SALVATION BARMY


[girl's voice]
I am a pretty little dutch girl
As pretty as pretty can be
And all the boys around my block
Are crazy over me

[Paul Barman]
I was walkin down the street, lookin at boobs, asses,
faces
Went in the salvation army for some used glasses cases
Next to the doooorway
The cashier catch me, held up an old map of Norway
She flipped it over, and the message read 'You're gay'
I looked at her anxiously
Two lip rings looked like fangs to me
I said, "Hope my sperm will get under your thermal
Underwear, because you're cuter than Nermal"
She said, "Go get a haircut"
So I showed her my bare butt
Pulled down my car hearts put my moon in her star-
charts
And to make stupid stupider, I stuffed the ring up my
ass
Said, "Now my moon's Jupiter"
FUCKIN ASSHOLE

[guy's voice]
She has a boyfriend Fatty
He comes from Cincinnati
With 48 toes and a pickle on his nose
And this is the way the story goes

[Paul Barman]
Clickity clack, he's at the rack with the jackets
It's Black Italiano, lookin black cuz he's backlit
"Ay, what's up with these fuckin Chinese lookin street
gang jackets?"
We started to slowdance
I said, "No chance for romance
If I have to wear condoms cuz they feel like snow
pants"
But I couldn't stay calm, because she revealed a bra
Made of two yamakas, I said, "You're hella great!"
Let's celebrate!
We took the freight elevate-
Er to continue our back-and-forth shaggin sports
In the room with the davenports where men become
cuckolds
She chuckled
I felt her knuckle above my belt buckle

[guy's voice]
One day when she was walking
She heard her boyfriend talking
To a little girl with a strawberry curl
And this is what he said to her

[Paul Barman]
My pissed off Jabrowski
Turned three colors like Christov Krislowski
And said, "A handjob's a man's job, your job's a
blowjob"
That porn snob
That corn cob with a doorknob is a born slob ?????
Every penis wants to be famous
It's a good way to stay misogynistic and aimless
She said, "I'm glad you explained that
My name is Jane Pratt, before you jerk off on my head
please pass me that rain hat"
So I did, you know
What can I say?
I'm a lonely male who will settle for any phony in a
ponytail

[another guy's voice]
Come On
Bring your woman over here so I can show her a real
Italian man
I got the best of both fuckin worlds here
Fuckin black man's dick, and an Italian man's brain
Hehehee, FUCKIN ASSHOLE

SCHOOL ANTHEM


It's true most of the time in class I was tempted to
"Fool Around Man"
(laughs)
That's what it was, yeah... You'd be bored and you'd
figure
"Well why not deprive someone else of their education"

Verse 1:
I may be kidding school's just babysitting
I knew girls in AP classes knitting, so tedious
Homework is tell major lies or plagiarize
encyclopedias, so boring
Fresh-faced teachers want to tickle 'em
but a test-based curriculum excludes exploring
I'll let a mystery gas out of my blistery ass
Just to disrupt the misery of history class
And to entertain your tender brain
When your pain is the same as a fender bender with a
train
Analyze the engines if you gotta go to the
rhododendrons
Cut class then serve detentions
Say toodle-oo to the trimmed poodles who
Will grow up to be the adults you now hate, I know
what's futile too
Like throwing a spear at Choate, I'm not here to gloat
I want to be used as your yearbook quote
Abolish class rank, pour sugar in its gas tank
Weighted grades really yank my ass crank
And stop up my leak hole
English and autoshop should be equal
Anyway an A is a weak goal
So stultifying, It's hard to hold off dying
I'm spying on a lobbyist, It's obvious
Double teachers' salaries and hire smarter
Discard the farters who only inspire fire starters
What is the meaning of C.L.A.S.S.?
Is it a Conspiracy Levelled At Sleepy Students trying
to pass?
"Oh my, What a disgrace..."

