Nba Sezona 2005/2006 :: Kosarka ~ Odbojka ~ Tenis ~ Ostali sportovi

a evo i jednog malo duhovitijeg pogleda na dodeljivanje nagrada Smiley

The 2005-06 SLAMMYS

by Lang Whitaker

Coming to you live from the SLAM Dome, it's the 2005-2006 Slammy Awards! These awards recognize achievement -- both personal and professional -- in the world of the NBA over the last season, and we here at SLAM are just glad that we can be a part of the greatest show on earth, the NBA (even if the NBA doesn't ask us to vote in the official postseason awards -- not that we're complaining!).

That said, we should also mention that these awards do not reflect the views of David Stern, Stern John, Stuttering John, Jackie Christie, Kendra Davis, Davis Love III, Dennis Page, Adam Silver, David Silver, Mel Silver, Vic Tayback, Erick Sermon, Keith Murray, David Wright, Chipper Jones, Andruw Jones or Victor Conte.

Now, on to the show...

The Marmaduke Award

FOR: The biggest dog in the League, the guy making lots of coin but not worth a friggin' cent.

SPONSORED BY: Antoine Carr and Glenn Robinson
2002 WINNER: Austin Croshere
2003 WINNER: Vin Baker
2004 WINNER: Tom Gugliotta
2005 WINNER: Penny Hardaway

RUNNER UP: Keith Van Horn, Jalen Rose
2006 WINNER: Brian Grant

I suppose we could disqualify BG from this award, since his huge contract was technically bought out by the Lakers and he signed a veteran's minimum deal in Phoenix, but that would discount the hard work the Lakers did to sign this man who's numbers have fallen off more steeply than President Bush's. With all his combined salaries, Grant still made over -- get this -- $16 million(!!!) this year. And he averaged 3 points and 3 rebounds a night. Man.

The Allan Houston Award

FOR: The alleged superstar who puts up decent numbers but doesn't justify his pay and rarely come up big when it counts.

SPONSORED BY: Allan Houston, of course.
2002 WINNER: Allan Houston
2003 WINNER: Alonzo Mourning
2004 WINNER: Shareef Abdur-Rahim
2005 WINNER: Chris Webber

RUNNER UPS: Eddie Jones, Tim Thomas, Michael Finley
2006 WINNER: Steve Francis

The Knicks are proud to be able to keep this award in the franchise. The Knicks got Stevie Franchise intending to play him together with Starbury, but they never meshed and Steve and his $13.7 million salary ended up benched. For a guy who used to have his own shoe, who's made a few All-Star appearances, the fall was fast and furious. (And Allan Houston? He still made $19 million this season.

The LVP Award

FOR: The allegedly important player whose absence least affected his team.

SPONSORED BY: Patrick Ewing
2002 WINNER: Vince Carter
2003 WINNER: Dikembe Mutombo
2004 WINNER: Allen Iverson
2005 WINNER: Steve Nash

RUNNER UPS: Baron Davis, Peja Stojakovic, Joe Johnson
2006 WINNER: Amare Stoudemire

For us NBA watchers, this was probably the most surprising development of the season. After watching Amare thrash and trash his way through the NBA last year, we all figured this would be the year that the Suns would turn things up another notch, becoming a champagne supernova in the desert. Instead, Amare needed what turned out to be serious surgery, knocking him out for most of the season. But the Suns stayed together like Al Green and went from a 60-22 team last year to a 54-28 record, hanging on to first place in their division. This award isn't mean to dimish Amare in any way, rather it's to acknowledge how his teammates rallied up without him.

The Glue Guy Award

FOR: The guy who needs to be taken out to pasture and turned into Elmer's.

SPONSORED BY: Charley Rosen
2002 WINNER: Dikembe Mutombo
2003 WINNER: No Award Given
2004 WINNER: Dikembe Mutombo
2005 WINNER: Kevin Willis

RUNNER UP: Dikembe Mutombo, Ha Seung Jin, Michael Olowokandi
2006 WINNER: Jerome James

After signing a $30 million free agent deal this summer, Jerome James showed up and did absolutely nothing, all season long. Beset by injuries (played in just 44 games) and a hangover (JJ was suspended after not being able to practice on Jan. 1), his inability soon became legendary, as he finished the season averaging more fouls per game than rebounds. And at seven feet tall, that's hard to do.

