It's time once again to consider the candidates for
the 2003 Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on
herself and successfully sued McDonalds.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most
uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for
last year. Actually, joint awards should be given to
the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the
juries who awarded anything at all to these
morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!

The following are this year's candidates:

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded
$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's
son.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000
and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his
hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't
notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving
a house he had just finished robbing by way of the
garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go
up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't reenter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled
it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag
of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded
$14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the
buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the
time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly
with a pellet gun.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx!
(tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued
the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when
she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while
Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window
in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway,
he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back and make
himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left
the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski
sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's
manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury
awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The
company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
this suit, just in case there were any other complete
morons buying their recreation vehicles.