Peppi : What are those star constellations?
Homer : That one is Jerry, the cowboy ... and the different looking thing there is Salid(?), the cowboy.

Peppi : I love you, papa Homer.
Homer : I love you, Pepsi.
Peppi : Peppi.

Bart : Homer, where is my skate?
Homer : I gave it to Peppi.
Bart : Who the hell is Peppi?
Homer : He is my little brother. You're not the only one who can use a non-profit organization.

Big Brother to Bart : Bart, you should not talk to strangers.
Homer : For your information, I am his father.
Big Bro : That drunken gambler?
Homer : [smiling] ... yeah and who might YOU be?

He he he ... a grisly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a ...

[at the Monopoly game]
Bart : You seem to be a little light there, Homer.
Homer : Come on, Bart, you know I'm good for it.
Bart : I would like to trust you Dad, but you've been to jail 3 times.

Homer : This is a bar. This is where I come to drink alcohol which is equivalent to your ...
Gabriel : Homer, I am NOT an angel.
Homer : Pfft ... not with THAT temper.

Cooperate? This is one family that does not swing that way.

Liquor drunkens me.

Sitting on the bed, eh?

Marge, we never ever made whoopie, not even mouth whoopie. [about his marriage to a girl in Las Vegas, who suddenly shows up at his house].

You can't kick me out, Marge. It will cause a miscount in the census. A miscount in the census, Marge.

Of all the things that I've done to come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst. [the Las Vegas girl Homer married showing up at his house].

Marge : Come on inside. We can talk.
Homer : About what? sports? bigamy?

There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.

Your father traded our tools for M&Ms again
- Marge

Screw this. I am converting. O! You Almighty Re!
[Millhouse in the Adam-Eve episode - exodus].

I don't need anyone to tell me what to think ... anyone LIVING.
Ned Flanders

You're not as stupid as you look, or sound as our best testing indicates.
Burns

Marge : Mmm ... sugar-free donut!
Apu : No , it's sugar, wheat-free donut.

You should listen to your heart and not to the voices in your head.
Marge to Bart

We can't afford to shop in any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV.
Marge

So many previews! So many previews! So many previews!

[at the gay pride parade].
Hey, look at those abs. They all have six packs. All I have is a keg. [looks at his tummy].

My mouth ... my beautiful mouth.

[Homer's jaws wired shut for medical reasons].
[thinks] Marge thinks Ned Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.

[thinks] Oh! Bart has feelings! he he he ... he's a cutie!

[at the bar] You'd be surprised how much you can learn if you listen once in a while.

For you ... I'll be as dull as Dilbert(?)

Marge : Now he's taking everything to heart.
Homer : As much as humanly possible.

Homer : I'm going to bed.
Marge : It's only 7:30!
Homer : Marge, I can stand here and argue with you all day. Then I'll have to get another glass of milk.

[million dollar episode]
Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge!

He he he ... unguarded breakfast, the sweetest of them all.

Hey Marge, he's the guy who couldn't get any of you. [Arty, the inventor].

Spill it, moneybag.

[Arty asks for a weekend with Marge for a million dollars].
A MILLION DOLLARS!!! ... wait a minute ... how much sex will be involved ?

Marge : I like the other noises you make in bed. [to a snoring Homer].
Homer : One squeaking, creaking symphony coming up.

Okay Arty, you can have her for the weekend. But NO funny stuff. Funny stuff includes holding hands, googoo eyes, ...

[Homer at Moe's after sending Marge with Arty for the weekend]
I didn't sell her. I just granted her to an old boy friend. You think she'll fall for that guy even after I bought her that hockey tape?

[at the fake prom at Arty's]
Guard : Have you been drinking?
Homer : Only for 25 years.

[at Moe's again]
Guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kiss a far superior man.

[leaves a video tape for Marge]
Marge, if you are watching this, that means I've got this camera working.

[at the oil field, working there with Lenny]
This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

[Arty admits defeat and leaves]
Arty, you saved my life ... now I believe there's a little business of a million dollars.
Marge : You can't take his money.
Homer : I can't take HIS money. I can't bring my OWN money. I've to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

Lisa : Springfield Prep School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
Homer : Knowing them will only want you to go here.

[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : You're stealing!!!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!

Aucitoneer : This 100 dollars goes to Ned Flanders .
Homer : AWH!
Ned : This goes straight to the orphanage.
Homer : AWH!

[Lisa doesn't want to get away from the private school].
Homer : Don't worry Honey. You cannot go here now. But when it's time for you to go to college, my daughter will go to the finest college ... ... in South Carolina!

[Advising Bart about girls]
Homer : Don't give them any nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar ... and always get receipt ... makes you look like a business guy.

Aw! I sat on something sharp ... He he he I have a foil on my ass.

[to go to Canada]
Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Guard : But we are closing in 5 minutes.
Homer : Will an American dollar change your mind?
Guard : Ooh! American currency! What time would you like your breakfast served, sir?

[Advising Bart on girls, again]
Homer : Look boy, nobody likes a quitter. So, go back there and win her back.
Bart : But she's not coming back.
Homer : Oh! I quit. There is no convincing you. I give up. I want to go to sleep. [falls down and sleeps].

Marge : Your father is dead.
Homer : [crying] Awh! ... and he never lived to be a vegetable.

Sure I said I loved him [his father]. But I never said I was in love with him.

[Abe wants to drive again against Homer's wishes]
Abe : What about your DUI?
Homer : That was DWI.

... and another thing ... NOooo Death Racing!

Marge : First he wrecks your car. Then he steals my car. Your father is out of control.
Homer : Oh Sure, when he does something bad, he is MY father!

Sherman : You must be the man who didn't know whether it was a blister or a boil.
Homer : It was a gummy bear.

Oh yeah! I won the belching contest at work. [belches to Sherman who shows his film award]

Okay I am not smart like that Sherman guy. But does he know all the words to the Oscar Meyer song?

And that's what I call a moon shot!

[There is an unrecognized call to Brazil on the phone bill]
Which phone company? There are hundreds of them! They all keep changing their names ... awhh [sobs].

Phone co. rep : I'll cut off your service.
Homer : I'll cut off your pony tail.
[then whispers to Marge : That's called negotiating.]

I told you I have too much time on my hands!

[Lisa admits to making that Brazil call]
Marge : But you're the good one.
Homer : The one we both like.

Don't you know that the little boys from Brazil are Hitlers? I saw that in a movie, whose name I can't remember.

[Marge is impressed with the Brazilian kid in the photos]
Marge : Can we have another kid?
Homer : No way. I haven't lost the weight I put on on the last one.

The Simpsons are going to Antarctica ... next year! This year we're going to Brazil!

Wait wait ... In August it is cold! In February, it is hot?!?

[a giant statue of Jesus in Brazil]
VOW! it's like he is on the dashboard of the entire country!

Ooh! they look like skittles! [color rats in Brazil]

Make me a drink with all your Brazilian fruits mixed together. [drinks it] ... Sweet! Sweet!! ... awh ... sweet ... sweet ... [licks mud]

[Homer and Bart get into an "unlicensed taxi" in Brazil]
Cabby : Americans! I'm afraid this is a kidnapping.
Homer : Ooh! then I don't have to pay the fare!

I have the bladder the size of a Brazil nut. [to his kidnappers]

I don't know. They've been seeing a lot of me for free. [to call his family for ransom]

[calls Flanders after calling Moe and Burns]
Homer : Flanders, I need 100,000 dollars.
Ned : I really don't have that kind of money. But if you need it so badly, you'll be in my prayers.
Homer : Go suck a Bible.

Eh, same old garbage. [Marge's dinner].

Isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?

[Homer is on medical marijuana]
Ned : Homer, it's me, Ned.
Homer : Yeah right, the God dude.

... or you just rented 'Matrix', medical marijuana can make all things fabulous.

I could blow smoke in the president's stupid monkey face and all he could do is groove on it!

No cold turkey is as delicious as it sounds. [quitting medical marijuana].

This dope can ANYTHING seem funny ... even that show that comes after 'Friends'.

He's [Bill Clinton] a Jimmy Carter with a fox attitude.

Mr.Burns has left the building.

Then the day came that changes everything for a couple ... the day we got our elephant ...

[At the Friars Club roasting Homer as the 'Man of the Hour']
Homer : Do the proceeds go to any charity?
Krusty : Hell No.
Homer : WOO HOO!

Eh! that was at MY expense. What kind of a roast is this?

Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ...

Le Grille? what the hell is that?
The more you rock, the angrier I get.

I'm a rageaholic. I cannot live without a rageahol.

Lisa : The first step to cure is admitting that that you have a problem.
Homer : Is it also the last step?
Lisa : No, quitting is the last step.
Homer : Awh ... [sobs].

Yeah he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. [David Schwimmer]

Well, I'm not Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty good impression of Columbo. [to his superior at the naval reserve].

What's an email?

Well, a paperweight will be nice. But what I really need is a computer.

Computer, kill Flanders.

Oh! dancing Jesus!

Finally I did it. I changed the world. Now I know how God feels.

Marge : I'm glad you won a Pulitzer prize.
Homer : FINALLY!!!

I don't know anything. At least I don't think so.

I'm not a number. I'm a man. No ... wait ... I'm number 5! In your face, number 6!

Who are you and why am I here? I want the answers NOW or I'll want them eventually.

That lousy pothole!

Space Coyote : You've to learn a lesson.
Homer : If you're talking about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.

In your face, space coyote!

[the tough judge episode]
I LOVE our court dates.

Judge : Don't spit on my cupcake and call it frosting, boy.
Homer : [excited] ... What did she say about cupcakes?

Prison guard : Sir, you're not size 4.
Homer : I used to be ... hu hu ...[cries]

Don't you have any court-appointed baby sitter or "au pair"

[to a tethered Bart, at the softball game]
Block out everything but the sound of my criticism.

Bart : I am cold and scared.
Homer : That's my sucker!

Bart : Dad, I've to go to the bathroom.
Homer : I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. Why do we even have a bottle? Somebody tell me.

Judge : First admit that you're bad parents.
Homer : I admit.
[Marge protests the charge to the judge]
Homer : Your honor, could I be tried separately?

[Homer and Bart are still tethered together by the court order]
Marge : I can't do that in front of our kid.
Homer : Marge, kids are very visual these days.

Hey, may be I should be a milkman!

She lives in a HOUSE BOAT?!? She's so cool!

[Homer and Marge sneak into the judge's boat house and hang a sign 'BIG MEANIE' and get caught]
[peeking in the window] ... Look at her in there ... watching her body!

[judge's boat house is destroyed]
That quilt was made by my grand mother!
Homer : Mmm ... then it cost you nothing.

Time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.

[Homer and Marge are punished by the judge]
We can be free of these if you just admit you're a bad mother. You don't even have to say 'bad', you can be negligent or ... or 'drugged up'.

Marge : Homer, I think you should help Lisa with her science project.
Homer : Yeah, syrup is better than jelly. [eating his breakfast].

I've learn to think a lot faster.

Did I think that loudly?

The man never drank a duff in his life. [responding to a Nixon ad for duff in 1960].

Driving School class : Here's a fellow. They're peeling him off the sidewalk.
Homer : He he he. It's funny because I don't know that guy. [driver ed class after a DWI arrest].

My name is Homer. I am here because the court made me come. [AA meeting].

Marge : Do you ever drink alone?
Homer : Does God count as a person?
Marge : No.
Homer : Then yes.

Well beer, we had some great times. [sings 'When I was seventeen'].

Homer's brain : Don't think about beer.
[sees a 'Alcohol-fuelled car' sign and imagines pumping gas]
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

One down and 29 to go. [giving up alcohol for a month].

TV, have you turned on me too? [beer commercials].

But Marge, the guys at Moe's will be expecting me. Moe, Barney and that guy that calls me Bill.

[Homer and Bart are watching an Swazzeneger movie on TV].
Bart : That's one evil man.
Homer : That's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.

Marge : Mmm Homey, you're the union leader. I'm so proud of you.
Lisa : Finally you get to share the fair share of the working force.
Homer : And make life-long contacts with organized crime. ... mmm organized crime.

Homer : I don't know why I was elected as the union leader in the first place.
Marge : That's because they all like you.
Homer : Yeah, they are always patting my head for good luck and tickling my tummy to hear my girlish laughter.
Marge : That doesn't sound like they like you.
Homer : Yeah. The first thing I'll do tomorrow is to punch Lenny at the back of his head. [the next day he does when Lenny is drinking coffee].

Homer : Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa : I learned that 8 ounces make a pint.
Bart : I got expelled.
Homer : That's my boy ... [drinking beer] ... mmm ... beer ... [thinks] ... WHAT???

Marge, forget him. He is 10 years old. Let's focus all our energy on Lisa and the other one. Lisa, what's your problem?

TV : GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!
Bart : Vow!!! Dad, what's a gabbo?
Homer : Some guy's name? A guy named Gabbo???

Teacher : The exams will consist of 50 questions - true or false ...
Homer : True.
Teacher : Homer, I am just describing the exam.
Homer : True.

Oh! what a noble visionary thought of the April Fools Day!

Homer : ... and then came the story of the April fool.
Lisa : Dad, I was telling the story.
Homer : Oh, yeah.

No no no no ... beer bring pain. [Homer in the hospital because of Bart's April fool prank].

[PBS pledge episode]
Bart :You're watching PBS?
Homer : Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I stumbled across the most delicious British sitcom.

PBS TV : Folks, we've just reached our goal of ten thousand, seven hundred dollars, and it's all thanks to one generous caller ... who didn't leave his name.
Homer : [laughs]
PBS TV : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace. [a picture of Homer appears on the screen. He screams]
Homer : Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?

Lisa : Mom, Dad's on PBS!
Marge : Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they?
Homer : [on TV] Um, it's an honor to give ten thousand dollars. Especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
Marge : From now on, one of us always stays home.

[Homer in a South Pacific island as missionary, hiding from PBS]
Marge : Homer, are you all right?
Homer : I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough .
Marge : You've only been gone two days.
Homer : Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.

Lisa, Jr. : Amy said that there are lots of religions. Which is the right one?
Homer : Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.
Ak : If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not? Ak just saying.
Homer : Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.

Ak : Why are you building chapel?
Homer : Because you're all terrible sinners.
Q'Toktok : Since when?
Homer : Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to hell.

[family in an electric car]
Marge : Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
Homer : Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too.

Uh, I'm sorry, but the car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now?

Homer : Mel Gibson is just a guy Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
Marge : Were you or Lenny ever named Sexiest Man Alive?
Homer : Hmmm, I'm not certain about Lenny ...

