He is not just a man. He is a CARNIE!

Eh, come on, he doesn't have any money. Just look at his clothes! [to Carnie Supervisor about Bart].

Homer : I want to be a carnie too!
Carnie Supervisor : I don't know. Will you get drunk and cause a lot of trouble?
Homer : Whatever you want.

Carnie : Why didn't you bribe him?
Homer : I was TRYING to. But the opportunity never came up. [regarding the ring-toss game at the carnival].

Marge : Happy Love Day, everyone!
Lisa : Mom, it's just another day they made up.
Homer : Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.

Good news, everyone. I got into a fight with the garbage men and they cut off our service.

I would rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.

Bart : But you always tell me and Lisa to apologize.
Homer : Yes I do. But secretly I am always disappointed when you do.

Bald woman : Eh! this is a restricted area.
Homer : Take a hike, Kojak! [at the U2 concert].

Did we lose a war? That is not America. That is not even Mexico. [Homer, the candidate for Sanitation Commissioner].

Sanitation Commissioner : Sorry I am late. [furiously looks at Homer]. Somebody tampered with my brakes.
Homer : Then you should have been here early.

Sanitation Commissioner : I can't believe what I am hearing!
Homer : Then you better turn up your hearing aid, pops.

Sanitation Commissioner : You are going to crash and burn, my dear fat friend.
Homer : Then we are still friends, right?

TV news : "The scientists have announced that the Springfield air is harmful only to children and the elderly."
Homer : WOOHOO!!!

Homer : I swear on my dad's grave that I'll get you a present. [for Bart's birthday].
Abe : Heh!

My prices are so low you will think that I'm brain-damaged. [Homer, the Mr.Plow].

Bart : Are you licenced to sell ...
Homer : Shut up boy.

Animation ... It's so great. It's way better than ... ... whatever its alternative is.

Wait . .. wait ... was that cat making out with that mouse?

Dont' spray or neuter your friends (Homer the animation comic).

[After watching the spectacle of Homer pretending to be himself, Marge and lisa behind a plant at the bank]
Banker : Huh! here's your life savings.
Homer : Oh yeah! it is in bills!

Marge : You lost all our money?
Homer : I didn't lose ALL our money. I had enough for this cow bell. [rings it and the bell falls apart]. ... Damn you, Ebay.

Come on Marge, it is Uterus not UterU [a money making idea by making Marge a surrogate mother].

Eh! I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and prodded, not insulted [Homer, the research subject].

... and they gave me this nerd ensemble.

[to Flanders] I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved that there is no God. [Homer, the brainy guy after removing the crayon from his brain].

Mmm ... I smell a distinct odor of anti-intellectualism in this tavern [Homer, the brainy guy].

Is there no place for a man with a 105 IQ?

Mmmmm ... Hug.

I knew this day would come. The cows are taking back what's theirs. [redwood tree episode].

(Prison Rodeo Clown episode)
Marge : How is your back, Homie?
Homer : I can't complain. [points to the sign saying 'No Complaining'].
Doctor : That is for the prisoners.
Homer : Oh! ... OH GOD! my back! my back! ... and my job is so unfulfilling.

Doctor : The modern medicine has such a bad track record on the back. We focus mainly on the front.
Homer : Yeah! there is some pretty neat stuff here. [looks down at his crotch].

Homer : Oh my God, my back! That Dr.Steve didn't do anything.
Bart : Did you do the exercises he asked you to do?
Yeah right. I did them when you were studying ... ha ha ha

Man : Can you cure my sianac?
Homer : I don't know what that means, but I am going to say yes.
[Homer, the chiropractor with a Spino Cylinder at El Clinico Magnifico].

Flanders : Eh! you got a new tennis court.
Homer : Keep walking Flanders.
Flanders : Mmm
Homer : Faster.

I love you this much dad. [stretches his hands wide]. But that is under 900 dollars. [Funeral arrangements for Abe Simpson].

Funeral Director : You can have the 17,000 dollar package or you can throw your father to the wolves.
Homer : ... we've decided to go with the wolves.

Heh, check it out, I am surfing the net. [Homer standing on the tennis net].

Relax Marge, all sports have their own loveable clowns ... John Rocker ... O.J.Simpson ...

[Homer under therapy with Lisa after Marge rejects him to be her partner in Tennis].
I've been replaced by some younger in-your-face version of me.

Lisa : Dad, you're over-reacting.
Homer : under-reacting.
Lisa : This session is OVER.
Homer : This session is UNDER.
Lisa : Good bye!
Homer : Bad bye!

Serena : You're dumping your won daughter?
Homer : Only to crush my wife and son.
Serena : That's disgusting.
Venus : That's awful.
Homer : You seem less disgusted. [to Venus].

[after the whole family has been replaced by professional tennis players]
Homer : I am Andre Agassi.
Bart : I am Serena.
Homer : He he he ... you are a girl.

Singing is the lowest form of communication. [Nanny Sherry Bobbins episode].

[At the Blockoland mirrors]
He he he ... I am a robot. Do what I say. He he he ... I am a washing maching. Do what I say.

... and I gave the man the directions, even though I didn't know the way ... because ... that's the kind of guy I am ... ... this week.

Homer : Oh! how long was I here?
Bart : All night. You were yelling at the swing.
Homer : I did? but I love that swing.
Bart : Dad , you were NUTS.
Homer : Well you know me ... sometimes I'll be quirky ... Alberquerque.

Mmm ...I am wasting away ... I am down to a B-cup. (juggles his breasts). [Homer on hunger strike for the Springfield Isotopes].

... I am kinda like Jesus, but not in that sacriligious way.

Mmm ... Me So Hungy ...

Baby Proofer : See how easily I could be drinking this ... ... Similac Baby Formula ...?
Homer : Oh! NO! [grabs the plastic bottle from the saleswoman and jumps on it]. ... This is such an eye opener. I always pictured the kids would die in the living room!

Dr.J : The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt. [hands Homer a slip of paper]
Homer : Nine hundred and twelve!!?!?
Dr.J : Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen.
Homer : [disappointed] Oh!

Marge : It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious.
Homer : Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he is today! It must be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart ... Lisa maybe you should try some of this.
Marge : Homer!
Homer : I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.

Homer : [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high. Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I ...
Burns : Simpson! Time's up.
Homer : What the hay, I'll take the job.

Library selling books? Why don't they give them for free? Why do they have to sell them?

Homer : Can any one run three and a half miles in one minute?
Lisa : Only in Mars.
Homer : Okay, the Simpsons are going to MARS! ... [thinks] ... may be I'll try something else. (for Guinness book)

Homer : I'll play the banjo with a cobra.
Guinness People : Technically the cobra is the one playing.
Homer : But it's my banjo.

Guinness People : There are thousands of people with no discernable talents.
Homer : He he he ... That's called congress.

Guinness People : Congrats, Springfield. You're the fattest town in the country.
Homer : Ooh hoo! in your face, Milwakee!

Homer : Oh! if it's not the woman who is too busy saving the world to save her own marriage.
Marge : Why didn't you just turn off the oven?
Homer : [crying] I was hoping to do it together.

Ooh! sticky spot!!!

Burns : Homer, we need your help to smuggle some sugar from the south of the border .
Homer : From Tennessee???

[fighting with a bird for a map].
Okay, I'll use reverse psychology. Who needs that paper, anyway?
[the bird flies off with the map].

Homer : Tim is a hero.
Lisa : How's that dad?
Homer : Well ... he fell down the well ... and can't get out.
Lisa : How does that make him a hero?
Homer : ... Mmm ... it's more than what YOU ever did.

Don't worry son, just because you're trapped in a well doesn't mean you can't have a full and rich life.

[apologizing on TV for Bart's 'Tim O' Tool in the well' prank]
Homer : It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident.
Marge : Homer!!!

Marge : Bart, I've knit a sweater to keep you warm down there.
Bart : Mom, it's too big.
Homer : Don't worry son, you'll grow into it.
Marge : Homer!!!

[betting on pro football]
TV : Guys, if you're right 58% of the time, you still are wrong 42% of the time.
Homer : Why didn't you say that before?

My little girl says the cutest things! [Lisa talking about football]

Waiter : Hi, I am --- I'll be your waiter.
Homer : Hi, I am Simpson. I'll be your customer.

Marge : Gambling is illegal.
Homer : Only in 48 states.

What's the problem, Marge? Kids are happy and you smell like Meryl Streep. [gambling with Lisa on pro football].

Man : What do you have riding on this game?
Homer : My daughter.
Man : What a gambler!

Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for 8 more years.

Bart : I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Olive oil ... asparagus ... if your mother is not so fancy, we can shop at the gas station like normal people.

Customer is always right. That's why everyone likes it.

Bagboy : We bag people have feelings, you know.
Homer : No, you don't.

Africa! They are bound to have food there.

I want to kill a lion, fight with Mohammad Ali and drive in a convertible with two happy zebras. [The Simpsons in Africa].

Here is the situation ... We are hopelessly lost and are about to drown.

You must be the most boring woman on earth. [a scientist in Africa].

Steven Wright : I finally got around to the dictionary. It seems the zebra did it. [Audience laughs].
Homer : I don't get it.
Lisa : Dad, zebra did not do it. It's just the last word in the dictionary.
Homer : I still don't get it .
Lisa : It's a joke.
Homer : A joke! he he he ... I get jokes ... he he he.

If God wanted us to eat in the church, he would have made a gluttonous day.

Gime? What is a Gime? [Reading the 'GYM' board].

Oh Agi, two months ago, I didn't know the meaning of the word dumbbell.

Sorry, I eat food only in the bar form. [Fitness freak Homer].

Bart : Wait dad, you're not risking your life just to impress me, are you?
Homer : Well ... yes.
Bart : COOL!

My dad's a disgrace just like Bart's dad ... me.

See, your mom is the steady one. That's okay in small doses. Me ... I am the risk taker. That's why I have so many adventures.

Just remember, never be afraid to live your life on the edge ... Now let's get home before your mother kills us.

Oh! it's a gum with a cracker center.

Helper monkey, eh?

Oh no, I am not handicapped. I am just lazy.

Marge : The monkey is on my part of the sofa.
Homer : Marge, he is just marking his territory.

Look at those morons! I paid my taxes a year ago.

I have a TO-DO pile?!?

Marge : They want you to spy on your friends?
Homer : Not spy, squeal.

Homer : Does this make me look fat? [with a tape recorder strapped to his stomach to spy for the govt.]
Lisa : No, it makes you look like a tool of govt. oppression.
Homer : But not fat?

Homer : Any illegal activities here?
Response 1 : You mean like the time you made moonshine in your basement?
Response 2 : Or like the telemarketing scam you pulled.
Homer : Yeah like that, but involving any of you.
Moe : Lenny, like you beat up president Bush?
Homer : That was me ... grrrrrhhh ... I'll do it again.

[Homer, Burns and Smithers are fleeing from the govt. with the trillion dollar bill in a helicopter
Smithers : Wait, we're on the international waters now.
Homer : Ooh hoo! we can gamble now. [throws dice in the backseat].

You're going to love Cuba, Marge. They've got shredded pork everywhere .

Mr Burns, I think we can trust the PRESIDENT of CUBA!!!

Burns : If loving one's country is a crime, I am guilty of that. If stealing a trillion dollar bill from our govt. and handing it to the communist Cuba is a crime, then I am guilty of it. If bribing a jury is a crime, then help me, I'll soon be guilty of that too.
Homer : [gets up and salutes] God bless America!

