Somebody Kill Me

[spoken]
Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was listening to the
Cure a lot.

[sung]
You don’t know how much I need you.
While you’re near me I don’t feel blue.
And when we kiss I know that you need me too.
I can’t believe I found a love that’s so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you linda,
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you’re glad with what you’ve done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
Somebody kill me plee-ase,
I’m on my knees,
Pretty pretty please kill me.

I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.

[spoken]
Kid: you’re going to the mental institution.

Teenage Love on The Phone


Performed by adam sandler and allen covert

Richie: so ya doin’ good?
Samantha: ya, I’m fine, how ’bout you?
Richie: how good could I be? I haven’t seen you in three hours.
Samantha: ohhh, richie. hey richie, my dad’s down the hall, and he doesn’t want me on the phone. so if I hang up on you, it’s just because he’s coming.
Richie: ok. so look, uh, do you wanna meet at the spring fling dance thi...
[she hangs up phone]

[phone rings]
Richie: hello?
Samantha: sorry, I thought he was coming.
Richie: that’s ok. so, about the dance. do you wanna meet
Samantha: umm, well my brother gets the car on friday nights.
Richie: well that’s ok, I’ll come by and get you. lets say around...
[she hangs up phone]
Richie: come on..

[phone rings]
Richie: hey.
Samantha: sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom.
Richie: that’s ok. well look, uh.. what was I saying? oh yeah, should I pick you up at like seven-thirty or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really kickin..
[she hangs up the phone again]
Richie: give me a break...

[phone rings]
Richie: hello.
Samantha: sorry. it was just my dog.
Richie: hey, what’s your dad’s problem anyways!? why can’t we talk?
Samantha: he just thinks I’m on the phone too much. oh my god, uh, I gotta go.
Richie: don’t hang up!
Samantha: richie, I can’t talk!
Richie: no, I’m sick of this! put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to him.
Samantha: it’s not my dad.
Richie: what? well, who’s there? why can’t you talk?
Samantha: uh, just look richie, someone is here.
Richie: who’s there? is it a guy!?
Samantha: richie!
Richie: I knew it! I’ll kill him! put him on the phone!
Samantha: oh.. it’s just.. hold on.

[hands phone to guy]
Richie: hey man! what the hell are you doing there!? samantha’s my girl!
You’d better stay away from her or I’ll make you wish you were never born!
Buffoon: fuckin’ shit!
Richie: yeah, fuckin’ shit is right buddy! don’t think I’m kidding around, man! I’m crazy! I’ll smash your head in! I swear to god!
Buffoon: one time I saw my grandmother in the shower. her bush starts above her belly button.
Richie: yeah, well that’s too bad! but I’m still gonna come over there and beat your face in!
[richie slams down phone]

Samantha: what happened? was he mad?
Buffoon: my neighbor’s dog has a four inch clit!
Samantha: oh buffoon, you’re the coolest. [whispering] I love you...

The Adventures of The Cow


Performed by adam sandler, frank, and randi

Transcribed by a fan

And now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning of a little league game getting hit by a pitch

[baseball sounds and cow bell ringing,ball is hit and hits cow]
Cow: moo

And now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time, and thinks his parachute isn’t gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground

[plane sounds]
M1: alright cow, don’t even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down, quit being a pansy and do it
Cow: moo
[ripcord sounds]
Cow: moo,mrr
[parachute opens]
Cow: moow
[thud]

And now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries

[cow opening paper bag]
Cow: moo,moo
[car screeches, and turns back around]
Cow: mrr

And now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break and then realises he can’t swim

[cow walking towards pool, big splash]
Cow: moo
[crowd cheering]
Cow: mrr,mrr
[underwater moo]

And now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club, when a bouncer notices he doesn’t have any shoes on

F1: ohh baby you like it when I dance with you
Cow: moo
F1: uh uh uh, you can’t touch that
Cow: moo
Bouncer: keep your hands off the girl
Cow: moo
Bouncer: hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
Cow: moo
M2: hey watch it cow

And now a cow playing tennis against farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle when the farmer makes an obvious bad call

[tennis ball being hit]
Farmer: that was out
Cow: moo
Farmer: don’t tell me it wasn’t cause I saw it and that was out
Cow: moo
Farmer: by at least 3 feet that’s how far, come in look there is still a mark where it’s out
Cow: moo
Farmer: don’t tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
Cow: mrr
Farmer: you cannot see from that angle
Cow: moo

And now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is from a famous actor but he soon finds out it’s just a practical joke

[phone rings, cow picks it up]
Farmer: hello may I speak to the cow
Cow: moo
Farmer: hi, I’m a famous actor
Cow: moo
Farmer: oh, thank you very much, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
Cow: moo
Farmer: why don’t I make reservations?
Cow: moo
Farmer: and why don’t I tell you my real name? farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle
Cow: mrr
Farmer: take that fatty
Cow: mrr
[slams down phone]

And now a cow gets his revenge on farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle

[car sounds]
Farmer: pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, I am warning you for the last time.
[car hits farmer]
Farmer: oooh
Cow: mooooooooooooo

The Beating of a High School Bus Driver


Performed by adam sandler

And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver.

[kids getting on the bus]
How are ya, bryan?
Good morning, lisa.
Good to see ya, tommy!
Hey, good morning, cyle! nice new backpack!
Watch your step now, joseph.

Uhh, young man. can I help you? can I see your bus pass, please?
[beating sounds]
Sir, please!
[beating sounds]
I drive with that hand!
[beating sounds]
Children! call for help!
[beating sounds]
Holy geez, no!
[beating sounds]
That’s me! oh yes, oh!
[beating sounds]
[final crack, horn sounding]

The Beating of a High School Janitor


And now, the sever beating of a high school janitor.

