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Tema: Ultimate put-downs collection  (Pročitano 2754 puta)
16. Jun 2005, 11:43:02
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Pol Muškarac
Poruke Odustao od brojanja
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Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?   
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?   
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?   
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?   
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?   
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?   
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.   
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?   
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?   
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.   
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.   
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.   
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.   
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.   
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.   
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.   
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!   
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.   
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.   
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.   
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!   
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!   
I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.   
Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?   
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.   
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?   
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.   
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.   
You should be the poster child for birth control.   
You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?   
You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.   
When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.   
So what's the latest dope - besides you?   
They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.   
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.   
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.   
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Stop...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.   
Do they ever shut up on your planet?   
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?   
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.   
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about."   
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."   
What's your point? I mean beside the tip of your head?   
Pre-menstrual Syndrome: Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. -Heinlein   
You'll have to excuse me a sec, I'm having a blonde moment.   
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Not all men are fools...some are bachelors.   
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!   
Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.   
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.   
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.   
Support bacteria... it's the only culture some people have!   
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself!   
Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?   
Is it time for your medication or mine?   
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?   
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!   
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?   
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.   
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.   
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.   
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.   
I may have my faults, but being wrong about you isn't one of them!   
Who named you "Taste Police" anyway?   
Husbands are proof that women have a sense of humor.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?   
Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!   
Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!   
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?   
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!   
Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.   
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton   
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
This is an "A" "B" conversation so "C" your way out of it.   
Mirrors don't talk, and luckily for you they don't laugh either!   
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?   
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!   
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. * Marie Corelli   
You are so ugly I had to send you this Siglet instead of telling you in person!   
If I throw a stick, will you go away.   
Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.   
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.   
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?   
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.   
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.   
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.   
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.   
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.   
Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else.   
If you were any dummer, you'd have to be watered twice a week!   
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.   
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - of course they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.   
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.   
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway!   
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?   
Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!"   
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!   
Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter!   
I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you - it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.   
Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?   
You’ll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!   
I have yet to meet a man...so far I have only met the male species!   
When God created man, SHE was only joking!   
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.   
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.   
In politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.   
Why is it there are so many more horses’ asses than there are horses?   
Conceit is God’s gift to little men.   
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
Why don't we play house? You be the door and I'll slam you!   
Does Barry Manilow know that you raided his wardrobe?   
If I saw myself in clothes like that...I'd have to kick my own ass!   
Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?   
Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.   
Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not.   
I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.   
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.   
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.   
Grow your own DOPE ... plant a MAN!
Your'er so cheap, I bet you look under the bed in the morning to see if you lost any sleep.   
Given the capacity to be stupid, people will be.   
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.   
To any man who thinks not asking for directions is no big deal, I have two words: Donner Party.   
Your village called. They want their idiot back.   
Judging from the behavior of some people...not all jackasses have tails.   
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.   
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.   
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.   
Don't mind her. She hasn't been in a good mood since someone dropped a house on her sister.
When GOD created man...SHE was only joking!   
Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.   
Good men are like Martians, you hear a lot about them but you never actually see one.   
"If brains were money, you'd need to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee."   
Never trust a man with short legs. Brains too near their bottoms.   
May the road rise up to meet you & hit you in the face.   
"Ironic isn't it? I no sooner get the closet of my dreams then my husband comes out of it" -Fraiser-   
"If I throw a stick will you go away?"   
"Your kid may be an honor roll student, but you're still an idiot!"   
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.   
Men are like curling irons. Thery're always hot, they're always in your hair.   
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.   
Your so ugly, your family portraits hang themselves.   
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.   
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.   
Women's faults are many, men have just two!
Everything they say and everything they do!!!    
Your ego is writing checks your body can't cash.   
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?   
God made moms and it was good, God made little girls and it was better, God made men, and said two out of three ain't bad!
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.   
The problem with people who worship themselves is: when they get together, their religions conflict.   
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.   
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.   
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?   
If idiots could fly ... this place would be an airport.   
I've finally figured out why you always have that stupid grin on your face ... You're stupid!   
Grow dope...Plant a man...   
Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.    