Marge : Homer, didn't John seem a little ... festive to you?
Homer : Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.
Marge : He prefers the company of men!
Homer : Who doesn't?

I’m a lonely insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

Homer : I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over with.
aliens Kang and Kodos : Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

Marge, whatever happens in the future, tell me you won't vote for Lenny. [Midlife crisis for Homer].

Marge : You made ME happy.
Homer : They won't put my face on a stamp for that.

They won't let me into the big people library there. Apparently there was some unpleasant incident. [Homer researching in the children's library].

Oh! that is why I have not accomplished anything. I should be like Thomas Edison!

Homer : Ordinary people like you look at this table and see just a table. Inventors like me look at this table and see all kinds of things.
Marge : Homer, that's our dryer.
Homer : Awh!!! my papers!!!

You kids are no help at all. Go to your rooms and spank yourselves. [ideas for invention].

Scientist : You find something people need and invent something to satisfy that need.
Homer : like ...
Scientist : Or take something that exists and find a new use for it.
Homer : HAMBURGER EARMUFFS!!!

Bart : I though you loved Edison.
Homer : Ah! to hell with him.

Look Marge, I tied the tie all by myself.

Marge : The fear of getting caught is a turn-on.
Homer : There's the dirty girl I married. Come on, I have a disgusting idea.

I always say a boy can learn more at an airport than at any school.

Movementarians : Would you like to enjoy a free weekend at our resort?
Homer : Free weekend, eh? How much are you charging for it?
Movementarians : It is FREE, sir.
Homer : But how much is it going to cost?
Movementarians : It is FREE, sir.
Homer : Just what are you charging for this free weekend?

Lisa : We toil in the fields and the leader drives around in a Rolls Royce?
Homer : Eh! it will be nice if he buys American. What are you going to do? [the whole family in the Movementarian compound].

Marge : This is ridiculous. We are already married.
Homer : But we are not MASS-MARRIED!

This beans is more delicious than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.

Marge, you are the leader?!?! You don't look anything like the beans.

I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge. They chose me. I am just a vessel through which the genius flows.

[Homer middle name episode].
Homer : NO, Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form.
Marge : You've lied many times on our mortgage forms.
Homer : Marge , they all fall in the same line of lies. I am a grown man. I deserve a middle name.

Profits, profits, profits! what kind of hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave.

I don't have the discipline to be a hippie.
Marge : Does this mean you are going to shower again?
Homer : ... perhaps ... in time.

Marge : Can't you just pull that out?
Doctor : I am a doctor, not a gardner.
Homer : Can you atleast pluck some leaves so that I can watch TV? [A plant stuck in Homer's forehead in a fight between Homer, the hippie and the police].

If it has a toothpick in it, it is FREE!

Marge : Homey, you made breakfast.
Homer : Nothing is good enough for my sweety. [then feeds the eggs and bacon to the lobster in the fish tank]. ... Eat eat ... you are all skin and bones.

See ... together we weigh 300 lbs. According to my driver's licence, I weigh 130 lbs. That means you weigh ... ... 460 lbs. Oh! good! [Homer with his pet lobster].

Homer : Do we have to listen to you?
Guide : No, but if you have any interest in History, ...
Homer : I don't ... [walks away - in the Ghost town].

What is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.

They put us on the waiting list for 'Waiting to exhale'. But they told us not to hold our breath. [Homer and Bart getting some action videos].

They are singing, Theya are singing, Marge,

Wait ... wait ... here comes Marvin. He is always drunk and violent.

[Homer in front of the refrigerator with an upset stomach].
O! I'll never eat chili again. Ooh! Chili!!!

Apu : Who is your favorite indian folk singer?
Homer : Oh! don't make me choose.

Apu and Manjula are fighting].
Marge : Let's go.
Homer : No, I don't want to miss a word.
Marge : We don't understand anything.
Homer : I think I am picking up. Shala seems to mean 'jerk' ... Manjula seems to mean some kind of spaceship.

She is not going to leave you before the Valentine's Day. It's like going to ... before the plane crash. [Apu and Manjula].

It's easy to blame myself. It's even easier to blame Apu. He is making us all look bad. [about romancing the spouse].

Marge : I am going to snuggle your brains out.
Homer : I think I have a collapsed lung ... but Okay. [after the skywriting adventure/mishap].

Lisa : Why didn't you use YOUR room?
Homer : It didn't occur to me. My brain does not work in a crisis. [using Lisa's room for Omni cell phone company after the Bill of Rights destruction].

Doctor : The best medicine for stress is laughter. You should chuckle.
Lisa : I am not the chuckling type.
Homer : That's true. I am always making funny noises and she never chuckles.

Lisa, guess who won the pen-clicking contest? Bart said it was stupid and stopped and I won!

Karma ceuticals woman : Namaste!
Homer : And booga booga to you too.

Karma ceuticals woman : This is the sensory depravation tank. It blocks all the external stimuli that bombards our souls.
Homer : Can you pee in it?

I never thought I will say this about TV. But this is a stupid show!. Aw! police cops!!!

Homer : There is the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.
Bart : Isn't it the wrong way?
Homer : Yes, but faster.

That's the way Max Power is - decisive, confident and rude.

Marge : Vow, President Clinton!!! I feel like Cinderella.
Homer : Me too. Let's sing the Cinderella song.

Homer : It is spelled M-A-X-P-O-W-
Woman : Monograms are just initials, sir.
Homer : Max Power does not abbreviate. Each letter is as important as the one that precedes it ... may be more important.

Homer : This is the worst party ever.
Marge : No, remember that New Year party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock! You can't blame them for having social conscience.
Homer : Those no good do-gooders.

Oh crap! it's a girl's car. I can't drive this.

Why don't they build the sunroof large enough for a hunky gentleman? [Homer being chased by the rhinos].

Oh! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all. [Homer being chased by rhinos].

... and I said to the nurse, 'you can take that free tetanus shot and shove it'.

This is the biggest steak you've got? 72-ounce steak? I thought this was a steak house, not some girly, underpanty, tinyweeny place.

What has happened to me? It's still is food and I don't want to eat it. Oh! I've become everything I've ever hated! [at the steak-eating contest at the 'Slaughter House'].

You're calling me a green horn? Who is a green horn? What is a green horn? [Slaughter House fight].

Bart : Dad, they are trying to kill us.
Homer : Oh! why all my trips have to end like this? [trucker Homer].

Grrrrh ... looks like God made you out of my sexy rib! [Adam Homer to Eve Marge].

It's not just a store, Marge. It's a MEGA STORE! Mega means good and store means thing.

Good, Mr.Burns. If it doesn't go well ... here I have some jokes about how white people are different from black people . [to enhance Burns' image].

I am not easily impressed. VOW! a blue car!!!

Aw! cereal! You know I like my breakfast fried ... chicken fried.

Homer : I want a brownie.
Marge : After dinner .
Homer : I want dinner.

Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge. [After Marge accidently cuts off Homer's thumb].

You want people food? I can get you people food. [chasing the dog for his severed thumb].

Okay, if the doctor asks you why you cut it off, tell him that you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. [about his severed thumb].

No, I shouldnt ... with the massive blood loss and all ... although I like an occasional beer. [at Moe's with the severed thumb].

Oh my friend, we knew this day would come. Say good bye to your brother. [to his severed thumb].

I am sorry. I thought he was a party robot. [after pouring beer into Lisa's science project robot].

Man : Somebody stole my wheels.
Homer : Thanks a lot. Now I have to walk to Shelbyville.

Air port tax 5 dollars?!? .... grrrrhhh ... waive it. [shakes his fist].

Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws.

Oh I get it. When I was crushing and killing you, I was a bad guy. Now when I have to save your lives, I am Mr.Popular.
Lenny : That's pretty much it.
Homer : Oo whoo! I am Mr.Popular! [Homer, the Paul Bunyan].

You guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus can have. [Homer the Paul Bunyan].

Lisa : Dad, you just shot a poor defenseless buffalo.
Homer : Poor, DELICIOUS buffalo. [shoots another buffalo].
Lisa : Why did you shoot another one?
Homer : Desert. [Lisa as Connie Appleseed].

Lisa : Dad, look what I found!
Homer : Vow Buffalo testicles! [eats them].
Lisa : No, they are apples.
Homer : Ah! apples? ... awk ... [spits it out].

Homer : Oh, Connie was right. I've extinguished a whole species. What have I done ... what have I done? [after shooting all the buffalos].
Bart : Dad , look there are two left.
Homer : [shoots them both] ... Oh what have I done ... what have I done?

[Homer reviews a Mel Gibson movie 'Mr.Smith goes to Washington']
Your movie was more boring than the church. All you did was yak yak yak. You did not shoot anybody. It was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing well then. Now whatever year this is, people want action.

Mel Gibson : I am getting too old for this crap.
Homer : How old are you?
Mel Gibson : Well, I've been told I could play anywhere between 28 ...
Homer : Sorry I asked.

We should have put that dog with the shifty eyes.

In that BraveHeart movie, your army mooned the enemies until they could not take it anymore.

Ron Howard : Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?
Homer : Because you stopped being cute?

Something noble ... but easy.

Hai Maggi, here ... I am a teletubby. I am all man in case you heard otherwise.

See Maggi, the ocean is a lot like the bathtub ... except for the rubber duckies, you have the barakudas.

Wait, I can sink to the bottom and run to the shore. [drowned Homer].

Bart : Dad, that's a sports bra.
Homer : All I know is that finally I am getting the support I need.

The sugar cookies you are talking about ... are they real or symbolic? [Homer at Barney's AA meeting].

Anything that requires 12 steps is not worth doing.

We have newspapers above the urinals. Now we can read sports while we pee.

Lisa : You did it, Dad.
Homer : You can't prove it.
Lisa : No, you saved our lives, Dad. [Drunken Homer].

I wanted to fire Marge every day ... you know ... just to shake things up. [Behind the laughter - Homer's My Funny Family].

Lisa : Dad , I am tired. Aren't there child labor laws?
Homer : Who told you about them? Was it Marge? [Homer's My Funny Family].

I want to see them fire a guerilla out of a canon. [circus].

Ooh! cushy! [Burns' car].

Dear God, give the bald guy a break. Amen.

There's nothing wrong with crab grass. It's just got a bad name.

I am not perfect like that Flanders. [sarcasm].

Oh yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week. [at the miniature golf course].

Because sometimes to feel good about yourself is by making someone else feel bad. I am tired of making others feel good about themselves.

Homer : Now Bart, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Everyday you should spend 15 minutes staring at it and hating him. Then you'll feel good when you and Charlene annihilate him at the tournament.
Bart : Who is Charlene?
Homer : Stop asking questions and start hating.

Lisa : Oatmeal, the official meal of the Kentucky Derby.
Homer : Lisa, newsflash ... Bart is not a horse.

Homer : Bart, come on, come on. If you lose, you're out of the family.
Marge : HOMER!

It's a small price to pay to humiliate you. [to Ned Flanders on the miniature golf tournament between Bart and Todd].

I always knew you'll change the world ... ... for the better. [to Marge] .

Ned : This guy wants to hook me up with illegal cable.
Homer : What's the world coming to? ... Got to go.[runs after the cable truck] ... STOP!

Lisa : Dad, are you sure this is legal?
Homer : Read the pamphlet, Lisa. [illegal cable].

How can such a small installation bring so much happiness? [illegal cable].

Bart, you can't watch that channel. It's for mommies and daddies who love each other very much.

