"Never Do Anything"

Wiped out down the stairs
I'll bet you there's a song in there
I'm not sure I'm prepared to write it down
That guy should be me
I'd look much better on t.v.
Then the world would see
That I can do anything

I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything

Let's play tic tac toe
I'll play X, you can be the O.
Thoughts of turning pro
Have crossed my mind
I could make a mint
Fill my pockets with more than lint
I'll give you a hint
It involves the "internet"

I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything
I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything

Don't write me off as an also ran
Just mark me down as an angry man
Got a big chip, you want a fat lip?
How 'bout a mouthful of Chiclets?
Life passed me by, but it's not my fault
I'll lick my wounds, could you pass the salt?
I can be that, but soon you'll see that
I will never do anything

If I were the king
All my subjects they would dance and sing
They could kiss my ring
And kiss my ass
When I'm old and grey
I'll look back on my life and say
"Give me one more day,
And I'll still never do anything."

I can be that
but soon you'll see that
I will never do anything
I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything
I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything
I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything

"Pinch Me"

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess.
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone..,

[S] Hi folks this is Steven Page.
[T] This is Tyler Stewart.
[S] We're two members of Barenaked Ladies, and although you *thought*
you were downloading our new single,
what you're actually downloading is an advertisement for our new album 'Maroon',
comes out September 12th,
and after that point I'm sure you can download lots
of stuff from our record but until then you're just going to get lots of stuff with us bugging you.
[T] We fooled you, huh? We're sneaky like that...you can never trust a Canadian.
Next thing you know, we'll be supplying your natural resources!

...then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on.
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

[T] Hello? Hi? H-? Hello? If you just- Would you- Could-
Could you please leave a m- Ah. If you'd just let me leave a -
At the sound of the - Uh. Ah. Thanks.

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Pinch Me
Pinch Me
Cos I'm still asleep.
Please God
Tell Me
That I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I Packed a car and leave this town
Who'll notice that I'm not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say 'underwear'
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway.
It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

[S] If you're listening? We're trying to get our song on Napster,
but we don't know how to do it....errr....we're Barenaked Ladies
and we're trying to....Ty? Can you just press that over there?

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Try to figure out what all this is for.

"Go Home"

Well let me tell you if you're feeling alone,
Instead of whining and moaning,
Just get on the phone, tell her you're coming home
If you need, you should be there
If you scream in your sleep, or collapse in a heap
And spontaneously weep, then you know you're in deep
If you need her, you should be there
Go Home

There's nothing better than affairs of the heart
To make you feel so good then tear you apart
Make up your mind and stick it out or start again

You can't imagine what an effort it takes
When you make a mistake
And you know in the wake that a heart's going to break
If you need her, you should be there
If you're flummoxed and flushed
And your heartbeat is rushed
Then get out of the slush, tell your dog team to mush
If you need her, you should be there
Go Home

If you think of her as Joan of Arc
She's burning for you, get your car out of park
If you think of her as Catherine the Great
Then you should be the horse to help her meet her fate
If you need her, you should be there,
Go Home

You can't believe it, but it's true
She's given everything to you
Now take a moment to be sure
Before you give it all to her

Well now you're thinking that it's over at last,
All your woes in the past
But you've got to be fast; put your foot on the gas
If you need her, you should be there
so now you're out from under the gun
And it's over and done
I won't spoil all the fun but if you ever wonder
She'll be there if you need her
Go Home

If you're lucky to be one of the few
To find somebody who can tolerate you
Then I shouldn't have to tell you again
Just pack your bags and get yourself on a plane
If you need her, you should be there
Go Home
If you need her, you should be there
Go Home

"Falling For The First Time"

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

"Conventioneers"

You walked into the room
And the whole place stopped to notice
Standing next to you, I feel hopeless and you know this
I've never been ashamed of my attraction
I'd be happy if you gave me just a fraction
As we danced, I could see in your eyes
You and me as senior citizens in love

I followed your perfume out away from all the rabble
Right up to your room for a drink and travel Scrabble
You, stationed in the warm glow of the t.v.
Too patient as I'm playing L(1)O(1)V(4)E(1)

And we laugh...and we laugh...and we laugh
And we have to or we'll end up in the bath

Now we're in the bath, I'm already thinking marriage
I know that in the past it was something I'd disparage
You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles
We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals
Then you slept, and I dressed, and I left
And I guess I'll see you Monday like before

Before all the fireworks exploded
Our conversations were so loaded, innuendo flying
Now what can we say?
Have a nice day
Looks like rain today...

