A TOOL THAT'LL FIX IT 

Its just a little biddy tool I've had since I was just a boy,
That me grandad taught me how to use bring other people joy,
Now I can fix most anything so just give me a call,
'Cause I've got a tool that'll fix it,
You say your motor ain't been runnin' like it should,
Ha, look well let me spend a little while underneath your hood,
And I'll just poke around in there until it's purrin' pretty good,
'Cause I've got a tool that'll fix it.

I've got a tool that'll fix it, bend and poke and twist it,
Just hold on the dipstick careful you don't get it all over yourself,
I've got a tool that'll fix it, I won't quit until I've licked it
Yes ma'am, I've got a tool that'll fix.

And your love life's in the dark now since they cut off your supply,
And them batteries and candles only last a little while,
Look, just let me plug it right here and brighten up your night,
'Cause I've got a tool that'll fix it,
And your garden's neat and tended ain't been touched now for a
while,
And your bush has been neglected used to be so damn fertile,
And I'll bet you them there melons ain't been squeezin' out for a
while
Look well, I've got a tool that'll fix it.

I've got a tool that'll fix it, bend and poke and twist it,
Just hold on to the hose careful you don't get yourself too wet,
I've got a tool that'll fix it, I won't quit until I've locked it
Yes ma'am, I've got a tool that'll fix it.

And your plummin's gettin' rusty and your 'bout to burst a pipe,
And you have to take cold showers, 'cause no one stokes the fire,
And that dirty water's backin' up well look, I know what's required,
'Cause I've got a tool that'll fix it,
So if you need a little service just call 'Anytime At All',
I'll hammer it poke it screw it, even bang it against the wall
And I'll redecorate your decor, and keep you nice and warm
'Cause I've got a tool that'll fix it.

I've got a tool that'll fix it, bend and poke and twist it,
Just rest your little hand on it and I'll see what we can do,
I've got a tool that'll fix it, I won't quit until I've licked it
Yes ma'am, I've got a tool that'll fix it.

You bet ya ha I've got a tool that'll fix it.

Look at this, I've got a tool that'll fix it.

BALI BELLY SONG 

ten days in bali, got four days to go
ten days of terror cos im glued to the throne,And im
shittin' in litres and firin' both ends,i'll never shit
solid again.

And its cost me a fortune for this holiday, stead of
pissin' it up, christ, im shittin' it away.
cause im glued to the loo while my mates are out
ragin', i'll never shit solid again.

I'll never shit solid again,
or hold anything down for aslong as i live, cause me
arse is jammed open from freckle fatigue, i'll never
shit solid again.

I called mum back home, she sed mix up a cup. of
cornflour and gravox to thicken it up, then she pissed
her self laughin and hung up the phone, i'll never shit
solid again.

Just had a crap and im wipin me ring, havent quite
finished, start spewin' again, Jesus, hope i remember
to use the right hand, i'll never shit solid again.

i'll never shit solid again, so i'll rig up a faucet to
stick up me ring, at least wen i fart i wont splatter
me jeans, i'll never shit solid again.

I'm doin' cartwheels as i try to guess, a crap or a
chunder- christ whats comin' next, will it spray
through me fingers or run down me leg, i'll never shit
solid agen.

slipped on some shit a foot thick on the floor, skid
arse over tit, then i spewed a bit more, Now i gotta
sift through it cause me denture fell in, i'll never
shit solid agen.

I'll never shit solid again, me rings hangin' out n me
guts have caved in, i'll be buried in a bucket and me
mates will all sing- "he'll never shit solid again"

BUTTER FACE 

She got legs all the way to heaven,
She got a tan from paradise,
She got jewellery from Tiffany's
She got class and grace and style.

Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face,
She got it all goin' on right there,
From the tips of her toes to the nape of her neck,
Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face.

She got it all goin' on down under,
Could'a been a bikini queen,
She got moves that'll make you try and suck yourself off,
Best body I've ever seen.

Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face,
She got it all goin' on right there,
From the tip of her toes to the nape of her neck,
Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face.

She got hips that'll hypnotise ya,
She got tits that are temptin' man,
Give the poor ol' pope a hard-on,
Make the statue cum in his pants.

Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face,
She got it all goin' on right there,
From the tips of her toes to the nape of her neck,
Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face.

So if I ever get to heaven,
And I reach them pearly gates,
I'm gonna thank god for almost gettin' it right,
Jesus butter face.

Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face,
She got it all goin' on right there,
From the tips of her toes to the nape of her neck,
Butter face, a-call-me-baby butter face.

A-call-me-baby butter face.

A-call-me-baby butter face.

ME BEER'S CUT OFF 

Now listen, you can't throw me out,
I'm gonna turn around,
I'm gonna turn around once and I'm goin' back in again,
No no no, not the wedgie throw,
Just put me down and let me go,
You got me dacks up me crack
And you're crushin' me sack,
Whoa brother, I do...I don't want a fight,
Why don't you just gimme five,
Come on give me five dollars and I'll forget you're a cunt.

Hey hey hey, you're in me way,
Big fat bastard,
I'm not crazy but the way you removed me,
Spewin', my beer's cut off.

No no no, 'cause it broke,
Comin' back in,
So don't be a cunt and let me finish me drink,
Spewin', my beer's cut off.

Whoa brother, what have I done?
Little bit'a vomit never hurt anyone,
It wasn't me that shit me pants it was some other cunt,
Fuckin' hell, don't you ever give up?
Now you're pickin' on me mate and you're startin' to piss me off,
You're startin' to piss me off so go and get fucked.

Hey hey hey, you're in my way,
Big fat bastard
And I'm not crazy but the way you removed me,
Spewin', my beer's cut off.

No no no, 'cause it broke
Gonna come back in,
So don't be a cunt and let me finish me drink,
Spewin', my beer's cut off.

Now listen, no really fuckin' listen,
Yeah I'm gonna turn around,
I'm gonna turn around once and I'm goin' back in again,
Hey hey hey, you're in me way,
Big fat bastard
And I'm not crazy but the way you removed me,
Spewin', my beer's cut off.

No no no, 'cause it broke,
Look I'm gonna go back in
So don't be a cunt and let me finish me drink!
Spewin', my beer's cut off.

Spewin', my beer's cut off.

Spewin', my beer's cut off.

Spewin', my beer's cut off.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

MEAN LEAN LOVIN' MACHINE 

Im a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs,
Me dipstick's dribblin' ol' sump oil and me rear end's up on blocks,
I got a crank start every mornin', oh, but I still do the job,
'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs.

I used to be a hotrod once, a hundred miles an hour,
But speed and Crome ain't where it's at, I got it worked out now,
'Cause women like us old vintage jobs we're comfortable and strong,
And the thing that they look forward to is the right takes twice as
long.

'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs,
Me dipstick's dribblin' ol' sump oil and me rear end's up on blocks,
I got a crank start every mornin', ah but I still do the job,
'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs.

No need to read my speedos, to see I've done some miles,
Been bashed and bent on bumpy roads but I still give good rides,
All I need is a little old lady, and lots of TLC,
Get underneath and get a little dirty, and do a little work on me.

'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs,
Me dipstick's dribblin' ol' sump oil and me rear end's up on blocks,
I got a crank start every mornin', but I still do the job,
'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs.

I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs,
Me dipstick's dribblin' ol' sump oil and me rear end's up on blocks.
I got a crank start every mornin', oh, but I still do the job.
'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs.

I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs,
Me dipstick's dribblin' ol' sump oil and me rear end's up on blocks,
I got a crank start every mornin', but I still do the job,
'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs.

I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs,
Me dipstick's dribblin' ol' sump oil and me rear end's up on blocks,
I got a crank start every mornin', ah but I still do the job,
'Cause I'm a mean lean lovin' machine with a couple'a rusty cogs.

OUT OF BOUNDS 

Billy Brownless is one'a my heroes, a far dinkum footy legend,
But he's puttin' on a little bit'a puddin' in the middle now his six pack's
turned into a keg,
And if Billy was an inch or two taller, I'm bettin' he'd be perfectly
round,
And if he stood out there in the center square his gut'd be out'a
bounds.

Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Billy's big fat belly'd be out'a bounds,
He's the very same height when he's standin' up, as he is when he's
layin' down,
And did you know that they've given him his own postcode 'cause his
at gut's out of bounds.
(As the bounce Brownless goes up cling position he's clearly out'a
bounds).

Sammy Newman used to play a bit of footy, and I'm told that he
weren't half bad,
He could run like the wind and fly like a bird but he had to give it up
and that's sad,
But it weren't a bung knee or a hammy, that brung our Sammy down,
But when he stood out there in the center square his gob was out'a
bounds.

Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Sammy's north and south was out'a bounds,
He's had a whole heap'a panel beatin' done, but they forgot to stitch
up his mouth,
With a nip-nip here and a tuck-tuck there his gob's still out'a bounds.
(Newman nobody near him, I can't believe it he's out'a bounds).

Eddie McGuire's doin' alright, everything he touched turns to gold,
He brung Hollywood to Collingwood, and a stash'a cash I'm told,
'Who wants to be a millionaire?' was the word that got around,
But when he stood out there in the center square his wallet was out'a
bounds.

Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Eddie's big fat wallet's out'a bounds,
And watch out Ed now that ol' Lang's dead now Rose is sniffin'
around,
Just tell her that you don't do ugly mate, and you're wallet's, out'a
bounds.
(Get to the other side McGuire goes very high he's crashed to the
turf, it's ok he's landed on his wallet).

So there you go I bagged Billy and Sam and don't forget Eddie and
Rose,
And I'd hate to think I left anybody out, so that just leaves me I
suppose,
But I only ever played, Aussie Rules once and they had to take me
off the ground,
'Cause you wouldn't believe the part'a me that they reckon was out'a
bounds.

Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Out'a bounds, (out'a bounds)
Me medal winnin' weddin' tackle was out'a bounds,
With two great hairy love spuds, draggin' along the ground,
Don't want nobody trippin' over the bastard 'cause me weddin'
tackle's out'a bounds.

And Billy Sam and Ed are just a bit pissed off 'cause me weddin'
tackle's out'a bounds.

And I bet they wouldn't mind a cluster like mine 'cause me weddin'
tackle's out'a bounds.

(I've never seen this before Wilson has been penalised with running
himself. Ah that is pure Wilson magic)

ROOTIN' IN THE BACK OF THE UTE 

It's Saturday afternoon and I'm horny
And I don't wanna get on the booze
And I don't wanna go and watch the footy
Cos my team will most probably lose... again!

I don't wanna drink with your brothers
Cos I remember the last time I did
I woke up the next morning in the gutter
They pinched my watch and busted two of my ribs

Like I said I'm feelin' a bit frisky
So I'll tell ya what we orta
Bang some sangers and some tinnies in the esky
And go rootin' in the back of the ute

Rootin' in the back of the ute
On a blanket with the tailgate down
Coupla cans and a vegemite sandwich
And go rootin' in the back of the ute

But if you wanna go to a party
You better go with somebody else
Cos the last time I went to a party, it was a barbie
I got pissed and made a c#*t of meself

And if you're not feeling that horny
And if you don't wanna join in on the fun
And if you don't feel like a naughty
Just lay there while I have it on

I've got a Saturday arvo whoppin' hard on
So I'll tell ya what we orta do
Head for the scrub and rip our gear off
And go rootin' in the back of the ute

Rootin' in the back of the ute
On a blanket with the tailgate down
Coupla cans and a vegemite sandwich
And go rootin' in the back of the ute

Rootin' in the back of the ute
On a blanket with the tailgate down
Coupla cans and a vegemite sandwich
And go rootin' in the back of the ute

Rootin' in the back of the ute
On a blanket with the tailgate down
Head down to the beach
And charge a dollar each
To watch us rootin' in the back of the ute

Rootin' in the back of the ute
On a blanket with the tailgate down
Head down to the beach
And charge a dollar each
To watch us rootin' in the back of the ute

TAKE IT LIKE A MAN 

She said thank you
for the brand new super duper dildo
super duper dildo
you say that its the biggest one they had
super duper dildo
well im PMT and if thats meant for me
then theres been a change of plans
so bend over and take it like a man

she said bend over
and take it like a man
super duper dildo
lets share the pleasure darling
let me show how much I care
so spread those hairy butt cheeks in the air
super duper dildo
and bend over and take it like a man

What do you reackon girls, yeah?
Get's better

She said, gonna thank you
With the brand new super duper dildo
super duper dildo
with you tied spread eagle face down on the bed
super duper dildo
and ive bolted it on to the black and decker
so lift your ass up in the air
and bend over and take it like a man

she said bend over
and take it like a man
super duper dildo
lets share the pleasure darling
let me show how much I care
so spread those hairy butt cheeks in the air
super duper dildo
and bend over and take it like a man

She said so thank you
for the brand new super duper dildo
super duper dildo
As she dunked in the jar
beside the bed
super duper dildo
Was that KY gel or jelly sauce
I could not give a damn
Just bend over and take it like a man

she said bend over
and take it like a man
super duper dildo
lets share the pleasure darling
let me show how much I care
so spread those hairy butt cheeks in the air
super duper dildo
and bend over and take it like a man
super duper dildo
and bend over and take it like a man
super duper dildo
Girls all together
Just bend over and take it like a maaaaaaaaan
super duper dildo
YES!