[Mel Gibson's version of the stirring speech Jimmy Stewart's character gave near the end of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer : Boring!
Marge : It's not boring. He's passionate about government.
Homer : At least the Jimmy Stewart version had the giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan.

Homer : Well, that was a stinker.
Marge : I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solved their problems with words instead of bullets and chasing.
Homer : Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend [Mel Gibson] was in it. I'll bet that you would have hated it if me and Lenny was Mr.Smith.

That's it! I'm telling Mr. Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of his movie. Hey, Gibson!

Milo : Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?
Homer : It was symbolism. He was mad.
Christian : But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like "Howard's End" or "Sophie's Choice."
Homer : Ugh. Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. [sotto voce] P. S. : Mission accomplished. [high-fives Gibson]

I am not popular enough to be different.

... with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog ...

My kids are sick of all my stories. Yours [Flanders] can't seem to get enough of me. [babysitting the Flanders kids]

Bart : I thought you were doing this [babysitting] only until your knee got better.
Homer : Then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa : What about us?
Homer : Don't worry, honey, you'll have kids of your own someday.

This valentine crap has gone too far. [angry about Apu's courting of his wife]

Baby, we got them now. They can't escape from the airport. [following Apu on valentine's day]

Homer : [to Burns] So, you want me to go to college.
Bart : Ha, barber or clown?
Homer : BART!!!

Oh, I hate that lousy dean.

But nerds are my mortal enemies!

But Marge, we college kids are upto no good.

Excuse me, little piggie ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight [keeps pulling the piggie's tail until the piggie bites him].

Is poopoo one word or two?

I'll draw a frownie face on my butt and pull down my pants. [for entertaining Burns on his birthday] .

Don't worry, he'll be ready for your aunt Selma's birthday. [ his bare butt for display].

Homer : But I am confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge : It's an ending. That's enough.

Aw! finally some quiet time to read some of my old favorites ... Honey-roasted peanuts ... ingredients ... peanut, artificial honey-roasting agents, salt ...

Aw! the last peanut! ... overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers!

[at the rafting trip - partners]
Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders

[stranded on the raft at sea]
See boy, your old man was right!, not Flanders. We are doomed. In your face, Flanders.

Ooh! there's something you don't see everyday in a toilet! [a pair of glasses - picks them from the bowl and wears them]

Lisa : Dad, you should not be wearing glasses not prescribed for you.
Homer : [looking at Bart] Lisa, just because you're 10-feet tall, it doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

[Legal gambling in Springfield]
Shshsh ... I am teaching the kid [Maggi] how to gamble.

[Marge gets adddicted to gambling ]
Lisa : There's nothing there for breakfast.
Homer : Lisa, you should learn to improvise ... cloves ... cold milk ... pie crust ...

Homer : Marge, you're spending too much time in the casino. I think you might have a problem.
Marge : I won 60 dollars last night .
Homer : Woohoo! 60 dollars! Problem solved.

Lisa : Mom hasn't made my geography costume yet.
Homer : Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just she has a career now. She's a slot jockey.

[the whole house is in disarray and Homer is running around with a revolver]
Marge : WHAT happened here?
Homer : A little incident involving the boogie man. This would not have happened if you had been here to prevent me from acting stupid.

Homer : Marge, I want you to admit that you have a gambling problem.
Marge : Yes, I have a problem. May be I should get some professional help.
Homer : It's too expensive. You just quit.

WOOHOO! for the first time in our marriage, I can look down my nose on you, because you have a GAMBLING problem!!! You remember the time you caught me stealing watches at Sears? That's nothing because you have a GAMBLING problem!

[Homer reading paper] Today's horoscope : 'Today will be like any other day.' ... Awh! it just gets worse and worse!.

What are you so happy about? You kids have to go to school. I have to go to work. The only one who got it easy here is your mom. [Marge is scrubbing the floor]

Yes son, when you are a musician, a job is called a gig.

[to form a neighborhood watch group to catch a cat burgler]
Homer : We don't need a thinker. We need a doer. Who will do anything without considering the consequences.
Crowd : Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!

[warning the kids about the cat burgler]
Marge : ... and don't take candy from strangers.
Homer : Marge! they are only human!

[Homer is in charge of the vigilante group]
You know, push people around, make ourselves look big.

Homer : Hey, where did you get that jazz from?
Man : Sears.
Homer : GET HIM!

[Homer singing] I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar You are the cat burglar.

Dad, I love you, but you're a weird-headed old crank and nobody likes you.

The union code says everyone should win 'The worker of the week' award at least once, irrespective of gross incompetence, obesity or rank holding.

Homer : Hello, is this NASA?
Reply : Yes.
Homer : Good. Listen, I am sick of all your stupid space launches. I know I'm just a blue-collar slob ...
Reply : How did you get this number?
Homer : Shut up and another thing, how com I cannot get a glass of tang around here?

[NASA looking for that blue-collar slob who made the phone call and Homer initially points Barney and then recants]
Oh no, I made that phone call. I made it. I make prank calls all the time. Ask the FBI. They have a file on me. I have a file.

NASA officer : Well Homer, it looks like you are the winner by default.
Homer : Default? The two sweetest words in the English language. Dee Fault, dee fault, dee fault, dee fault ...

[Homer all "ready" to go to space]
Let's invade the White House and kill the president ... Gumbo.

The astronauts aboard the spaceship are communicating with singer James Taylor at the NASA center]
Homer [in the spaceship] : VOW! former president James Taylor!

Marge : Everybody pick a floor and start cleaning.
Homer : I call basement!
Bart & Lisa : Okay.
Homer (looks at the basement) : D'oh!

He [Bart] is taking the elephant instead of the money!

[Bart wins an elephant in a radio contest and Santa's little helper and Snowball feel left out and so perform some tricks]
Homer : Hey! what's with them?
Lisa : I think they are trying to get some attention.
Homer : Well, GOOD LUCK with that.

I have two questions : How much and give it to me. [selling the elephant].

Lousy job. Nothing interesting ever happens here.

[Homer, the human chimney sweeper]
This may be a dirty job, but the guys at the top are working even harder. [Burns is shirtless, watching TV, eating chips]

[Burns chooses Bart to be his heir]
Marge : Are you thinking what I am thinking
Homer : Yeah, let's push him down the steps.

[Bart is to go to Burns' mansion and live with him]
Homer : Aw! Bart gets to do that. How come I cannot be lurking near the bushes outside chef Boyardee's house?

[Bart is throwing peas at Lisa]
Marge : Homer, say something.
Homer : Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

[Bart is being deprogrammed after Burns programs him to stay with him as his heir]
Deprogramming Officer : But I got Paul McCartney out of that group(?)
Homer : You idiot! he was the most talented one.

[another deprogrammed man arrives at Homer's house and Homer kisses him over and over]
Marge : Homer, that's not Bart.
Homer : Can we keep him anyway?

Hey the trail of donuts has ended.

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. [kissing the deprogrammed guy]

Sure they [Shelbyville] could have got back at me for spiking their water supply, but they have no guts.

An athlete : Ned Flanders here showed me that there is more to playing football and sleeping with ligerie models.
Homer [murmuring] : Professional athletes! always wanting more.

Now I have four children. You, I'll call 'Stitchface'. [an autographed football given to Homer]

They don't call me 'Springfield Big Fat' because I am morbidly obese.

[to Flanders] I got to know your family. I want you to get to know my family. [and brings Ned Flanders to Moe's]

Ned : Haideho, neighbors!
Homer : Get lost, Flanders.
Ned : Odiely Doodly.

[The extra-absorbant paper towel guy]
Signed photo? Marge hasn't asked for my signed photo in months! I'll show her.

[Homer tricks Marge into believing that the paper towel guy is coming to dinner and arranges for Barney to show up]
Lisa : That was a cruel joke you played. You hurt mom's feelings.
Homer : What about me? It was hard on me too. I had to wear a suit.

[Homer is hypnotised at a show]
I am in your power. Boss me around.

It was one of those lazy summer days you would think would last forever. [Homer recalling some traumatic event at age 12]

It's [the traumatic event at age 12] is responsible for all the things that are wrong in my life ... my occassional over-eating, my fear of corpses ...

[The family goes to the quarry to find the corpse Homer spotted when he was 12]
Marge : It's the body?
Homer : Someone has eaten the flesh.

[Burns shows a homevideo of Smithers Sr.'s unfortunate death]
Ooh! a movie! I call the couch.

Now the movie has turned into a play! [Smithers Jr. walks in at the end of the movie]

[Homer has Smithers Sr.'s skull in a box]
Marge : Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Smithers Jr.?
Homer : What's the point? He'll bury it anyway.

Homer : I am sick of this Tarzan movie.
Lisa : Dad, this is a documentary on the homeless.
Homer : Really.

[A vicious dog is stalking Bart]
Bart, sometimes dogs hate people for no reason.

It's not fair. This Buck fellow had all the breaks in life. Horse riding lessons, finest makeup ...

[Homer and Bart are watching Buck ...'s cowboy tricks]
Bart : That's a fancy shoot!
Homer : I've seen fancier.
Bart : He's drunk!
Homer : I've seen drunker.

Homer : Bart lost his hero tonight. I should be the happiest guy in the world. But why don't I feel so?
Marge : You care about Bart's feelings.
Homer : Stop saying that.

I'm not giving up on Buck. There must be some hair-brain half-ass way. [to save Buck from alcoholism]

Bart : Buck, you're my hero again.
Homer : Son, aren't you forgetting someone?
Bart : Then there is Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Kuchi(?), America's firefighters and then YOU, Dad.
Homer : And don't you forget it.

I can't let the boy see me skipping work. [disguises with a black comb as his mustache and passes Bart by]

Awh! jury duty! I'll see that Freddy Quimby hang for this.

I think Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free ... ... hotel! [Homer in the jury of Mayor Quimby trial]

You say I don't make money. I found a dollar when I was waiting for the bus.

Boy, we have hit the jackpot! White gold, Texas tea! [a truck load of sugar]

... and I am going to sell it directly to the consumer at a low low price of one dollar per pound. [stolen sugar]

They are somehow defending themselves. [Bees at the sugar pile]

This bar is like a tavern to me.

Shut up, liver!

[Marge's fear of flying episode]
Come on, Marge, it's an opportunity for you to clean up after us in a WHOLE NEW STATE!

Don't worry Marge, we don't need to go on a trip. We can wait for the killer bees to come to us.

[Marge becomes unhinged after a "plane" experience]
You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine. So behave.

[Mage sees a psychiatrist]
Homer : Ever since you've been seeing the psychiatrist, everything is about you. It's you you you. What about ME, Marge?
Marge : This is my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet.
Homer : See ... It's MY first session. I haven't opened MY mouth yet.

[Homer's suggestions for fortune cookie readings]
'You'll be aroused by a shampoo commercial.'
'The price of stamp will climb ever higher.'
'You'll find true love on Flag Day.'

Can I have my icecream? I finished my pizza.

Let go off her. Or I'll scream. [Burns' fiance from her old boy friend]

Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. [for shooting Mr.Burns]

Yeah, finally the good Lord has blessed me with a REAL family. [25 puppies of Santa's Little Helper]

"Puppets for free or Best Offer" - sign for the sale of Santa's Little Helper's puppies]

It must be the first of the month. It's Bill Board Day!!!

He he he ... clowns_are_funny.

Lisa : Vow! good aim, dad!
Homer : Thanks, it was my major. [Homer passing Clowns College degree].

[Homer impersonating Krusty, the clown]
He [Chief Wiggum] didn't give me the ticket. This is an intriguing development!

Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radio-active men?

At times like these, I wish I were a religious man. [comet toward Springfield]

Flanders, you're the only useless person here. If anybody should leave, it is you. [from Flanders' bomb shelter due to comet scare]

[Lisa is restless due to teachers' strike]
I know. This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

I've just had enough of your Vasser bashing, young lady .

Marge, the cop : You have the right to remain silent.
Homer : I choose to waive that right. Awh ... Awh ... [yells]

Homer : Marge, do you think I am intelligent?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say Yes? Am I stupid?
Marge : ... ... ... ... No ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say No? Were you humoring me?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! That is bad ...

Nonononono, guys ... I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruity".

[Home and Marge are asleep in bed when a loud banging awakens them, shaking the whole house.]
Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!

Stuck-up Riverdale punks ... think they're too good for me!

[looks at ballot information]
Hmm ... I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]

Marge : Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
Homer : Pffffft. Maps.

Homer : Marge, where's the Duff!?!
Marge : Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer : D'oh!
Marge : Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer : Don't toy with me, woman!

Ned : May the best man win.
Homer : 'May the best man win.' The mating call of the loser!

Marge : We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer : Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.

Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires?

Clerk : Five dollars, please. [car wash for Flanders]
Homer : Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price?
Clerk : Senior citizens' discount.
Homer : Pfft. Senior citizen? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me! That's right. It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How you ask? With a phony senior discount card!

Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life!

Ned : This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
Homer : Well, well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned : Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned : How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer : Wellisy, wellisy, wellisy ...
Ned : Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer : Let's do it.
Ned : So what about all this meat?
Homer : Ah, the missus will clean that up.

Homer : Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? Barney is April twentieth, same as Hitler's, so Marge must be fifty ... oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday?
Ned : Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
Homer : Seven, eh? [Homer places his chips on seven; the ball lands in the seven slot] Way to go, Flanders! The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?

Ned : How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, 'think'?
Homer : You mean Lisa?
Ned : Oh, no, I mean common sense.
Homer : Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol! You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
Ned : You threw it out the ...
Homer : Never mind, just pay attention. Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!

Ned : Look at this place. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing!
Homer : Welcome to my world.

Homer : Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam. Or possibly scamola! We would remember if we got married.
Amber : Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo!
Ginger : Take a look at this. [she hands Homer a video]
Homer : Aw, precious memories.

[Homer and Ned get married in Las Vegas to strangers]
Homer : But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
Ned : Ginger's my wife!
Homer : Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, sweetie.
Ned : Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets?
Homer : Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. [makes whip sound]

Homer : I don't know, Flanders, having two wives could have its advantages.
[Homer's imagination conjures up himself lying in a hammock while Marge and the cocktail waitress chop wood and dig a hole, respectively]
Homer : Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig ...
Marge : You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you ...
Homer : I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping! -- Um, yeah ... they could bring you a beer and a lemonade.

Oh, those awful women want their omelets.

Homer : All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts ...
Ned : What's the occasion?
Homer : Because we love them, jackass! Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart when suddenly, one hundred spaceships ...
Ned : Homer!
Homer : You're right, you're right, fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.
Ned : Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
Homer : Would you rather tell Maude the truth?
Ned : [sighs] What did the aliens look like?
Homer : Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well hello, little birdie!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep—in a blender.

Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!

You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin ' for some spankerin'.

Note to self. Stop doing anything.

Florida. That's America's wang.

If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.

Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.

Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.

If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.

Sooo, how's life in the gutter? [to a broke Burns].

'Hey! You know what I really like about you English? Octopussy! I musta seen that film, uh, twice.

It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes.
Sideshow Bob

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Sideshow Bob

Burns : Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers : There’s no maybe about it, sir.
Burns : Excellent.

I'm an old man. I hate everything except 'Matlock'. Ooh! that's on now!"
Abe Simpson

"You've already done enough, Nader"
Burns to Ralph Nader at the Springfield Republican Headquarters.

[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : But, Principal Skinner, you're just stealing!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!

Good drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat!

Computer, kill Flanders.

What's an email?

Some people might think your work is silly or meaningless, but, I, for one, want to thank you for all of your hard work.

Sorry I was not listening. I was lost in your eyes. [to Jesse Grass, the environmental activist].

Homer : Marge, she's going to narc on our stash.
Marge : We don't HAVE a stash.
Homer : No, of course not.

Homer : Now Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're going to be lonely.
Marge : Oh Homer, I could never remarry.
Homer : Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch as a constant reminder of our marital oath. [Homer Triple Bypass]

Don't make me come up there! [to Rev.Lovejoy at his very long sermon on Sunday].

76.2?! ? I'm already 38.1! I've wasted half my life!

You mean grease is money?!? Woo hoo! my arteries are filled with yellow gold!

My God! you're greasy! [to a teenager working at Krusty Burger]

God, I know you're busy ... you know watching women changing clothes and all ... [praying for his 'grease' business]

Hurry up, I cannot be jabbing you. [poking the bagboy with a bread stick at the grocery store]

Vow! it just rolled over to 10,000! [in Africa, photographing the odometer instead of the sceneries].

Bart : Hey, this monkey can lead us to some bananas.
Homer : Or more mouth-watering monkeys. [in Africa, looking for food]

Oh man! it feels good to get out of that car! ... Woo Hoo! Go Karts!!!

Lisa : Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet?
Homer : No it messes up my hair.

Marge : And punish Lisa for lying to us.
Homer : Okay, you young lady, now run to Kwik-E-mart and get me some chips and beer ... and get something for yourself, sweetheart.

[Bart in the tree house tending to the eggs of a bird he killed with a BB gun
Marge : What do you think he's doing up there?
Homer : I don't know, drug lab ?

[The family is watching the hatching of the eggs]
Homer : Oh man! this is the most exciting thing I've seen since that Haley comet collided with the moon.
Lisa : It never happened.
Homer : Sure it did.

[still waiting for the eggs to hatch].
Homer : Why is it taking so long? Bart was born in 5 minutes.
Marge : It took 53 hours!
Homer : Really? The time just flew by, didn't it?

[Homer the hippie]
Woman : Oh Homer! how do you keep your hair so thick and lustrous?
Homer : Lather-Rinse-Repeat. Always Repeat.

Come on, Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing! [Homer, the hippie is lying naked in the backyard]

[Homer at the sci-fi convention]
Mark Hamill : Who are you?
Homer : Homer Simpson, nerd-buster.

Forget Maggi, she's gone.

It's an honor guarding your body, sir. [to mayor Quimby].

I ordered 'double double burger' and they gave me 'double double double double burger'.

Oh sure, the mayor takes some bribes, but he also makes trains run on time.

Awh! the corpse is climbing the stairs!

[to Mark Hamill]
You're luminous, magnetic and incodescent (?).

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Rev.Lovejoy. This "saint" Flanders is as crooked as you and me. [Ned Flanders using senior citizen's card at the car wash].

He he, buffaloes are easy to kill.

Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver!

Corgan : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Homer : You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
Corgan : Well, we try to make a difference .

We got a little rule back home : if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.

Really? Me too! But I got kicked out 'cause of my views of Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors. [out of high school].

Bart : Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer : [checking] Nope.
Bart : What religion are you?
Homer : You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh ... Christianity.

[Homer joins the Naval Reserve]
Bart : Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
Homer : No.
Bart : But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!
Homer : Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
Marge : Homer!
Homer : But only if you're good! [to Bart] Even if you're not.

One Two Better Not Sue! [Homer, the chiropractor].

Oh! my spino cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can.

Man : There is no air in the outer space.
Homer : There's air in the space museum.

Hey, I thought real doctors hated chiropractors.

It's not trash can, son. It's Homer Simpson's spino cylinder!

Can you look even more pathetic? [conmen Homer and Bart]

Colgate Cavity Patrol!?!

I told you my memory is fuzzy ... FUZZY! [conman Homer in court].

You listen, Smash, we're not signing anything unless it's a contract.

Bart : Mom, my lifelong dream is to become a rock star!
Homer : And my lifelong dream is to get rid of Bart. How_many_ lives do you have to ruin?

Lisa : What does it mean? [some song on TV]
Homer : It doesn't mean anything - like ling-ding-aling or give peace a chance.

Homer : [from croud] Hey, Flanders! You're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge : He's the only coach this team has ever had... and the season hasn't even started yet!
Homer : Yeah, well ... he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge : You know, Homer, its very easy to criticize.
Homer : Fun, too.

Marge : Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer : Marge, you can stand there finding faults or you can knit me some seatbelts.

New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!

Oh, all right. But not a minute later cause when the sun goes down all the weirdos turn crazy. [Homer in New York City]

Homer : Ah ha! I've got it! Brain, how can I ever thank you?
Homer's Brain : Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.
[Homer gets out of his car, bumping his head on the way out] Sorry.

Man : Warning : tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer : See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Homer : Heh heh heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man : With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer : In theory, yes. [sotto voce] Jerk.

Homer : God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned : Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick --
Homer : [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?

It's just a legal thing ... to protect me. [adding Marge's name to 'Uncle Homer's Day Care Center].

You da man, Carl. I bet you can fly. [at the basketball game].

Miss work? But my life will be nothing without my nuclear plant! [after the basketball injury].

[a bored Homer with basketball injury at home tries to mate his cat and dog by putting them in a sack and shaking it].
Good ... we'll have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!

Okay, I'm going to come back with a perfect gift a husband can give his wife ... an annulment from his secret marriage. [annulment of Homer's Las Vegas marriage to a "floozie"].

Awh! a sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.

Homer : Homer Simp, I mean Max Power.
Woman : Nice name.
Homer : Isn't it? I got it from a hair dryer.

... And I've counted the pennies in the ash tray. [to the valet parking attendent]

... Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch.

Oh! I thought it would be cool to be on Springfield's 'A' list. But these people are NUTS!

[Homer is trying to escape from a group of hippos]
Does anything from the movies actually work?

Awh! good old govt !

Lisa : I just want to study!
Homer : That's not fun.
Lisa : It is to me!
Homer : No, it's not.

They like me because I'm brave! [at the slaughterhouse].

Must eat meat ... Must defeat the man I just met. [steak-eating contest at the slaughterhouse].

Hey, this man is not breathing. Don't people usually breathe?

[the dead trucker at the steak-eating contest].
He called me greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It's a thing we had.

Awh! open road!

Look son, it's one of nature's most beautiful sights ... a convoy!

Le Grill!?! What the hell is that? [Homer building a backyard barbeque].

Finally I found something that people worship me for screwing up. That feels pretty good. [Homer's screwed up barbeque seen as an "outsider's art"].

A mascot contest?!? I can win THAT! ... [sotto voice] ... unless one of you jinxes me. [for the Olympics at Springfield].

[Homer is trying for mascots]
Lisa : You paper mached my cat?!?
Homer : Only for a protocol, honey.

Ooh! a technical wonder!!! Ooh! got an itch. [scratches his butt]

Burns : ... I want to be loved.
Homer : ... Well ... I need a beer.

White people have names like Lenny and black people have names like Carl. He he he. [some "jokes" for Burns]

Can you believe I'm size 4?!? [Homer in Scotland wearing a kilt].

Larry Flynt is right. You guys stink. [MENSA Springfield chapter running the city].

Lisa : Hey, according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.
Homer : According to THEIR standard. But we live in America! [at the 33-cent store - eats that stuff and turns purple instantly].

Marge : Looks like the christmas tree saved you.
Homer : And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April. [Homer hiding from an accepted-duel-challange].

Come on Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum.

[Homer the food critic]
Marge : You know the letter 'e' doesn't work on that typewriter.
Homer : We don't need no stinkin' e. [for his food critic report]

Can you believe this, Marge? They're paying me to eat!

[Lisa writes the food critic reports]
Welcome to the humiliating world of Professional Writing!

Are you going to fire me for swiping off the supplies? [from his food critic job].

Homer : You should always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa : But Dad, what if ...
Homer : Always.

Your cooking has only two moves ... Shake ... ... and ... ... bake. [makes gestures]

Marge, your porkchops today get the lowest rating from me - only 7 thumbs up!

Lisa : What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?
Bart : Me. I smell a museum.
Homer : Yeah, good things don't end with eum. They end with mania. Or teria!

Bart : Hey, I'm going to go toss the virtual salad!
Lisa : I'm gonna read the giant book!
Homer : I'm going to try the sex education computer!

[Homer trying the sex education computer]
Homer : Aah! Eh! Ovulate, damn you! Ovulate!
Voice : You are out of sperm.

Marge : All right, all right, now, you're over stimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then it's right to bed.
Homer : Woo hoo! [running] Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed!

[picking an answering machine]
Hi, this is Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show-me-the-message!!!

Overdue book!?!? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ ... wait a minute ... the Bronco ... the cuts on his fingers ... those Jay Leno monologues ... HE DID IT!!!

He he he ... Trojans.

[Homer as Odysseus]
Aw! I must be wasted ... because that cloud looks like it is mad at me.

[Lisa as Joan of Arc]
This one takes place in the make-believe kingdom of France.

Victory!?!? We're FRENCH! We don't even have a word for it.

[Bart as Hamlet]
Bart : Does he get to marry his mom?
Homer : I don't know. That would be hot.

[Homer is Hamlet's father and returns as ghost]
It's cold outside. I need a sweater ... [sotto voice] A ... S.W.E.A.T.E.R.

Son, it's not only a great play ... it also became a great movie. It's called 'Ghost Busters'.

[Family is watching 'Itchy and Scratchy].
Bart : Cloning is a troubling issue.
Homer : Especially where the mouse kills the cat.

Get her! She's throwing something. [Marge]

Leprosy!?! I can't believe it! The fortune cookie was right! [Lisa playing a trick on Homer and Bart]

[Homer the biker]
Homer : A gang! That is the answer!
Lisa : Answer to what?
Homer : Don't make me hazzle you, Lisa.

Bill ... bill ... Awh! lliB! [turns the envelope] ... Oh Bill.

[a glue bucket stuck on Homer's head]
Marge : I tried some butter, but your father keeps eating it.
Homer : Couldn't you try some non-delicious butter?

[The glue bucket is removed by Bart, the miracle worker]
I see the light ... and it burns.

Yeah, you went to a cow college. [to Carl]

Lisa : Do you have any food that was not brutally slaughtered?
Homer : I have some steak here which died of lonliness.

Why won't anyone give ME an award?

[Homer drags a statue from the award ceremony]
Marge : That's not an award. It's part of the set.
Homer : Nothing you say will diminish this honor.

I stand by my disappointed growl.

Homer : See Marge, they could deep-fry my shirt.
Marge : I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't.

[Homer gets a horse]
Now let's see in this book of rules whether a horse can play in the NFL ... [checks] ... Awh!

Tomorrow in the race, other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies.

But you're respected athletes. You can own car dealerships and marry beauty queens! [to horse jockeys]

Oh! that's great. Chicks really dig sensitivity. [cheering Ned after his wife's death]

[PBS pledge debacle]
I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.

Save me, Jeebus.

Jeebus, where are you?

I want Jeebus.

Greg and Amy ... Greg and Amy ... why don't you marry Greg and Amy? [to the islanders on his "missionary"]

['Funny Family' - behind 'The Simpsons']
Then we found out that we can park them in front of TV! I was raised that way and I turned out TV!

And that horrible act of child abuse became a running gag. [strangling Bart]

That was the best Thanks-giving ever. Emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now.

[whispers to Becky, Otto's fiance, who was left at the alter for a heavy-metal band]
In about 15 minutes, you'll have to take that wedding dress off or else you'll look crazy.

Hey Flanders, can your god do that? [blowing fire from a statue's mouth, which later catches fire]

They called you pig, Sheriff. [in Florida]

Okay, be nerds. I'll find some people who will know the meaning of the two words 'par' 'te'.

Mr.Burns has a mother!?! She must be 100-million years old!

[Homer is jealous of Buck, the cowboy showing his movies]
Well, I broke a chair today. I didn't make a movie about it.

Hey nothing wrong with a little hey hey [Buck throws his drink and Playboy Magzine]

[Homer at work]
The chair goes round ... the chair goes round ... the chair goes round ...

Frank Grimes, the new guy : I don't think I'm paid to sleep.
Homer [fist action] : Oh Yeah, they're always trying to screw you!

Frank Grimes : How could you afford all this?
Homer : I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Oh! do I sound like that? I don't like having such a hilarious voice. [on tape]

You can't just kill off a plastic TV character! [Poochie, the dog with Homer's voice]

I've always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.

Okay, okay, I'll find you when I'm ready to stop having fun. [at the chili contest].

sunrise ... sunset ... sunrise ... sunset ... sunrise ... sunset ...
Note to self : Stop doing ANYTHING.

[At Stoner's Pot Place - crystalware]
Homer : We can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
Marge : May be we can use it once and return it.
Homer : What do you think it is, a toothbrush?

[Burns' son Larry is hitch-hiking with a sign 'springfield]
Homer : Can't they get a post for that sign?
Bart : That's a hitch-hiker.

[Larry kidnapping scheme]
Marge, you've been reading too many hide-out novels.

You su-diddly-uck, Flanders.

Saxamaphone ... Saxamaphone .. . Saxamaphone ...

Homer, how hardly I knew me! [Homer's autobiography]

[at the duff festival]
Go Moe! Boo everybodyelse!

[a face-lifted Moe]
Homer : Are you going to get even with that guy that never picks our lottery numbers?

['Lincoln's gold at the White House - is a note]
"The gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American."
Homer : Awh! crap!

[at the movie theater with many previews]
He he he ... I'm laughing .. . he he he ... but it's the laugh of impatience.

[a group at the door in the Bart at burlesque house]
Oh! this is not going to be about Jesus, is it?

[Homer thinks Bart is gay]
(to Marge) It's all your fault. Why do you have to be so feminine around him?

