga and Miami
Honolulu Richmond Austin Pittsburgh San Antonio
Baton Rouge and Anchorage and Birmingham and Toledo
Denver Detroit Dayton Spokane Fresno
And Jacksonville Colombus Springfield New York Sacramento
Los Angeles St. Paul St. Louis San Francisco
Madison Knoxville Seattle San Jose and San Diego
Jackson Omaha Des Moines Boise Providence Chicago
But no where in New Jersey that's the only place we won't go
Bloodhound boys
Bloodhound girls
Bloodhound noise
Bloodhound world
Rock on rock on do it dusk til' dawn
Anywhere we go everywhere we've gone
Don't matter what town what state what show
Hell-bound Bloodhound going nowhere slow
Rock on rock on do it dusk til' dawn
Anywhere we go everywhere we've gone
Don't matter what town what state what show
Hell-bound Bloodhound going nowhere slow.

"Rip Taylor is God"

Hey! Da dee dada dee da da
This is Rip Taylor
Hey there sprinkle genies!
Haha!
Did you know that midgets make up a small percentage of the population?
Hah!
Not half, up to here, HAHA HEY!
Woo
But seriously, don't you think it's time we had a female president?
With big gazooms? Tatee tattoo tees?
Tatta ta too tatas?
Baba bing bangs?
Big jugs, get it?
Hello Dolly
Is this microphone on? Hello? Anybody out there can they hear me?
Somebody call my agent, my hair is lifting!
Please, what am I doing here?
You're probably saying to yourself
"Why the HELL would a comedic virtuoso like, Rip Taylor,
want anything to do with those half-witted white trash crotch
goblins The Bloodhound Gang?"
Oh! Well listen folks, the answer is very simple..
Haha... American cashito, dollareenies, no cheques!
They paid me you hiney hopper why else?
Oh I'm getting moist!
I mean come on, let's face it kids, pardon me... but they are
a bunch of knuckleheads!

"We Are the Knuckleheads"

Who's The Knuckleheads?
We Are The Knuckleheads? [X4]
If You Would Be The Peanut Butter Then I Would Play The Jelly
I'll Peel Apart Your Bread And Then I'll Penetrate Your Belly
Your Blood Stains Mighty Bad I Wash It Off With Coast
Now I'll Take My Jelly And Spread It On Your Toast
No One Rhymes Faster The Mic Is My Blaster
So Grasp Some Shasta The Mighty Mic Master
Giving Ya Communion With Your Lips On My Cup
Pump Pump Pump Pump Me Up
Now If You're The Waterboy Then I'm The Heavyweight Contender
I'm Gonna Mix You All Up Like A Black And Decker Blender
If You Would Be The Telstar Then I'd Have To Be Defender
I'll Be Out In Just Four Weeks I Was A First Offender
Your A Dumb Ass Stupid Vera And I'm The One That Flo Calls Mel
Puttin' Holes Right Through Your Body Like Harvey Keitel
You're A Broken Down Big Wheel I'm A Banana-Seated Schwinn
Take The Butt Of Your Gun And Smash Their Nose In Clip of Harvey Keitel from Reservoir Dogs
I'm A Lego-Eggo Maniac I'm Stickier Than Some Fun Tack
Trip To The Store And Get Another Six Pack
Bomb Dropping Like At Ground Zero
Like Colonel Klink Is Getting Fucked By Hogan's Heroes
Eenie Meanie Miney Mo You Took Your Shot You Missed
I Wasn't A Good Boy This Year I'm Not On Santa's List
I Gave Your Girl Some Sausage And Than I Slit Your Wrists
Now I'm Taking Your Ass Out Like My Name Was Burgeous Meredith
Who's The Knuckleheads?
We Are The Knuckleheads [X4]
Fast Fast Quick Bic Like Ass When Ya Pass Gas
You Threw It Like A Girl That's Why You Got Picked Last
And Mr. Easy Does It Never Did It Now Did He
Jesus Is Coming So Look Busy
And You And Your Chumps Are Gonna Get Your Lumps
I Got The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg You Got Goose Bumps
Cause I'm Black Y'all, It's A Fact Y'all
And If You Try To Take What's Mine I'll Take It Back Y'all
I Wish All Skinheads Smelled Like Mr. Clean
And That Girl From Jersey Really Was Nineteen
Cause The Whole Damn World Would Be Peachy Keen
With Rip Taylor On The Cover Of Every Magazine So Go
Rip Rip Rip Taylor
Rip Rip Rip Taylor
Rip Taylor Rip Taylor
Your Girlfriend
We Nailed Her
My Mom's Got Opposable Thumbs
Your Mom's Weezie Jefferson
I'd Rather Eat Fresh Heiny Chow
And I Ain't Crazy About No God Damn Butthole No How
Batter Roll And Whip Ya Like A Fucken' Kanoli
If Satan Had A Hockey Team Theni'd Be The Goalie
Cause We're Dumber Than Driftwood Dumber Than Your Mama
Dumber Than A Supermodel Dumber Than Kwanza
Who's The Knuckleheads?
We Are The Knuckleheads? [X4]