Lisa is so moral. Why can't she be more like Bart?

Sorry to interrupt your JUDGING me. I have two things to say. One, I'll disconnect the cable after this fight is over. Two, I am not fond of any of you.

We are moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. [Santa's little helper at Obedience school].

Marge : He should be honest, caring, well-off and better hair.
Homer : Hey! why should she have a better husband than you do? [a man for Selma].

A good man is REALLY hard to find.

[scanning Principal Skinner for Selma]
PROS : uses big words, well-groomed.
CONS : possible homer sexual.

If you get married, you'll go for a girl, right? [asking Skinner for Selma].

Marge : Don't worry, there's plenty of fish in the sea, right, Homer?
Homer : O yeah, plenty of fish in the sea ... [whispers] ... but too little bait.

Barney, I've to find a man for my wife's big, fatty, snotty sister Selma.

And thank you for the nuclear power which is yet to cause one fatal accident ... ... at least in this country.

No talking ... no pantomime either.

Homer : Wow [cry] ... You kept me. That means you love me more.
Abe : Interesting theory!

I know he could be anywhere. That's why I want you to narrow it down for me. [searching for his long-lost half brother Herbert].

Homer : These are my children, Bart, Lisa and Maggi.
Herb : All born in wedlock, right?
Homer : Yes, although Bart was a close call.

Herb : I want you to design a car for me. I'll pay you 200,000 dollars a year.
Homer : And I want to let you.

Ow! 435 pounds! ... ow! 55 ... ow! 260 pounds! I am a big fat baby!

Why do I have to start my diet on porkchops night?

With God as my witness, I'll always be hungry(?) again.

[threat to kill Bart]
Marge : This looks like YOUR handwriting.
Homer : Oh! I put that when he somehow put a tattoo on my back. [shows his 'wide load' tattoo on his butt].

Homer : I believe I had a hat.
[a hat is thrown at him].
Homer : SUCKERS!

This is not about spite, Lisa. This is about revenge and getting back at that traitor Moe. [after being thrown out of Moe's and starting a bar in his garage]

Lenny : How did you get the REM to perform in your garage?
Homer : I told them it was for a benefit. They think they are saving the rain forest.

Lisa : You think the turkey is going to come and get on the plate?
Homer : I would. [for hunting license].

Turkeys ... the only smart animals than man.

Homer : Hey who invited the hippy?
Lisa : I did. You owe them for the eco fraud.
Homer : Alright, but I am NOT saving the rain forest.

Moe : How do you know that Chinese are spying on us?
Homer : I naturally assumed.

Moe : Hey, I got to pay for that.
Homer : Moe, you got it wrong. People buy beer from YOU! [playing with the beer tap at Moe's].

It's not fair. Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bar tender, everything is snatched away. [in charge of Moe's] .

Cecil's a girl's name. [teasing Moe's employee].

Aw! hex town ... where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming over-fed lazy americans!

So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.

Marge : The gypsy said horrible things will happen to those you love, Homer. That means your family.
Homer : Are you coming on to me?
Marge : No, I am not. Good Night! Sheesh!

Bart : You could be in the freak show!
Homer : Don't talk to the bearded lady like that. [after Marge grows a beard because of the gypsy curse].

Homer : Everything turned out alright.
Marge : Alright? Bart is dead.
Homer : Me saying sorry will not bring him back.
Marge : Gypsy said it would.
Homer : She is not the boss of me.

Trusting every aspect of our lives with a giant computer is the smartest thing I ever did. [Pierce Brosnan as the ultra house-keeping machine].

Robot : Marge is a nice woman. You are a lucky guy.
Homer : Yeah, I knocked her up, but she stuck with me. Now it's till death do us part. When I die, she will be free of men and machine.

Marge : Homer, you're alive!
Homer : Yes. man 1 machine 0. How do you like THAT score?

Wait a minute, just because I am wearing a pink shirt, it doesn't mean that I'm a ... pink donut eater.

Homer : Marge, will you fill out this form for me?
Marge : This is an intimate psychological profile. You should do it.
Homer : May be I'll ask Lisa to do it.

Psychiatrist : Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, I've concluded that you're not insane.
Homer : That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Could you give that in writing?
[The psychiatrist hands him a certificate saying that Homer Simpson IS NOT INSANE.]

Leon alias Michael Jackson : Which of us is really crazy?
Homer : NOT me. I've got this. [shows his NOT INSANE certificate].

Stock Broker : You'll get 25 dollars if you sell now.
Homer : SELL! SELL! SELL!

[At Moe's] For your information, I just made a COOL 25 dollars playing the stock market. Buy high and sell low. That's my motto. I'm going to quit my job and become ... ... the stock market guy.

I wish the candy machine was not so picky about taking beat-up dollars . ... because many of us like candies. [suggestions for the plant].

Homer : Does your money make you happy when you're blue?
Burns : Well ... yes.
Homer : Okay, bad example.

Your mother was living with her two wicked sisters. [recalling old days].

Vow! what an ending! Who would've thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father! [review on his way out of the theater].

Homer : Will you marry me?
Marge : Oh yes!
Homer : Ooh hoo! she'll marry me. In your faces, everybody.

Well ... it takes a long time for me to learn anything ... I am a goofoff. [at a job interview].

Dear Marge, you deserve the finest things in life. I can give you all that. But they'll be repossessed and I'll be hunted down like a dog.

Look at me. I am a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in that secret sauce.

Marge : Homer, do you know why I married you?
Homer : Because I knocked you up?
Marge : No, because I love you.

Ooh hoo! I got the job. I got the job. Only in America can I get a job.

Marge : Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
Homer : Mmm ... somebody will cover for me.

Homer : [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers.
Florist : What kind of flowers?
Homer : Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
Florist : Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55 a dozen.
Homer : [thinks] One, please.

Clerk : Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
Homer : Hello, this is Mr ... Sam-son.
Clerk : Did your wife just call a second ago?
Homer : No, I said Samson, not Simpson.

Lisa : `Id', triple-word score!
Homer : No abbreviations.
Lisa : Not I.D., Dad `id'. It's a word!
Bart : As in "This game is stoop-id".

Bart : Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here.
Homer : [grabs Bart with his left hand and a banana in his right hand] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is .
Bart : Kwyjibo. Uh ... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge : And a short temper.
Homer : I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
Bart : Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!

Skinner : I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
Homer : Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
Marge : [whispers to Homer]
Homer : Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner] My wife thinks you want to pay for it.
Skinner : That's the idea.
Homer : Oh!

Marge : Your father wanted to be a policeman for some time. But they said he was too heavy.
Homer : No, the army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

[a surprise visit from the police]
Oh! I didn't steal the copper wire. I thought they were throwing it out. Here ... you can have it.

Homer : We have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't we have two good kids?
Marge : Homer, we have three kids.
Homer : Marge, dog doesn't count as a kid?
Marge : I mean Maggi.
Homer : Oh yeah.

Homer : Come on Flanders, I don't complain about your ... ... ... mustache.
Ned : What's wrong with my mustache?
Homer : It looks like you got something to hide. [whispers] ... People are talking ... lots of people.

Well Marge , self-improvement has always been a passion of mine.

Oh Marge! have we had one conversation in which you didn't bring up your hero, Mr.Flanders?

[Bart answering Ms.Krappbal's personal ad as "Mr. Woodrow Wilson]
Homer : Bart, go to school and tell Ms.Krappabal the truth.
Marge : Homer, that will only humiliate her.
Homer : I told him that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.

[a letter to Ms.Krappbal]
Marge : How to end this letter?
Homer : How about 'with love that echoes through the ages.'?

You don't understand Marge, the lottery is the only REAL hope in my otherwise unbearable life.

Okay money ... mmm honey.

[on the phone]
Bart, quick, I need a lucky number, how old are you? ... what's your birthday? ... what's your sister's birthday? ... you don't know your own sister's birthday? what kind of a brother are you?

Bart, the doggie heaven is full of dog bones. You can't turn around without sniffing a dog's butt.

Bart : Is there a doggie hell?
Homer : Of course there is. If there is a doggie heaven, there has to be a hell.
Bart : What dogs go THERE
Homer : Mmm ... Hitler's dog, that dog Nixon had, what's his name, checks?
Lisa : Checkers.
Homer : Mmmm ... that and one of the Lassies is also there, I think.

[to Santa's Little Helper]
I know you don't understand me. But you're a lousy dog and I hate you.

[in the parking lot]
Marge : It says 'compact size only'.
Homer : Marge, it's only a SUGGESTED car size. [squeezes his car in that spot].

[in a movie ... helicopter]
Oh! that submarine is SO fake.

Vow! my concert-going shirt still fits! ... and here's where I used to hide my beer. [there's an old beer can in the jacket pocket].

Some of the best times I've had were at the backseat of my car ... he he he. [reminices eating pizza in the backseat].

Homer : Now boy, we spent a lot of money on this [guitar]. So you better get real good real fast. ... orelse POW! [fist action].
Marge : Homer!
Homer : What? we are supposed to encourage him.

Okay, he can stay here. But I get to treat him like garbage. [Otto, the bus driver living in Homer's garage].

[A tape recording showing Marge giving permission for Otto's stay in the garage].
Homer : Marge, what were you thinking?
Marge : That is not my voice.
Homer : Oh sure. That's what everybody says when they hear their voices on tape.

This is not Happy Days and he is not Fonzi. [Otto, the bus driver].

Note on a jar : 'Homer's change. DON'T TOUCH'.

Finally you're going back to where you came from ...(?) of Flanders' house. [to a broken couch].

Wait a minute. I am not going to sign anything until I read it or someone gives me a zist of it.

Homer : I miss my couch.
Boxer : I know how you feel. I lost my Heavy Weight Championship title.
Homer : Pfft ... Heavy Weight Championship? ... there are a million of those. This was one of a kind.

Singing again? ... I wish I was dead. [Flanders singing].

Herbert : Sorry Homer, I am still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face.
Homer : While you're a guest in my house, could you just kick me in the ass?

I feel so empty, lonely, couchless. VOW? spinemelter 2000!!!

Herbert : How about giving a broken man a second chance?
Homer : Nah!

Herbert : I want to give you a 20-minute presentation which could change the world!
Homer : 20 MINUTES?!?!?!

Homer : Okay, Herbert. I'll loan you that 2000 dollars. But you have to forgive me and treat me like your brother.
Herbert : NO.
Homer : Okay, then give me that drinking bird. [a toy].

I gave him all that money and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear.

[Herbert gives gifts to the whole family].
Homer : What do I get? What do I get? If it's a punch in the face, I don't want it.

When you're 18, you're out the door.

See .. . 'D' changes to 'B' easily. You got greedy. [to Bart who changed his grades from 'D' to 'A']

Marge, since the kids left [to Kamp Krusty], I lost 50 pounds! Look, a new hair! I am this close to a comb-over ... grrrrhhhh ...

[watching TV news about a problem at Kamp Krusty]
Don't be the boy ... D'OH!

Vow! a baby AND a free burger! This can be the best day of my life!

Ned : Hello, my name is Ned Flanders. Friends call me Ned.
Homer : Hello Flanders!

Marge : This book says Bart may be jealous of the baby.
Homer : Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt! [Lisa's birth]

Bart : I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby
Marge : No, she is too small. [Lisa]
Homer : Here, you can hold my beer. [places the can on Bart's head].