Name one gay Indian.

Oh! I'm having chestpain ... Where is the defribillator? ... Awh! this thing pays for itself!

Ooh! ... I almost fainted ... but then I didn't.

[lying on the couch]
Homer : I love these lazy Saturdays!
Marge : Today is Wednesday !
Homer : Awh! Work!

[lying on the couch]
I love these real Saturdays. So relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday which almost got me fired.

Vow! you sold a house AND got rid of the Flanders. [Marge, the real-estate agent]

[Homer makes Ned to quit as peewee football coach by constant heckling and becomes the coach himself]
Ned : Well ... good luck, Homer. No hard feelings.
Homer : Now you know it's not so easy to keep your mouth shut, eh, Flanders?

[Homer, the peewee football coach, after a gymnastics flashback]
From now on I'll be kinder to my son and meaner to my Dad.

Well ... 2 bucks ... only transports matter ... mmm ... well ... I'll give you 35 cents.

Sorry, this is a highly sophistimicated machine.

What do you like Lisa? violamin? tubaba?
Lisa : I want THAT.
Homer : Saxamaphone?

Watching all this stomach surgery has made me hungry. Marge , we need 5000 ccs. of snacks.

My hair is who I am. [at the Naval Reserve]

Mooching war widows! [proposition 305]

This world sucks!

My icecream sandwich!?! Then where the hell is my remote???

*** Internet - better than TV.com]

*** It may be on a lousy channel, but 'The Simpsons' is on TV!

ALL RIGHT!!! My bumper fell off!!!

God, why do you mock me?

Ooh! he must be a 100-feet tall!

Don't worry head. The computer will do all the thinking from now on.

I want my answers now or I want them eventually.

Oh, I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. There must be a way of here.

Vow! the soaked odors of a million meals! [baking soda in the fridge]

Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first life-time banning.

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumbass army guy.

They don't call em ... because I'm morbidly obese.

There's comes a time in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.

New Springfield Rocks!!! [new areacode 939]

Bart : Dad, I don't think it's a good idea.
Homer : Thank you, MARGE!!!

Those rich snobby Indians !

Krusty : Will you take on the Mob?
Homer : For a casual aquaintance like you? Absolutely!

Badger, my ass! It's probably Milhouse. [Badger, the bad dog]

939?!?! What the hell is that? Oh! my life is ruined. [areacode change from 636 to 939 for New Springfield]

Hahaha! Joan Collins ? That girl

[the big brother episode]
Homer : Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart : Father-son picnic.
Homer : Okay, have a good time. ... [thinks] ... Wait a minute.

[Homer gets his own "son" to avenge Bart]
Homer : And I press this button and the door opens like magic.
[the garage door gets stuck]
Peppi : Why is it stuck?
Homer : [kicking the door] Because it's a stupid piece of junk.

Peppi : Peppi.

Bart : Homer, where is my skate?
Homer : I gave it to Peppi.
Bart : Who the hell is Peppi?
Homer : He is my little brother. You're not the only one who can use a non-profit organization.

Big Brother to Bart : Bart, you should not talk to strangers.
Homer : For your information, I am his father.
Big Bro : That drunken gambler?
Homer : [smiling] ... yeah and who might YOU be?

He he he ... a grisly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a ...

[at the Monopoly game]
Bart : You seem to be a little light there, Homer.
Homer : Come on, Bart, you know I'm good for it.
Bart : I would like to trust you Dad, but you've been to jail 3 times.

Homer : This is a bar. This is where I come to drink alcohol which is equivalent to your ...
Gabriel : Homer, I am NOT an angel.
Homer : Pfft ... not with THAT temper.

Cooperate? This is one family that does not swing that way.

Liquor drunkens me.

Sitting on the bed, eh?

Marge, we never ever made whoopie, not even mouth whoopie. [about his marriage to a girl in Las Vegas, who suddenly shows up at his house].

You can't kick me out, Marge. It will cause a miscount in the census. A miscount in the census, Marge.

Of all the things that I've done to come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst. [the Las Vegas girl Homer married showing up at his house].

Marge : Come on inside. We can talk.
Homer : About what? sports? bigamy?

There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.

Your father traded our tools for M&Ms again
- Marge

Screw this. I am converting. O! You Almighty Re!
[Millhouse in the Adam-Eve episode - exodus].

I don't need anyone to tell me what to think ... anyone LIVING.
Ned Flanders

You're not as stupid as you look, or sound as our best testing indicates.
Burns

Marge : Mmm ... sugar-free donut!
Apu : No , it's sugar, wheat-free donut.

You should listen to your heart and not to the voices in your head.
Marge to Bart

We can't afford to shop in any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV.
Marge

So many previews! So many previews! So many previews!

[at the gay pride parade].
Hey, look at those abs. They all have six packs. All I have is a keg. [looks at his tummy].

My mouth ... my beautiful mouth.

[Homer's jaws wired shut for medical reasons].
[thinks] Marge thinks Ned Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.

[thinks] Oh! Bart has feelings! he he he ... he's a cutie!

[at the bar] You'd be surprised how much you can learn if you listen once in a while.

For you ... I'll be as dull as Dilbert(?)

Marge : Now he's taking everything to heart.
Homer : As much as humanly possible.

Homer : I'm going to bed.
Marge : It's only 7:30!
Homer : Marge, I can stand here and argue with you all day. Then I'll have to get another glass of milk.

[million dollar episode]
Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge!

He he he ... unguarded breakfast, the sweetest of them all.

Hey Marge, he's the guy who couldn't get any of you. [Arty, the inventor].

Spill it, moneybag.

[Arty asks for a weekend with Marge for a million dollars].
A MILLION DOLLARS!!! ... wait a minute ... how much sex will be involved ?

Marge : I like the other noises you make in bed. [to a snoring Homer].
Homer : One squeaking, creaking symphony coming up.

Okay Arty, you can have her for the weekend. But NO funny stuff. Funny stuff includes holding hands, googoo eyes, ...

[Homer at Moe's after sending Marge with Arty for the weekend]
I didn't sell her. I just granted her to an old boy friend. You think she'll fall for that guy even after I bought her that hockey tape?

[at the fake prom at Arty's]
Guard : Have you been drinking?
Homer : Only for 25 years.

[at Moe's again]
Guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kiss a far superior man.

[leaves a video tape for Marge]
Marge, if you are watching this, that means I've got this camera working.

[at the oil field, working there with Lenny]
This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

[Arty admits defeat and leaves]
Arty, you saved my life ... now I believe there's a little business of a million dollars.
Marge : You can't take his money.
Homer : I can't take HIS money. I can't bring my OWN money. I've to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

Lisa : Springfield Prep School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
Homer : Knowing them will only want you to go here.

[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : You're stealing!!!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!

Aucitoneer : This 100 dollars goes to Ned Flanders .
Homer : AWH!
Ned : This goes straight to the orphanage.
Homer : AWH!

[Lisa doesn't want to get away from the private school].
Homer : Don't worry Honey. You cannot go here now. But when it's time for you to go to college, my daughter will go to the finest college ... ... in South Carolina!

[Advising Bart about girls]
Homer : Don't give them any nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar ... and always get receipt ... makes you look like a business guy.

Aw! I sat on something sharp ... He he he I have a foil on my ass.

[to go to Canada]
Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Guard : But we are closing in 5 minutes.
Homer : Will an American dollar change your mind?
Guard : Ooh! American currency! What time would you like your breakfast served, sir?

[Advising Bart on girls, again]
Homer : Look boy, nobody likes a quitter. So, go back there and win her back.
Bart : But she's not coming back.
Homer : Oh! I quit. There is no convincing you. I give up. I want to go to sleep. [falls down and sleeps].

Marge : Your father is dead.
Homer : [crying] Awh! ... and he never lived to be a vegetable.

Sure I said I loved him [his father]. But I never said I was in love with him.

[Abe wants to drive again against Homer's wishes]
Abe : What about your DUI?
Homer : That was DWI.

... and another thing ... NOooo Death Racing!

Marge : First he wrecks your car. Then he steals my car. Your father is out of control.
Homer : Oh Sure, when he does something bad, he is MY father!

Sherman : You must be the man who didn't know whether it was a blister or a boil.
Homer : It was a gummy bear.

Oh yeah! I won the belching contest at work. [belches to Sherman who shows his film award]

Okay I am not smart like that Sherman guy. But does he know all the words to the Oscar Meyer song?

And that's what I call a moon shot!

[There is an unrecognized call to Brazil on the phone bill]
Which phone company? There are hundreds of them! They all keep changing their names ... awhh [sobs].

Phone co. rep : I'll cut off your service.
Homer : I'll cut off your pony tail.
[then whispers to Marge : That's called negotiating.]

I told you I have too much time on my hands!

[Lisa admits to making that Brazil call]
Marge : But you're the good one.
Homer : The one we both like.

Don't you know that the little boys from Brazil are Hitlers? I saw that in a movie, whose name I can't remember.

[Marge is impressed with the Brazilian kid in the photos]
Marge : Can we have another kid?
Homer : No way. I haven't lost the weight I put on on the last one.

The Simpsons are going to Antarctica ... next year! This year we're going to Brazil!

Wait wait ... In August it is cold! In February, it is hot?!?

[a giant statue of Jesus in Brazil]
VOW! it's like he is on the dashboard of the entire country!

Ooh! they look like skittles! [color rats in Brazil]

Make me a drink with all your Brazilian fruits mixed together. [drinks it] ... Sweet! Sweet!! ... awh ... sweet ... sweet ... [licks mud]

[Homer and Bart get into an "unlicensed taxi" in Brazil]
Cabby : Americans! I'm afraid this is a kidnapping.
Homer : Ooh! then I don't have to pay the fare!

I have the bladder the size of a Brazil nut. [to his kidnappers]

I don't know. They've been seeing a lot of me for free. [to call his family for ransom]

[calls Flanders after calling Moe and Burns]
Homer : Flanders, I need 100,000 dollars.
Ned : I really don't have that kind of money. But if you need it so badly, you'll be in my prayers.
Homer : Go suck a Bible.

Eh, same old garbage. [Marge's dinner].

Isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?

[Homer is on medical marijuana]
Ned : Homer, it's me, Ned.
Homer : Yeah right, the God dude.

... or you just rented 'Matrix', medical marijuana can make all things fabulous.

I could blow smoke in the president's stupid monkey face and all he could do is groove on it!

No cold turkey is as delicious as it sounds. [quitting medical marijuana].

This dope can ANYTHING seem funny ... even that show that comes after 'Friends'.

He's [Bill Clinton] a Jimmy Carter with a fox attitude.

Mr.Burns has left the building.

Then the day came that changes everything for a couple ... the day we got our elephant ...

[At the Friars Club roasting Homer as the 'Man of the Hour']
Homer : Do the proceeds go to any charity?
Krusty : Hell No.
Homer : WOO HOO!

Eh! that was at MY expense. What kind of a roast is this?

Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ...

Le Grille? what the hell is that?
The more you rock, the angrier I get.

I'm a rageaholic. I cannot live without a rageahol.

Lisa : The first step to cure is admitting that that you have a problem.
Homer : Is it also the last step?
Lisa : No, quitting is the last step.
Homer : Awh ... [sobs].

Yeah he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. [David Schwimmer]

Well, I'm not Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty good impression of Columbo. [to his superior at the naval reserve].

What's an email?

Well, a paperweight will be nice. But what I really need is a computer.

Computer, kill Flanders.

Oh! dancing Jesus!

Finally I did it. I changed the world. Now I know how God feels.

Marge : I'm glad you won a Pulitzer prize.
Homer : FINALLY!!!

I don't know anything. At least I don't think so.

I'm not a number. I'm a man. No ... wait ... I'm number 5! In your face, number 6!

Who are you and why am I here? I want the answers NOW or I'll want them eventually.

That lousy pothole!

Space Coyote : You've to learn a lesson.
Homer : If you're talking about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.

In your face, space coyote!

[the tough judge episode]
I LOVE our court dates.

Judge : Don't spit on my cupcake and call it frosting, boy.
Homer : [excited] ... What did she say about cupcakes?

Prison guard : Sir, you're not size 4.
Homer : I used to be ... hu hu ...[cries]

Don't you have any court-appointed baby sitter or "au pair"

[to a tethered Bart, at the softball game]
Block out everything but the sound of my criticism.

Bart : I am cold and scared.
Homer : That's my sucker!

Bart : Dad, I've to go to the bathroom.
Homer : I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. Why do we even have a bottle? Somebody tell me.

Judge : First admit that you're bad parents.
Homer : I admit.
[Marge protests the charge to the judge]
Homer : Your honor, could I be tried separately?

[Homer and Bart are still tethered together by the court order]
Marge : I can't do that in front of our kid.
Homer : Marge, kids are very visual these days.

Hey, may be I should be a milkman!

She lives in a HOUSE BOAT?!? She's so cool!

[Homer and Marge sneak into the judge's boat house and hang a sign 'BIG MEANIE' and get caught]
[peeking in the window] ... Look at her in there ... watching her body!

[judge's boat house is destroyed]
That quilt was made by my grand mother!
Homer : Mmm ... then it cost you nothing.

Time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.

[Homer and Marge are punished by the judge]
We can be free of these if you just admit you're a bad mother. You don't even have to say 'bad', you can be negligent or ... or 'drugged up'.

Marge : Homer, I think you should help Lisa with her science project.
Homer : Yeah, syrup is better than jelly. [eating his breakfast].

I've learn to think a lot faster.

Did I think that loudly?

The man never drank a duff in his life. [responding to a Nixon ad for duff in 1960].

Driving School class : Here's a fellow. They're peeling him off the sidewalk.
Homer : He he he. It's funny because I don't know that guy. [driver ed class after a DWI arrest].

My name is Homer. I am here because the court made me come. [AA meeting].

Marge : Do you ever drink alone?
Homer : Does God count as a person?
Marge : No.
Homer : Then yes.

Well beer, we had some great times. [sings 'When I was seventeen'].

Homer's brain : Don't think about beer.
[sees a 'Alcohol-fuelled car' sign and imagines pumping gas]
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

One down and 29 to go. [giving up alcohol for a month].

TV, have you turned on me too? [beer commercials].

But Marge, the guys at Moe's will be expecting me. Moe, Barney and that guy that calls me Bill.

[Homer and Bart are watching an Swazzeneger movie on TV].
Bart : That's one evil man.
Homer : That's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.

Marge : Mmm Homey, you're the union leader. I'm so proud of you.
Lisa : Finally you get to share the fair share of the working force.
Homer : And make life-long contacts with organized crime. ... mmm organized crime.