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.   
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.   
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.   
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor)n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.    
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks)n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.    
AIRHEAD (er*hed)n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.    
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.   
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.   
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?   
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
I got a gun for my wife - best trade I ever made.    
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.    
If ignorance is bliss, you must be in nirvana.    
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I'm the head of the table. You're the butt.   
"If brains were electricity, you wouldn't have enough energy to run the dynamo in a lightning bug's ass."   
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-laws picture on the back of a milk carton.   
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!   
Men are like toilets - they're either taken or full of doo-doo!
Hope that it is not your sole purpose in life tosimply serve as a warning to others.    
Ignorance is bliss. You must be the HAPPIEST PERSON ALIVE!   
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?   
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up your a$$.      
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.   
I was going to be a police officer, but I decided to finish high school instead.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You're about as much fun as chewing burlap on a muggy day.
You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope. - Irish Curse
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?
He's got brains by Mattel.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.
Your sister didn't get beat with the ugly stick. The whole tree fell on her!
If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt & teach it to walk backwards!
You give superficial a bad name. - Byron Alley
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
Just because your head is pointed doesn't mean you're sharp.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
You're about as slow as a turtle crawling through peanut butter.
She's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster is dead...
Oh Dear! Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. - L. Atkinson
She's a few fries short of a happy meal.
I would engage you in a battle of wits but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person.
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
She has Van Gogh's ear for music.
The lights are on but no one's home.
If you are in anyway unsatisfied with this email and it's contents, please feel free to bite me.   
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein   
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
Engineer: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.   
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Women's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it!
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.
Men have feelings too (but who really cares)
My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).
I haven't met Mr. Right yet, but I have met Mr. Rude, Mr. Cheap and Mr. Married.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane... unfortunately, I'm married to a speedbump.
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.
My knight in shining armor is lost in the woods and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've been in that phone booth for twenty minutes and didn't say a word! Sir, I'm talking to my wife.   
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
"A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is a utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep." - Elain on Seinfeld, on why men shouldn't walk around naked.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former - Albert Einstein   
For those who understand no explanation is needed, ...For those who don't none will do. - Jerry Lewis   
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. - Golda Meir
Children should neither be seen nor heard from... ever again. - W. C. Fields   
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States. - J. Bartlett Brebner
Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. W. Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!
Reader, suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
Winston, you are drunk. - Lady Astor - Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober - Winston Churchill
I'm Sorry,You Must Think I Care!
Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied Sidewinders
2 - Two-faced Tortfeasors
1 - Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators
3 - Horn Rimmed Cut-throats
2 - Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.   
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.-Groucho Marx   
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from non-practitioners. - G. O. Ashley   
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.    
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.    
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.   
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.   
An accountant is a person hired to explain that you didn't make the money you thought you did.    
Politics consists in the art of taking votes from the poor and money from the rich under the pretext of protecting each from the other.    
It occurs to me: The prefixes "pro" and "con" are opposites. Consider, for example, the word "progress."
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen (1935-____) --American humorist, director, actor, author   
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen (1894-1956) --American commedian, stage and movie actor, radio broadcaster   
The more I know about men the more I like dogs. - Gloria Allred   
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig. - Alfred Hitchcock
Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them. - Robert Strauss on conducting
All Scottish food is based on a dare.
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the administrators are Swiss and the lovers are Italian. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are Italian, the administrators are French and the lovers are Swiss.   
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. - Rebecca West, 1913
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?   
Never have I seen a word as accurate as politics. Poly meaning many, and tic being a blood-sucking thing.
Bureaucracy - transforming energy into solid waste.
Politicians are those who deal with the problems which would not exist if they didn't exist.   
I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said - William Buckley, Jr.   
"85% of the world's work is done by people who don't feel very well" - Winston Churchill   
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Groucho Marx: "I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing."   
Groucho Marx: "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."   
Groucho Marx: "Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Groucho Marx: "She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."   
Groucho Marx: "Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."   
Groucho Marx: "Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets   
Grow your own dope, plant a man   
Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk!
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?   
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged   
Boldly going nowhere
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