The R. Kelly Award

FOR: The young player that needs some love
SPONSORED BY: Girl Scouts of America

2002 WINNER: Michael Redd
2003 WINNER: Nenê
2004 WINNER: Chris Bosh
2005 WINNER: Tayshaun Prince

RUNNER UPS: Shaun Livingston, Josh Smith, Ike Diogu
2006 WINNER: Dwight Howard

We've gotten pretty good with this award at highlighting guy just before they hit a breakout season, and while Dwight just finished a banner year, here's guessing that next year will be even more amazing. He's about to start a string of All-Star appearances and, basically, he's going to be awesome. It's funny, because when interview a lot of these guys in high school, they all say that they play like Kevin Garnett, even though hardly any of them have KG's drive and athleticism and knowledge. When I interviewed Dwight in high school, he made that same comparison. Thing is, he was right.

The Fight Club Award

FOR: The best fight of the season
SPONSORED BY: Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, Xavier McDaniel

2002 WINNER: No Award Given
2003 WINNER: Rick Fox and Doug Christie
2004 WINNER: Gary Payton and Speedy Claxton
2005 WINNER: The Pacers vs. The City of Detroit

RUNNER UPS: Bruce Bowen vs. Ray Allen, Jermaine O'Neal vs. Udonis Haslem
2006 WINNER: Keyon Dooling vs. Ray Allen

It was a violent year for Ray Allen, who, perhaps frustrated with Seattle and their bumbling year, got into his share of scrapes this season. The best one, undoubtedly, came when Ray and Keyon got into it in Seattle. Keyon threw a 'bow at Ray, Ray threw one back, and then next thing you know they're both in the front row of the stands, getting it on. They both got tossed, and then Keyon snuck past the security guards and tried to get into the Seattle locker room to continue the battle.

The Brown Mic Award

FOR: The worst NBA announcer
SPONSORED BY: TNT, ABC, ESPN

2002 WINNER: Kevin Harlan
2003 WINNER: Tim Hardaway
2004 WINNER: Kevin Harlan
2005 WINNER: Tim Legler

RUNNER UPS: Magic Johnson, Brent Musberger, Eric Reid, Chuck Swirsky, Matt Devlin, Mike Rice
2006 WINNER: Jim Barnett

This award used to be solely for national announcers, but the proliferation of bad homer announcers around the NBA has demanded we open it up to any and all announcers. And with the field wide open, Jim Barnett wins this in a run-away. His wordy style, in which he explains (or at least attempts to explain) every little thing that happens in not just often wrong, it's infinitely annoying. (Also worth mentioning here is the larger trend of announcers afraid to say anything bad about the team that employs them, and then taking it to the next level by only saying amazing, wonderful things about the team that employs them. Rice and Swirsky, please stand up. Your teams combined for 48 wins, but listening to the Blazers and Raptors broadcasts, we would've thought your teams were leading their Conferences.)

The Yellow Pen Award

FOR: The worst NBA writer of the year
SPONSORED BY: ESPN.com

2002 WINNER: No Award Given
2003 WINNER: Charley Rosen
2004 WINNER: No Award Given
2005 WINNER: Chad Ford (lifetime achievement)

2006 WINNER: Various Knicks writers

We can't single anyone out, because we share locker room space with these guys on the regular. But it's worth noting that they all decided to take Larry Brown's side throughout the season. Who's laughing now?