Now I'm in a cab, heading back to my apartment
Everything is drab, and I wish it never started
Now I've landed in this awkward situation
How can I just avoid a conversation?
So I wait, come in late. It'd be great
If you transferred out of state

"Sell Sell Sell"

The credits roll, the camera pans
And in the mist our hero stands
He starts to speak, then folds his hands in prayer
An awkward pause, then what's my line?
There's nothing left to say this time
And what would you say to a bad guy who's not there?
In terms of Roman numberals,
He's IV league with Roman Polanski
He'd win an Oscar every time if he was only given the chance

He started on the Broadway stage
A product of another age,
An offer and a pilot drew him west
The series bombed, commercials came
And though nobody knew his name
They all recognized the potential he possessed
Deodorants and dental floss
And how much does that new car cost
His acting was methodical in You Don't Need A Medical
He's branded like a racing car,
He's like a movie star with movies
The week of Independence Day,
The casting agent called to say
Your smile could save our movie and the world

Buy buy buy buy
Sell sell sell
How well you learn
To not discern
Who's foe and who is friend
We'll own them all in the end

It goes like this, we have no choice; the minarets,
The wailing voice
And vaguely Celtic music fills the air
We choose a foreigner to hate,
The new Iraq gets more irate
We really know nothing about them, and no one cares
Aladdin and the forty thieves
Enhanced by brand new special effects
Saddam and his cow disease spiced up
With some gratuitous sex
A movie's made, a war is won
A low-speed chase, a smoking gun
Distracts us while the actor takes the stand

Buy buy buy buy
Sell sell sell
How well you learn
To not discern
Who's foe and who is friend
We'll own them all in the end

"The Humour Of The Situation"

When you walked in, I said with a grin
That we were just talking about you
We all had to lie because you would cry
If you knew we were laughing at you
In the momentary lull before the band begins to play
There's an overwhelming stench of alibi

Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation
Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation

I said on the phone "don't wait til I'm home"
But I'm sure I could hear you crying
I said where I was, but you doubt it because
It's the caller I.D. you're buying
In the hour that it took for me to drive up to the door
You'd arranged all my belongings on the lawn

Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation
Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation

Have you heard the one about the boy
Who moved into the henhouse to sleep?
He woke up with egg on his face
When he found out all the hens had crossed the street

Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation
Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation

As I walked out, I thought about all I had left behind me
I felt a chill because I was still
Wearing the emperor's new clothes
My mind was racing with each chance that I had missed
While your next door neighbour soaked be with the house
I've never felt so small, I've never been so dissed
As I shiver, dripping, while the chorus goes:

Come on now, now
Come on now, now
Enjoy the humour of the situation

"Baby Seat"

You left Billy with the kid
And all the selfless things you did with Billy
You left your home town in the spring
And turned your back on everything
You thought your life would just go by
Without a pause to wonder, don't be silly

But you can't live your life in the baby seat
You've got to stand on your own
Don't admit defeat

He came down from his retreat
She saw him later on the street
He said "You are the only one
to recognize that I'm the son"
So she bent down and kissed his feet
And then that night, between the sheets she told him

You can't live your life in the baby seat
You've got to stand on your own
Don't admit defeat
You can't live your life in the baby seat
You've got to stand on your own
Don't admit defeat

40 days at sea
Then she turned and said to me
"If we make it back
I'll renounce Jack Kerouac
And all that romantic crap
Like I'm an artist don't look back"

Now we're living somewhere else
We keep opinions to ourselves
But still we seek a sneaky peek at heaven
When the working week defeats us
If you think growing up is tough
Then you've just not grown enough, baby

You can't live your life in the baby seat
You've got to stand on your own
Don't admit defeat
You can't live your life in the baby seat
You've got to stand on your own
Don't admit defeat

"Off The Hook"

All around the room your things are placed
And next to you he fills the space
And so it seems your saving grace is only saving face
The pictures of the two of you on holiday, on honeymoon
You thought that he was wanting you,
But he was only wanting you to
Let him off the hook

He was your imaginary friend,
You were partners til the end
Then something bends, and then it breaks, your worst mistake
Accepting enemies on bended knees; a litany of tragedies,
You're vexed, it seems you're hexed and after sex he expects
You'll let him off the hook til
Something that you heard while you were sleeping left you
Shaken while he stirred. When you awaken you will
Make him eat his words right off the hook
Hook and line, every time

The credit card receipts, the dirty sheets
The souvenirs of men who cheat
It all makes sense - with each offense
You wanted to believe him
He could get away with murder one,
And you would clean the smoking gun
With every crime, you bought each line,
But not this time, you'll make him
Eat his words cause

Something that you heard while you were sleeping left you
Shaken while he stirred
When you awaken you will
Make him eat his, make him eat his
Words while he's alone,
Cause you won't be around and
From now on the phone stays off the hook
Hook and line, everytime
Hook and line, everytime

"Helicopters"

This is where the helicopters came to take me away
This is where the children used to play

This is only half a mile away from the attack
This is where my life changed in a day
And then it changed back
Buried in the din of rotor noise and close explosions
I do my best to synthesize the sounds and my emotions
This is where the allies bombed the school,
They say by mistake
Here nobody takes me for a fool, just for a fake
Later at the hotel bar, the journalists are waiting
I hurry back to my guitar while they're commiserating

And I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon

Just as soon as we were on the ground
We were back in the jet
Just another three day foreign tour we'd never forget
It's hard to sympathize with all this devastation
Hopping 'round from site to site like tourists on vacation

And I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon

I can't help anyone cause everyone's so cold
Everyone's so skeptical of everything they're told
And even I get sick of needing to be sold

Though it's only half a month away, the media's gone
An entertaining scandel broke today, but I can't move on
I'm haunted by a story and I do my best to tell it
Can't even give this stuff away, why would I sell it?
Everybody's laughing, while at me they point a finger
A world that loves its irony must hate the protest singer

So I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon