Assistant Principal’s Big Day

Performed by adam sandler

[speaking through a microphone]
Good morning students and faculty, if I could have your attention please. as you may, or may not know, principal cambell will not be here for the rest of the week due to a throat infection
Ving me, assistant principal dunbar, as the school’s lone administrator for the next few days.

Though the policies set forth by principal cambell will remain the same, there will be some additional regulations you must also follow.

Number one - smoking outside the administration building will only be allowed during lunch periods.

Number two - the girls’ showering facilities will be moved from the locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their breasts and buttocks while I play with myself.&q
Br>

Number three - while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia. eye contact with me is also prohibited.

Number four - girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build towards orgasm.

Number five - while I am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must undress each other spread eagle in front of me and satify each other orally until I have completed ejaculating.

Finally, rule number six - any student caught writing grafitti or defacing school property will be automatically suspended, unless they are masturbating.

If you have any questions about these new regulations, I will be in my office spanking it with a thumb up my ass.

Good day

At a Medium Pace

Performed by adam sandler

Put your arms around me baby
Can’t you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I’m about to begin
Lovin’ you

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off

You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin’
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with

Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I’m the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off

Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I’m about to blow my load
You tell me it’s time to make love
But now I can’t
’cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin’ you
I’m so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I’ll be better at lovin’ you

Bad Boyfriend

Performed by adam sandler

Why don’t you pick up after your done?
I’m not your slave
I’m not your mother
I’m not your maid
I mean I’ve got a life too
So fuck you!

Why can’t you be nicer to my friend?
They’re gonna be here soon
Last time they were here
You just sat in the bedroom
Friday you went out with your fat friend lou
Fuck you!

Why don’t you ever ask about my chinese cooking class?
I only took it ’cause you like moo shu
Fuck you!

I’m sorry honey, about the way I’ve been acting lately
Fuck you!

Don’t be like that, we’ll visit your mom when I get some time off
Fuck you!

I had the beer at work, for god’s sake
Fuck you!

By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow?
Fuck you!

I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you
Why don’t you ever take me to a play?
Or a museum?
There’s an art gallery two blocks away
And we’ve never been there
We always do what you wanna do
Fuck you!

You didn’t notice
I got new throw pillows for the sofa
You didn’t notice I had the kitched painted blue
Why don’t you notice all those guys looking at me?
You take me for granted
Do you know there’s a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch?
I always try to look my best and you should too
Fuck you!

Why won’t I ever get out of this relationship?
You’re such a jerk
The only thing you do right is
Tell me that you love me
Well, I guess I love you too
But fuck you!
Seriously

Buddy

Performed by adam sandler, rob schneider, david spade, tim meadows, tim herlihy, and robert smigel

[moving train]
Next stop! coopersville!

[two guys talking]
Hey buddy
Buddy!
How was the bathroom buddy, pretty gruesome?
Buddy, I had to hold my breath buddy!
Eheh buddy, don’t even tell me about it buddy!
Buddy I know.
Buddy, m&m’s?
Chocolate me, buddy!... tasty buddy!
Buddy definitely
Hey get in on this drink buddy!
Buddy, don’t mind if I do
It’s a bloody, buddy
Buddy, it’s killer!
Buddy!
Sorry buddy
Save me some buddy!
Buddy I said I was sorry!
That’s ok buddy

[two more guys enter]
Hey dude!
Hey buddy!
Dudes, you know this dude?
What’s up dude?
Hey buddy
Buddy, sit down
Have some bloody buddy
Dude
Dudes, here’s a sixer, budweiser time
Yeah, bud buddy
Yeah dude
Cold ones dude
Buddy, killer!
[drinking]
I’m buzzing buddy!
Dude, I know!
[female walking by]
Oh dude, check it, she’s killer!
I want some of that buddy
Oh buddy, save some for me
Dude, that’s my ex-girlfriend
Oh, sorry buddy
Just watch it dude!
Hey lay off him buddy
Dude, don’t get him started
I said I was sorry buddy
Dude, let’s just drop it
Buddy?
It’s cool dude

[two more guys enter]
Hey homey’s
What’s up homeys?
Hey buddy
What’s up dude?
Just chillin’ homey
Cool buddy
Yeah dude
Buddy
Homey
Dude
Homey
Dude
Buddy
Dude, check it out, a prison
Oh buddy, imagine being stuck in there
I know dude, that would suck
Homey, my brother is in there
Oh buddy
Sorry about that dude
Bummer buddy
Bad timing homey
I know buddy
Sorry dude
Not your fault homey
I know, but buddy
No, it’s cool homey

Dude, there’s another train on this track
[sound of another train]
Uh buddy, it’s coming at us
[train horn sounding]
Dude!
Homey!
Buddy!
Buddy!
Homey!
Dude!