Aw! white gold! [snow in Mr.Plow]

Forget it, Flanders. I don't want your phony baloney job. But I'll take your money. [Mr.Plow]

Woman : Could you please see that my asphalt is not scratched.
Homer : Kiss my asphalt. [murmurs]

When two best friends work together as partners, even God himself cannot stop them.
[Homer and Barney in snow plowing business]

Lisa's age 7 to 9! [beauty contest]

[at the beauty contest]
Lisa : Hai, I am Lisa Simpson. I want to be Miss Springfield so that I can make Springfield a better place.
Homer : Oh Yeah! clean up this stinkhole! [in the audience]

Homer : Bless you boys! [tears]
Marge : Homer, they are ice cream boys.
Homer : I know.

Lisa : Dad, do you remember why you let me join the beauty pagent?
Homer : Was I drunk?
Lisa : No, you wanted to make me feel good about myself.
Homer : Will you remember this when I wreck your life next time?

[Homer skipping church on a Sunday]
I am wizzing with the door open and I love it!

Oh! well ... can't win'em all.

Homer : Marge, I am never going to church again.
Marge : Are you giving up your faith?
Homer : No no no no no no no no no no no no ... well ... yes.

[about his dream about God]
I know that was special because I usually dream about naked ... [looks at Marge] ... ... ... Marge.

Boy! everyone is stupid except me! [about going to church on Sundays]

Oh! fire! what do I do? what do I do?

Insurance officer : Sorry, this insurance just covers the real stuff, not made-up stuff.
Homer : That's just GREAT!

Doctor : Homer, I'm afraid you'll need a coronary bypass.
Homer : What is it in English?
Doctor : You have to have an open-heart surgery.
Homer : Cut that medical mumbo jumbo, doc.
Doctor : We'll have to cut open your ...

Homer : We need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in our savings account?
Marge : Seventeen dollars.
Homer : Are there any 40,000 dollar checks we've deposited and have not cleared yet?

[to his pastor Rev.Lovejoy]
I know I've not been a good parishner. While you're blah blahing there, I am usually duelling and secretly undressing the female parishners. Now can I have 40,000 dollars?

[to a rabbi]
I know I've not been a good jew. But I rented 'fiddler on the roof'. Now can I have 40,000 dollars?

[to hindu sage/priest]
I know I've not been a good ... ... forget it.

[Homer in the hospital for a coronary bypass]
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.

[at the hospital]
Ned : Homer, if I could give you my heart, I would.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.

TV : Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Homer : May be.
TV : Are you sitting on your couch in front of the tv ...
Homer : What's it to you?
TV : Are you on to your 3rd beer of the evening?
Homer : Does whiskey count as beer?

Marge : Homer, there is a family of possums, here!
Homer : I call the big one 'spikey'.

I left my cars in there. Get a rod.

[after saving the monorail disaster]
Bart : Dad, you're a hero!
Homer : Yes son, I am the greatest monorail thingy guy that ever was!

[about 'A streetcar named desire' play starring Marge as Blanche and Ned Flanders as Stanley]
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there frontal nudity?

Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman ha ha ha. [about Marge's aunt]

[a 10-foot sandwich]
Marge : You've been eating it for a week. The mayonaisse in it is starting to turn.
Homer : Two more feet and it will fit in the fridge.

Come to Homerceles!

Selma : Homer, how do you do it?
Homer : I ... I hold her like this ...
Selma : No, I mean raising kids.

Marge : Don't forget, you have to pick up Bart.
Homer : I'm on my way ... he he he. [he is solving the puzzle on 'wheel of fortune' on TV] ... What did you say, Marge?

[Homer taking a bath trying to remember what he forgot]
Homer : What the hell was I supposed to do?
Homer's brain : Pick up Bart, pick up Bart, pick up Bart.
Homer : Who the hell is Picabar?

[Homer remembers to pick up Bart and gets out of the bathtub and runs naked into the street]
Ned Flanders : Hey Homer, I can see your doodles.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.

[the big brother episode]
Homer : Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart : Father-son picnic.
Homer : Okay, have a good time. ... [thinks] ... Wait a minute.

[Homer gets his own "son" to avenge Bart]
Homer : And I press this button and the door opens like magic.
[the garage door gets stuck]
Peppi : Why is it stuck?
Homer : [kicking the door] Because it's a stupid piece of junk.

Peppi : Peppi.

Bart : Homer, where is my skate?
Homer : I gave it to Peppi.
Bart : Who the hell is Peppi?
Homer : He is my little brother. You're not the only one who can use a non-profit organization.

Big Brother to Bart : Bart, you should not talk to strangers.
Homer : For your information, I am his father.
Big Bro : That drunken gambler?
Homer : [smiling] ... yeah and who might YOU be?

He he he ... a grisly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a ...

[at the Monopoly game]
Bart : You seem to be a little light there, Homer.
Homer : Come on, Bart, you know I'm good for it.
Bart : I would like to trust you Dad, but you've been to jail 3 times.

Homer : This is a bar. This is where I come to drink alcohol which is equivalent to your ...
Gabriel : Homer, I am NOT an angel.
Homer : Pfft ... not with THAT temper.

Cooperate? This is one family that does not swing that way.

Liquor drunkens me.

Sitting on the bed, eh?

Marge, we never ever made whoopie, not even mouth whoopie. [about his marriage to a girl in Las Vegas, who suddenly shows up at his house].

You can't kick me out, Marge. It will cause a miscount in the census. A miscount in the census, Marge.

Of all the things that I've done to come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst. [the Las Vegas girl Homer married showing up at his house].

Marge : Come on inside. We can talk.
Homer : About what? sports? bigamy?

There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.

Your father traded our tools for M&Ms again
- Marge

Screw this. I am converting. O! You Almighty Re!
[Millhouse in the Adam-Eve episode - exodus].

I don't need anyone to tell me what to think ... anyone LIVING.
Ned Flanders

You're not as stupid as you look, or sound as our best testing indicates.
Burns

Marge : Mmm ... sugar-free donut!
Apu : No , it's sugar, wheat-free donut.

You should listen to your heart and not to the voices in your head.
Marge to Bart

We can't afford to shop in any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV.
Marge

So many previews! So many previews! So many previews!

[at the gay pride parade].
Hey, look at those abs. They all have six packs. All I have is a keg. [looks at his tummy].

My mouth ... my beautiful mouth.

[Homer's jaws wired shut for medical reasons].
[thinks] Marge thinks Ned Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.

[thinks] Oh! Bart has feelings! he he he ... he's a cutie!

[at the bar] You'd be surprised how much you can learn if you listen once in a while.

For you ... I'll be as dull as Dilbert(?)

Marge : Now he's taking everything to heart.
Homer : As much as humanly possible.

Homer : I'm going to bed.
Marge : It's only 7:30!
Homer : Marge, I can stand here and argue with you all day. Then I'll have to get another glass of milk.

[million dollar episode]
Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge!

He he he ... unguarded breakfast, the sweetest of them all.

Hey Marge, he's the guy who couldn't get any of you. [Arty, the inventor].

Spill it, moneybag.

[Arty asks for a weekend with Marge for a million dollars].
A MILLION DOLLARS!!! ... wait a minute ... how much sex will be involved ?

Marge : I like the other noises you make in bed. [to a snoring Homer].
Homer : One squeaking, creaking symphony coming up.

Okay Arty, you can have her for the weekend. But NO funny stuff. Funny stuff includes holding hands, googoo eyes, ...

[Homer at Moe's after sending Marge with Arty for the weekend]
I didn't sell her. I just granted her to an old boy friend. You think she'll fall for that guy even after I bought her that hockey tape?

[at the fake prom at Arty's]
Guard : Have you been drinking?
Homer : Only for 25 years.

[at Moe's again]
Guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kiss a far superior man.

[leaves a video tape for Marge]
Marge, if you are watching this, that means I've got this camera working.

[at the oil field, working there with Lenny]
This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

[Arty admits defeat and leaves]
Arty, you saved my life ... now I believe there's a little business of a million dollars.
Marge : You can't take his money.
Homer : I can't take HIS money. I can't bring my OWN money. I've to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

Lisa : Springfield Prep School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
Homer : Knowing them will only want you to go here.

[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : You're stealing!!!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!

Aucitoneer : This 100 dollars goes to Ned Flanders .
Homer : AWH!
Ned : This goes straight to the orphanage.
Homer : AWH!

[Lisa doesn't want to get away from the private school].
Homer : Don't worry Honey. You cannot go here now. But when it's time for you to go to college, my daughter will go to the finest college ... ... in South Carolina!

[Advising Bart about girls]
Homer : Don't give them any nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar ... and always get receipt ... makes you look like a business guy.

Aw! I sat on something sharp ... He he he I have a foil on my ass.

[to go to Canada]
Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Guard : But we are closing in 5 minutes.
Homer : Will an American dollar change your mind?
Guard : Ooh! American currency! What time would you like your breakfast served, sir?

[Advising Bart on girls, again]
Homer : Look boy, nobody likes a quitter. So, go back there and win her back.
Bart : But she's not coming back.
Homer : Oh! I quit. There is no convincing you. I give up. I want to go to sleep. [falls down and sleeps].

Marge : Your father is dead.
Homer : [crying] Awh! ... and he never lived to be a vegetable.

Sure I said I loved him [his father]. But I never said I was in love with him.

[Abe wants to drive again against Homer's wishes]
Abe : What about your DUI?
Homer : That was DWI.

... and another thing ... NOooo Death Racing!

Marge : First he wrecks your car. Then he steals my car. Your father is out of control.
Homer : Oh Sure, when he does something bad, he is MY father!

Sherman : You must be the man who didn't know whether it was a blister or a boil.
Homer : It was a gummy bear.

Oh yeah! I won the belching contest at work. [belches to Sherman who shows his film award]

Okay I am not smart like that Sherman guy. But does he know all the words to the Oscar Meyer song?

And that's what I call a moon shot!

[There is an unrecognized call to Brazil on the phone bill]
Which phone company? There are hundreds of them! They all keep changing their names ... awhh [sobs].

Phone co. rep : I'll cut off your service.
Homer : I'll cut off your pony tail.
[then whispers to Marge : That's called negotiating.]

I told you I have too much time on my hands!

[Lisa admits to making that Brazil call]
Marge : But you're the good one.
Homer : The one we both like.

Don't you know that the little boys from Brazil are Hitlers? I saw that in a movie, whose name I can't remember.

[Marge is impressed with the Brazilian kid in the photos]
Marge : Can we have another kid?
Homer : No way. I haven't lost the weight I put on on the last one.

The Simpsons are going to Antarctica ... next year! This year we're going to Brazil!

Wait wait ... In August it is cold! In February, it is hot?!?

[a giant statue of Jesus in Brazil]
VOW! it's like he is on the dashboard of the entire country!

Ooh! they look like skittles! [color rats in Brazil]

Make me a drink with all your Brazilian fruits mixed together. [drinks it] ... Sweet! Sweet!! ... awh ... sweet ... sweet ... [licks mud]

[Homer and Bart get into an "unlicensed taxi" in Brazil]
Cabby : Americans! I'm afraid this is a kidnapping.
Homer : Ooh! then I don't have to pay the fare!

I have the bladder the size of a Brazil nut. [to his kidnappers]

I don't know. They've been seeing a lot of me for free. [to call his family for ransom]

[calls Flanders after calling Moe and Burns]
Homer : Flanders, I need 100,000 dollars.
Ned : I really don't have that kind of money. But if you need it so badly, you'll be in my prayers.
Homer : Go suck a Bible.

Eh, same old garbage. [Marge's dinner].

Isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?

