Mother’s Day Song

Mama was the one who reached down and tied my shoelace.
Mama spit on her fingers and used it to clean dirt off my face.

Brush your teeth, q-tip your ear,
Take off your sister’s new brassiere.
Watch pbs, not deputy dawg,
Don’t you eat that lincoln log.

Oh mama I still don’t believe
It’s true: the tooth fairy was you.
No way!

I love you maaaaaama,
More than than paaaastrama,
Way more than jeffrey daaaahma,
Even more than my nfl paaaaajamas.

Mama always calmed down dad when he got too mean.
Like the time he almost hit me for stealing his juggs magazine.

Stop your jumping,
You’ll break the bed.
Don’t you fill up
On the bread.
Take those
Take those
(trying to read cue card)
Take ... carrots out of your nose,
That’s not a hat that’s pantyhose.
Don’t play baseball in your suit,
That magnum pi’s very cute.
Don’t forget vick’s vapor-rub,
Stop masturbating in the tub.
Thanks for making corn beef hash,
And putting powder on my rash.
(so much better.)

I love you maaaaaama,
More than golf with arnold paaaaalmaaaa,
More than yellow moons in lucky chaaaaamaaaas,
Def leppard’s drummer only had one aaaaaaamaaa.

Oh, mrs. nealon, yes it’s true,
Kevin’s gonna sing to you.

Come on kevin.

I love you maaaaaama

Come on, keep goin’.

More than films by brian depaaaaalmaaaa.

Thanks for being my date to the praaaaamaaaa.

Thanks for writing that note to the draft
Board that said I was gay so I got out
Of vietnaaaamaaa.

Mom your way better than the world trade center baaaaamaaaa.

Who’s name by the way is mohamed salaaaamaaa.

I love you even more than richard gere loves the dali laaaaahmaaa.

And richard gere was also good in sommersby,
Which was a melodraaaamaa.

Oh, all you moms out there oughta know,
We kids love you so.

Have a happy mother’s day.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!

Adam saaaandlaaa.

Moyda

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, and jon rosenburg

Schnine
He’s a pretty good guy
He’s nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He’s a real nic guy
He’s always got the jumper cables
He’ll take your mail in when you’re on vacation
He’s a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He’ll help you find a book on whales
He’s a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says God bless you when you sneeze

But there’s a problem
It’s not your average problem
But it’s a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He’ll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

He’s a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He’s a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the junior high basketball for no pay
He’s a great, great man
He’ll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut

But there’s a problem
It’s not your average problem
But it’s a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He’s wanted for moyda

Here he comes
Hey larry, how ya doing?
How’s the garden coming?
You know, it’s interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I’m a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I’ll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

[chanting]
I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only sigmund freuda
Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder

My Little Chicken

Performed by adam sandler

When I’m feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken

I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken

People say you’re using me
In your heart you’re a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don’t you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can’t i.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawking bawk,
Bawk, bawk, bawking bawk

You’re my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts

Ode to My Car

Performed by adam sandler

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin’ pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car’s a big piece of shit
’cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt’s fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(it’s a piece of shit)

I can’t see through the windshield
’cause it’s got a big fucking’ crack
And the interior smells real bad
’cause my friend puked in the back
(it’s a piece of shit)

(piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(he’s got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(that fuckin’ pile of shit)
100% crap
(never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It’s got no cd player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(they can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin’ brakes
I’m always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear hey, watch it asshole
(you fuckin’ piece of shit)

(piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(he got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(that fuckin’ pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You’re too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I’m too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin’ stalls
And the seat cushion’s got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(what a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There’s no chance I’ll ever bang her
(he never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(you got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin’ tires
(you got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(you got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(you got a piece of shit car)
(piece of shit car)
(you got a piece of shit car)
(piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I’m a loser
(you got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(piece of shit car...)

Oh Mom...

Performed by adam sandler, rob schneider, david spade, jennifer lien, andrew leeds, meghan andrews, and robert smigel

[silverware clicking]
M1: can you pass the beats please?
F1: here you go
M1: thanks
Brad: hey mom, guess what? I got invited to a party tonight! and I’m gonna go if that’s ok with you.
Mom: nooo!!
Brad: why not mom?
F1: yeah, why mom? he should go.
Brad: it’s gonna be fun. I’ll get to meet new people...
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
Brad: oh mom...
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
F1: don’t wory brad.

F2: hey mom, I saw this great skirt at the mall today, but it was $34, which isn’t that high of a price, but I was nervous to buy it. what do you think?
Mom: nooo!!
F2: really? I really like it...
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
F2: oh mom, who is?
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
F2: mom, you’re so paranoid.
Mom: nooo!!

M3: hey mom, I gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for little league try-outs.
Mom: nooo!!
M3: yeah, I have to be at the field at 9 o’clock...
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
M3: do you think you could drop me off there? ...
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
M3: how am I gonna get there?
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
M3: I’ll walk I guess.
Mom: nooo!!

