Top Ten Lists: The Motherload

Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women
10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer won't get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
4...You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.

Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer
10...Yea, I could use a credit card,I just filed for bankruptcy.
9...What are you wearing right now?
8...I'm wearing....(Add Lib)
7...How do you spell your name, yourcompany name, any kids...etc...
6...OMG I haven't seen you since highschool, (Go on and on)
5...(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go! and hang up.....
4...What? What????? I can't hear you.
3...Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down....
2...Can you fax this to me, (Give a fake number)
1...Hey, I'm under house arrest, couldyou bring me some beer?


Top Ten Blonde Inventions
10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag


Top Ten Ways to tell your HMO is going bankrupt
10...Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9...Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8...Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7...Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6...Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day." 5...Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4..."Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3...The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2...With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little m's on them.
1...When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.


Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.co


Top Ten Children's books never published
10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play!
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddy's New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.


Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks
10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild
9...Tractor trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.
8...Opening your trunk includes finding a screwdriver.
7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.
5...The motor is so loud you can't hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.
4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.
3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.
2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or hooptee.
1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured.


Top Ten ways to tell you are fat
10...You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says "Picture continued on other side".
6...You go to a restaraunt and insted of amenu ,you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and abus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT!.
1...You get runs in your jeans.

Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Yell In Victoria's Secret
10... Does this come in children's sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2...45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1... Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.


Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
10.... Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5....Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.


Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over
10.... Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8.... You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
5.... Officer says, "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You respond with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
4.... Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
3.... Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
2.... Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
l.... I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


Top Ten shortest books
10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton


Top Ten Funniest Newspaper Headlines
1.... "Overeating main cause of obesity"
2.... "Dog kills cat, self"
3.... "Two ships collide. One dead"
4.... "Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism"
5.... "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages."
6.... "Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"
7.... "Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
8.... "Eye Drops Off Shelf"
9.... "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
10.... "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"


Top Ten best condoms
10.....Nike condom: Just do it.
9.....Toyota condom: Oh what a feeling.
8.....Diet Pepsi Condom: You got the right one, baby.
7.....Pringles condom: Once you pop, you can't stop.
6.....Mentos condom: The freshmaker.
5.....Flintstones Vitamins condom: Ten million strong and growing.
4.....Secret condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced 3.....for a woman.
2.....Macintosh condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
1.....Ford condoms: The best never rest.
MORE GOOD ONES..
Chevy condoms: Like a rock.
Dial condom: Aren't you glad you use it?
Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto condom: Cause hey- you never know.
California Lotto condom: Who's next?
Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.
KFC condom: Finger-licking good.
Coca-cola condom: Always the real thing.
Lays condom: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's condom: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric condom: We bring good things to life.
AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer condom: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: Melts in your mouth not in your hand.
Taco Bell condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI condom: For friends and family.
Doublemint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Travel Pack condom: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Travel pack condom: Fly United.
The Star Trek condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.


Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say
10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3..... We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.


Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say
10..... Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute!
5..... This diamond is way too big!
4..... I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow!
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches!!
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... I'm wrong. You must be right again.