The Charles Oakley Lifetime Achievement Award

FOR: The player who night in and night out tries to prove that he's utterly, completely insane.
SPONSORED BY: Dennis Rodman, Art Long

2002 WINNER: Ron Artest
2003 WINNER: Ricky Davis
2004 WINNER: Gilbert Arenas
2005 WINNER: Stephen Jackson

RUNNER UPS: Darius Miles, Ron Artest, Gilbert Arenas
2006 WINNER: Danny Fortson

Having been a college teammate of Art Long, Fortson knows from crazy. He demonstrated it throughout the year, racking up Flagrant 2 fouls, getting suspensions and making the Quotes Of The Day more often than Shaq. His only downside came when he went into Operation Shutdown just days before I was going to head out to Seattle to write a feature on him for SLAM. Maybe next year.

The J.R. Rider Memorial Award

FOR: The player most committed to chemical warfare.
SPONSORED BY: John Lucas, Method Man, Redman

2002 WINNER: Lamar Odom
2003 WINNER: Rasheed Wallace
2004 WINNER: Damon Stoudamire
2005 WINNER: NONE

RUNNER UPS: Barry Bonds, JR Rider
2006 WINNER: Chris Andersen

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! What happened to that boy? A lot, apparently. For the first time in decades, an NBA player got popped testing for the really strong stuff, and the Birdman earned a two-year suspension. He's disappeared ever since. He's as free as a bird now. Won't you fly free bird?

The Rockafella Award

FOR: The team of the year.
SPONSORED BY: Nas

2002 WINNER: Tie between the Mavs and the Nets
2003 WINNER: Detroit Pistons
2004 WINNER: Minnesota Timberwolves
2005 WINNER: Phoenix

RUNNER UPS: San Antonio, Dallas, LA Clippers
2006 WINNER: Detroit

Under any other circumstances, this award would go to the Clippers, who finally overcame years of mediocrity and managed to actually clinch homecourt in the playoffs, a stunning development. But the work of the Pistons can't be overlooked. They set a franchise wins record, went 37-4 at home, didn't have a starter miss any games due to injury...in short, they were dominant.

The Enron Award

FOR: The worst owners in the League.
SPONSORED BY: Quicken Loans

2002 WINNER: Tie between the Hornets and the Knicks
2003 WINNER: Los Angeles Clippers
2004 WINNER: Phoenix Suns (Jerry Colangelo)
2005 WINNER: New York Knicks (Cablevision)

RUNNER UPS: Atlanta Hawks (Atlanta Spirit), Portland Trailblazers (Paul Allen), New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets (George Shinn)
2006 WINNER: New York Knicks (Cablevision)

It takes some doing for a team's management to be so bad that they're able to be worse than a team where they owner is actively trying to screw hundreds of thousands of hurricane victims, but James Dolan and Cablevision have managed to beat out George Shinn for the Enron Award. Their mismanagement is by now legendary, as they managed to accrue the highest payroll in the NBA and simultaneously challenge a franchise loss record. Oh, and they've got a big-time sexual harrasment suit pending against them, which is never good. The smartest guys in the room? Definitely not Dolan or Isiah.

The Tuna Award

FOR: The best coach of the year.
SPONSORED BY: Bill Parcells

2002 WINNER: Doc Rivers
2003 WINNER: Gregg Popovich
2004 WINNER: Jerry Sloan
2005 WINNER: Nate McMillan

RUNNER UPS: Flip Saunders, Lawrence Frank, Mike D'Antoni, Avery Johnson
2006 WINNER: Gregg Popovich

They battled more injuries than ever, had other teams gunning for them every night, and the Spurs still managed to post the best record in the Western Conference, somehow winning 63 games. Popovich keeps his guys focused, adjusts on the fly, always makes the right personnel moves. They aren't the popular pick among media members, but you won't see me picking against them.

The Tark in San Antonio Award

FOR: The worst coach of the year.
SPONSORED BY: Bob Weiss

2002 WINNER: The Rev. Dr. Isiah Thomas
2003 WINNER: Terry Stotts
2004 WINNER: Scott Skiles
2005 WINNER: Brendan Malone

RUNNER UPS: Mike Woodson, Larry Brown, Mike Montgomery, Terry Stotts
2006 WINNER: Sam Mitchell

If it's possible to win an award in one night, Mitchell did just that on January 22, when his Raptors gave up 81 points to Kobe Bryant. Yes Kobe was hot, but there is NO WAY the Raptors should've given up that many points. Double him, foul him, whatever. Don't just stand around and let him score. Congrats, Sam!