[trains crashing]
Dude?
Buddy, my head
Homey, get off me
Buddy, I can’t see
What just happened to us dude?
Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!

Cordurory Blues

Performed by adam sandler

When I was a boy
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin’ around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my momma’s friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I’m a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
’cause even when I’m in the shower alone
I’m to embarrased to remove my shirt

What made a millionaire out of mr. frito-lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of mr. frito-lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feets are becoming difficult to see

I believe it was my daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me the little candy ass
When I couldn’t finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see momma’s good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain’t wearing pants

What made a millionaire out of mr. frito-lay
You fat fuck, you fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of mr. frito-lay
You fat fuck, you fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203

The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bown of white rice
Dinnertime it’s a saltless potato
I ain’t allowed no spice
If this diet’s gonna work
Tonight I can’t eat no more
Just go to sleep, I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly’s hungry and achin’
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon

What made a millionaire out of mr. frito-lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of mr. frito-lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately

Crazy Love

Performed by adam sandler and lisa mordente

Transcribed by the brave raven.

Adam: you don’t mind that I think everybody’s a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
Lisa: and you don’t mind that all of my pants are way too short on me and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
Adam: and you don’t care that I collect dead animals from the side of the road then pretend they’re alive and think I’m a famous football player
Lisa: and you don’t have a problem with me when I follow people I’ve never met before and force them to look at the portrait of neil diamond I have tattooed on my back
Adam: it’s very pretty, baby
Both:
Well you must have been sent from above
You’re all that I can think of
You’re just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
Adam: well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
Lisa: blah bloo blah bloo bloo
Adam: thank you
Lisa: and you don’t make fun of me ’cause I still make out with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a ufo for two and a half years
Adam: I believe you sugarpie
Both:
’cause our love is right on track
I’m yours, your mine it’s a fact
Don’t forget to take your prozac
My crazy love
Adam: well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn’t even there
Lisa: oh three days before that I ran down the street in my wonder woman underwear
Adam: I didn’t care babe I know I never had a job ’cause I’m afraid to talk to people ’cause I know that they’re all robots who are seeking information
Lisa: they can’t fool you sweetheart and I know that you know that I’m the one who burned my cousin chester’s house to the ground but you told the cops we were out ballroom dancing when the came
Questioned you
Adam: I ain’t no fink, dollface
Both:
’cause we know that it’s true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
Lisa: my crazy, crazy love
(spoken to end)
Adam: oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
Lisa: I feel the same way would you throw some macaroni on me?
Adam: oh yeah, here you go
(splurt)

Dancin’ & Pantsin’

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, jon rosenburg, frank coraci, and bob glaub

When I was a young man
I didn’t like to dance
I was shy
I’d stand against the wall all night
I’d never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn’t get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots

But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain’t too far away
It’s just on the edge of town
Nearby
But be ready when you get there
’cause these folks don’t fuck around

You can
Rub your belly with liza minelli
Covered in jelly, you’re gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin’ lou rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from chips
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with martin sheen
It’s fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma betty white
You’ll see the light when your sphincter’s tight

If you don’t know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing milton berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you’re a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary al pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with colonel klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with omar sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard tommy carvel
Tommy carvel gonna make your dink swell

Then spew all over the room
With mr. jeffry goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Mr. belvedere
Fatty fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard king
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming mark spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits

Big earl weaver, tommy seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer billy russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of mama cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of mama cass
Dry-hump the floor with mary tyler-moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy mr. whipple
Drink some ripple
Give it a hearty whack with tv great victor tayback
When you give it a whack, don’t hurt the nut-sack

So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Dip Doodle

Performed by adam sandler

Transcribed by the brave raven.

Jabawokee ding dong slip slap slee
Dipstick paddywhack pee pee googalee gee
Polly wolly sling slang skooey dibbely doo
Wing wong ping pong king kong cheech ’n chong hop hip kagagoogoo

Hickory dickory slickory flip flap dip skip to my lou
Flim flam wham blam sam bam cunningham whack snack koochie koochie koo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta eat grandma’s stroodle
’cause she stayed up all night to make it from scratch
You gotta gish, you gotta gash, you gotta wax grandma’s mustache
And lay out here socks and make sure they match
Whoa, you gotta help out your gram

Slappety dappety sling skism skasm bing bang boo
A yip, a yap, a snippety snap walla, walla scrappy dappy doo
Piddle paddle fiddle faddle widdle waddle awhee clunkety clang
A plop, a fizz, a whackety whiz, chitty chitty bang wang lang

Zippity doo dang lipidee ay oompa loompa doo
A piggly wiggly dooda stinky winky linky foo man choo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta shave grandma’s poodle
’cause grandma would do the same for you
You gotta libby, you gotta labby, you gotta hug grandma even though she’s flabby
’cause you should know grandmas are people too
Whoa, you gotta love your gram

Now if you listened to the words of this song
You know they’re coming straight from the heart
Never make fun of your grandma
Even when she rips a juicy fart

And remember to dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta stop playing with your noodle
’cause grandma said it will make you go blind
You gotta gipper, you gotta giper, you gotta change grandma’s diaper
And then pretend that you really didn’t mind
Whoa, respect to the grandma

Do It for Your Mama

Performed by adam sandler, frank, judd, jon, katie, and brooks arthur

J.n.: I can make a bigger splash than you!
Jimmy: oh yeah, give it a shot.