Cindy: mom, can you pass the salad dressing?
Mom: nooo!!
Cindy: please?
Mom: nooo!!
Cindy: come on, mom.
Mom: nooo!!
Brad: I’ll get it for you cindy.
Cindy: thanks brad.
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
Cindy: thanks for the tip, ma.
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!

Brad: hey everyone, let’s just go out for ice cream.
Mom: nooo!!
Brad: why are we eating inside? it’s a beautiful night. we need to get out more.
Mom: nooo!!
Cindy: mother, brad is right.
Mom: nooo!!
Cindy: we should go out, it’ll be fun.
Mom: nooo!!
Cindy: come on, let’s go, I could go for some maple walnut.
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
M3: yeah, we haven’t gone out together in a long time.
Mom: nooo!!
Cindy: you wanna come dave?
Mom: nooo!!
Dave: no, I’ll hang out with mom.
M1: you sure?
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
Dave: yeah, go without me.
M3: all right, see you guys later.
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!

Dave: how are you, mom? great meal tonight. sure is... you sure know how to cook! boy, oh boy, you’re quite a lady. say mom, uhm, can I go canoeing next weekend with my friend barry?
Mom: nooo!!
Dave: please?
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
Dave: mom, you’re over reacting!
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
Dave: why are you so overprotective!?
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
Dave: mom! I’m going to the ice cream place! you’re just so set in your ways it drives me crazy!
[bangs on the table, gets up]
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
[screen door closes]
Mom: they’re all gonna laugh at him!

Pickin’ Daisies

Performed by adam sandler, alan covert, and jon rosenberg

6 what’s the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
It’s okay, momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don’t you know I still say I am
Dad just mumbles, there goes my girlie son acting up again
How could you be my kid
Mom knows I’m faking it
But she understands what’ll happen if I go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won’t get their hands on me today
’cuz home with momma is where I’m gonna stay

We’re pickin’ daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin’ daisies
They’ll all be working for you someday
Pickin’ daisies
They’re just jealous of you
Pickin’ daisies
Next year you’ll go to private school

Can’t play sports or games
I’m only really good at reading
He can’t catch a football
Apparently that’s not too cool
That’s why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But I’ll be safe today, I know ’cuz momma said

We’re pickin’ daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin’ daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin’ daisies
They’ll all end up in jail
Pickin’ daisies
Marshall’s is having a sale

I know tommorrow it’ll all start up again
He’ll be greeted with a head-lock
And all I can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But I know when I’m older
I’ll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
’cuz we’ll be through with kickball
We’ll all be weak and slow
But I will be the only one
With a magic place to go

Pickin’ daisies
You’re better off in the end
Pickin’ daisies
Who cares, I’ll be your friend
Pickin’ daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin’ daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin’ daisies
Dasies
Pickin’ daisies
Dasies
Pickin’ daisies
Dasies
Pickin’ daisies
Dasies
Pickin’ daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When I was a kid, we didn’t have video games, we had pinball, but I could learn
Well, they’re just upset that they don’t have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
Why don’t you go to sleep? and when you wake up, then I’ll play you the eddie fisher record

Red Hooded Sweatshirt

Performed by adam sandler and i. maxtone-graham

My mom bought you when I was just 13,
The brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn’t grow out,
That’s too big for you! the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn’t quit,
And now the children say, what a perfect fit.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
Red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip
Sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ding dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch,
It makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.
And I don’t care if the weather’s no good,
I say see you later rain as I pull up my hood.
Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap? ,
I used you as a pillow on that spanish lady’s lap.
I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ding dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly? ,
Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly?

I don’t knoooooooww
Ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo.

Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together like that time I played in that shirts and skins basketball game and I had to take you off and throw you in the corner of the gym. I was m
Through the game and then I saw you looking at me. you were staring as if to say adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman. I was so mad I challenged you to a game
Ne on one and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9, deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose. you let me win and that why I’ll forever feel this way.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
Red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip
Sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ding dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

Come on audience members, help me out here.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
Red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip
Sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ling dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

I love you sooooooooooo.

Happy valentine’s everybody!

Red Hooded Sweatshirt

Performed by adam sandler and i. maxtone-graham

My mom bought you when I was just 13,
The brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn’t grow out,
That’s too big for you! the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn’t quit,
And now the children say, what a perfect fit.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
Red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip
Sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ding dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch,
It makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.
And I don’t care if the weather’s no good,
I say see you later rain as I pull up my hood.
Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap? ,
I used you as a pillow on that spanish lady’s lap.
I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ding dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly? ,
Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly?

I don’t knoooooooww
Ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo.

Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together like that time I played in that shirts and skins basketball game and I had to take you off and throw you in the corner of the gym. I was m
Through the game and then I saw you looking at me. you were staring as if to say adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman. I was so mad I challenged you to a game
Ne on one and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9, deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose. you let me win and that why I’ll forever feel this way.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
Red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip
Sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ding dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

Come on audience members, help me out here.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
Red hooded
Sweeeeatshirt
Dip dip dip
Sweeeeatshirt
Shama lama ling dong
Sweeeeatshirt.

I love you sooooooooooo.

Happy valentine’s everybody!

Right Field

Performed by adam sandler, rob schneider, tim herlihy, and steve koren

Russel: [shouting] come on robert! pitch it in there, baby! we’re behind you here in right field! one down! two to go! hum it now! yeah! show ’em the magic! this chump can’t hit!
[whispering to himself] please god, don’t help him hit it to me. anywhere but to right field. please god, I bet you.
[shouting] come on now! no batter! no batter! big whiffer! big whiffer!
[whispering] oh please, don’t let him hit it to me. my god, not to me.
[shouting] steam it baby! steam it!
[whispering] oh God no, oh God no, oh God no, oh God no.
[ball is hit]

Russel: [shouting] nooooooooooooo!
[whispering] oh good! it’s not to me.
[shouting] good catch, steven! nice glove! you da man! two away now! lookin’ good! we’re all looking good out here! come on robert! this lump of crap can’t hit!
[whiserping] oh god, he’s a leftie! a big leftie! total power to hit it. he’s gonna pile it right to me and there’s nothing I can do to stop him.
[shouting] pitch ’em the funny one, robert! big whiffer! big whiffer!
[whispering] oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless. please god, take his life. make him die.
[shouting] no batter! no batter!
[ball is hit]

Russel: [whispering] oh god. this is not happening. no, don’t do this to me. please. make it stop.
[ball hits russel]
Russel: owwww! my elbow!
M1: throw it to second! pick it up already!
Russel: take it! just take the ball!
[russel tosses the ball]
M2: nice throw, you pansy!
Russel: [whispering] ok, get under control. easy now, easy. say something to the team.
[shouting] good hussle everybody! yeah! nice work! play’s at third!
[whispering] that wasn’t funny, lord. I’ve been so good and for what!?
[shouting] come on, robert! settle down! just throw straight! you get it across the plate! we’ll take care of the rest!
[whispering] oh no, another lefty.
[ball is hit]

Russel: [shouting] noo! why me again!?
[ball hits russel]
Russel: owwww! my neck!
[panting & whining] I can’t breath. I can’t breath.
M2: pick it up and throw it, you moron!
Russel: [whining] here..come on, here.. take the ball! take it!
[russel kicks ball]
M1: way to kick it in, pele!
Russel: [shouting] oh hahaha. pele! good one! hehehe.. ok! come on! suck it up guys! we’ll get those runs back! this is where we dig down! we just need one more out!
[whispering] oh look! a rightie! oh lord, thank you. thank you so much. I owe you.
[shouting] this loser can’t hit! no batter! come on, this is where we take them out!
[whispering] uh oh, what’s happening? where’s the rightie going? what? who’s this guy? he’s a leftie and he’s pinch hitting. no! no!
[shouting] why’s he pointing at me!?
[ball is hit]

Russel: [shouting] oh my lord! what have I done to deserve this? !
M3: I got it! I got it!
[running over to the ball near russel]
[thud! crashes into russel]
M3: whoa! sorry about that, russel. are you ok?
Russel: [shouting] hell yeah! we’re up now! it’s our turn to kick a little ass!
M3: all right, russel. I think you’re up first.
Russel: nooooo!!

Santa Song


So many presents,
So little time,
Santa won’t be coming around my house this year,
’cos I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear,
Oh mama made it perfectly clear,
Santa don’t like bad boys...especially jewish ones.

Gnip-gnop and lego blocks are all that I desire,
So why did I have to set the pizza guy’s hair on fire,
I told him I was sorry,
I’m a liar,
So no toys for me...i don’t deserve them.

I couldn’t wait for a big wheel as the holiday neared,
But then I told my grandma that she had a beard.

Dear santa,

I know what my problem is, why I can’t be good, it’s a fear of intimacy.
You see my whole life whenever I’ve met someone really great like you and
I keep feeling like I’m getting close to them, something inside me makes
Me want to screw it up. so in a weird way the reason I’m so bad is because
I love you santa.

Rock-em sock-em robots is what I was hoping for,
But then I made a death threat to vice president gore,
Oh santa won’t be knocking on my door,
’cos he’s a big fat whore...what made me say that?

Chutes and ladders would be so good indeed,
So why’d I have to sell that cop a bag of weed,
So santa please give me that easy bake oven,
I swear I thought billy goats we’re made for lovin’.

So santa won’t you accept my apologies,
Santa can’t you see I’m begging you please,
Oh santa next year I’ll do you right,
Live from new york it’s saturday night..