Verse 2:
Make like a whirlybird and graduate early, word
Or pull all the stops out
Make the proprietors of a mom and pop shop's eyes pop
out
And drop out
When I yawn it's hard to hold in drool, drawn dreams of
a molten pool
Of magma rock raining Ragnarok
On the whole damn school
Scenes of the old and fool-ish and possibly cruel
Administrators being told the Golden Rule
While rolled in stool
Superficial superintendant
Repainting the facade and bannister
I'm going to switch your contact lens vial
for a Drosophilia Melanogaster cannister:
I found college awkward another teacher, same old
chalkboard
I felt I was shifting bawkward when I expected to shoot
forward
Could I possibly have been more bored?
Realistically, a stressful sideways
Still skipping readings, still waiting for Fridays
School was so damn boring
It left me colder than the o-ring
Which would not expand and destroyed the USS Challenger
in 1986
An overhaul is long overdue
I'm 0 for 2, If so are you
Catch the fever from Wallace Shawn
To destroy school 'til all is goooooooone
"He was the first one to get a Hawaiin
nose-humming"
"Analyze the results"

TALKING TIME TRAVEL


im talkin'
talkin'
talkin' about time travel
all the strings of my mind start to unravel
i left the here and now
now im there and when
im traveln' through time
wonder when i'll be home again

THE JOY OF YOUR WORLD


Verse 1:
My brain makes the earth dark but I'm hung like a
birthmark
I like to suck toes yours secrete fructose
I make paintings based on grids just like Chuck Close
I'm old school like Aztecs but new in other aspects
If you want sex with me be prepared for bad sex and
slapstick
Even Chapstick won't help my chapped dick
When I'm with a naked chick I use a faker dick
A turkey baster laced with Elmer's to make it stick
My ex fled to Reykjavik, we really were trying
Ohhh your so wet, "My pussy's crying"
I need an eye exam and a vagina with no diaphragm
Or condom, I'm pond scum, I'm going to buy a lamb
And when we make love I'll picture titty humping
which looks like a Venn Diagram
Ewww, this isn't dope I feel like I'm pissing Scope
Lamby's a misanthrope
I asked her to stop moving, does she listen? Nope
The sheep was a clone so I was a creep on the phone
Now I'm sleeping alone
With her photo on my nightstand in a sepia tone
Oh yeah and you know that...
"Paul Bar-Bar-Barman"

Chorus:
The joy of your world is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman
Yes the joy of your wwoorrlldd is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman

Verse 2:
After this rap I'll be in Napoli, happily
Proposing to my chosen under an apple tree
"Let's get married," I don't walk, I get carried
By a motorcade of voter-age women on rollerblades
In cute sleeveless shirts exposing their shoulder
blades
But I'm a lonely guy since my honeypie ran off with
Ione Skye
Now I've got nothing whatsoever, ugly-broke-arrogant,
but so clever
When I write rhymes on brown bags and in shower steam
Me and Paul are the power team
We'll leave you deflowered with a mouth full of sour
cream
Gobble this obelisk
"Paul Bar-Bar-Barman"

Chorus:
The joy of your world is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman
Yes the joy of your wwoorrlldd is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman

Verse 3:
My close pals, aunts, uncles, leaders, Nations, and
towns
Hamlets and neighboring islands, everyone
Landlords, bosses, and relatives, moms and newborns
Somehow when I act thirteen, I'm a virgin girl's
tractor beam
This one was dressed to kill from her head to my
testicle
She was from west of Phil-ly and spoke well of it
She said, "Just for the hell of it let's not be
celibate."
I got all higgledy piggledy, it's a big relief
When I take off my fig uh leaf
She said that, "Let's get at this" but her cat and an
unpotted cactus
Sat on her mattress
that sure made it saturated with sharp thorns and cat
piss
I put on a hiphop beat while she whipped off the
topsheet
She said, "Come to bed I like my undergrads underfed
They amaze how they stay up days on mayonnaise and
Wonderbread."
I dove in her cervix a lot like Sir Mixalot
This interlude is for the women I've interviewed about
the clitoris
and how to make it less hit-or-miss
Should we be gentle?, Is it all mental?
I won't use a dental dam 'cause it discurges
my urges to submerge in her jizz
She said, "My goodness you should juss use clues that's
nonverbal
You're too vigorous if my clitoris, for example, turns
purple"
It was time to copulate but we didn't want to populate
So my bold groin reached for my gold coin
proooophylactic
I unwrapped it, you can't know how I felt
It wasn't a gold coin condom, it was chocolate Chanukah
gelt
The white part crumbled on her tummy and the rest began
to melt
Foiled again.....

"It's a classic piece, It's a classic
piece,
It's a classic piece
We'd like to thank George for that and also Paauull
Bar-Bar-Barman,
Bar-Barman Barman-Barman-Barman, and also Paauull Bar-
Bar-Barman,
Bar-Bar-Barman, Paauull Bar-Bar-Barman, From Chapel
Hill
who made the contribution of 5 dollars
Thanks Charles, I mean pardon me Paul,
Charles took the pledge, No Doubt"