"Make Believe"

   
(J.Kern & O.Hammerstein II)

We could make believe I love you
Only make believe that you love me
Others find peace of mind in pretending
Couldn't you? Couldn't I? Couldn't we?
Make believe our lips are blending
In a phantom kiss, or two, or three
Might as well make believe I love you
For to tell the truth
I only tell the truth
This time I'll tell the truth
I do!

"I Had Myself A True Love"

   
I had myself a true love
A true love who was something to see
I had myself a true love
At least that's what I kept on telling me
The first thing in the morning
I still try to think of a way to be with him
Some part of the evening
And that's the way I live through the day

I had myself a true love, but now he's gone
And left me for good
The Lord knows I've done heard those back yard
Whispers going 'round the neighborhood
There maybe a lot of things I miss
A lot of things I don't know
But I do know this, now I ain't got no love
And once upon a time I had a true love
In the evening, in the doorway
While I stand there and wait for his coming
With the house swept and the clothes hung,
In a pot on the stove there's a hot meal
Where is he while I waste the rising newel?
Where is he? Why'd he gone so soon?
Now there ain't no way that it used to be, what now?
And everybody keeps telling me
There are may be a lot of things I miss
A lot of things I don't know
But I do know this now...
I ain't got no love
And once upon a time I had a true love.

"If A Girl Isn't Pretty"

   
FUNNY GIRL is the life of vaudeville comedienne Fanny Brice (1891-1951),
starting in 1910. Actually the show starts after she has become a success
on stage and flashes back to her origins. It opens in Fanny's dressing room.
She is waiting for her husband, Nick Arnstein, to return after being in prison.
She looks back to when she was a 19-year old hopeful. Her mother's poker
buddies think she's wasting her life trying to break into show business.

[Mrs. Strakosh:]
Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter--
especially the male element--they want something to look at!

If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
All she gets in life
Is pity and a pat.

[Mrs. Brice:]
Is a nose with deviation
Such a crime against the nation?
Should I throw her into jail
Or drown the cat?

[Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:]
She must shine in ev'ry detail
Like a ring you're buying retail,
Be a standard size that
Fits a standard dress.

[Mrs. Strakosh:]
When a girl's incidentals
Are no bigger than two lentils

[Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:]
Then to me that doesn't spell success.


Fanny auditions for Keeney's Music Hall but Keeney kicks
her out of the chorus because she doesn't look like the
others. Eddie Ryan, dance director for Keeney, agrees:

[Eddie:]
If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She should dump the stage
And try another route.
Any guy who pays a quarter
For a seat just feels he oughter
See a figger that his wife can't
Substitute.

Kid, my heart ain't made of marble
But your rhythm's really horr'ble
And that map of yours just ain't no
Valentine.
Everything you got's about right,
But the damn thing don't come out right
So forget it, kid,
And just resign.

[Chorus:]
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
She should get a job,
Go get a job--
Get any job
Get a weekly pay,
'Cause if a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.

"I'm The Greatest Star"

   
Fanny waits for Eddie to come out of the theatre and
tries to explain that she doesn't fit into the chorus
because she's got star potential.

[Fanny:]
Listen,
I've got thirty-six expressions--
Sweet as pie to tough as leather,
And that's six expressions more
Than all them Barrymores put together.
Instead of just kicking me
Why don't they give me a lift?
It must be a plot,
'Cause they're scared that I got
Such a gift--well, I'm miffed--'cause
I'm the greatest star--
I am by far, but no one knows it!
Wait, they're gonna hear a voice,
A silver flute--ah hah, ah hah--
They'll cheer each toot
(Yay! She's terrific!)
When I expose it!
Now, can't you see to look at me
That I'm a nach'ral Camille?
As Camille I just feel
I've so much to offer.
Kid, I know I'd be divine because
I'm a nach'ral cougher.
(coughs)
Some ain't got it--not a lump,
I'm a great big clump of talent!
Laugh!
They'll bend in half.
(Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman?)
A thousand jokes:
Stick around for the jokes,
A thousand faces.
I reiterate,
When you're gifted,
Then you're gifted,
These are facts--I got no axe to grind.
Hey, what are they--blind?
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest star!
Who is the pip with piz-azz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American Beauty rose
With an American Beauty nose,
And ten American Beaty toes,
Eyes on the target, and wham--
One shot, one gun shot and bam!
Hey, Mr. Ziegfeld, here I am!
I'm the greatest star,
I am by far,
But no one knows it!
That's why I was born--
I'll blow my horn
Till someone blows it!
I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker, then flare up
All the world's gonna stare up
Lookin' down
You'll never see me--
Try the sky,
'Cause that'll be me.
I can make 'em cry,
I can make 'em sigh,
Someday they'll clamor
For my dram-er.
Have you guessed yet,
Who's the best yet?
If you ain't I'll tell you one more time.
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest, greatest star!