[Homer is on medical marijuana]
Ned : Homer, it's me, Ned.
Homer : Yeah right, the God dude.

... or you just rented 'Matrix', medical marijuana can make all things fabulous.

I could blow smoke in the president's stupid monkey face and all he could do is groove on it!

No cold turkey is as delicious as it sounds. [quitting medical marijuana].

This dope can ANYTHING seem funny ... even that show that comes after 'Friends'.

He's [Bill Clinton] a Jimmy Carter with a fox attitude.

Mr.Burns has left the building.

Then the day came that changes everything for a couple ... the day we got our elephant ...

[At the Friars Club roasting Homer as the 'Man of the Hour']
Homer : Do the proceeds go to any charity?
Krusty : Hell No.
Homer : WOO HOO!

Eh! that was at MY expense. What kind of a roast is this?

Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ...

Le Grille? what the hell is that?
The more you rock, the angrier I get.

I'm a rageaholic. I cannot live without a rageahol.

Lisa : The first step to cure is admitting that that you have a problem.
Homer : Is it also the last step?
Lisa : No, quitting is the last step.
Homer : Awh ... [sobs].

Yeah he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. [David Schwimmer]

Well, I'm not Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty good impression of Columbo. [to his superior at the naval reserve].

What's an email?

Well, a paperweight will be nice. But what I really need is a computer.

Computer, kill Flanders.

Oh! dancing Jesus!

Finally I did it. I changed the world. Now I know how God feels.

Marge : I'm glad you won a Pulitzer prize.
Homer : FINALLY!!!

I don't know anything. At least I don't think so.

I'm not a number. I'm a man. No ... wait ... I'm number 5! In your face, number 6!

Who are you and why am I here? I want the answers NOW or I'll want them eventually.

That lousy pothole!

Space Coyote : You've to learn a lesson.
Homer : If you're talking about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.

In your face, space coyote!

[the tough judge episode]
I LOVE our court dates.

Judge : Don't spit on my cupcake and call it frosting, boy.
Homer : [excited] ... What did she say about cupcakes?

Prison guard : Sir, you're not size 4.
Homer : I used to be ... hu hu ...[cries]

Don't you have any court-appointed baby sitter or "au pair"

[to a tethered Bart, at the softball game]
Block out everything but the sound of my criticism.

Bart : I am cold and scared.
Homer : That's my sucker!

Bart : Dad, I've to go to the bathroom.
Homer : I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. Why do we even have a bottle? Somebody tell me.

Judge : First admit that you're bad parents.
Homer : I admit.
[Marge protests the charge to the judge]
Homer : Your honor, could I be tried separately?

[Homer and Bart are still tethered together by the court order]
Marge : I can't do that in front of our kid.
Homer : Marge, kids are very visual these days.

Hey, may be I should be a milkman!

She lives in a HOUSE BOAT?!? She's so cool!

[Homer and Marge sneak into the judge's boat house and hang a sign 'BIG MEANIE' and get caught]
[peeking in the window] ... Look at her in there ... watching her body!

[judge's boat house is destroyed]
That quilt was made by my grand mother!
Homer : Mmm ... then it cost you nothing.

Time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.

[Homer and Marge are punished by the judge]
We can be free of these if you just admit you're a bad mother. You don't even have to say 'bad', you can be negligent or ... or 'drugged up'.

Marge : Homer, I think you should help Lisa with her science project.
Homer : Yeah, syrup is better than jelly. [eating his breakfast].

I've learn to think a lot faster.

Did I think that loudly?

The man never drank a duff in his life. [responding to a Nixon ad for duff in 1960].

Driving School class : Here's a fellow. They're peeling him off the sidewalk.
Homer : He he he. It's funny because I don't know that guy. [driver ed class after a DWI arrest].

My name is Homer. I am here because the court made me come. [AA meeting].

Marge : Do you ever drink alone?
Homer : Does God count as a person?
Marge : No.
Homer : Then yes.

Well beer, we had some great times. [sings 'When I was seventeen'].

Homer's brain : Don't think about beer.
[sees a 'Alcohol-fuelled car' sign and imagines pumping gas]
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

One down and 29 to go. [giving up alcohol for a month].

TV, have you turned on me too? [beer commercials].

But Marge, the guys at Moe's will be expecting me. Moe, Barney and that guy that calls me Bill.

[Homer and Bart are watching an Swazzeneger movie on TV].
Bart : That's one evil man.
Homer : That's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.

Marge : Mmm Homey, you're the union leader. I'm so proud of you.
Lisa : Finally you get to share the fair share of the working force.
Homer : And make life-long contacts with organized crime. ... mmm organized crime.

Homer : I don't know why I was elected as the union leader in the first place.
Marge : That's because they all like you.
Homer : Yeah, they are always patting my head for good luck and tickling my tummy to hear my girlish laughter.
Marge : That doesn't sound like they like you.
Homer : Yeah. The first thing I'll do tomorrow is to punch Lenny at the back of his head. [the next day he does when Lenny is drinking coffee].

Homer : Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa : I learned that 8 ounces make a pint.
Bart : I got expelled.
Homer : That's my boy ... [drinking beer] ... mmm ... beer ... [thinks] ... WHAT???

Marge, forget him. He is 10 years old. Let's focus all our energy on Lisa and the other one. Lisa, what's your problem?

TV : GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!
Bart : Vow!!! Dad, what's a gabbo?
Homer : Some guy's name? A guy named Gabbo???

Teacher : The exams will consist of 50 questions - true or false ...
Homer : True.
Teacher : Homer, I am just describing the exam.
Homer : True.

Oh! what a noble visionary thought of the April Fools Day!

Homer : ... and then came the story of the April fool.
Lisa : Dad, I was telling the story.
Homer : Oh, yeah.

No no no no ... beer bring pain. [Homer in the hospital because of Bart's April fool prank].

[PBS pledge episode]
Bart :You're watching PBS?
Homer : Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I stumbled across the most delicious British sitcom.

PBS TV : Folks, we've just reached our goal of ten thousand, seven hundred dollars, and it's all thanks to one generous caller ... who didn't leave his name.
Homer : [laughs]
PBS TV : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace. [a picture of Homer appears on the screen. He screams]
Homer : Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?

Lisa : Mom, Dad's on PBS!
Marge : Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they?
Homer : [on TV] Um, it's an honor to give ten thousand dollars. Especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
Marge : From now on, one of us always stays home.

[Homer in a South Pacific island as missionary, hiding from PBS]
Marge : Homer, are you all right?
Homer : I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough .
Marge : You've only been gone two days.
Homer : Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.

Lisa, Jr. : Amy said that there are lots of religions. Which is the right one?
Homer : Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.
Ak : If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not? Ak just saying.
Homer : Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.

Ak : Why are you building chapel?
Homer : Because you're all terrible sinners.
Q'Toktok : Since when?
Homer : Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to hell.

[family in an electric car]
Marge : Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
Homer : Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too.

Uh, I'm sorry, but the car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now?

Homer : Mel Gibson is just a guy Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
Marge : Were you or Lenny ever named Sexiest Man Alive?
Homer : Hmmm, I'm not certain about Lenny ...

[Mel Gibson's version of the stirring speech Jimmy Stewart's character gave near the end of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer : Boring!
Marge : It's not boring. He's passionate about government.
Homer : At least the Jimmy Stewart version had the giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan.

Homer : Well, that was a stinker.
Marge : I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solved their problems with words instead of bullets and chasing.
Homer : Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend [Mel Gibson] was in it. I'll bet that you would have hated it if me and Lenny was Mr.Smith.

That's it! I'm telling Mr. Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of his movie. Hey, Gibson!

Milo : Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?
Homer : It was symbolism. He was mad.
Christian : But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like "Howard's End" or "Sophie's Choice."
Homer : Ugh. Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. [sotto voce] P. S. : Mission accomplished. [high-fives Gibson]

I am not popular enough to be different.

... with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog ...

My kids are sick of all my stories. Yours [Flanders] can't seem to get enough of me. [babysitting the Flanders kids]

Bart : I thought you were doing this [babysitting] only until your knee got better.
Homer : Then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa : What about us?
Homer : Don't worry, honey, you'll have kids of your own someday.

This valentine crap has gone too far. [angry about Apu's courting of his wife]

Baby, we got them now. They can't escape from the airport. [following Apu on valentine's day]

Homer : [to Burns] So, you want me to go to college.
Bart : Ha, barber or clown?
Homer : BART!!!

Oh, I hate that lousy dean.

But nerds are my mortal enemies!

But Marge, we college kids are upto no good.

Excuse me, little piggie ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight [keeps pulling the piggie's tail until the piggie bites him].

Is poopoo one word or two?

I'll draw a frownie face on my butt and pull down my pants. [for entertaining Burns on his birthday] .

Don't worry, he'll be ready for your aunt Selma's birthday. [ his bare butt for display].

Homer : But I am confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge : It's an ending. That's enough.

Aw! finally some quiet time to read some of my old favorites ... Honey-roasted peanuts ... ingredients ... peanut, artificial honey-roasting agents, salt ...

Aw! the last peanut! ... overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers!

[at the rafting trip - partners]
Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders

[stranded on the raft at sea]
See boy, your old man was right!, not Flanders. We are doomed. In your face, Flanders.

Ooh! there's something you don't see everyday in a toilet! [a pair of glasses - picks them from the bowl and wears them]

Lisa : Dad, you should not be wearing glasses not prescribed for you.
Homer : [looking at Bart] Lisa, just because you're 10-feet tall, it doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

[Legal gambling in Springfield]
Shshsh ... I am teaching the kid [Maggi] how to gamble.

[Marge gets adddicted to gambling ]
Lisa : There's nothing there for breakfast.
Homer : Lisa, you should learn to improvise ... cloves ... cold milk ... pie crust ...

Homer : Marge, you're spending too much time in the casino. I think you might have a problem.
Marge : I won 60 dollars last night .
Homer : Woohoo! 60 dollars! Problem solved.

Lisa : Mom hasn't made my geography costume yet.
Homer : Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just she has a career now. She's a slot jockey.

[the whole house is in disarray and Homer is running around with a revolver]
Marge : WHAT happened here?
Homer : A little incident involving the boogie man. This would not have happened if you had been here to prevent me from acting stupid.

Homer : Marge, I want you to admit that you have a gambling problem.
Marge : Yes, I have a problem. May be I should get some professional help.
Homer : It's too expensive. You just quit.

WOOHOO! for the first time in our marriage, I can look down my nose on you, because you have a GAMBLING problem!!! You remember the time you caught me stealing watches at Sears? That's nothing because you have a GAMBLING problem!

[Homer reading paper] Today's horoscope : 'Today will be like any other day.' ... Awh! it just gets worse and worse!.

What are you so happy about? You kids have to go to school. I have to go to work. The only one who got it easy here is your mom. [Marge is scrubbing the floor]

Yes son, when you are a musician, a job is called a gig.

[to form a neighborhood watch group to catch a cat burgler]
Homer : We don't need a thinker. We need a doer. Who will do anything without considering the consequences.
Crowd : Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!

[warning the kids about the cat burgler]
Marge : ... and don't take candy from strangers.
Homer : Marge! they are only human!

[Homer is in charge of the vigilante group]
You know, push people around, make ourselves look big.

Homer : Hey, where did you get that jazz from?
Man : Sears.
Homer : GET HIM!

[Homer singing] I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar You are the cat burglar.

Dad, I love you, but you're a weird-headed old crank and nobody likes you.