Homer : I don't know why I was elected as the union leader in the first place.
Marge : That's because they all like you.
Homer : Yeah, they are always patting my head for good luck and tickling my tummy to hear my girlish laughter.
Marge : That doesn't sound like they like you.
Homer : Yeah. The first thing I'll do tomorrow is to punch Lenny at the back of his head. [the next day he does when Lenny is drinking coffee].

Homer : Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa : I learned that 8 ounces make a pint.
Bart : I got expelled.
Homer : That's my boy ... [drinking beer] ... mmm ... beer ... [thinks] ... WHAT???

Marge, forget him. He is 10 years old. Let's focus all our energy on Lisa and the other one. Lisa, what's your problem?

TV : GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!
Bart : Vow!!! Dad, what's a gabbo?
Homer : Some guy's name? A guy named Gabbo???

Teacher : The exams will consist of 50 questions - true or false ...
Homer : True.
Teacher : Homer, I am just describing the exam.
Homer : True.

Oh! what a noble visionary thought of the April Fools Day!

Homer : ... and then came the story of the April fool.
Lisa : Dad, I was telling the story.
Homer : Oh, yeah.

No no no no ... beer bring pain. [Homer in the hospital because of Bart's April fool prank].

[PBS pledge episode]
Bart :You're watching PBS?
Homer : Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I stumbled across the most delicious British sitcom.

PBS TV : Folks, we've just reached our goal of ten thousand, seven hundred dollars, and it's all thanks to one generous caller ... who didn't leave his name.
Homer : [laughs]
PBS TV : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace. [a picture of Homer appears on the screen. He screams]
Homer : Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?

Lisa : Mom, Dad's on PBS!
Marge : Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they?
Homer : [on TV] Um, it's an honor to give ten thousand dollars. Especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
Marge : From now on, one of us always stays home.

[Homer in a South Pacific island as missionary, hiding from PBS]
Marge : Homer, are you all right?
Homer : I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough .
Marge : You've only been gone two days.
Homer : Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.

Lisa, Jr. : Amy said that there are lots of religions. Which is the right one?
Homer : Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.
Ak : If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not? Ak just saying.
Homer : Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.

Ak : Why are you building chapel?
Homer : Because you're all terrible sinners.
Q'Toktok : Since when?
Homer : Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to hell.

[family in an electric car]
Marge : Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
Homer : Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too.

Uh, I'm sorry, but the car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now?

Homer : Mel Gibson is just a guy Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
Marge : Were you or Lenny ever named Sexiest Man Alive?
Homer : Hmmm, I'm not certain about Lenny ...

[Mel Gibson's version of the stirring speech Jimmy Stewart's character gave near the end of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer : Boring!
Marge : It's not boring. He's passionate about government.
Homer : At least the Jimmy Stewart version had the giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan.

Homer : Well, that was a stinker.
Marge : I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solved their problems with words instead of bullets and chasing.
Homer : Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend [Mel Gibson] was in it. I'll bet that you would have hated it if me and Lenny was Mr.Smith.

That's it! I'm telling Mr. Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of his movie. Hey, Gibson!

Milo : Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?
Homer : It was symbolism. He was mad.
Christian : But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like "Howard's End" or "Sophie's Choice."
Homer : Ugh. Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. [sotto voce] P. S. : Mission accomplished. [high-fives Gibson]

I am not popular enough to be different.

... with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog ...

My kids are sick of all my stories. Yours [Flanders] can't seem to get enough of me. [babysitting the Flanders kids]

Bart : I thought you were doing this [babysitting] only until your knee got better.
Homer : Then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa : What about us?
Homer : Don't worry, honey, you'll have kids of your own someday.

This valentine crap has gone too far. [angry about Apu's courting of his wife]

Baby, we got them now. They can't escape from the airport. [following Apu on valentine's day]

Homer : [to Burns] So, you want me to go to college.
Bart : Ha, barber or clown?
Homer : BART!!!

Oh, I hate that lousy dean.

But nerds are my mortal enemies!

But Marge, we college kids are upto no good.

Excuse me, little piggie ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight [keeps pulling the piggie's tail until the piggie bites him].

Is poopoo one word or two?

I'll draw a frownie face on my butt and pull down my pants. [for entertaining Burns on his birthday] .

Don't worry, he'll be ready for your aunt Selma's birthday. [ his bare butt for display].

Homer : But I am confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge : It's an ending. That's enough.

Aw! finally some quiet time to read some of my old favorites ... Honey-roasted peanuts ... ingredients ... peanut, artificial honey-roasting agents, salt ...

Aw! the last peanut! ... overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers!

[at the rafting trip - partners]
Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders

[stranded on the raft at sea]
See boy, your old man was right!, not Flanders. We are doomed. In your face, Flanders.

Ooh! there's something you don't see everyday in a toilet! [a pair of glasses - picks them from the bowl and wears them]

Lisa : Dad, you should not be wearing glasses not prescribed for you.
Homer : [looking at Bart] Lisa, just because you're 10-feet tall, it doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

[Legal gambling in Springfield]
Shshsh ... I am teaching the kid [Maggi] how to gamble.

[Marge gets adddicted to gambling ]
Lisa : There's nothing there for breakfast.
Homer : Lisa, you should learn to improvise ... cloves ... cold milk ... pie crust ...

Homer : Marge, you're spending too much time in the casino. I think you might have a problem.
Marge : I won 60 dollars last night .
Homer : Woohoo! 60 dollars! Problem solved.

Lisa : Mom hasn't made my geography costume yet.
Homer : Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just she has a career now. She's a slot jockey.

[the whole house is in disarray and Homer is running around with a revolver]
Marge : WHAT happened here?
Homer : A little incident involving the boogie man. This would not have happened if you had been here to prevent me from acting stupid.

Homer : Marge, I want you to admit that you have a gambling problem.
Marge : Yes, I have a problem. May be I should get some professional help.
Homer : It's too expensive. You just quit.

WOOHOO! for the first time in our marriage, I can look down my nose on you, because you have a GAMBLING problem!!! You remember the time you caught me stealing watches at Sears? That's nothing because you have a GAMBLING problem!

[Homer reading paper] Today's horoscope : 'Today will be like any other day.' ... Awh! it just gets worse and worse!.

What are you so happy about? You kids have to go to school. I have to go to work. The only one who got it easy here is your mom. [Marge is scrubbing the floor]

Yes son, when you are a musician, a job is called a gig.

[to form a neighborhood watch group to catch a cat burgler]
Homer : We don't need a thinker. We need a doer. Who will do anything without considering the consequences.
Crowd : Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!

[warning the kids about the cat burgler]
Marge : ... and don't take candy from strangers.
Homer : Marge! they are only human!

[Homer is in charge of the vigilante group]
You know, push people around, make ourselves look big.

Homer : Hey, where did you get that jazz from?
Man : Sears.
Homer : GET HIM!

[Homer singing] I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar You are the cat burglar.

Dad, I love you, but you're a weird-headed old crank and nobody likes you.

The union code says everyone should win 'The worker of the week' award at least once, irrespective of gross incompetence, obesity or rank holding.

Homer : Hello, is this NASA?
Reply : Yes.
Homer : Good. Listen, I am sick of all your stupid space launches. I know I'm just a blue-collar slob ...
Reply : How did you get this number?
Homer : Shut up and another thing, how com I cannot get a glass of tang around here?

[NASA looking for that blue-collar slob who made the phone call and Homer initially points Barney and then recants]
Oh no, I made that phone call. I made it. I make prank calls all the time. Ask the FBI. They have a file on me. I have a file.

NASA officer : Well Homer, it looks like you are the winner by default.
Homer : Default? The two sweetest words in the English language. Dee Fault, dee fault, dee fault, dee fault ...

[Homer all "ready" to go to space]
Let's invade the White House and kill the president ... Gumbo.

The astronauts aboard the spaceship are communicating with singer James Taylor at the NASA center]
Homer [in the spaceship] : VOW! former president James Taylor!

Marge : Everybody pick a floor and start cleaning.
Homer : I call basement!
Bart & Lisa : Okay.
Homer (looks at the basement) : D'oh!

He [Bart] is taking the elephant instead of the money!

[Bart wins an elephant in a radio contest and Santa's little helper and Snowball feel left out and so perform some tricks]
Homer : Hey! what's with them?
Lisa : I think they are trying to get some attention.
Homer : Well, GOOD LUCK with that.

I have two questions : How much and give it to me. [selling the elephant].

Lousy job. Nothing interesting ever happens here.

[Homer, the human chimney sweeper]
This may be a dirty job, but the guys at the top are working even harder. [Burns is shirtless, watching TV, eating chips]

[Burns chooses Bart to be his heir]
Marge : Are you thinking what I am thinking
Homer : Yeah, let's push him down the steps.

[Bart is to go to Burns' mansion and live with him]
Homer : Aw! Bart gets to do that. How come I cannot be lurking near the bushes outside chef Boyardee's house?

[Bart is throwing peas at Lisa]
Marge : Homer, say something.
Homer : Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

[Bart is being deprogrammed after Burns programs him to stay with him as his heir]
Deprogramming Officer : But I got Paul McCartney out of that group(?)
Homer : You idiot! he was the most talented one.

[another deprogrammed man arrives at Homer's house and Homer kisses him over and over]
Marge : Homer, that's not Bart.
Homer : Can we keep him anyway?

Hey the trail of donuts has ended.

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. [kissing the deprogrammed guy]

Sure they [Shelbyville] could have got back at me for spiking their water supply, but they have no guts.

An athlete : Ned Flanders here showed me that there is more to playing football and sleeping with ligerie models.
Homer [murmuring] : Professional athletes! always wanting more.

Now I have four children. You, I'll call 'Stitchface'. [an autographed football given to Homer]

They don't call me 'Springfield Big Fat' because I am morbidly obese.

[to Flanders] I got to know your family. I want you to get to know my family. [and brings Ned Flanders to Moe's]

Ned : Haideho, neighbors!
Homer : Get lost, Flanders.
Ned : Odiely Doodly.

[The extra-absorbant paper towel guy]
Signed photo? Marge hasn't asked for my signed photo in months! I'll show her.

[Homer tricks Marge into believing that the paper towel guy is coming to dinner and arranges for Barney to show up]
Lisa : That was a cruel joke you played. You hurt mom's feelings.
Homer : What about me? It was hard on me too. I had to wear a suit.

[Homer is hypnotised at a show]
I am in your power. Boss me around.

It was one of those lazy summer days you would think would last forever. [Homer recalling some traumatic event at age 12]

It's [the traumatic event at age 12] is responsible for all the things that are wrong in my life ... my occassional over-eating, my fear of corpses ...

[The family goes to the quarry to find the corpse Homer spotted when he was 12]
Marge : It's the body?
Homer : Someone has eaten the flesh.

[Burns shows a homevideo of Smithers Sr.'s unfortunate death]
Ooh! a movie! I call the couch.

Now the movie has turned into a play! [Smithers Jr. walks in at the end of the movie]

[Homer has Smithers Sr.'s skull in a box]
Marge : Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Smithers Jr.?
Homer : What's the point? He'll bury it anyway.

Homer : I am sick of this Tarzan movie.
Lisa : Dad, this is a documentary on the homeless.
Homer : Really.

[A vicious dog is stalking Bart]
Bart, sometimes dogs hate people for no reason.

It's not fair. This Buck fellow had all the breaks in life. Horse riding lessons, finest makeup ...

[Homer and Bart are watching Buck ...'s cowboy tricks]
Bart : That's a fancy shoot!
Homer : I've seen fancier.
Bart : He's drunk!
Homer : I've seen drunker.

Homer : Bart lost his hero tonight. I should be the happiest guy in the world. But why don't I feel so?
Marge : You care about Bart's feelings.
Homer : Stop saying that.

I'm not giving up on Buck. There must be some hair-brain half-ass way. [to save Buck from alcoholism]

Bart : Buck, you're my hero again.
Homer : Son, aren't you forgetting someone?
Bart : Then there is Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Kuchi(?), America's firefighters and then YOU, Dad.
Homer : And don't you forget it.

I can't let the boy see me skipping work. [disguises with a black comb as his mustache and passes Bart by]

Awh! jury duty! I'll see that Freddy Quimby hang for this.

I think Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free ... ... hotel! [Homer in the jury of Mayor Quimby trial]

You say I don't make money. I found a dollar when I was waiting for the bus.

Boy, we have hit the jackpot! White gold, Texas tea! [a truck load of sugar]

... and I am going to sell it directly to the consumer at a low low price of one dollar per pound. [stolen sugar]

They are somehow defending themselves. [Bees at the sugar pile]

This bar is like a tavern to me.

Shut up, liver!

[Marge's fear of flying episode]
Come on, Marge, it's an opportunity for you to clean up after us in a WHOLE NEW STATE!

Don't worry Marge, we don't need to go on a trip. We can wait for the killer bees to come to us.

[Marge becomes unhinged after a "plane" experience]
You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine. So behave.

[Mage sees a psychiatrist]
Homer : Ever since you've been seeing the psychiatrist, everything is about you. It's you you you. What about ME, Marge?
Marge : This is my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet.
Homer : See ... It's MY first session. I haven't opened MY mouth yet.

[Homer's suggestions for fortune cookie readings]
'You'll be aroused by a shampoo commercial.'
'The price of stamp will climb ever higher.'
'You'll find true love on Flag Day.'

Can I have my icecream? I finished my pizza.

Let go off her. Or I'll scream. [Burns' fiance from her old boy friend]

Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. [for shooting Mr.Burns]

Yeah, finally the good Lord has blessed me with a REAL family. [25 puppies of Santa's Little Helper]

"Puppets for free or Best Offer" - sign for the sale of Santa's Little Helper's puppies]

It must be the first of the month. It's Bill Board Day!!!

He he he ... clowns_are_funny.

Lisa : Vow! good aim, dad!
Homer : Thanks, it was my major. [Homer passing Clowns College degree].

[Homer impersonating Krusty, the clown]
He [Chief Wiggum] didn't give me the ticket. This is an intriguing development!

Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radio-active men?

At times like these, I wish I were a religious man. [comet toward Springfield]

Flanders, you're the only useless person here. If anybody should leave, it is you. [from Flanders' bomb shelter due to comet scare]

[Lisa is restless due to teachers' strike]
I know. This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

I've just had enough of your Vasser bashing, young lady .

Marge, the cop : You have the right to remain silent.
Homer : I choose to waive that right. Awh ... Awh ... [yells]

Homer : Marge, do you think I am intelligent?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say Yes? Am I stupid?
Marge : ... ... ... ... No ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say No? Were you humoring me?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! That is bad ...

Nonononono, guys ... I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruity".