[while jumping up and down on diving board]
J.n.: can opener!
[big splash]
Jimmy: man, that one was huge.
J.n.: you go.

[while running towards pool]
Jimmy: ahhhh, jacknife!

[jumps in and small splash]
Tracy: that was a dud, jimmy.
Jimmy: shutup, tracy.
Tracy: you shutup.

[door opens, walks over]
Momma: lunch time kids.

[kids yelling happily]
Momma: I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope. I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while.
J.n.: I’m just gonna eat, mom.
Momma: all right. and then maybe a little later, you can play with yer cock and balls fer momma.
J.n.: I don’t think so.
Momma: ok. slow down jimmy, yer already halfway done with yer sandwhich. you’re gonna get a belly ache.
Jimmy: no I’m not. I’m hungry.
Momma: I know, but you shouldn’t so fast. you’re rushing honey, you’re gonna choke. put down your sandwhich and beat off your cock and balls for a little bit. pace yourself.
Jimmy: oh god.

Momma: tracy, do you want some fruit or a sandwhich?
Tracy: no mom, I’m trying to lose weight. guy said I’m getting fat.
Momma: what? you look beautiful honey. he’s crazy.
Tracy: guy said last summer I looked better in a bathing suit, so I’m gonna try to lose like three or four pounds.
Momma: awww, sweetheart. you’ve got so much to learn. guy doesn’t want you to lose weight, baby. it’s just his way of telling you he wants you to smack around his cock and balls some more,
Y. he’s got some balls and some cock. you gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nuts.
Tracy: mom!
Momma: you’re scared, aren’t ya honey. you want momma to help you? momma will stroke guy’s penis for him. no one has to know. I’ll sneak in when it’s dark.
Tracy: no! mom, please!
Momma: you don’t know how to tug on the cock and balls? you need momma to show you? get me a carrot, sweetheart. where are you going!?

J.n.: mom, where’s the suntan lotion?
Momma: it’s under the chair baby. you gonna lube up yer cock and balls and wack it for a little bit?
J.n.: uhh, no. I’m just going to put some on my face so I don’t get sunburnt.
Momma: smart thinking honey. and while yer at it you can put some on your brother’s ding dong and knock around his nuts for him.
Jimmy: mom!
Momma: what jimmy. why don’t you let your brother wack your cock and nuts for a little bit. you’re not playing with them right now so why not let him. share, baby!
Jimmy: you’re weird mom! I’m going swimming!
Momma: oh, you shouldn’t swim for a half an hour. I read that.
Jimmy: why?
Momma: because you just ate, honey. and you’ll get cramps. why don’t you just lay on the side of the pool and jiggle your balls for momma.
Jimmy: it’s ok. I’ll stay in the shallow end.
Momma: ok, baby. but don’t hurt yourself with that big juicy hog of yours.

Jimmy: hey, j.n. throw me that frisby.
J.n.: here! whoops!

[sails over and falls to the ground]
Jimmy: nice throw. right over the fence and into the chasen’s yard.
Momma: don’t get all huffy puffy. I’ll get it. momma will make everything all right. j.n. you watch jimmy and make sure he’s safe in that water.
J.n.: ok, ma.
Momma: and if you want you can beat your cock and balls. hi mr. chasen!
Mr. chasen: oh, hi emily. how are you?
Momma: oh, the boys threw the frisbee over the fence again. and there it is under the bush.
Mr. chasen: I’ll get it for you.
Momma: sorry. thank you. and while your under that bush, why don’t you jack around your cock and balls for yourself. you can stare at my jugs and play with that healthy wang of yours."

Mr. chasen: no, I’ll just.. I’ll just get your frisbee.
Momma: all right baby.
Mr. chasen: here you go.
Momma: thank you. thanks. thank mr. chasen, boys!
Boys: thanks mr. chasen!
Mr. chasen: you’re welcome fellas.
Momma: have a good day. oh, and..and tell your son tommy, if he wants to come over later and play with his cock and balls with the kids he’s always welcome. I don’t know what happened with
And the boys, but they don’t seem to be friendly anymore.
Mr. chasen: I’ll do that emily.
Momma: all right. he’s got a big one. you know that.

