Homer Simpson

    * And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
    * To alcohol! The cause of- and solution to- all of life's problems
    * Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
    * What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
    * To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
    * Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
    * I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute
    * Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."
    * Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!
    * Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
    * That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
    * You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
    * If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
    * Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
    * Kids are great, Apu. You teach them to hate the same things you hate and they practically raise themselves.
    * Operator! Give me the number for 911
    * Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
    * Just once I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.
    * Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals.....except of course the weasel..
    * Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
    * Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
    * If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
    * Save me, Jeebus!
    * My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay.
    * (imitating Mr. Burns' "Excellent" while auditioning to be Mr. Burns): "Exactly...d'oh!"
    * GYME? What's a GYME? (Sees Gym) Oohh, a gyme!
    * Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
    * God bless those pagans.

Marge Simpson

    * Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Lisa Simpson

    * I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.
    * Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Bart Simpson

    * I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?
    * Eat my shorts.
    * Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
    * It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
    * What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
    * Wow! God is so in your face. Homer: Yea, he's my favorite fictional character.
    * Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Grandpa Simpson

    *

      Son, I'm not going to lie to you. You're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride I say take it

Chief Wiggum

    * He insulted me! He called me chief Piggum....oh wait now I get it ha ha ha!
    * Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?-
    * Oh my God! Someone took a bite from the giant rice crispy square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutaly beaten.
    * Ok folks, back away nothin to see here... Oh my god a horrible plane wreck! Hey everybody crowd around, come on don't be shy crowd around.
    * You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
    * I hope this has taught you kids a leason: kids never learn.
    * See you in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with you, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
    * All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
    * Well let me ask you this: shut up.
    * No jury in the world is going to convict a baby.... Maybe Texas.

Ralph Wiggum

    * When the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
    * That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.
    * Oh boy sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
    * Me fail English, that's unpossible
    * Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
    * When I grow up, I want to be just like principal Skinner. . . or a caterpillar!
    * When I grow up, I'm going to bovine university!

Mr. Burns

    * hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar.
    * Why Monty you dance like the devil" "WHO TOLD YOU THAT!"
    * We must crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colenol Montoya.... In that I mean, it's time for the worker of the week award.
    * Burns: Smithers, look a bird has become petrified and lost its way.
      Smithers: I think it's a rock, sir.
    * Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun
    * Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese
    * Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
    * Smithers: "Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre." Mr.Burns: "I ought to club them and eat their bones!"
    * You know, I'm no art critic. But I know what I hate.
    * Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
    * What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Barney Gumbel

    * An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it
    * Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up!

Comic Book Guy

    * Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much much more.
    * Oh your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go for the good of the city
    * I must return to my lair, where I dispense the insults, rather than absorb them.
    * Internet King? Perhaps he can provide faster nudity.
    * Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

Kent Brockman

    * and that fluffy kitten played with that ball of string, all through the night. And on a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered
    * Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

Moe

    * Well I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff.
    * Hi, I'm Moe, or, as the ladies used to call me: "Hey you behind the bushes"
    * Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
    * They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
    * Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Professor Frink

    * All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?

Lionel Hutz

    * Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."