[Home and Marge are asleep in bed when a loud banging awakens them, shaking the whole house.]
Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!

Stuck-up Riverdale punks ... think they're too good for me!

[looks at ballot information]
Hmm ... I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]

Marge : Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
Homer : Pffffft. Maps.

Homer : Marge, where's the Duff!?!
Marge : Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer : D'oh!
Marge : Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer : Don't toy with me, woman!

Ned : May the best man win.
Homer : 'May the best man win.' The mating call of the loser!

Marge : We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer : Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.

Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires?

Clerk : Five dollars, please. [car wash for Flanders]
Homer : Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price?
Clerk : Senior citizens' discount.
Homer : Pfft. Senior citizen? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me! That's right. It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How you ask? With a phony senior discount card!

Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life!

Ned : This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
Homer : Well, well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned : Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned : How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer : Wellisy, wellisy, wellisy ...
Ned : Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer : Let's do it.
Ned : So what about all this meat?
Homer : Ah, the missus will clean that up.

Homer : Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? Barney is April twentieth, same as Hitler's, so Marge must be fifty ... oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday?
Ned : Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
Homer : Seven, eh? [Homer places his chips on seven; the ball lands in the seven slot] Way to go, Flanders! The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?

Ned : How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, 'think'?
Homer : You mean Lisa?
Ned : Oh, no, I mean common sense.
Homer : Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol! You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
Ned : You threw it out the ...
Homer : Never mind, just pay attention. Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!

Ned : Look at this place. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing!
Homer : Welcome to my world.

Homer : Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam. Or possibly scamola! We would remember if we got married.
Amber : Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo!
Ginger : Take a look at this. [she hands Homer a video]
Homer : Aw, precious memories.

[Homer and Ned get married in Las Vegas to strangers]
Homer : But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
Ned : Ginger's my wife!
Homer : Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, sweetie.
Ned : Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets?
Homer : Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. [makes whip sound]

Homer : I don't know, Flanders, having two wives could have its advantages.
[Homer's imagination conjures up himself lying in a hammock while Marge and the cocktail waitress chop wood and dig a hole, respectively]
Homer : Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig ...
Marge : You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you ...
Homer : I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping! -- Um, yeah ... they could bring you a beer and a lemonade.

Oh, those awful women want their omelets.

Homer : All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts ...
Ned : What's the occasion?
Homer : Because we love them, jackass! Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart when suddenly, one hundred spaceships ...
Ned : Homer!
Homer : You're right, you're right, fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.
Ned : Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
Homer : Would you rather tell Maude the truth?
Ned : [sighs] What did the aliens look like?
Homer : Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well hello, little birdie!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep—in a blender.

Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!

You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin ' for some spankerin'.

Note to self. Stop doing anything.

Florida. That's America's wang.

If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.

Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.

Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.

If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.

Sooo, how's life in the gutter? [to a broke Burns].

'Hey! You know what I really like about you English? Octopussy! I musta seen that film, uh, twice.

It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes.
Sideshow Bob

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Sideshow Bob

Burns : Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers : There’s no maybe about it, sir.
Burns : Excellent.

I'm an old man. I hate everything except 'Matlock'. Ooh! that's on now!"
Abe Simpson

"You've already done enough, Nader"
Burns to Ralph Nader at the Springfield Republican Headquarters.

[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : But, Principal Skinner, you're just stealing!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!

Good drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat!

Computer, kill Flanders.

What's an email?

Some people might think your work is silly or meaningless, but, I, for one, want to thank you for all of your hard work.

Sorry I was not listening. I was lost in your eyes. [to Jesse Grass, the environmental activist].

Homer : Marge, she's going to narc on our stash.
Marge : We don't HAVE a stash.
Homer : No, of course not.

Homer : Now Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're going to be lonely.
Marge : Oh Homer, I could never remarry.
Homer : Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch as a constant reminder of our marital oath. [Homer Triple Bypass]

Don't make me come up there! [to Rev.Lovejoy at his very long sermon on Sunday].

76.2?! ? I'm already 38.1! I've wasted half my life!

You mean grease is money?!? Woo hoo! my arteries are filled with yellow gold!

My God! you're greasy! [to a teenager working at Krusty Burger]

God, I know you're busy ... you know watching women changing clothes and all ... [praying for his 'grease' business]

Hurry up, I cannot be jabbing you. [poking the bagboy with a bread stick at the grocery store]

Vow! it just rolled over to 10,000! [in Africa, photographing the odometer instead of the sceneries].

Bart : Hey, this monkey can lead us to some bananas.
Homer : Or more mouth-watering monkeys. [in Africa, looking for food]

Oh man! it feels good to get out of that car! ... Woo Hoo! Go Karts!!!

Lisa : Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet?
Homer : No it messes up my hair.

Marge : And punish Lisa for lying to us.
Homer : Okay, you young lady, now run to Kwik-E-mart and get me some chips and beer ... and get something for yourself, sweetheart.

[Bart in the tree house tending to the eggs of a bird he killed with a BB gun
Marge : What do you think he's doing up there?
Homer : I don't know, drug lab ?

[The family is watching the hatching of the eggs]
Homer : Oh man! this is the most exciting thing I've seen since that Haley comet collided with the moon.
Lisa : It never happened.
Homer : Sure it did.

[still waiting for the eggs to hatch].
Homer : Why is it taking so long? Bart was born in 5 minutes.
Marge : It took 53 hours!
Homer : Really? The time just flew by, didn't it?

[Homer the hippie]
Woman : Oh Homer! how do you keep your hair so thick and lustrous?
Homer : Lather-Rinse-Repeat. Always Repeat.

Come on, Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing! [Homer, the hippie is lying naked in the backyard]

[Homer at the sci-fi convention]
Mark Hamill : Who are you?
Homer : Homer Simpson, nerd-buster.

Forget Maggi, she's gone.

It's an honor guarding your body, sir. [to mayor Quimby].

I ordered 'double double burger' and they gave me 'double double double double burger'.

Oh sure, the mayor takes some bribes, but he also makes trains run on time.

Awh! the corpse is climbing the stairs!

[to Mark Hamill]
You're luminous, magnetic and incodescent (?).

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Rev.Lovejoy. This "saint" Flanders is as crooked as you and me. [Ned Flanders using senior citizen's card at the car wash].

He he, buffaloes are easy to kill.

Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver!

Corgan : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Homer : You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
Corgan : Well, we try to make a difference .

We got a little rule back home : if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.

Really? Me too! But I got kicked out 'cause of my views of Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors. [out of high school].

Bart : Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer : [checking] Nope.
Bart : What religion are you?
Homer : You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh ... Christianity.

[Homer joins the Naval Reserve]
Bart : Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
Homer : No.
Bart : But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!
Homer : Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
Marge : Homer!
Homer : But only if you're good! [to Bart] Even if you're not.

One Two Better Not Sue! [Homer, the chiropractor].

Oh! my spino cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can.

Man : There is no air in the outer space.
Homer : There's air in the space museum.

Hey, I thought real doctors hated chiropractors.

It's not trash can, son. It's Homer Simpson's spino cylinder!

Can you look even more pathetic? [conmen Homer and Bart]

Colgate Cavity Patrol!?!

I told you my memory is fuzzy ... FUZZY! [conman Homer in court].

You listen, Smash, we're not signing anything unless it's a contract.

Bart : Mom, my lifelong dream is to become a rock star!
Homer : And my lifelong dream is to get rid of Bart. How_many_ lives do you have to ruin?

Lisa : What does it mean? [some song on TV]
Homer : It doesn't mean anything - like ling-ding-aling or give peace a chance.

Homer : [from croud] Hey, Flanders! You're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge : He's the only coach this team has ever had... and the season hasn't even started yet!
Homer : Yeah, well ... he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge : You know, Homer, its very easy to criticize.
Homer : Fun, too.

Marge : Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer : Marge, you can stand there finding faults or you can knit me some seatbelts.

New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!

Oh, all right. But not a minute later cause when the sun goes down all the weirdos turn crazy. [Homer in New York City]

Homer : Ah ha! I've got it! Brain, how can I ever thank you?
Homer's Brain : Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.
[Homer gets out of his car, bumping his head on the way out] Sorry.

Man : Warning : tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer : See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Homer : Heh heh heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man : With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer : In theory, yes. [sotto voce] Jerk.

Homer : God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned : Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick --
Homer : [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?

It's just a legal thing ... to protect me. [adding Marge's name to 'Uncle Homer's Day Care Center].

You da man, Carl. I bet you can fly. [at the basketball game].

Miss work? But my life will be nothing without my nuclear plant! [after the basketball injury].

[a bored Homer with basketball injury at home tries to mate his cat and dog by putting them in a sack and shaking it].
Good ... we'll have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!

Okay, I'm going to come back with a perfect gift a husband can give his wife ... an annulment from his secret marriage. [annulment of Homer's Las Vegas marriage to a "floozie"].

Awh! a sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.

Homer : Homer Simp, I mean Max Power.
Woman : Nice name.
Homer : Isn't it? I got it from a hair dryer.

... And I've counted the pennies in the ash tray. [to the valet parking attendent]

... Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch.

Oh! I thought it would be cool to be on Springfield's 'A' list. But these people are NUTS!

[Homer is trying to escape from a group of hippos]
Does anything from the movies actually work?

Awh! good old govt !

Lisa : I just want to study!
Homer : That's not fun.
Lisa : It is to me!
Homer : No, it's not.

They like me because I'm brave! [at the slaughterhouse].

Must eat meat ... Must defeat the man I just met. [steak-eating contest at the slaughterhouse].

Hey, this man is not breathing. Don't people usually breathe?

[the dead trucker at the steak-eating contest].
He called me greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It's a thing we had.

Awh! open road!

Look son, it's one of nature's most beautiful sights ... a convoy!

Le Grill!?! What the hell is that? [Homer building a backyard barbeque].

Finally I found something that people worship me for screwing up. That feels pretty good. [Homer's screwed up barbeque seen as an "outsider's art"].

A mascot contest?!? I can win THAT! ... [sotto voice] ... unless one of you jinxes me. [for the Olympics at Springfield].

[Homer is trying for mascots]
Lisa : You paper mached my cat?!?
Homer : Only for a protocol, honey.

Ooh! a technical wonder!!! Ooh! got an itch. [scratches his butt]

Burns : ... I want to be loved.
Homer : ... Well ... I need a beer.

White people have names like Lenny and black people have names like Carl. He he he. [some "jokes" for Burns]

Can you believe I'm size 4?!? [Homer in Scotland wearing a kilt].

Larry Flynt is right. You guys stink. [MENSA Springfield chapter running the city].

Lisa : Hey, according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.
Homer : According to THEIR standard. But we live in America! [at the 33-cent store - eats that stuff and turns purple instantly].

Marge : Looks like the christmas tree saved you.
Homer : And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April. [Homer hiding from an accepted-duel-challange].

Come on Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum.

[Homer the food critic]
Marge : You know the letter 'e' doesn't work on that typewriter.
Homer : We don't need no stinkin' e. [for his food critic report]

Can you believe this, Marge? They're paying me to eat!

[Lisa writes the food critic reports]
Welcome to the humiliating world of Professional Writing!

Are you going to fire me for swiping off the supplies? [from his food critic job].

Homer : You should always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa : But Dad, what if ...
Homer : Always.

Your cooking has only two moves ... Shake ... ... and ... ... bake. [makes gestures]

Marge, your porkchops today get the lowest rating from me - only 7 thumbs up!

Lisa : What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?
Bart : Me. I smell a museum.
Homer : Yeah, good things don't end with eum. They end with mania. Or teria!

Bart : Hey, I'm going to go toss the virtual salad!
Lisa : I'm gonna read the giant book!
Homer : I'm going to try the sex education computer!

[Homer trying the sex education computer]
Homer : Aah! Eh! Ovulate, damn you! Ovulate!
Voice : You are out of sperm.

Marge : All right, all right, now, you're over stimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then it's right to bed.
Homer : Woo hoo! [running] Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed!

[picking an answering machine]
Hi, this is Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show-me-the-message!!!

Overdue book!?!? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ ... wait a minute ... the Bronco ... the cuts on his fingers ... those Jay Leno monologues ... HE DID IT!!!

He he he ... Trojans.

[Homer as Odysseus]
Aw! I must be wasted ... because that cloud looks like it is mad at me.

[Lisa as Joan of Arc]
This one takes place in the make-believe kingdom of France.

Victory!?!? We're FRENCH! We don't even have a word for it.

[Bart as Hamlet]
Bart : Does he get to marry his mom?
Homer : I don't know. That would be hot.

[Homer is Hamlet's father and returns as ghost]
It's cold outside. I need a sweater ... [sotto voice] A ... S.W.E.A.T.E.R.

Son, it's not only a great play ... it also became a great movie. It's called 'Ghost Busters'.

[Family is watching 'Itchy and Scratchy].
Bart : Cloning is a troubling issue.
Homer : Especially where the mouse kills the cat.

Get her! She's throwing something. [Marge]

Leprosy!?! I can't believe it! The fortune cookie was right! [Lisa playing a trick on Homer and Bart]

[Homer the biker]
Homer : A gang! That is the answer!
Lisa : Answer to what?
Homer : Don't make me hazzle you, Lisa.

Bill ... bill ... Awh! lliB! [turns the envelope] ... Oh Bill.

[a glue bucket stuck on Homer's head]
Marge : I tried some butter, but your father keeps eating it.
Homer : Couldn't you try some non-delicious butter?

[The glue bucket is removed by Bart, the miracle worker]
I see the light ... and it burns.

Yeah, you went to a cow college. [to Carl]

Lisa : Do you have any food that was not brutally slaughtered?
Homer : I have some steak here which died of lonliness.

Why won't anyone give ME an award?

[Homer drags a statue from the award ceremony]
Marge : That's not an award. It's part of the set.
Homer : Nothing you say will diminish this honor.

I stand by my disappointed growl.

Homer : See Marge, they could deep-fry my shirt.
Marge : I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't.

[Homer gets a horse]
Now let's see in this book of rules whether a horse can play in the NFL ... [checks] ... Awh!

Tomorrow in the race, other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies.

But you're respected athletes. You can own car dealerships and marry beauty queens! [to horse jockeys]

Oh! that's great. Chicks really dig sensitivity. [cheering Ned after his wife's death]

[PBS pledge debacle]
I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.

Save me, Jeebus.

Jeebus, where are you?

I want Jeebus.

Greg and Amy ... Greg and Amy ... why don't you marry Greg and Amy? [to the islanders on his "missionary"]

['Funny Family' - behind 'The Simpsons']
Then we found out that we can park them in front of TV! I was raised that way and I turned out TV!