"Cornet Man"

   
Fanny convinces Eddie she has talent and he
agrees to teach her the specialty for the next
audition. She gets the job.

[Fanny:]
Well--
I just put the kids to sleep
And swept the shack,
Took my sweet man's satchel down
And watched him pack,
I said, "Darlin', while the stove still smolders,
Unpin your woman's hair and rub her shoulders."
I threw myself across the doorway
Beggin', "Stay, sweet man, stay,"
But there's more in my man's life
Than this old hag.
It's Jelly Roll Morton, and a shiny cornet,
And jazzin' the rag!
The lady ain't been born
Can take the place of a horn,
With a cornet man.
A-goin' where there's blowin',
Trav'lin' cornet man.
Just anytime they call him
He'll leave his wife and kiddies
Sittin' with their tongues out
To play for peanuts in a dive
And blow his lungs out.
He'll hop a choo-choo on a moment's notice
To play some dates with Billy Bates
Or Rag-time Otis!
The lady ain't see light
Can give a horn a fair fight
With a cornet man
A rootin', shootin', ever-tootin' Dapper Dan
Who carries in his satchel
A powder-blue Norfolk suit,
A silver-plated wah-wah mute,
There is whiskey, gamblin'--each one is a curse,
But I'm up against a devil that's worse.
Yes, a horn is my thorn,
My trav'lin' cornet man!
Kill yourself! Tell me about it! Yeah! Yeah!

A powder-blue Norfolk suit,
I said a silver-plated wah-wah mute,
Oh, he's shy on height,
He's short on weight,
But he's the only man can make my coffee perculate,
A Dapper Dan,
My cornet-playin' man.

After the performance, Nick Arnstein comes backstage,
elegant in formal dress, to pay off a gambling debt to Keeney.
Nick has seen the show and tells Fanny she's going to be a
big star some day. Fanny asks how much Keeney is paying her,
and Nick manages to jack up her salary by pretending to bid on
behalf of a competitor. He gives her his card and kisses her hand.
Eddie asks Fanny out for a date, but she only wants to be friends;
already she has fallen for Nick, but imagines she'll never see him
again.

"Who Taught Her Everything?"

   
Months later, Fanny has had a telegram from Florenz Ziegfeld;
Eddie suspects it's a job offer. Eddie and Mrs. Brice fantasize
as they help Fanny get ready for this interview:


[Mrs. Brice:]
Eddie, the Ziegfeld Follies!
Now she belongs to the ages!
My work is done,
My work is done,

[Eddie:]
Our work is done,
She doesn't need us,
She'll have cake,
We'll have crumbs.
Be careful of the stage door,
Here she comes, here she comes.
Hello, Fanny, hello.

[Mrs. Brice:]
Hello, Fanny--it's me--Mama.
What do you mean--Mama who?

[Eddie:]
It's good to see her . . . from afar,


[Mrs. Brice:]
I lost a daughter but I gained a star.

[Eddie:]
That's Broadway!
And
Who taught her ev'rything she knows?
I taught her ev'rything she knows--
She sings like a bird--
(Whistles)
Yes, indeed!
But who used to stand there
And feed her the seed?
Who taught her how to pick her clothes?
[Mrs. Brice:]
Eddie, that I did.
[Eddie:]
Yeah, but who taught her her how to tap her toes?
But will she admit it?
Kid, you said it.
They all forget they know ya
When it comes to credit.
Tell me have you ever seen her take this pose?
I taught her ev'rything--
How to hoof,
And how to sing,
I taught her ev'rything she knows.
[Mrs. Brice:]
Wait, Eddie--she'll blame us yet.
Who taught her ev'rything she knows?
[Eddie:]
Let me hear it, Rosie.
[Mrs. Brice:]
I taught her ev'rything she knows.
[Eddie:]
Ain't it the truth!
[Mrs. Brice:]
That mischievous smile,
The devil may care,
You don't pull
Such mannerisms
Out of the air.
The men who are older might prefer
The original manufactur-er.
[Both:]
It hurts me to say it,
But why not be fair--
When you see her on the stage
You're seein' me there.
[Mrs. Brice:]
She still has trouble executin' one of those,
[Eddie:]
If they could have paid the price,
They'd have hired Rosie Brice,
[Mrs. Brice:]
Who stands after every show
Sellin' matches in the snow.
[Eddie:]
But in the world of grease paint,
That's the way it goes.
[Both:]
We taught her everything--
How to hoof and how to sing,
We taught her how to wack
A joke from here to Hackensack--ya, ha, ha, ha!
We taught her everything,
We taught her ev'rything she knows.

