Food Innuendo Guy

Performed by adam sandler

Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won’t you pluck my grapes
Won’t you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I’m your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can’t you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I’m your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Oh what will it take
Don’t go so soon
You’ll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom

Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno’s red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I’m your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah

Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I’ll give you fresh fruit salad
I don’t get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I’m your cucumber man
I’m your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh so delicious

Four Years Old

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, and jon rosenburg

Hey
Why’d you wake me from my nap?
I’m not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap

You
Where’s my yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
’cuz I’m just getting over a cold

I’m four years old!
I’m four years old!
I’m four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!

Now
I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry ’cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol

Outside
I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging’s up to you
And I won’t take a bath
Unless you make me spaghetti-o’s

I’m four years old!
I’m four years old!
I’m four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the chocolate factory

Well
I can’t have a job
And I can’t go to school
If no grownups are around
I can’t go near the pool
I’m not alowed to climb
My neighbor’s apple tree
I’m not allowed to sit
Too close to the tv
I don’t know how to drive
And I don’t know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
’cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold

I’m four years old!
I’m four years old!
I’m four years old!
I just threw up on my grandmother

Girl

Arsenio (chris rock):
Now don’t leave us hanging with just that.

Jp:
Yeah, I hear that, arsenio.
Yo guys, lets kick it!

(music starts playing)

Jp:
Yo now, before we start singing,
You also want to know in addition to writing our own songs,
We also do our own choreography.

Jp:
Girl, I can’t stop thinking of you girl,
Y-o-u, spells girl.
Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes,
Cause the ladys’ not here, to help us no more.
Went down to the store, I got myself some juice,
Its tasted good and fresh and I love you.

All:
Girl, you are wicked awesome.

Dc:
I buttoned up my own shirt, whew!

All:
Because, you girl...

Rs:
Whenever I make my own plane reservations...

All:
I think of you girl, cause girl you are wicked awesome!

As:
My name is donny, and I’m here to say
They call me donny, cause that’s my name.
Banana’s are good in every way,
An apple a day, keeps the doctor away,
Purina cat chow -

All:
Chow, chow, chow.

As:
If my friends could only see me now,
I’m walking, I’m talking, mccauly caukin,
Roger clemmons was called for walking.
Word, sister!

All:
1, 2, dosey dow, dosey dow.

All:
You are... wicked awesome!

As:
Peace.

Grow Old With You

Grow old with you

Performed by adam sandler
On the wedding singer soundtrack

Contributed by jbrai

Billy idol (speaking): good afternoon everyone. we’re flying at 26,000 feet,
Moving
Up to thirty thousand feet, and then we’ve got clear skies
All the way to las vegas, and right now we’re bringin you some in-flight
Entertainment. one of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song
Inspired by one of our coach passenger, and since we let our first-class
Passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.

Robbie hart (singing):
I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
I’ll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

I’ll need you
I’ll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

I’m So Wasted


Performed by adam sandler and rob schneider

[sound of crickets. guy walks across grass]
Joe: hey pal! how ya doin?
M2: I’m so wasted, man.
Joe: yeah, you are, oh ho ho!
M2: thanks man.
Joe: it’s good party, huh?
M2: oh, it’s great man.
Joe: hey that’s some good acid, huh?
M2: oh, killer man.
Joe: hey, my pleasure.
M2: I’ve never been higher.
Joe: oh ho, you must be freaking out.
M2: acid’s great man.
Joe: it’s the best.
M2: everytime I do acid man, I’m so high.
Joe: yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now.
M2: this is the best acid, man.
Joe: what are you seein, man?
M2: oh, i, that cloud up there, man.
Joe: whoa
M2: it’s got a vein in it.
Joe: oh-holy cow! really!?
M2: and it’s bleeding on me, man.
Joe: it’s bleeding on ya? well watch out!
M2: look at my hand, man.
Joe: yeah?
M2: it-it’s moving, but it’s not moving.
Joe: it’s not?
M2: it’s still there, but it looks like it’s moving.
Joe: hey, yeah to you it is.
M2: I’m so high.
Joe: yeah, you must be flipping out.
M2: I’m flipping out off it.
Joe: hallucinations, man.
M2: acid..right.
Joe: hey, I got some news fer ya.
M2: I’m seeing stuff, man.
Joe: yeah, yer seeing stuff.
M2: right.
Joe: well, that’s what happens when you take acid, but you know what?
M2: what man?
Joe: uhhh, that really wasn’t acid. that was just a little piece of paper I ripped off of my notebook.
[silence]