[mopping sounds]
Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While I sing this song

[sound of someone walking towards him]
Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine

Hey! don’t walk there! I just mopped!
[person walking quickly towards him]
[beating sounds]
Hey!
[beating sounds]
Get offa me!
[beating sounds]
That’s my bucket!
[beating sounds]
Let go of my side burns!
[beating sounds]
[sound of falling down into glass]

 The Beating of a High School Science Teacher

Performed by rob schneider

And now the severe beating of a high school science teacher.

[lecturing]
Zinc is by far the best element.
I also like plutonium.
It’s just fun to say.
Plutonium.
[sound of someonee walking towards him]
How’s your plutonium?
Good, thank you.

Excuse me!
Hello! the office is closed. so, if you wouldn’t mind,.. sir, what are you doing?
Hey! get off of me!
[beating sounds]
You’re breaking the beakers!
[beating sounds]
Those are my best goggles!
[beating sounds]

The Beating of a High School Spanish Teacher

Performed by adam sandler

And now the severe beating of a high school spanish teacher.

[lecturing]
[writing on chalk board]
Juan es muy guapo.
[door opens, walking towards her]

Hola.
Senor?
Hay problema?
Mi casa es su casa.
[scream]
[beating sounds]
Ayuda! ayudame!
[beating sounds]
Ayudame!
[beating sounds]
Bibliotecha!
[beating sounds]
No!
[beating sounds]
[beating sounds]
[falls to the floor]

The Buffoon & The Dean of Admissions

Performed by adam sandler and conan o’ brien :

And now a buffoon’s meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college.

Dean: well michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations on your upcoming graduation and I understand you are interested in matriculating here in the fall.

Buffoon: I got a snake, man!

Dean: yes, pets are welcome here on campus. be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile.

Buffoon: one time I fed it some beer man! it was slithering this way and that! it was all fucked up!

Dean: I’m sure it was. well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus.

Buffoon: fuckin’ shit!

Dean: yes, that’s a not uncommon reaction to this policy. so tell me a little bit more about your background.

Buffoon: my father’s a fucking asshole, man!

Dean: hmm, I see. your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son.

Buffoon: my mother’s a piece of shit too!

Dean: well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to learn.

Buffoon: my teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! she had her head way up her ass!

Dean: well the quality of the faculty at a university such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school.

Buffoon: your secretary’s a real fat bitch, man!

Dean: yes, she’s tried many diets over the years with minimal success.

Buffoon: I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!

Dean: uh huh, well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a pleasurable experience. so have you given any thought to your choice of major?

Buffoon: I’ve got a big fucking boner right now.

Dean: I see. well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. I do not take offense.

Buffoon: one time I ate my neighbors shit!

Dean: that’s understandable. well, I enjoyed meeting you. we’ll be sending you our decision by the end of the month.

Buffoon: I bet you got really hairy balls.

Dean: yes, it’s a veritable forest down there. bye bye.

The Buffoon & The Valedictorian

Performed by adam sandler and jennifer lien

And now the buffoon’s date at the drive-in with the school’s valedictorian.

Valedictorian: I really appreciate you’re asking me out. most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement.

Buffoon: this movie sucks shit!

Valedictorian: well, ebel gave it thumbs up, but ciscel thought it was too preachy. anyway, I enjoyed the director’s last film immensly.

Buffoon: cathleen turner has big fuckin’ tits!

Valedictorian: yes, well, she recently had a child. I think her maternal biology may play a role in that. she looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn’t she?

Buffoon: I put a firecracker in a bullfrog’s mouth and blew his fuckin’ head off.

Valedictorian: well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process.

Buffoon: that girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head.

Valedictorian: well, I guess she’s strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it.

[buffoon eating popcorn]
Buffoon: this popcorn’s fuckin’ terrible. it tastes like someone jizzed all over it.
[buffoon continues to eat popcorn]

Valedictorian: well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing. perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome by the monotony of their work and decided to play a
Dish prank.

Buffoon: I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. it blew my fuckin’ mind!

Valedictorian: it’s ironic that parts of one’s body seems odd and unusual because you don’t see them on a day to day basis.

Buffoon: my father’s shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin’ day!

Valedictorian: it’s puzzling why one person’s fecal odor can be more overpowering than another’s. I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person’s internal metabolis
Ot;

Buffoon: I’m gonna go get head from that fuckin’ girl.
[gets out of the car]

Valedictorian: well, I’m sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion.
[buffoon walking away]
I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue.

Buffoon: I like to piss in that guy’s fuckin’ gas tank!

Valedictorian: bye bye! have fun.
[buffoon continues to walk away]

The Chanuka Song

Performed by adam sandler

Okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There’s a lot of christmas songs out there and uhh..
Not too many chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little jewish kids who don’t get to hear any chanukah songs.
Here we go...

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a christmas tree
Here’s a list of people who are jewish just like you and me
David lee roth lights the menorah
So do james caan, kirk douglas, and the late dinah shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the carnegie deli
Bowser from sha na na and arthur fonzerelli
Paul newman’s half jewish, goldie hawn’s half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin’ jew

You don’t need deck the halls or jingle bell rock
’cause you can spin a dreidel with captain kirk and mr. spock- both jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It’s time for chanukah
The owner of the seattle supersonicahs
Celebrates chanukah

O.j. simpson, not a jew
But guess who is? hall of famer rod carew- he converted
We got ann landers and her sister dear abby
Harrison ford’s a quarter jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that ebenezer scrooge is
Well he’s not, but guess who is
All three stooges
So many jews are in showbiz
Tom cruise isn’t, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend veronica
It’s time to celebrate chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy chanukah
Happy chanukah