THE LAST LAGER WALTZ 

Is this bloody thing on?
If I can have your attention please, uh,
Gentlemen would you like to select your partners for the last dance
of the evening, thank you.

I'm tryin' to waltz and I can't even walk,
I'm wrecked I'm a mess and, can hardly talk,
Two steps to the south and three to the north,
Doin' the last lager waltz.

Saturday night and I'm legless again,
A bottle of bundy and doo-dahs and can,
But the hoonoon and boozin' are nearin' an end,
And we're down to the last lager waltz.

One two three one two three *burp*
Excuse me please, full as a fart, doin' the last lager waltz.

Better of for a slash for the end of the dance,
Then again I might sit here and just piss me pants,
But I done that already so I'll go to the gents
While the band plays the last lager waltz.

One two three one two three, "aaaaggghhh!"
Wrong dunny, you meet some more sheilas and bikes at the last
lager waltz.

I'm back from out back and I'm back in the hall,
But everyone's starin' as I cross the floor,
Better zip meself up before he catches a cold,
And get on with the last lager waltz.

One two three one two three, hang it in there,
Please I'm pullin' it in, while I'm doin' the last lager waltz.

Just settled down but I'm off again quick,
And head back out back, 'cause I'm gonna be sick,
The room's spinnin' and turnin' I'm puttin'.....oh shit,
I'm chucking the last lager waltz.

One two three one two three,
Jeez don't step on the pies and the cakes in the last lager waltz.

I can't recall how but I'm here in the yard,
Oops sorry mate did I chuck on your car?
I really didn't think I'd chunder that far,
That's pretty good for the last lagers waltz.

One two three one two three,
He hit me, you shouldn't drink if you get nasty at the last lager waltz.

I'm tryin' to crawl 'cause I can't even walk,
Me mouth is all swollen and me ribs are all sore,
I've never had this much fun before
It's great at the last lager waltz.

One two three one two three,
Think I'll go to sleep, yes curl up right here and dream of the last
lager waltz.

I'm tryin' to waltz, and I can't even walk,
I'm wrecked, I'm a mess and me lips are all sore,
Two steps to the south, and three to the north,
And we're doin' the last lager waltz.

WHEN YOU'RE STONED 

You're gonna like this one, you ready? One two three four.

If it works when you're stoned then it works,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works.

If you get friendly when you're stoned I don't mind,
If you get real friendly girly so do I,
So we'll just have another puff and we'll kick our Levi's on
'Cause if you get friendly when you're stoned bloody ripper.

And if it works when you're stoned then it works,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works. Listen to this.

If you get horny when you're stoned that's ok,
If you get real horny when you're stoned then that's great,
So we'll just let it play our minds and you can blow me one more time
If you get hirny when you're stoned I don't mind.

'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works. Here's another
one.

If you feel like gettin' stoned raise your hand,
If you feel like gettin' stoned give us a yell,
If you feel like gettin' stoned and you don't wanna get stoned alone
Let me know raise your hand give a little yell.

'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works, come join me,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works.

If you wanna party when you're stoned raise a little hell,
If you wanna party when you're stoned give me a yell,
If you wanna party when you're stoned we're never ever goin' home
If you wanna party when you're stoned give us a yell.

'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works. By yourself.

If it (works when you're stoned then it works,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works).

If it works when you're stoned then it works,
If it hurts when you're stoned then it hurts,
If you're happy all the time you'll be happy when you're high
'Cause if it works when you're stoned then it works.

Yeah and if it works when you're stoned then it works.

YOU CAN NEVER FIND ONE (WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM COL ELLIOT) 

The pubs have closed it's pissin' down the street lights just went out,
And you're trippin' over potholes stickin' up out'a the ground,
You called a cab an hour ago but still it hasn't come,
You can never find a taxi when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (not fuckin' likely)
It's only when you're nearly home you ever fuckin' see one
But you can never find a taxi when you need one.

So you start to walk through wind and rain to find your own way
home
But you get bashed and kicked and mugged and robbed and left
there on your own,
Then the cops turn up and knock you up for bein' fuckin' drunk,
You can never find a copper when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (hello dickhead)
It's only when you're in the shit you ever fuckin' see one
But you can never find a copper when you need one.

Or you try to do the right thing and go campin' with the kids,
To show 'em all about the bush and teach 'em things you did,
Then thirty tourist coaches turn up full'a japs and yanks,
You can never find a crocodile when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (yummy yummy yummy)
The bastards all went swimmin' too but fucked if I could see one,
You can never find a crocodile when you need one.

The kids have lost your tent and torch and all the stuff you took,
Then they pinch your matches light a fire and burn down half the
bush,
Then one gets crook and one gets lost the other wants his mom,
You can never find a dingo when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one (ahooooooo)
It's times like this you wish to Christ that you could fuckin' feed one
But you can never find a dingo when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (the dingo's got me esky)
Cabs and cops and crocodiles and even fuckin' dingos
You can never find the bastards when you need one.