M2: wha? it’s probly this weed I’m smokin’, man.
Joe: oh, that weed.
M2: that thai bud, man.
Joe: whoa.
M2: [laughing] everything’s hilarious.
Joe: [laughing] that’s funny man. look at that guy.
M2: [laughing] that’s funny man.
Joe: [laughing] look at that guy’s hat man.
M2: [laughing] everything’s funny to me, man.
Joe: right. hey, how man bones didya smoke? a few joints, man?
M2: I had about four.
Joe: whoa, that’s a lot of bones to be smokin’, man.
M2: the whole thing’s man.
Joe: yeah, you sucked ’em down yerself.
M2: ain’t that hilarious!?
Joe: you didn’t wanna share, didja?
M2: it was great stuff, man.
Joe: aww, yeah, hey I got some news on that stuff too.
M2: hey what man?
Joe: that’s the stuff I sold you, right?
M2: yeah, right.
Joe: yeah
M2: it’s funny, man.
Joe: well, well, uh..
M2: I’m wasted off it, man.
Joe: yeah, well that’s good. you smoked it, right?
M2: right.
Joe: well that really wans’t weed.
[pause]
Joe: no it wasn’t, it was pencil shavings in a bag.
[silence]

Joe: yeah.
M2: well, it’s probably this beer. this beer I’m drinking, man. I must be drunk off it or something. ya know, I had about eighteen of them, man.
Joe: whoa, oh really!?
M2: I’m just..wasted off ’em.
Joe: that’s a lot of beer for a man to drink.
M2: man, I gotta pea pretty soon, man.
Joe: you didn’t dump ’em out in the woods, didja?
M2: no..no..no.. I drank all of them.
Joe: right, yeah. I saw you..that’s good. hey didja eat today?
M2: no, I’m on an empty stomach.
Joe: whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you.
M2: ..and that’s why I’m so wasted off it man, it’s like I’m seeing things, man.
Joe: yeah, you can hardly stand, man.
M2: you should take my car keys, cuz I can’t drive, man.
Joe: right, right.
M2: I can barely walk.
Joe: hey man, you better open those eyes up, they’re half shut.
M2: there’s two of you, man. I can’t see anymore, man, I’m blind!
Joe: right.. I got the beers, huh? I’m the man, right?
M2: yeah, you are the man.
Joe: say it. say I’m the man.
M2: yer da man!!
Joe: okay, well that beer..
M2: yeah?
Joe: there was no alcohol in that beer.
[pause]
Joe: that was non-alcoholic. so..uhh..again, I’m gonna have to bust you on this one. you’re lying.
[silence]

M2: [mumbling] I’ll be right back.
Joe: ok, buddy, you go sober up.
[walking different directions, gun goes off]
Joe: oh my god! he killed himself! he killed himself!
[runs over]
Joe: oh my god! you killed yerself, buddy.
M2: yeah, I’m dead, man.
Joe: oh my, oh yer dead.
M2: yeah, I’m dead, man.
Joe: that is awefull.
M2: there’s a big white light and everything, man.
Joe: yeah! well you showed us all, man.
M2: oh man, I’m so peaceful here man.
Joe: yeah, you see anything weird, or..
M2: my relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfather’s there and..
Joe: ooooh, I remember him, he’s a good guy.
M2: he’s still wearing the same clothes, and..
Joe: hey, say hello fer me, huh?
M2: hey man, joe says hi, man.
Joe: [chuckling] right.
M2: it’s yeah..my uncle’s here and...
Joe: right..right.. hey I got some news for ya. this is so funny.
M2: yeah? what, man?
Joe: yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven. the gun, you killed yerself with, that’s the one I sold you, right?
M2: yeah.
Joe: yeah, well that was a cap gun. so, there’s no way you could have killed yourself.
[pause]
Joe: yeah, that’s right, ok.. I’m going back to the party. ok, take care.
[walks back]

M2: [whimpering and crying] I’m moving to a different town man.

- four weeks later.

[pouring drink]
M2: oh this beer is great, man. this tequila is really strong, man. it’s got a worm, and everything in it, man.
Buffoon: fuckin’ shit!
M2: all being in the sun, you’re even more wasted. fuckin’ shit is right, man! I am totally wasted now, man. I should maybe get an umbrella or something and go in the shade.
Buffoon: I know a guy who can suck his own dick.
M2: yeah, I know a guy who can do that too. he’s the drummer from molly hatchet and one night we had two cases of southern comfort, man. we were so wasted off it. I’m serious man.

Joining The Cult


Performed by adam sandler and allen

Transcribed by big brother.