TATTOO OF SANTA 

He was a rebel
And an outlaw
And an outcast
But I never saw him do nobody harm

The rumor was he'd spent some time in prison
He told me he'd been working on a farm
But he always had us kids around for Christmas
And he'd always find a present for us all

And he'd always give us rides on the back of his Harley
Weren't for him, there'd be no Christmas time at all

He had a Harley all in pieces in his kitchen
and bits of other bikes out in his yard
an eagle and a skull and cross bone tattooed on his
arms
and a big tattoo of Santa on his heart

he was regarded pretty much as a loner
and we all wondered if he'd family of his own
but I don't remember seeing any photos
at Christmas when he'd open up his home

he had this funny little pot plant in the corner
that he'd dress up just like a Christmas tree
and the laughter from us kids
at the silly things he did
like them tiny bits of tinsel in his beard

He had a Harley all in pieces in his kitchen
and bits of other bikes out in his yard
an eagle and a skull and cross bone tattooed on his
arms
and a big tattoo of Santa on his heart

Looking back I often wonder where he'd be now
or even if he's still around at all
and if he still takes in kids
but wherever he is,
it's coz of him I still believe in Santa Claus

And today I took my own kid to meet Santa
and after all these years he hasn't changed at all
except his hair's a little whiter
and he's put on a bit more middle
Oh, but the laughter of them kids just said it all

Bet there's a Harley all in pieces in his kitchen
and bits of other bikes out in his yard
an eagle and a skull and cross bone tattooed on his
arms
and a big tattoo of Santa on his heart

bet there's a Harley all in pieces in his kitchen
and bits of other bikes out in his yard
an eagle and a skull and cross bone tattooed on his
arms
and a big tattoo of Santa on his heart

Bet there's a big tattoo of Santa on his heart

THE FIRST SIX ROWS 

They said I sounded just like Elvis, when I was still at school,
It's time I sang an Elvis song I'd make the sheilas screw,
I'd curl a my lips and check a my hips and crum off my guitar,
And as a sat there I won't tell 'em west I'd really kick some ass
But it was a little boy scout, down the street from us,
But when I closed my eyes I'd seen the Sydney Oprah House,
The kids all on their push bikes there and peddlin' to their chicks,
But they all pissed off right up the back when I stood up to sing.

And I thought how come no cunt sits in the first six rows'a chairs?
They screech and stomp and scream for more but the first six rows
are bare,
They all ask for concerts souvenirs and lockets of me hair
So how come no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs.

So I changed me style to western, Saint Williams and all that,
Just the rear gestionmn, and western's where I'm at,
I bought meself a satin shirt and sparklin' rhinestone suit,
And half a dozen frangers just in case I scored some roots,
Then I shot through from the city and I stormed the country towns,
And sang with Natal Nuances just to get that western sound,
I sang picture shows and fitness camps and even shearin' sheds,
And each time I come on stage to sing Jesus stuff me dead.

How come no cunt sits in the first six rows'a chairs?
They clap and whistle all me songs but the first six rows are bare,
I sweat and shave and bare me soul but still can't understand,
How come no cunt ever sits, in the first six rows'a chairs?

It was fate I suppose that changed things, some might say it's luck,
'Cause me tonsils and me adenoids and me sinuses start playin' up,
And I thought Jesus Christ almighty how's a bloke supposed to sing?
And I sound like Willie Nelson, and the band start pourin' in,
And I started my own concert at the Sydney Oprah House,
The roar'a the grease paint the smell'a the crowd Jesus it was grace,
'Cause the audience went crazy and I'm a star now and I'm rich,
So I don't give a fuckin' rat's ass where the bastards sit.

And I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs,
A sold out sign in every show so I don't really care,
'Cause we sell umbrellas now with me records and cassettes,
And I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs.

No I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs,
Special mantinades every Saturday so I don't really care,
We sell gumboots and sell weskers with me records and cassettes
And I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs.

No I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs,
'Cause I signed meself a contract with them cunts at CBS,
They sell flippers marks and snorkel fuck the records and cassettes,
And I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs.

No I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs,
With all this extra merchandising I'm a millionaire,
I've got a Rolls Royce in me shadow what the wife has fixed inside
And I don't care if no cunt sits, in the first six rows'a chairs.