The union code says everyone should win 'The worker of the week' award at least once, irrespective of gross incompetence, obesity or rank holding.

Homer : Hello, is this NASA?
Reply : Yes.
Homer : Good. Listen, I am sick of all your stupid space launches. I know I'm just a blue-collar slob ...
Reply : How did you get this number?
Homer : Shut up and another thing, how com I cannot get a glass of tang around here?

[NASA looking for that blue-collar slob who made the phone call and Homer initially points Barney and then recants]
Oh no, I made that phone call. I made it. I make prank calls all the time. Ask the FBI. They have a file on me. I have a file.

NASA officer : Well Homer, it looks like you are the winner by default.
Homer : Default? The two sweetest words in the English language. Dee Fault, dee fault, dee fault, dee fault ...

[Homer all "ready" to go to space]
Let's invade the White House and kill the president ... Gumbo.

The astronauts aboard the spaceship are communicating with singer James Taylor at the NASA center]
Homer [in the spaceship] : VOW! former president James Taylor!

Marge : Everybody pick a floor and start cleaning.
Homer : I call basement!
Bart & Lisa : Okay.
Homer (looks at the basement) : D'oh!

He [Bart] is taking the elephant instead of the money!

[Bart wins an elephant in a radio contest and Santa's little helper and Snowball feel left out and so perform some tricks]
Homer : Hey! what's with them?
Lisa : I think they are trying to get some attention.
Homer : Well, GOOD LUCK with that.

I have two questions : How much and give it to me. [selling the elephant].

Lousy job. Nothing interesting ever happens here.

[Homer, the human chimney sweeper]
This may be a dirty job, but the guys at the top are working even harder. [Burns is shirtless, watching TV, eating chips]

[Burns chooses Bart to be his heir]
Marge : Are you thinking what I am thinking
Homer : Yeah, let's push him down the steps.

[Bart is to go to Burns' mansion and live with him]
Homer : Aw! Bart gets to do that. How come I cannot be lurking near the bushes outside chef Boyardee's house?

[Bart is throwing peas at Lisa]
Marge : Homer, say something.
Homer : Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

[Bart is being deprogrammed after Burns programs him to stay with him as his heir]
Deprogramming Officer : But I got Paul McCartney out of that group(?)
Homer : You idiot! he was the most talented one.

[another deprogrammed man arrives at Homer's house and Homer kisses him over and over]
Marge : Homer, that's not Bart.
Homer : Can we keep him anyway?

Hey the trail of donuts has ended.

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. [kissing the deprogrammed guy]

Sure they [Shelbyville] could have got back at me for spiking their water supply, but they have no guts.

An athlete : Ned Flanders here showed me that there is more to playing football and sleeping with ligerie models.
Homer [murmuring] : Professional athletes! always wanting more.

Now I have four children. You, I'll call 'Stitchface'. [an autographed football given to Homer]

They don't call me 'Springfield Big Fat' because I am morbidly obese.

[to Flanders] I got to know your family. I want you to get to know my family. [and brings Ned Flanders to Moe's]

Ned : Haideho, neighbors!
Homer : Get lost, Flanders.
Ned : Odiely Doodly.

[The extra-absorbant paper towel guy]
Signed photo? Marge hasn't asked for my signed photo in months! I'll show her.

[Homer tricks Marge into believing that the paper towel guy is coming to dinner and arranges for Barney to show up]
Lisa : That was a cruel joke you played. You hurt mom's feelings.
Homer : What about me? It was hard on me too. I had to wear a suit.

[Homer is hypnotised at a show]
I am in your power. Boss me around.

It was one of those lazy summer days you would think would last forever. [Homer recalling some traumatic event at age 12]

It's [the traumatic event at age 12] is responsible for all the things that are wrong in my life ... my occassional over-eating, my fear of corpses ...

[The family goes to the quarry to find the corpse Homer spotted when he was 12]
Marge : It's the body?
Homer : Someone has eaten the flesh.

[Burns shows a homevideo of Smithers Sr.'s unfortunate death]
Ooh! a movie! I call the couch.

Now the movie has turned into a play! [Smithers Jr. walks in at the end of the movie]

[Homer has Smithers Sr.'s skull in a box]
Marge : Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Smithers Jr.?
Homer : What's the point? He'll bury it anyway.

Homer : I am sick of this Tarzan movie.
Lisa : Dad, this is a documentary on the homeless.
Homer : Really.

[A vicious dog is stalking Bart]
Bart, sometimes dogs hate people for no reason.

It's not fair. This Buck fellow had all the breaks in life. Horse riding lessons, finest makeup ...

[Homer and Bart are watching Buck ...'s cowboy tricks]
Bart : That's a fancy shoot!
Homer : I've seen fancier.
Bart : He's drunk!
Homer : I've seen drunker.

Homer : Bart lost his hero tonight. I should be the happiest guy in the world. But why don't I feel so?
Marge : You care about Bart's feelings.
Homer : Stop saying that.

I'm not giving up on Buck. There must be some hair-brain half-ass way. [to save Buck from alcoholism]

Bart : Buck, you're my hero again.
Homer : Son, aren't you forgetting someone?
Bart : Then there is Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Kuchi(?), America's firefighters and then YOU, Dad.
Homer : And don't you forget it.

I can't let the boy see me skipping work. [disguises with a black comb as his mustache and passes Bart by]

Awh! jury duty! I'll see that Freddy Quimby hang for this.

I think Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free ... ... hotel! [Homer in the jury of Mayor Quimby trial]

You say I don't make money. I found a dollar when I was waiting for the bus.

Boy, we have hit the jackpot! White gold, Texas tea! [a truck load of sugar]

... and I am going to sell it directly to the consumer at a low low price of one dollar per pound. [stolen sugar]

They are somehow defending themselves. [Bees at the sugar pile]

This bar is like a tavern to me.

Shut up, liver!

[Marge's fear of flying episode]
Come on, Marge, it's an opportunity for you to clean up after us in a WHOLE NEW STATE!

Don't worry Marge, we don't need to go on a trip. We can wait for the killer bees to come to us.

[Marge becomes unhinged after a "plane" experience]
You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine. So behave.

[Mage sees a psychiatrist]
Homer : Ever since you've been seeing the psychiatrist, everything is about you. It's you you you. What about ME, Marge?
Marge : This is my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet.
Homer : See ... It's MY first session. I haven't opened MY mouth yet.

[Homer's suggestions for fortune cookie readings]
'You'll be aroused by a shampoo commercial.'
'The price of stamp will climb ever higher.'
'You'll find true love on Flag Day.'

Can I have my icecream? I finished my pizza.

Let go off her. Or I'll scream. [Burns' fiance from her old boy friend]

Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. [for shooting Mr.Burns]

Yeah, finally the good Lord has blessed me with a REAL family. [25 puppies of Santa's Little Helper]

"Puppets for free or Best Offer" - sign for the sale of Santa's Little Helper's puppies]

It must be the first of the month. It's Bill Board Day!!!

He he he ... clowns_are_funny.

Lisa : Vow! good aim, dad!
Homer : Thanks, it was my major. [Homer passing Clowns College degree].

[Homer impersonating Krusty, the clown]
He [Chief Wiggum] didn't give me the ticket. This is an intriguing development!

Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radio-active men?

At times like these, I wish I were a religious man. [comet toward Springfield]

Flanders, you're the only useless person here. If anybody should leave, it is you. [from Flanders' bomb shelter due to comet scare]

[Lisa is restless due to teachers' strike]
I know. This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

I've just had enough of your Vasser bashing, young lady .

Marge, the cop : You have the right to remain silent.
Homer : I choose to waive that right. Awh ... Awh ... [yells]

Homer : Marge, do you think I am intelligent?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say Yes? Am I stupid?
Marge : ... ... ... ... No ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say No? Were you humoring me?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! That is bad ...

Nonononono, guys ... I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruity".

[Home and Marge are asleep in bed when a loud banging awakens them, shaking the whole house.]
Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!

Stuck-up Riverdale punks ... think they're too good for me!

[looks at ballot information]
Hmm ... I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]

Marge : Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
Homer : Pffffft. Maps.

Homer : Marge, where's the Duff!?!
Marge : Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer : D'oh!
Marge : Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer : Don't toy with me, woman!

Ned : May the best man win.
Homer : 'May the best man win.' The mating call of the loser!

Marge : We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer : Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.

Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires?

Clerk : Five dollars, please. [car wash for Flanders]
Homer : Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price?
Clerk : Senior citizens' discount.
Homer : Pfft. Senior citizen? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me! That's right. It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How you ask? With a phony senior discount card!

Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life!

Ned : This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
Homer : Well, well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned : Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned : How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer : Wellisy, wellisy, wellisy ...
Ned : Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer : Let's do it.
Ned : So what about all this meat?
Homer : Ah, the missus will clean that up.

Homer : Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? Barney is April twentieth, same as Hitler's, so Marge must be fifty ... oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday?
Ned : Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
Homer : Seven, eh? [Homer places his chips on seven; the ball lands in the seven slot] Way to go, Flanders! The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?

Ned : How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, 'think'?
Homer : You mean Lisa?
Ned : Oh, no, I mean common sense.
Homer : Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol! You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
Ned : You threw it out the ...
Homer : Never mind, just pay attention. Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!

Ned : Look at this place. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing!
Homer : Welcome to my world.

Homer : Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam. Or possibly scamola! We would remember if we got married.
Amber : Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo!
Ginger : Take a look at this. [she hands Homer a video]
Homer : Aw, precious memories.

[Homer and Ned get married in Las Vegas to strangers]
Homer : But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
Ned : Ginger's my wife!
Homer : Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, sweetie.
Ned : Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets?
Homer : Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. [makes whip sound]

Homer : I don't know, Flanders, having two wives could have its advantages.
[Homer's imagination conjures up himself lying in a hammock while Marge and the cocktail waitress chop wood and dig a hole, respectively]
Homer : Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig ...
Marge : You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you ...
Homer : I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping! -- Um, yeah ... they could bring you a beer and a lemonade.

Oh, those awful women want their omelets.

Homer : All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts ...
Ned : What's the occasion?
Homer : Because we love them, jackass! Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart when suddenly, one hundred spaceships ...
Ned : Homer!
Homer : You're right, you're right, fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.
Ned : Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
Homer : Would you rather tell Maude the truth?
Ned : [sighs] What did the aliens look like?
Homer : Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well hello, little birdie!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep—in a blender.

Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!

You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin ' for some spankerin'.

Note to self. Stop doing anything.

Florida. That's America's wang.

If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.

Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.

Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.

If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.

Sooo, how's life in the gutter? [to a broke Burns].

'Hey! You know what I really like about you English? Octopussy! I musta seen that film, uh, twice.

It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes.
Sideshow Bob

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Sideshow Bob

Burns : Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers : There’s no maybe about it, sir.
Burns : Excellent.

I'm an old man. I hate everything except 'Matlock'. Ooh! that's on now!"
Abe Simpson

"You've already done enough, Nader"
Burns to Ralph Nader at the Springfield Republican Headquarters.

[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : But, Principal Skinner, you're just stealing!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!

Good drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat!

Computer, kill Flanders.

What's an email?

Some people might think your work is silly or meaningless, but, I, for one, want to thank you for all of your hard work.

Sorry I was not listening. I was lost in your eyes. [to Jesse Grass, the environmental activist].

Homer : Marge, she's going to narc on our stash.
Marge : We don't HAVE a stash.
Homer : No, of course not.