[sounds of basketball being shot around]
Sandler: hey man, I’m joining a religious cult.
Allen: now, that’s ridiculous.
Sandler: well, I’m joining it, so you gotta sign up too.
Allen: what are you talking about?
Sandler: hey, don’t fuck me on this, man, just sign up.
Allen: no, I’m not going to join a cult!
Sandler: I can’t believe you’re pulling this shit on me after monday night --
Allen: what?
Sandler: -- I wanted to watch monday night football and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show -- I did that for you!
Allen: yeah, well, you kept flippin’ back to the game.
Sandler: I wanted to see the fuckin’ score! whadda you gotta do that’s so fucking importnat you can’t join the religious cult with me?
Allen: well, I was gonna go sunbathing.
Sandler: oh, boy, no no, I don’t think you should do that. because this guy, russell -- he’s the leader-guy of the cult --
Allen: -- yeah --
Sandler: -- he was rambling on during one of the speeches about the sun being bad, like the beast can’t come out because the sun’s too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something -- you
Up all sunburned and that guy’s gonna get pissed at you and me!
Allen: well, I’m not in the cult, so I don’t have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!
Sandler: look, I’m -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy’s been saying -- some of it makes a lot of sense!
Allen: well, good, but I don’t want to join the cult. we can still hang out; I just won’t be in it with you.
Sandler: the point is, I’m not gonna have time to hang out with you because I’m gonna be fuckin’ busy with this fuckin’ cult!
Allen: so I’ll visit on weekends -- we’ll work it out.
Sandler: no, the weekends are like the busiest time -- that’s when we go to flea malls and fuckin’ malls and talk people into joining, man!
Allen: can I join for just a little while? I told my dad I’d go visit him in florida in three weeks.
Sandler: well, just, we’ll ask then, but we gotta join now.
Allen: what’s the hurry?
Sandler: there’s a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck’s your problem?
Allen: well, I mean I don’t really have to believe in this stuff, do i?
Sandler: no, no, just fuckin’ tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go, yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin’ hate it too, long live the fuckin’ beast."

Allen: I don’t know, man. this is crazy.
Sandler: look, they’re gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you’re gonna get food --
Allen: -- it’s not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?
Sandler: it’s gonna be a haircut, all right? you said you need a haircut, they’re gonna fuckin’ cut your hair. you’re going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin’ do it!
Allen: do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?
Sandler: yeah, sure, and if she doesn’t, she’ll go out and recruit one for you!
Allen: well, all right. but, hey, if I don’t like it, I’m going to escape, man.
Sandler: ok, that’s up to you.

Three weeks later!

[chanting repeatedly] the night time is the right time! the night time is the right time!
Sandler: hey buddy, are you glad you did this?
Allen: oh, this is the best thing I ever did. thank you.
Sandler: you’re not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?
Allen: you know, it’s like they said. it was the only way to save him.
Sandler: you’re a good guy.
Allen: you’re a better one.
[chanting resumes]

Listenin’ to The Radio

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, and jon rosenburg

Where’s my peggy sue?
I could use a rosalita
If there’s a long tall sally out there
I’m dyin’ to meet her
Why can’t I hear beth callin’ me?
Why can’t I be the one to make sara smile?
I wish I was arm in arm with jean genie
Walkin’ down the aisle

Oh yeah, all right

But I got no mary jane
There’s no sloopy or dancin’ queen
I’m just a fool in the rain
Waitin’ on my billie jean

I want an angie, a mandy, a candy-o
A devil in a dress of blue
A rosanna, diana, a sweet caroline
I’d even take a run-around sue

Oh yeah, all right

Well, I never got to scream for a layla
I never saw mary-anne walkin’ away
I never danced on the sand with a rio
Or woke up with a maggie may

I dialed 867-5309
But there was no jenny jenny
Oh, why can’t I get myself a brown-eyed girl
When willie nelson loved so many?

And why does jack have diane?
And why does billy joe have bobbie sue?
And everybody had roxanne
Except you-know-who

I want an angie, a mandy, a candy-o
A devil in a dress of blue
A rosanna, diana, a sweet caroline
I’d even take a run-around sue

Well I’d take any ol’ suzy q
I got no reason to be picky
She can be a goody-goody-two-shoes
Or she can be my darling nikki

Oh, brandy would be such a fine girl
And so would the sweet judy blue
I guess I sound just like that other fella
’cause you know I wish I had jessie’s girl too

Oh yeah, all right

Well, I’d die for a kiss from allison
Even though I know she’d break my heart
Or give me a lo-lo-lo-lola
Minus the extra part

I want an angie, a mandy, a candy-o
A devil in a dress of blue
A rosanna, diana, a sweet caroline
I’d even take a run-around sue