The Homie Award

FOR: The best American rookie.
SPONSORED BY: 50 Cent and Eminem

2002 WINNER: Eddie Griffin
2003 WINNER: Amare Stoudemire
2004 WINNER: Carmelo Anthony
2005 WINNER: Emeka Okafor

RUNNER UPS: Ray Felton, Channing Frye, Deron Williams
2006 WINNER: Chris Paul

Not even close.

The Passport Award

FOR: The best new foreign player.
SPONSORED BY: ESPN.com's Chad Ford

2002 WINNER: Tony Parker
2003 WINNER: Yao Ming
2004 WINNER: Boris Diaw
2005 WINNER: Anderson Varejao

RUNNER UPS: Sarunas Jasikevicius, Jose Calderon
2006 WINNER: Andrew Bogut

He was roundly doubted before the Draft, but Bogut's 9 and 7 every night turned out to be solid and needed.

The Chilling List Award

FOR: The player who has spent the most time on the bench this season.
SPONSORED BY: Grant Hill

2002 WINNER: Rafer Alston
2003 WINNER: Danny Fortson
2004 WINNER: Darko Milicic
2005 WINNER: Darko Milicic

RUNNER UPS: Jeff McInnis, Sebastian Telfair, Royal Ivey
2006 WINNER: Channing Frye, David Lee and Nate Robinson

The three Knicks rookies, who were all mostly effective and exciting whenever they were on the floor, were the latest players to feel the wrath of Larry Brown's acid reflux. We don't understand his methods, but the results made perfect sense.

The Master Lock Award

FOR: The best defensive player in the L.
SPONSORED BY: Master P, The Lox

2002 WINNER: Bruce Bowen
2003 WINNER: Ben Wallace
2004 WINNER: Ron Artest
2005 WINNER: Larry Hughes

RUNNER UPS: Shaquille O'Neal, Ben Wallace, Dwight Howard
2005 WINNER: Bruce Bowen

Around here, we've always been big Bowen fans -- anyone who goes to college and gets a degree in public relations during the NBA season gets mad respect. But it's good that people are finally noticing that Bowen is a quality defender who is able to shut down pretty much anyone you throw him at. I'll always remember being in Detorit last year for Game Five, and when the final possession came around and the Spurs needed a stop to get the win, who was guarding Chauncey Billups? Bruce Bowen. Guess who won that game?

The Tiffani Thiessen Award

FOR: The new player on a team that made the most impact.
SPONSORED BY: Darren Starr

2002 WINNER: Michael Jordan
2003 WINNER: Troy Hudson
2004 WINNER: Sam Cassell
2005 WINNER: Shaquille O'Neal

RUNNER UPS: Raja Bell, Antoine Walker, Reggie Evans, Smush Parker
2006 WINNER: Sam Cassell

He's nearly forgettable, but Gollum/John Clayton/Cassell is one of the deadliest mid-range shooters in the League, and his ability to drain 18-footers while running a team is obscenely underrated. by everyone except Clippers fans. His contract runs out this summer, and someone will say he's too old and refuse to sign him, but I'd gladly give him my midlevel exception.

The Big SLAMMY

FOR: The Most Valuable Player in the League -- in the sense of the guy no team would ever trade away.
SPONSORED BY: Brand Jordan

2002 WINNER: Shaquille O'Neal
2003 WINNER: Tracy McGrady
2004 WINNER: Kevin Garnett
2005 WINNER: Shaquille O'Neal

RUNNERS UP: Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James
2006 WINNER: Kobe Bryant

Remember, this is different from the MVP in that here we're focusing on whoever holds the most value in the League right now. And as the League's best offensive player, at a still-young 27 years old, with a drive and desire that are nearly impossible to comprehend, the Lakers have handed KB8 the keys to their franchise. Let's hope he figures out how to get it out of reverse.