Homer : Now Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're going to be lonely.
Marge : Oh Homer, I could never remarry.
Homer : Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch as a constant reminder of our marital oath. [Homer Triple Bypass]

Don't make me come up there! [to Rev.Lovejoy at his very long sermon on Sunday].

76.2?! ? I'm already 38.1! I've wasted half my life!

You mean grease is money?!? Woo hoo! my arteries are filled with yellow gold!

My God! you're greasy! [to a teenager working at Krusty Burger]

God, I know you're busy ... you know watching women changing clothes and all ... [praying for his 'grease' business]

Hurry up, I cannot be jabbing you. [poking the bagboy with a bread stick at the grocery store]

Vow! it just rolled over to 10,000! [in Africa, photographing the odometer instead of the sceneries].

Bart : Hey, this monkey can lead us to some bananas.
Homer : Or more mouth-watering monkeys. [in Africa, looking for food]

Oh man! it feels good to get out of that car! ... Woo Hoo! Go Karts!!!

Lisa : Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet?
Homer : No it messes up my hair.

Marge : And punish Lisa for lying to us.
Homer : Okay, you young lady, now run to Kwik-E-mart and get me some chips and beer ... and get something for yourself, sweetheart.

[Bart in the tree house tending to the eggs of a bird he killed with a BB gun
Marge : What do you think he's doing up there?
Homer : I don't know, drug lab ?

[The family is watching the hatching of the eggs]
Homer : Oh man! this is the most exciting thing I've seen since that Haley comet collided with the moon.
Lisa : It never happened.
Homer : Sure it did.

[still waiting for the eggs to hatch].
Homer : Why is it taking so long? Bart was born in 5 minutes.
Marge : It took 53 hours!
Homer : Really? The time just flew by, didn't it?

[Homer the hippie]
Woman : Oh Homer! how do you keep your hair so thick and lustrous?
Homer : Lather-Rinse-Repeat. Always Repeat.

Come on, Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing! [Homer, the hippie is lying naked in the backyard]

[Homer at the sci-fi convention]
Mark Hamill : Who are you?
Homer : Homer Simpson, nerd-buster.

Forget Maggi, she's gone.

It's an honor guarding your body, sir. [to mayor Quimby].

I ordered 'double double burger' and they gave me 'double double double double burger'.

Oh sure, the mayor takes some bribes, but he also makes trains run on time.

Awh! the corpse is climbing the stairs!

[to Mark Hamill]
You're luminous, magnetic and incodescent (?).

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Rev.Lovejoy. This "saint" Flanders is as crooked as you and me. [Ned Flanders using senior citizen's card at the car wash].

He he, buffaloes are easy to kill.

Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver!

Corgan : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Homer : You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
Corgan : Well, we try to make a difference .

We got a little rule back home : if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.

Really? Me too! But I got kicked out 'cause of my views of Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors. [out of high school].

Bart : Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer : [checking] Nope.
Bart : What religion are you?
Homer : You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh ... Christianity.

[Homer joins the Naval Reserve]
Bart : Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
Homer : No.
Bart : But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!
Homer : Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
Marge : Homer!
Homer : But only if you're good! [to Bart] Even if you're not.

One Two Better Not Sue! [Homer, the chiropractor].

Oh! my spino cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can.

Man : There is no air in the outer space.
Homer : There's air in the space museum.

Hey, I thought real doctors hated chiropractors.

It's not trash can, son. It's Homer Simpson's spino cylinder!

Can you look even more pathetic? [conmen Homer and Bart]

Colgate Cavity Patrol!?!

I told you my memory is fuzzy ... FUZZY! [conman Homer in court].

You listen, Smash, we're not signing anything unless it's a contract.

Bart : Mom, my lifelong dream is to become a rock star!
Homer : And my lifelong dream is to get rid of Bart. How_many_ lives do you have to ruin?

Lisa : What does it mean? [some song on TV]
Homer : It doesn't mean anything - like ling-ding-aling or give peace a chance.

Homer : [from croud] Hey, Flanders! You're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge : He's the only coach this team has ever had... and the season hasn't even started yet!
Homer : Yeah, well ... he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge : You know, Homer, its very easy to criticize.
Homer : Fun, too.

Marge : Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer : Marge, you can stand there finding faults or you can knit me some seatbelts.

New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!

Oh, all right. But not a minute later cause when the sun goes down all the weirdos turn crazy. [Homer in New York City]

Homer : Ah ha! I've got it! Brain, how can I ever thank you?
Homer's Brain : Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.
[Homer gets out of his car, bumping his head on the way out] Sorry.

Man : Warning : tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer : See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Homer : Heh heh heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man : With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer : In theory, yes. [sotto voce] Jerk.

Homer : God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned : Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick --
Homer : [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?

It's just a legal thing ... to protect me. [adding Marge's name to 'Uncle Homer's Day Care Center].

You da man, Carl. I bet you can fly. [at the basketball game].

Miss work? But my life will be nothing without my nuclear plant! [after the basketball injury].

[a bored Homer with basketball injury at home tries to mate his cat and dog by putting them in a sack and shaking it].
Good ... we'll have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!

Okay, I'm going to come back with a perfect gift a husband can give his wife ... an annulment from his secret marriage. [annulment of Homer's Las Vegas marriage to a "floozie"].

Awh! a sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.

Homer : Homer Simp, I mean Max Power.
Woman : Nice name.
Homer : Isn't it? I got it from a hair dryer.

... And I've counted the pennies in the ash tray. [to the valet parking attendent]

... Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch.

Oh! I thought it would be cool to be on Springfield's 'A' list. But these people are NUTS!

[Homer is trying to escape from a group of hippos]
Does anything from the movies actually work?

Awh! good old govt !

Lisa : I just want to study!
Homer : That's not fun.
Lisa : It is to me!
Homer : No, it's not.

They like me because I'm brave! [at the slaughterhouse].

Must eat meat ... Must defeat the man I just met. [steak-eating contest at the slaughterhouse].

Hey, this man is not breathing. Don't people usually breathe?

[the dead trucker at the steak-eating contest].
He called me greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It's a thing we had.

Awh! open road!

Look son, it's one of nature's most beautiful sights ... a convoy!

Le Grill!?! What the hell is that? [Homer building a backyard barbeque].

Finally I found something that people worship me for screwing up. That feels pretty good. [Homer's screwed up barbeque seen as an "outsider's art"].

A mascot contest?!? I can win THAT! ... [sotto voice] ... unless one of you jinxes me. [for the Olympics at Springfield].

[Homer is trying for mascots]
Lisa : You paper mached my cat?!?
Homer : Only for a protocol, honey.

Ooh! a technical wonder!!! Ooh! got an itch. [scratches his butt]

Burns : ... I want to be loved.
Homer : ... Well ... I need a beer.

White people have names like Lenny and black people have names like Carl. He he he. [some "jokes" for Burns]

Can you believe I'm size 4?!? [Homer in Scotland wearing a kilt].

Larry Flynt is right. You guys stink. [MENSA Springfield chapter running the city].

Lisa : Hey, according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.
Homer : According to THEIR standard. But we live in America! [at the 33-cent store - eats that stuff and turns purple instantly].

Marge : Looks like the christmas tree saved you.
Homer : And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April. [Homer hiding from an accepted-duel-challange].

Come on Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum.

[Homer the food critic]
Marge : You know the letter 'e' doesn't work on that typewriter.
Homer : We don't need no stinkin' e. [for his food critic report]

Can you believe this, Marge? They're paying me to eat!

[Lisa writes the food critic reports]
Welcome to the humiliating world of Professional Writing!

Are you going to fire me for swiping off the supplies? [from his food critic job].

Homer : You should always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa : But Dad, what if ...
Homer : Always.

Your cooking has only two moves ... Shake ... ... and ... ... bake. [makes gestures]

Marge, your porkchops today get the lowest rating from me - only 7 thumbs up!

Lisa : What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?
Bart : Me. I smell a museum.
Homer : Yeah, good things don't end with eum. They end with mania. Or teria!

Bart : Hey, I'm going to go toss the virtual salad!
Lisa : I'm gonna read the giant book!
Homer : I'm going to try the sex education computer!

[Homer trying the sex education computer]
Homer : Aah! Eh! Ovulate, damn you! Ovulate!
Voice : You are out of sperm.

Marge : All right, all right, now, you're over stimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then it's right to bed.
Homer : Woo hoo! [running] Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed!

[picking an answering machine]
Hi, this is Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show-me-the-message!!!

Overdue book!?!? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ ... wait a minute ... the Bronco ... the cuts on his fingers ... those Jay Leno monologues ... HE DID IT!!!

He he he ... Trojans.

[Homer as Odysseus]
Aw! I must be wasted ... because that cloud looks like it is mad at me.

[Lisa as Joan of Arc]
This one takes place in the make-believe kingdom of France.

Victory!?!? We're FRENCH! We don't even have a word for it.

[Bart as Hamlet]
Bart : Does he get to marry his mom?
Homer : I don't know. That would be hot.

[Homer is Hamlet's father and returns as ghost]
It's cold outside. I need a sweater ... [sotto voice] A ... S.W.E.A.T.E.R.

Son, it's not only a great play ... it also became a great movie. It's called 'Ghost Busters'.

[Family is watching 'Itchy and Scratchy].
Bart : Cloning is a troubling issue.
Homer : Especially where the mouse kills the cat.

Get her! She's throwing something. [Marge]

Leprosy!?! I can't believe it! The fortune cookie was right! [Lisa playing a trick on Homer and Bart]

[Homer the biker]
Homer : A gang! That is the answer!
Lisa : Answer to what?
Homer : Don't make me hazzle you, Lisa.

Bill ... bill ... Awh! lliB! [turns the envelope] ... Oh Bill.

[a glue bucket stuck on Homer's head]
Marge : I tried some butter, but your father keeps eating it.
Homer : Couldn't you try some non-delicious butter?

[The glue bucket is removed by Bart, the miracle worker]
I see the light ... and it burns.

Yeah, you went to a cow college. [to Carl]

Lisa : Do you have any food that was not brutally slaughtered?
Homer : I have some steak here which died of lonliness.

Why won't anyone give ME an award?

[Homer drags a statue from the award ceremony]
Marge : That's not an award. It's part of the set.
Homer : Nothing you say will diminish this honor.

I stand by my disappointed growl.

Homer : See Marge, they could deep-fry my shirt.
Marge : I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't.

[Homer gets a horse]
Now let's see in this book of rules whether a horse can play in the NFL ... [checks] ... Awh!

Tomorrow in the race, other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies.

But you're respected athletes. You can own car dealerships and marry beauty queens! [to horse jockeys]

Oh! that's great. Chicks really dig sensitivity. [cheering Ned after his wife's death]

[PBS pledge debacle]
I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.

Save me, Jeebus.

Jeebus, where are you?

I want Jeebus.

Greg and Amy ... Greg and Amy ... why don't you marry Greg and Amy? [to the islanders on his "missionary"]

['Funny Family' - behind 'The Simpsons']
Then we found out that we can park them in front of TV! I was raised that way and I turned out TV!

And that horrible act of child abuse became a running gag. [strangling Bart]

That was the best Thanks-giving ever. Emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now.

[whispers to Becky, Otto's fiance, who was left at the alter for a heavy-metal band]
In about 15 minutes, you'll have to take that wedding dress off or else you'll look crazy.

Hey Flanders, can your god do that? [blowing fire from a statue's mouth, which later catches fire]

They called you pig, Sheriff. [in Florida]

Okay, be nerds. I'll find some people who will know the meaning of the two words 'par' 'te'.