Momma: tracy! you’re boyfriend guy’s car just pulled up.
Tracy: ok mom. please don’t embarass me!
Momma: everything embarasses you at this age, but I’ll do my best. don’t worry.
Guy: is it ok to come in?
Tracy: come on back here guy!
Momma: oh!
Tracy: thanks for coming over!
Momma: nice to see you guy.
Guy: hi mrs. tucker.
Momma: why don’t you go for a swim with the others?
Guy: I didn’t bring a bathing suit with me.
Momma: oh no! you don’t need a bathing suit. just pull off your clothes and let your cock and balls feel the nice warm water.
Guy: uhhh, that’s ok, mrs. tucker.
Momma: come on! pull out your cock and balls. the water’s heated. you’ll love it.
Tracy: mom! stop it! now!
Momma: what are you talking about, honey!? this way his balls are out, you can stroke his ding dong in front of all of us. come on, pull out that hog of yours. I wanna see it anyways. I wa
Now what my daughter’s been stroking.
Tracy: mom! stop it!
Momma: in fact, everybody, pull out your cock and balls and rub it for momma. play with yourself. it’ll be good. everyone. wack away!
J.n.: you’re sick mom! I’m leaving.
Jimmy: I’m going to billy’s house. I can’t take this anymore.

[walking away]
Guy: come on, let’s go.
Tracy: you’ve humiliated me and guy. we are so outta here.

Momma: what did I do? what is the matter with you all? come back here! you’re ruining the day! it’s so beautiful out. this is too much of a...

[picks up phone and starts dialing while car drives off]
I can’t take these kids anymore...

[phone rings and gets picked up]
Grandma: hello?
Momma: momma, it’s me, I’m very upset,
Grandma: oh, what’s the matter, baby?
Momma: the kids are yelling at me and they left me here all alone.
Grandma: did you tell them the kids to play with their cock and balls?
Momma: I told them to play with their cock and balls.
Grandma: and what did they say?
Momma: they don’t wanna play with them anymore.
Grandma: why don’t they wanna play with them anymore?
Momma: I don’t understand. they’ve got cock and balls. they should play with them.
Grandma: poppy always loves when I play with his cock and balls.
Momma: you smack around daddy’s cock still, why shouldn’t they beat theirs?
Grandma: tell them to come over to grandma’s house. I’ll play with their cock and balls.
Momma: oh momma.

Fatty Mcgee


Performed by adam sandler, david spade, tim herlihy, steve koren, and tim meadows

[typical library sounds, squeekin chairs/doors]

[talking quietly]
M1: ms. murphy is such a pain, man.
M2: we just had a test a week ago. now we gotta take another one tommorrow. this sucks!
M1: and it counts for 80 percent of our grade.
M2: well we better study our butts off.
M1: well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library.
M2: ok, enough talking, let’s study!
M1: all right.
[turning pages]

[heavy steps]
M2: uh oh
M1: oh no! fatty mcgee is coming. we’ll never get any studying done with him in the library.
[heavy steps continue]
M2: oh god, he’s taking the stairs! that means he’s going to be way out of breath!

[fatty whining, try to catch breath]
M1: oh no, he’s going to sit with us.
Fatty: [annoying whining voice] hey fellas, studying for the big test?
M1: uh, yes fatty, we were.
Fatty: [still trying to catch breath] great! I’ll join ya.
[fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly]
M2: hey fatty, why don’t you go to the bathroom ’till you catch your breath?
Fatty: no, no, I’m catching it!
[fatty continuing to whine and snort]
M1: ok, ok fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we’re trying to concentrate.
Fatty: [continuing to wheeze and whine louder] sure, no problem.
M1: oh man.
Fatty: [still snorting and whining loudly] this test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know.
[whining continues even louder]
M1: yes fatty, we know, we just said that.
[wheezing continues a little softer]
M2: fatty! please keep it down!

[fatty makes snoring/whining sounds]

M2: is he sleeping!?
M1: no, it’s his deviated sceptum. seriously fatty, keep the breathing down. [snoring stops, more weird noise starts]
M2: ahh geez fatty, what’s wrong with you!?
Fatty: [pausing, snorting] I’m trying.
[whining continues]
M1: fatty, you know what’s going to happen! stop breathing so heavy! please we gotta study!
[whining gets higher and higher until it’s continuous]
M2: oh no, that one’s going to do it!

[fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling]
M2: fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!
Fatty: [continuing his loud annoying whine] I’m sorry!
Fireman ray: fire! man the building!
M1: sorry fireman ray, it’s not the fire alarm.
Fireman ray: fatty mcgee, is that you again!?
Fatty: [stillin whining annoyingly] yes. [snort] sorry. [snort]
Fireman ray: didn’t we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?
Fatty: [whiney voice] but I like the stairs!
Fireman ray: [annoyed] why!?
Fatty: [still whining horribly] they’re fun!
Fireman ray: oh fatty mcgee, you’re the fattest!
[everyone laughing at stupid joke]
[raspberry]