"His Love Makes Me Beautiful"

   
Fanny is now part of the Ziegfeld Follies. She tells
Florenz Ziegfeld she doesn't want to be in the finale
because she finds the lyrics inappropriate but
Ziegfeld insists.

[Tenor:]
For better or for worse, "Oh Promise Me,"
Why does ev'ry bride glow ravishingly?
Within the secret heart of ev'ry bride
These are the words repeating, repeating,
Repeating inside: (Bing, bong, bing, bong)
You are the beautiful reflection
Of his love's affection,
A walking illustration
Of his adoration

His love makes you beautiful,
So beautiful,
So beautiful,
You ask your looking glass,
What is it?
Makes you so exquisite?
The answer to your query
Comes back, dearie--
His love makes you beautiful,
So beautiful,
So beautiful,
And woman loved is woman glorified!
You'll make a beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful bride!
[Chorus:]
Here comes the bride,
Another beautiful bride.
Ziegfeld presents her
With justifiable pride.


Fanny enters with a pillow stuffed under her bridal gown
so that she appears pregnant.

[Fanny:]
I am the beautiful reflection
Of my love's affection,
A walking illustration
Of his adoration.
His love makes me beautiful,
So beautiful,
So beautiful,
[Tenor:]
And woman loved is woman glorified--
[Fanny:]
I'll make a beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful--
I'm beautiful? Oy!
[Chorus:]
You are so beautiful,
You are so beautiful,
You are so beautiful,
[Tenor:]
Such a beautiful bride.

"I Want To Be Seen With You Tonight"

   
Afterwards, Ziegfeld is angry but agrees she was right
to go for the comedy. Nick Arnstein comes backstage
and wants to escort Fanny out to celebrate her opening night.
Fanny would love to go out with Nick but she's obligated to
appear at a party at her mother's saloon; she invites Nick
and he accepts.

[Nick:]
I want to be seen, be seen with you,
With you on my arm,
To wear you like a charm,
Your glitter decorating my arm.
Now, natch'rally such proximity
Gives rumors a rise,
We'll let them analyze
What our amalgamation implies.
Oh yes,
The gossips will press,
So willing to stress
The seamy side--
Know what?
So what!
I want to be seen, be seen with you,
With you on my arm.
Let's give this town a light,
And hit it like a me-te-or-ite-- tonight.
I want to be seen with you.
[Fanny:]
The moon over mother's saloon,
Have a nice macaroon
I'll buy you a light beer.
[Nick:]
Right, dear.
[Both:]
I want to be seen, be seen with you,
[Nick:]
With you on my arm.
Let's give this town a light
And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--
[Both:]
Tonight--I want to be seen with,
[Nick:]
Oh, please let me be seen with,
[Fanny:]
And I would like to be seen with
[Both:]
I want to be seen with you.

"Henry Street"

   
Rose Brice's Saloon on Henry Street is the center
of a block party decorated with banners congratulating
Fanny. The neighbors and party guests all sing:

[All:]
Henry Street,
No, it ain't Broadway, it's Henry Street.
Way after midnight
Lit up as bright as a lighthouse
Brighter tonight than the White House.
[Boys:]
We're proud to tell you that C.P.A.'s
We got in dozens, and lawyers, take your choice.
Messes and messes of young D.D.-esses,
A looney who teaches voice,
[Girls:]
Ah, ha, ha, ha--
[All:]
Henry Street has something it ain't had so far:
The greatest, most glamorous, genuine, glorified
Ziegfeld star.
We're proud to tell you that C.P.A.'s
We got in dozens, and lawyers, take your choice.
Messes and messes of young D.D.-esses,
A looney who teaches voice,
Ah, ha, ha, ha--
Henry Street has something it ain't had so far:
The greatest, most glamorous, genuine, glorified
Ziegfeld star.

"People (From Funny Girl)"

   
Fanny and Nick steal a private moment
at the party and discover they are both
a little lonely. Fanny sings:

We travel single-oh
Maybe we're lucky, but I don't know--
With them,
Just let one kid fall down
And seven mothers faint.
I guess we're both happy, but maybe--
We ain't.
People--people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world,
We're children, needing other children
And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than children.

Lovers are very special people,
They're the luckiest people
In the world.
With one person, one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you were half,
Now you're whole.
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person
Who needs people.
People who need people
Are the luckiest people
In the world!

Nick has to leave the party early because
he's going to Kentucky the next day but
promises to call Fanny when he returns
to New York.