Mr.Burns has a mother!?! She must be 100-million years old!

[Homer is jealous of Buck, the cowboy showing his movies]
Well, I broke a chair today. I didn't make a movie about it.

Hey nothing wrong with a little hey hey [Buck throws his drink and Playboy Magzine]

[Homer at work]
The chair goes round ... the chair goes round ... the chair goes round ...

Frank Grimes, the new guy : I don't think I'm paid to sleep.
Homer [fist action] : Oh Yeah, they're always trying to screw you!

Frank Grimes : How could you afford all this?
Homer : I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Oh! do I sound like that? I don't like having such a hilarious voice. [on tape]

You can't just kill off a plastic TV character! [Poochie, the dog with Homer's voice]

I've always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.

Okay, okay, I'll find you when I'm ready to stop having fun. [at the chili contest].

sunrise ... sunset ... sunrise ... sunset ... sunrise ... sunset ...
Note to self : Stop doing ANYTHING.

[At Stoner's Pot Place - crystalware]
Homer : We can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
Marge : May be we can use it once and return it.
Homer : What do you think it is, a toothbrush?

[Burns' son Larry is hitch-hiking with a sign 'springfield]
Homer : Can't they get a post for that sign?
Bart : That's a hitch-hiker.

[Larry kidnapping scheme]
Marge, you've been reading too many hide-out novels.

You su-diddly-uck, Flanders.

Saxamaphone ... Saxamaphone .. . Saxamaphone ...

Homer, how hardly I knew me! [Homer's autobiography]

[at the duff festival]
Go Moe! Boo everybodyelse!

[a face-lifted Moe]
Homer : Are you going to get even with that guy that never picks our lottery numbers?

['Lincoln's gold at the White House - is a note]
"The gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American."
Homer : Awh! crap!

[at the movie theater with many previews]
He he he ... I'm laughing .. . he he he ... but it's the laugh of impatience.

[a group at the door in the Bart at burlesque house]
Oh! this is not going to be about Jesus, is it?

[Homer thinks Bart is gay]
(to Marge) It's all your fault. Why do you have to be so feminine around him?

Name one gay Indian.

Oh! I'm having chestpain ... Where is the defribillator? ... Awh! this thing pays for itself!

Ooh! ... I almost fainted ... but then I didn't.

[lying on the couch]
Homer : I love these lazy Saturdays!
Marge : Today is Wednesday !
Homer : Awh! Work!

[lying on the couch]
I love these real Saturdays. So relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday which almost got me fired.

Vow! you sold a house AND got rid of the Flanders. [Marge, the real-estate agent]

[Homer makes Ned to quit as peewee football coach by constant heckling and becomes the coach himself]
Ned : Well ... good luck, Homer. No hard feelings.
Homer : Now you know it's not so easy to keep your mouth shut, eh, Flanders?

[Homer, the peewee football coach, after a gymnastics flashback]
From now on I'll be kinder to my son and meaner to my Dad.

Well ... 2 bucks ... only transports matter ... mmm ... well ... I'll give you 35 cents.

Sorry, this is a highly sophistimicated machine.

What do you like Lisa? violamin? tubaba?
Lisa : I want THAT.
Homer : Saxamaphone?

Watching all this stomach surgery has made me hungry. Marge , we need 5000 ccs. of snacks.

My hair is who I am. [at the Naval Reserve]

Mooching war widows! [proposition 305]

This world sucks!

My icecream sandwich!?! Then where the hell is my remote???

*** Internet - better than TV.com]

*** It may be on a lousy channel, but 'The Simpsons' is on TV!

ALL RIGHT!!! My bumper fell off!!!

God, why do you mock me?

Ooh! he must be a 100-feet tall!

Don't worry head. The computer will do all the thinking from now on.

I want my answers now or I want them eventually.

Oh, I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. There must be a way of here.

Vow! the soaked odors of a million meals! [baking soda in the fridge]

Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first life-time banning.

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumbass army guy.

They don't call em ... because I'm morbidly obese.

There's comes a time in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.

New Springfield Rocks!!! [new areacode 939]

Bart : Dad, I don't think it's a good idea.
Homer : Thank you, MARGE!!!

Those rich snobby Indians !

Krusty : Will you take on the Mob?
Homer : For a casual aquaintance like you? Absolutely!

Badger, my ass! It's probably Milhouse. [Badger, the bad dog]

939?!?! What the hell is that? Oh! my life is ruined. [areacode change from 636 to 939 for New Springfield]

Hahaha! Joan Collins ? That girl sleeps with everybody!

Homer : Ah! I have a question!
Lisa : It's a movie, Dad.
Homer : Wait Lisa, daddy's asking a question.

And as usual, we Joe Twelve Packs are getting the Royal Screw Jobs [636-939 change]

Nice wiring, Bart [sarcasm - on a suicide belt]

Marge, come on in. Maggi smells bad. The cat seems to want something. I don't know what. [the cat is carrying his foodplate]

Oh No! they are stealing the tire fire!!!

Finally I can combing my love of helping people with my love of hurting people! [Homer the cop - SpringShield]

Woohoo! I'm the chief of police!

I don't get it. I finally get a job in which I'm not lazy or stupid or corrupt and I get killed for it! [Fat Tony is after SpringShield cop Homer]

Awh, garbage water. [clenching his to the sky] ... You're pushing me, baby!

No time now ... 've to write a delicious memo ... mmm ... memo ...

Who cares? Those are some decent, generous people whom I can take advantage of. [The Movementarians' free weekend offer].

This is Jerry McGuire. Show me the message!

Oh, I cannot stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk.

[Homer is at the office and the phone rings]
Homer : Hello!
Lisa : Dad!
Homer : [angrily] Who is this?

We're rich ! Richer than astronauts!

I don't want to go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you. I saw that in a movie. [to the IRS]

Walk!?! That wasn't part of the deal! [Homer, the IRS snitch]

Oh! a trillion dollar bill! That's some spicy meatball!

What do you say, honey! Feeling stupid? I know I am!

[Homer on medical pot]
Awh! that saxaphone would make a good pipe!

Oh man! We killed Mr.Burns! Mr.Burns is going to kill us!

X is for X-treme! [Homer eagerly waiting for Xtreme Football on TV]

He never even lived to be a vegetable. [mistaken that his father is dead] .

I will never even live to see my children die! [middle-aged Homer]

He he he! I have a boil on my ass!

[The Simpsons are in Branson, MO searching for Abe]
Marge : Look! it's grampa!!!
Homer : Munster?!?!?!
Marge : No, Simpson!
Homer : Oh! darn! darn! darn! darn! [stamping his foot].

Wait ... wait ... in August, it's cold, in February, it's hot ... Ooh! the opposite land! ... where crooks chase cops, cats have puppies! ... [Brazil]

[to Lisa in Brazil, who insists to be a vegetarian]
But you're on vacation! See, I took off my wedding ring!

The Chair!?!? How come they give crucifixion only during sweeps?

[Homer's Tule Box]

Marge : Homer, Kang is Maggi's father.
Homer : Awh! ... You intergalactic hussy! How could you? Was he better than me?

Awh! I killed that horrible bug! [screamapillar]

Meals on Wheels! Eat this or I'll go to jail.

Old man : Eh! this used to have a cobbler.
Homer : The discontinued the cobbler.

Marge, I can't say no to an old woman. They put a spell on you.

The sea forgets all ... unlike those mean old mountains! I hate them so much!

Ooh! what a high-tech wonder! ... wait I got an itch. [scratches himself in a Sci-Fi convention on a large TV]

In my role as the customer, I saw the whole thing.

You broung a convict here? Near my unpatented idea? [Homer's spinocylinder]

[Homer wakes up in office in a dream]
Awh!!! 1939!!! I've gone back in time. I've to warn everybody about Hitler! Then I've to go to that icecream shop(???)

Lisa : Dad, we are trying to conserve energy!
Homer : Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win!

Vow! a world without Krusty! I wonder what it would be like! [imagines]

Oh yeah, I was at the flower shop too ... yep ... getting drunk at the old flower shop.

[Homer's fortune cookie predictions]
You'll find true love on Flag Day.
The price of stamps will rise ever higher.
You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
Your store will be robbed, Apu.

Stop the dog. He has my gum.

Come on, he is a total player. [vouching for Mr.Burns on his date]

Yep, no one is more rowdier or useful than Mr.Burns.

Can I have my icecream? I finished my pizza.

Let go off her or ... I'll scream!

What about the weiner? This guy lifted a can of paint with it!

Pffft ... Chief Wiggum couldn't catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party!

Homer : You sell hats?
Man : Mmm
Homer : To people?
Man : Mmm
Homer : To people with heads?

A blackout?!!? ... mmm ... everytime Santa and I get together, it's a disaster!

No, I've caused enough disaster by plugging in that Santa. No more irresponsible behavior.

[Apu's fling episode]
Come come, we need many Indians to shoot. [for civil war reenactment]

Okay okay, don't go Mary Todd on me.

This was supposed to be a mock battle. Don't worry, I'll drink around your wound . ... so cold ... so cold [beer keg shot at the civil war].

Why do you always take the side of local merchants? [to Marge regarding the damaged keg]

Mmm ... that giggle is none of my business. Or is it? [Apu's fling with the Squishee lady]

Awh! what's a eunuch?

Nothing ... nothing ... nothing is eating me inside.

Marge : What's the score?
Homer : Dirty love ... I mean 30 love.

Marge, why are you crying? You're not in any physical pain, the only pain a man can understand.

I saw you and the squishee lady kanoodling like junkyard rats.

Yes ... you ... are ... scum. [on Apu's fling].

Marge : Why don't you talk to Apu? (about his fling)
Homer : He already knows.

You might hear from your friends or coworkers that Apu is not living at home. [to Bart and Lisa].

Apu : I used to believe in Karma, but now I think it's bologna.
Homer : Mmm ... Carmel bologna ...

It was magic. He took a corn flower girl and turned her into a my fair lady.

[Apu to eat a light bulb for his fling]
Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it.

No no no ... not the good cheek!

Aawh! ... she must've dreamt about Hitler again. [Lisa in gymnastic class ]

Hey! where's my keg?

[Bart is in a bubble due to some infection and Homer puts water in the bubble for a bath and rolls Bart over]
Now that's called parenting ... and now I'm off to Moe's.

[Bubble Bart is stuck on the tree]
I was trying to throw Bart over the tree and he got stuck.

Lisa : Doogie Howser went to college at my age.
Homer : Against my wishes.

[The Screamapillar episode]
Are you sure God doesn't want it dead?

Marge : Why is he screaming now?
Homer : If he wants to sleep with us, forget it.

Now let's not get into who smells like what.

[Homer is in a old woman's house for his community service for endangering 'screamapillar'].
Oh! don't kill me. I won't tell anyone about the skeleton. I'll even bring more victims, like Lenny. He'll go well with wild rice.

Yeah, I've been complimented about my talking.

[to Marge, when they're serving the old woman for Homer's community service].
Sssh! The mrs. prefers you call me Simpson.

[Homer is talking to Carmen Electra, staring at her breasts]
Carmen : Awh, Homer, my face is up here.
Homer : I've made my choices.

I haven't been a size 6 since my prom.

I am in your power. Boss me around. [a hypnotized Homer].

Oh! it hurts now, but senility will take care of that.

Your father was smart as a monkey. Then his mind started getting lazy and he became dumb as a chimp.

Son, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. So, if a stranger offers you a ride, I say take it.
Abe Simpson.