And that horrible act of child abuse became a running gag. [strangling Bart]

That was the best Thanks-giving ever. Emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now.

[whispers to Becky, Otto's fiance, who was left at the alter for a heavy-metal band]
In about 15 minutes, you'll have to take that wedding dress off or else you'll look crazy.

Hey Flanders, can your god do that? [blowing fire from a statue's mouth, which later catches fire]

They called you pig, Sheriff. [in Florida]

Okay, be nerds. I'll find some people who will know the meaning of the two words 'par' 'te'.

Mr.Burns has a mother!?! She must be 100-million years old!

[Homer is jealous of Buck, the cowboy showing his movies]
Well, I broke a chair today. I didn't make a movie about it.

Hey nothing wrong with a little hey hey [Buck throws his drink and Playboy Magzine]

[Homer at work]
The chair goes round ... the chair goes round ... the chair goes round ...

Frank Grimes, the new guy : I don't think I'm paid to sleep.
Homer [fist action] : Oh Yeah, they're always trying to screw you!

Frank Grimes : How could you afford all this?
Homer : I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Oh! do I sound like that? I don't like having such a hilarious voice. [on tape]

You can't just kill off a plastic TV character! [Poochie, the dog with Homer's voice]

I've always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.

Okay, okay, I'll find you when I'm ready to stop having fun. [at the chili contest].

sunrise ... sunset ... sunrise ... sunset ... sunrise ... sunset ...
Note to self : Stop doing ANYTHING.

[At Stoner's Pot Place - crystalware]
Homer : We can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
Marge : May be we can use it once and return it.
Homer : What do you think it is, a toothbrush?

[Burns' son Larry is hitch-hiking with a sign 'springfield]
Homer : Can't they get a post for that sign?
Bart : That's a hitch-hiker.

[Larry kidnapping scheme]
Marge, you've been reading too many hide-out novels.

You su-diddly-uck, Flanders.

Saxamaphone ... Saxamaphone .. . Saxamaphone ...

Homer, how hardly I knew me! [Homer's autobiography]

[at the duff festival]
Go Moe! Boo everybodyelse!

[a face-lifted Moe]
Homer : Are you going to get even with that guy that never picks our lottery numbers?

['Lincoln's gold at the White House - is a note]
"The gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American."
Homer : Awh! crap!

[at the movie theater with many previews]
He he he ... I'm laughing .. . he he he ... but it's the laugh of impatience.

[a group at the door in the Bart at burlesque house]
Oh! this is not going to be about Jesus, is it?

[Homer thinks Bart is gay]
(to Marge) It's all your fault. Why do you have to be so feminine around him?

Name one gay Indian.

Oh! I'm having chestpain ... Where is the defribillator? ... Awh! this thing pays for itself!

Ooh! ... I almost fainted ... but then I didn't.

[lying on the couch]
Homer : I love these lazy Saturdays!
Marge : Today is Wednesday !
Homer : Awh! Work!

[lying on the couch]
I love these real Saturdays. So relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday which almost got me fired.

Vow! you sold a house AND got rid of the Flanders. [Marge, the real-estate agent]

[Homer makes Ned to quit as peewee football coach by constant heckling and becomes the coach himself]
Ned : Well ... good luck, Homer. No hard feelings.
Homer : Now you know it's not so easy to keep your mouth shut, eh, Flanders?

[Homer, the peewee football coach, after a gymnastics flashback]
From now on I'll be kinder to my son and meaner to my Dad.

Well ... 2 bucks ... only transports matter ... mmm ... well ... I'll give you 35 cents.

Sorry, this is a highly sophistimicated machine.

What do you like Lisa? violamin? tubaba?
Lisa : I want THAT.
Homer : Saxamaphone?

Watching all this stomach surgery has made me hungry. Marge , we need 5000 ccs. of snacks.

My hair is who I am. [at the Naval Reserve]

Mooching war widows! [proposition 305]

This world sucks!

My icecream sandwich!?! Then where the hell is my remote???

*** Internet - better than TV.com]

*** It may be on a lousy channel, but 'The Simpsons' is on TV!

ALL RIGHT!!! My bumper fell off!!!

God, why do you mock me?

Ooh! he must be a 100-feet tall!

Don't worry head. The computer will do all the thinking from now on.

I want my answers now or I want them eventually.

Oh, I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. There must be a way of here.

Vow! the soaked odors of a million meals! [baking soda in the fridge]

Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first life-time banning.

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumbass army guy.

They don't call em ... because I'm morbidly obese.

There's comes a time in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.

New Springfield Rocks!!! [new areacode 939]

Bart : Dad, I don't think it's a good idea.
Homer : Thank you, MARGE!!!

Those rich snobby Indians !

Krusty : Will you take on the Mob?
Homer : For a casual aquaintance like you? Absolutely!

Badger, my as

Peppi : What are those star constellations?
Homer : That one is Jerry, the cowboy ... and the different looking thing there is Salid(?), the cowboy.

Peppi : I love you, papa Homer.
Homer : I love you, Pepsi.
Bart & Lisa : Dad!
Homer : My goodness, what's wrong?
Bart & LisaWe both had nightmares. Can we sleep with you?
Homer : You both toilet trained?
Lisa : Yeah
Homer : Oh, Okay then.

Homer : Oh My GOD!!
Lisa : What is it?
Homer : Tramampoline! Trabapoline!

Marge : Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee shirt? Kohmehni died years ago.
Homer : But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah: Ayatollah Nachbudah, Ayatollah Dahadi. Even as we speak, Ayatollah Rasmarah and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.

Oh you're a dead man Burns, oh you're dead, YOU'RE DEAD BURNS!!!

Urge to kill fading ... fading ... fading ... (really soft) ... fading…(Loud) Rising!!! ... fading ... fading ... gone.

Marge : You have the right to remain silent.
Homer : I choose to waive that right. BLAHRARURAH!!!!

Come family, sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.

Homer : What don’t they do? (Chuckles) Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!
Lisa : You don’t know what they do there, do you?
Homer : Not as such, no.

... What-up, Marge!

Teacher : Uh, my wife recently past away…I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
Homer : Will this be on the test?

Whoo hoo! Look, Marge! A couple of bucks!

Homer : The mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination.
Lisa : World domination?
Homer : Ohhh. That may be a typo.
Homer's brain : Mental note - The girl knows too much.

Lisa : Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see, list your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life.
Homer : Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Son of Snigglets?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Katherine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa : No!
Homer : Ohhh, I suck!

You know what our vacations are like. Those three little monsters in the back seat.

Bart & Lisa : Huh? Bye mom, bye dad.
Homer : Bye kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.

Marge : Have you been drinking?
Homer : No! Well, ten beers.

Wait, wait a minute! When are those pancakes coming in the mail?

With my earning power, this family has nothing to worry about ... [pokes himself in the eye with a hotdog] ... Oh! please call my office and tell them I won't be coming to work tomorrow.

You can call them 'Whitey Wackers'. ( name for Marge's pretzels ).

Marge needs help. God knows I am not the man to provide it, but I know someone who can.

Homer : Hey! are you from the mafia?
Man : Well ... yes ... thank you for asking.

You mean to say that the mafia did something for me expecting something in return? Oh! Fat Tony, I say Good Day to you, sir.

Marge : Homer, did you tell the mafia to crush my competition by beating them and resorting to murder?
Homer : In those words? ... Yes. I only did what a loving husband would do. I hired some violent thugs to help my wife.

Wait a minute! Bart's teacher's name is Krabappal? I've been calling her Krandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot of myself.

Hey! does this mean Miss Krabappal is a virgin too? [Principal Seymour Skinner being a virgin].

Man : She thought that Mindy lived with Mork. [Jackie O]
Homer : Her husband was killed. Give her a break.

You should come to our house. It's full of valuable worthless crap.

Marge : He prefers the company of men.
Homer : Who doesn't?

Marge, Bart is wearing a Hawaiin shirt. Only two kinds of people wear that shirt ... gay guys and big fat party animals. Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me.

If there was a law, it would be against it. [Homosexuality].

Homer : Because of them [gay people], all the good names like Lance and Juliet are all gone. Those were the toughest names we had. Now they are just ... ...
Man (gay) : Queer?
Homer : That's another thing. You took that word too. That's the word we use to make fun of you. Now I am taking that word and my son with me.

Has the whole world gone gay?!? [Unwittingly takes Bart to a gay steel mill].

Homer : That's it, Marge. I am taking Bart hunting. He is going to grow up straight for a change.
Marge : You've never gone hunting and you grew up perfectly straight.
Homer : Oh yeah? How long since you had a baby?

Come on Bart, be a sport and shoot a reindeer.

I've been tenderized. [after being hit by a group of reindeer].

I don't want you calling him a sissy. He is a ... fruit ... wait wait ... queer.

Homer : eh, I lost my map.
Smithers : I've not given the maps yet.

Homer : Oh! [Homer and Burns teamed up as partners in the moutain retreat].
Homer's brain : Wait ... then he cannot fire you.
Homer : Oh! Oh!

Mr.Burns, I insist that we cheat.

Burns : You know Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.
Homer : No sir, I am not.

Ooh! no going through the windows for us.

Burns : I am in your debt.
Homer : Use it wisely, my friend.

Burns : The last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson .
Homer : So what?

Look at his eyes. He is trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.

Ooh! a golf shirt with my own logo on it (HI) and it smells like salmon too.

O yeah! a dog like this should be fed EVERYDAY! [Laddy].

This dog has more education than I do. [Laddy].

Lisa : Mom, you're mixing poly... with polyurethene! (recycling)
Homer : MARGE!!!

I know where I could find lots of paper (for recycling). ... Brings many bound books.

Marge : Homer, you didn't tell me that Mr.Burns is in serious financial trouble and that the power plant may be closed.
Homer : I can't remember EVERYTHING that happens at the office, Marge.
Marge : You told me you found a candy bar ten times!

TV news : Look who is flat broke and is picking up trash for a living! [Montgomery Burns].
Homer : Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ...

Homer : It's okay, Lisa, but I sure could've used that 12,000 dollars. [Homer in the hospital after a heart attack].
Lisa : Mmmm ... 10% of 120 million dollars is not 12,000 ...
After some time, emergency code blue goes off.

Marge : What happened here?
Homer : Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogie Man. Of course , none of this would've happened if you'd been here to keep me from acting stupid.

Wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can ... complete and utter dependence!

One size fits all, my butt!

[to the tune of Mandy] Oh, Mindy. You came and you gave without flaking but I sent you Bengay.

[reading the prepared speech for Mindy on his hand which is now smeared] Murphy, use ... you are a elf ... uncontrollably ... I think ... a we nom yo ho renge kyo.

Homer : Hey! What's the problem here?
Lisa : We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
Homer : [touched] You were? Aww ... Well, go ahead.

Homer : Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts!
Marge : Oh Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it ... Once.
Homer : Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the word ... Bonehead.

Homer : Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa : Tough choice.
Bart : I'm picking respect.

Burns : Make yourselves at home.
Bart : Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
Homer : [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me!
Burns : Trouble, Simpson?
Homer : [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.

Homer : You remember the rules from last year?
Bart : Yeah, shut my mouth and let your boss win.

Homer : Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean ... our kids are uncontrollable hellions ! Pardon my French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did ... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?
Marge and the kids : Amen!

Bart : Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump!
Homer : It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.
Marge : Ho-mer, this is our house.

I want to be alone with my thought.

Barney : Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got yourself a bad hand. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
Homer : You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them.

Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.

Homer : Now look ... You know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Bart : The fat guy on TV?
Lisa : You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro-wrestling
Homer : Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.

Marge : Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead
Homer : I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred an fifty dollars here!

Oh come on Marge! ... Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll actually get in someplace. [dipping to kids' college fund]

Homer : [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this Motorola?
Clerk : Is it cable-ready?
Homer : As ready as she'll ever be.

Marge : Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV ... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
Homer : Hey! No pain, no gain!

Receptionist : Will you be paying by cash or check?
Homer : Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look ... check it out ... Two hundred and fifty big ones.
Bart : You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where our TV used to be.

Look, honey, I clipped on my tie all by myself.

Homer : Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.
Marge : You mean Frank Grimes?
Homer : Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?

Marge : Look at this little plastic couple. Hmm, so full of hopes, potential, dreams for the future.
Homer : Hey Marge, wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night? Wee little parties?

Marge : When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor?
Homer : Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Shh! We're trespassing! And some of these farmers have pitchforks!

Now they did say bed and breakfast, right?

If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Ann's lace, I haven't found it!

Marge : You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on.
Homer : There's that dirty girl I married! Come on. I have a disgusting idea.

Awww! Eskimo kiss!

I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

Marge : Oh, we drank so much that night!
Homer : Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit!
Marge : [laughs uneasily] Yeah ...
Homer : Well, this time I'm drunk on love ... and beer.

Homer : I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing, that's near the other thing.
Marge: You mean this thing ?

Marge : Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other.
Homer : Dads especially.
Marge : So they need to explore new ways to express their love.
Homer : Scary ways. But we never intended it to end like that. With thousands of people staring at our naked bodies.

Marge, What Was Your Gambling Losses Last Year?

I'm All Man In Case You Heard Otherwise.

Happy Birthday Boy or Girl!

She's A Heifer , Plain And Simple!

It's A Party Marge, It Doesn't Have To Make Sense.

We're Movin' On Up ... To The East Side!

I Think I Hear My Wife Calling.

And I Ate The Mess He Left On My Rug.

Don't worry. I've brought my rap-and-run Ronny tape ... [plays the tape] ... hehehe he does say 'well' a lot.

Oh! I hope 'plunging' means 'up' and '75' means '200'. [stock market and a nervous homer].

Call me when you get a karaoke machine. [after 'pulling the plug' on Grampa Love-Matic at Moe's]

Homer : Marge, you told me we are going to have a ghost on the show.
Marge : I said we are going to have a GUEST on our show. ['The Simpsons' variety show].

I am sorry if you heard 'disney world'. I strictly said 'Military School'.

If this doesn't work out, whould we still pay for the whole semester? [Bart in military school].

Oh ... Yeah ... I've always said the boy could use more ... confidence. [Bart after military school].

I'd rather drink a beer than be the father of the year. [nanny Sherry Bobbins musical].

Marge : But he is locked up.
Homer : In a medium security prison.
[quieting a scared Bart about Sideshow Bob's revenge].

Marge : Bart, you can't ask God to kill Sideshow Bob.
Homer : Yeah! You do your own dirty work. [to a praying Bart].

Awww! This is St.Patrick's Day and I am not drunk yet. [waiting at Moe's].

Bart : I'll go to Moe's for a couple of of beers.
Homer : I'll go with you.