You know I’d even take a run-around sue
Well, I’d even take a run-around sue

Oh yeah, all right

 Lunchlady Land

Performed by adam sandler

This is a song...
This is uhh, this is a new song...
It’s through the eyes of one of the greatest people alive, I feel...
The lunchlady
[laughing]

Woke up in the morning
Put on my new plastic glove
Served some reheated salisbury steak
With a little slice of love
Got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of
Just know everything’s doing fine
Down here in lunchlady land

Well I wear this net on my head
’cause my red hair is fallin’ out
I wear these brown orthopedic shoes
’cause I got a bad case of the gout
I know you want seconds on the corndogs
But there’s no reason to shout
Everybody gets enough food
Down here in lunchlady land

Well yesterday’s meatloaf is today’s sloppy joes
And my breath reeks of tuna
And there’s lots of black hairs coming out of my nose
In lunchlady land your dreams come true
Clouds made of carrots and peas
Mountains built of shepherds pie
And rivers made of macaroni and cheese
But don’t forget to return your trays
And try to ignore my gum disease
No student can escape the magic of lunchlady land

Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans, navy beans
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans
Meatloaf sandwich
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe

Well I dreamt one morning
That I woke up to see
All the pepperoni pizza
Was a-looking at me
It screamed, why do you burn me
And serve me up cold
I said I got the spatula
Just do what you’re told
Then the liver & onions
Started joining the fight
And the chocolate pudding
Pushed me with all it’s might
And the chop suey slapped me
And it kicked me in the head
It’s called revenge lunchlady
Said the garlic bread
I said what did I do
To make you all so mad
They said you got flabby arms
And your breath is bad
Then the green beans said
You better run and hide
But then my friend sloppy joe came
And joined my side
He said if it wasn’t for the lunchlady
The kids wouldn’t eatcha
You should be shakin’ her hand
And sayin’ please to meet ya
She gives you a purpose
And she gives you a goal
You should be kissin’ her feet
And kissin’ her mole
Now all the angry foods
Just leave me alone
And we all live together
In a happy home

Thanks to
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe

[spoken]
Well me & sloppy joe got married
We got six kids and we’re doing’ just fine
Down in lunchlady land

Medium Pace

Put your arms around me babe,
Can’t you see I need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
’cause I’m about to begin
Lovin’ you.

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.

You see that shampoo bottle? now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.

Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people
You work with.

Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend I’m the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.

I feel so humiliated. I’m about to blow my load.
You tell it’s time to make love but I can’t ’cuz I spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much I enjoy loving you. oh.
I’m so sorry I spunked all over my stomach.
Maybe next time I’ll be better at loving you.

Memory Lane

Performed by adam sandler, frank, judd, and allen

Transcribed by a fan

M1: hey, it’s great to have us all out on a road trip again this is gonna be fun
[all agree]
M2: whoa,do you smell that skunk
All: yeah
M2: you know, even though it stinks it kinda reminds me of growing up
[all agree]
M3: it kinda reminds me of smelling weed
[all agree]
M1: hey, it reminds me of smelling a pussy
[all agree]
M2: it reminds me of smelling an ass
[all agree]
M4: it reminds me of smelling a 60 year old guys ass
[car screeches, he drops out of the car]
M4: hey, screw you guys I am who I am deal with it

M1: I’m glad we got rid of him his was a wierdo
M3: oh my god, that was a little out there, hey check out a water slide, man, those things always remind me of my 13th birthday party, remember that
[all agree]
M1: hey, it reminds me of that girl I met last year who was a lifegaurd at one of those things, she was unbelievable
[all agree]
M2: hey, it reminds me of that rich girl I went out with and when her dad went out of town we fooled around in his jucuzzi
[all agree]
M3: it also reminds me of the time I saw a 60 year old guy slide down one of those things and he was going so fast his bathing suit fell off, and I just stood there at his big beutiful hai
Lls flopping around, holy geez I wanted to lick em’
[car screeches he drops out of it]
M3: I hate you guys, you tricked me into sayin’ that

M2: I always knew that guy was a little wierd
M1: hey, there’s a pizza place it smells awesome
M2: it reminds me of the time I used to work in a pizza place
M1: it reminds me of my first date with this girl named ginger, I took her to a pizza place
M2: hey, it also reminds me of the time I ate a slice of pizza, and then went over to a 60 year old man’s house and made him fuck me in the ass in front of his kids
[car screeches, he drops out of it]
M2: hey don’t get all hitey mitey he wanted me to do it

M1: man they were all crazy, hey, what’s that
Cow: moo
M1: oh my god, ahhhhhhhhhhh
[car chrashes]

Hey that last skit was written for a reason, if any of your buddy’s have fooled around with a 60 year old man, don’t throw them out of your car, or you will die, now enjoy the rest of the