Prohibition ... Psst ... They tried that in the movies and it didn't work.

Prohibition seems to be a good thing. People drank more and had a lot more fun. [reading the newspaper about past prohibition].

Marge : Why so many bowling balls?
Homer : I am not going to lie to you, Marge. ... ... ... Well, good bye.

That's it boy, the REAL money is in bootlegging.

Suck like a fox ... hehehe

Homer : Kids, everything is going to be okay. We are going to live under the sea.
Marge : Homer, we cannot live under the sea.
Homer : Not with THAT attitude.

Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!

Okay it's the standard Grandpa Drill, everyone into the celler!

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that so called 'Volunteers' don't even get paid?!?

The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Stupid traumatic childhood .

Your mother is obviously very stressed at the moment, so we'll let her clear away the dinner in peace.

Lisa, I can't imagine anyone be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Homer : If I want to find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain : I'm a four-eyed lamo and I wear the same stupid green sweater every day.
Homer : To the Springfield lake.

Flanders : You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
Homer : Well, well, well. So flawless Flanders needs help from Stinky pants Simpson.
Flanders : Yeah, I-I guess I do.
Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee.
Flanders : How 'bout it Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer : Wellity, wellity, wellity ...
Flanders : Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer : Let's do it.

(Homer is sitting at the dinner table in a burglar's outfit and keeps glancing at the clock - to help Moe in his insurance scam).
Marge : Why all black?
Homer : Why all the pearls, why the hair, why everything?
Lisa : You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer : No you look a little nervous Lisa.
Bart : You're up to something aren't you.
Homer : No I'm just going to commit certain deeds.
[Homer gets up and walks out] : Suckers.

Captain Tennille : Oh, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Homer : And you're like the father I never visit.

Marge : Homer, that crazy lady who lives in the trash attacked me again.
Homer : That's not the way she tells it.

Homer : You signed my name? I feel so violated.
Marge : You've signed my name lots of times.
Homer : But this isn't like a loan application or a mortgage, you signed away my dignity.

Carl : Please can I have your autograph.
Homer : Sure, what's your name?
Carl : We've worked together for ten years ... it's Carl. [Homer sharing his name with a cool TV cop].

Homer : All right son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer ... Dear Lord, I know you must be busy seen as you can watch women change and all, but if you help us steal this grease, I promise we'll donate half the money to charity.
Bart : He's not stupid.
Homer : All right, screw it, lets roll.

This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon.

Oh baby, we've got him now! There's no escape from the airport.

Homer : Look Lisa, I got 2nd prize.
Lisa : You won 2nd prize?
Homer : No, but I got it.
[Homer walks out, but comes in a few seconds later]. Stealing is wrong.

Moe : Your husband was DOA.
Marge : Homer is dead?!?
Moe : I mean DWI. I always mix those two up.

Abe Simpson : Homer you’re dumber than a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it.

Lisa : C'mon mum it's allowance day pay us.
Bart : Yeah mum
Bart and Lisa : Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
Homer : Oooh! ice-cream man!

Stop the plane, you don't understand, I don't even believe in Jebus. [bangs window and shouts] ... Save me Jebus.

Marge : Of all the terrible things you've done in life, this is the worst, the most despicable.
Homer : But Marge, I swear to you-I never thought you'd find out. [Homer getting a gun].

Bart : Dad, why aren't you talking? Where's our motorboat?
Homer : I didn't like it, the mast had termites.
Lisa : Why would a motorboat have termites.
Homer : Because. The thingy was ... ... Shut up!

Marge : I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer : Pfft. Sor-ree your majesty.

Bart : Whoa, God is so in your face.
Homer : Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.

(Homer singing) There was a little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be. He'd heard or singers like Beatles, the Chipmunks he'd seen on TV. Why not a little Spanish flea.

Ned Flanders : Sure they're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbour.
Homer : Shut-up Flanders!
Ned Flanders : Okilly-dokilly-do.

School Principal : Lisa, if I have 5 apples and I give 3 apples away, how many apples will I have left?
Lisa : 2 apples.
Homer : Wait a minute. [calculates using his fingers]. ... She is RIGHT!!!

Name one successful person who has lived without an air conditioner.

Brilliant! ... I have no idea what's going on. [A man and a pink horse are dancing on TV].

Forget it, I am not going to spend a whole day in the museum ... unless they have foozball.

Bart : So that's how Lisa got her saxaphone.
Homer : Yes and next time I'll tell you the origin of Maggi's pacifier.
Marge : What origin? We got it for a dollar ninty five at a stroe.

A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew the pictues, Michaelmelangelo?

Judge : Homer Simpson, I find you guilty.
Homer : Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.

No, the only monster here is the evil gambling demon that has infested your mother. I call him 'GAMBLOR' and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws.

You suck-didly-uck, Flanders.

Aah!, hey get off my sugar. Bad bees, bad. Ooh! Ooh! Oh! they are defending themselves somehow.

Scooby Doo can doo doo but Jimmy Carter is smarter.

Ah, so thats what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.

Ned, you so crazy.

"Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is just a dollar away."
*** Homer's auto-dialer message ***

Oh Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

See you in hell candy boys!!!

Homer's brain : Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret.
Homer : Marge , I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge : Oh, my gosh!
Homer's Brain : No, the other secret.
Homer : Marge, I never passed high school.
Marge : That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.

Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement.

Lisa : Who will police the police?
Homer : I dunna know. Coast Guard?

Marge : But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician.
Homer : Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay.
Marge : What did you say?
Homer : I don't know. I flunked Latin, too. [Homer explaining that he never passed Science 101].

Then you start to cry like a sissy. When he turns away disgustedly ... That's the time to kick some back.

"When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen"

Whoooa, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, goodbye! [serenaded by country/western singer Lureen].

Alright Brain ... Its all up to you.

I'm hitting the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line some day from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.

Homer : No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge : Go crazy?
Homer : DON'T MIND IF I DO! WHARGHLULULU WHUR LALULUBRGLUBLU HAHUHAHU WOODWOOD HALULAOGH!
Marge : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Wiggum : Ha! And to think, those idiot environmentalists were protesting this landfill!
Homer : Solid waste! I could kiss you! MWUA! eugh! MWUA! ooh! MWUA! aah! MWUA! ooh! I think this one's pizza!
[After Homer & Cheif Wiggum drive off a cliff and their impending death is stopped by the car landing in a huge pile of rubbish ...]

Homer : How much does this job pay?
Lenny : Nothing.
Homer : D'oh!
Lenny : Unless you're crooked.
Homer : Woohoo!

I got this scar in the strike of '88.

Where's my Burrito? Where's my Burrito?

Lisa : Do you think you can get the dental plan back?
Homer : Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator. Mr. Burns or Me!
Bart : Dad! I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old danish.
Homer : Done and done! Heh Heh Heh!
Homer : D'OH!

Homer : Ooooh! Punch!
Lisa : Eeugh! Dad! This is BLOOD!
Homer : Correction, FREE blood!

Lisa : You must drive this stake right through his heart.
Homer : Take that vile FIEND!
[Homer plunges stake into body, repeatedly hammering]
Lisa : Ah ... Dad, that's his crotch.
Homer : Ho Ho Ho, Sorry!

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else ...

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

Marge : I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer : A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Homer : Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman : [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip]
Homer : What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise?
Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again]
Homer : [on his knees] I'll take it!

Marge : Homer's a very complicated man.
Homer : [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG!

Ohhhh, my ox testicle has ants on it.

I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.

Give me some peace of mind or I'll mop the floor with you.

We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.

Stop pummling me! Its really painful.

How could you do this to me, Moe? This bar was going under and it was the drink I invented that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.

American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice?

Dasher, Dancer ... Prancer ... Nixon, Comet, Cupid ... Donna Dixon.

Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?

I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market guy.

Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?

Homer : But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge : How were you a political prisoner?
Homer : I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Old man : Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer : Ooo, that's bad.
Old man : But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer : That's good!
Old man : The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer : That's bad.
Old man : But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer : That's good!
Old man : The toppings contain potassium benzoate ...
Homer : (confused look)
Old man : That's bad.
Homer : Can I go now?

You know, Marge, mud is nothing more than wet dirt!

Marge : Homer, did you call the audience 'Chicken'?
Homer : No! I swear on this bible!
Marge : That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer : Mmmm ... fuzzy.

Homer (looking up at the living room ceiling) : God, why do you mock me?
Marge : That's not God, that's a waffle that Bart threw on the ceiling.
Homer : Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but ... (munch munch munch) Mmmm ... Sacrelicious!

Homer : Mmmmm ... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch) ... 63 (munch munch munch) (cut to much later) Homer : 2 ... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge : Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer : I think I'm blind.

Lisa (reading invitation) : "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart : What's that extra B for?
Homer : That's a typo.

Apu : Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer : Uhhh ... spray the boy.

Mulder : All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer : Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully : Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer : We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?

Keep up the roughhousing, boy. Without a strong male presence you could go sissy any moment! Oh, these stubborn grass stains!

If you were 17, we'd be RICH now! But noooooooo. You had to be 10!

Oh Marge, anyone can miss Canada ... all tucked away down there.

Kent Brockman : An oil ship has just sunk at BabySeal Beach.
Lisa : Oh No!!
Homer : Dont worry hunny, theres much more oil where that came from.

I don't know ... two dollars? And it only transports matter?

Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students - jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time!

Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!

Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son!
[Bart is about to take a booting in Australia].

Homer : Oooh, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions! I'm great at these! Ask me if something smells funny in here, Boy.
Bart : Does something smell funny in here?
Homer : I don't think so ... STUPID! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
Marge : Homey, do you want pork chops?
Homer : No, I want roast beef ... YOU CLOD! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!

Stay where you are! Or I'll boot your Prime Minister!
[Homer takes Australia's Prime Minister hostage with a giant boot].

Rats ! I almost had him eating dog food!

They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge! With a stamp!

How was Jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? *chair breaks* D'OH!!! Stupid poetic justice!

And here I am using my own lungs like a fool! In the nursing home after seeing Lucky hooked up to a respirator.

I'm 239 and I'm feelin' fine! Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!

Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.

New York is a hell hole! You know how I feel about hell holes!

Marge, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm stuck between two vending machines.

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

Curse you, magic beans!

A cool ball gathers no gutters.

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

Lisa : Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer : Those perfectionists, forget it.
Lisa : How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.
Homer : I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
Marge : There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.

TV Announcer : Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
Duff Beer commercial : Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by!
Homer : Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Homer : Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen , boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors, to the ...
Councilman : Simpson! Get to the point.
Homer : I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The other ...
Councilman : All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye. Approved, Meeting adjourned.

Homer : But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together.
Lisa : What, Dad?
Homer : I'm talking about THAT! [points at the SNPP]
Marge : You mean your going to pick on your old bosses?
Lisa : Wow!
Bart : Gee, Dad's a hero.
Homer : What'd say, son?
Bart : Nothing.
Homer : That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say.

Burns : Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you used to be. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
Homer : Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward] including a few doozies no one every found out about.

Homer's brain : Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high. Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I ...
Burns : Simpson! Time's up.
Homer : What the hay, I'll take the job.

Burns : You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just for your principles?
Homer : Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched, but that's the lug your looking at ... and I vow to continue spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job.
Burns : You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you ... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!

Will you open the window, Lisa? The police have daddy's finger prints on file.

Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you out.

I pity those poor fools on the highway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Hey, Miss doesn't find me attractive sexually anymore, I just tripled my productivity.

Come to think of it, the guy who sold me this thing said that it would bring grave misfortune. I just thought he was being colorful.

Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.

Can't talk. Robbed. Go Hell.

Stupid bug! You go squish now!

Oh, I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.

I feel like a kid in some kind of store.

Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.

For the last week its been my life long dream to be an inventor.

Do you like Pina Colonics & getting caught in the rain?

Hey, I know you, we were in the same pyramid scheme.

We're not going to sign anything unless it's a contract.

Wait a minute Barney, you have to be sober to fly, I mean, it's not like driving.

Hi, this is Jerry Maguire, show me the message. Show me the message! [Homer's answering machine].

See boy, the real money is in bootlegging, not your childish vandalism.

Someone : Mr. Simpson, are you wearing a paper bag?
Homer : I have misplaced my pants.

Hehehehe . Look at this country - U-R-gay. Hehehehe.

Feeling stupid? !? I am.

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy, unlike motherhood. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world ... except for some Mag Wheels, that would be sweet.

Professor : And there will be a study session after class.
Homer : Do we have to go?
Professor : No.
Homer : Then kiss my curvy butt GOOOOD-BYE!

Smithers : Next question. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
Homer : There's a problem with teh reactor?! [Homer stands up].
Homer : WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! [runs out of room screaming].

Homer : Hey Apu, why aren't you in church?
Apu : Oh, but I am. See, I have a shrine to my god, Ganesha, in the employee lounge.
Homer : Hi Ganesha. Want a peanut?
Apu : Please do not offer my god a peanut.

I said I was sorry ... Sorry you're such jerks!. [to mobsters].

We're number one! We're number one! In your face Space Coyote!

Homer : No! You can't shoot me! I'm not Krusty! I'm Homer Simpson!
Mobster : The same Homer Simpson that drove through the wall of our nightclub?
Homer : Uh, I mean, my real name is Barney Grumble.
Mobster : The same Barney Grumble that keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer : Uh, actually, I'm, think Krusty think, Joe Vallachi!
Mobster : The same Joe Vallachi who squealed to the Senate Committee on organized crime?
Homer : Benedict Arnold!
Mobster : The same Benedict Arnold who planned to surrender West Point to the British?
Homer : D'OH!

Ovulate, damn you!!

Homer : So which kid is your favorite? Is it Bart?
Marge : No.
Homer : So you're a Lisa fan, eh?
Marge : No.
Homer : Well it can't possible be the baby. What's she done for anybody?

Marge : Come on Homer, aren't you excited to see Japan?
Homer : Aw, if I wanted to see Japanese people I could just go to the zoo.
Marge : HOMER!
Homer : What? Takashi works there ... He's in my book club.

Chief Wiggum : I'm getting complaints that this game is crooked. I'd hate to shut it down, so maybe we can reach a little agreement. (extends out hand)
Bart : Dad, I think he wants ...
Homer : Not right now, Bart. Daddy's talking to a policeman!
Chief Wiggum : Let me put it this way ... I'm looking for my friend Bill. Do you have any Bills in here?
Homer : He's Bart!
Chief Wiggum : Now listen to me and watch carefully as I wink. I'm looking for Mr. Bribe wink. Do you have a bribe? wink wink.
Homer : This is a ring-toss game!
Chief Wiggum : That's it, I'm taking it down.

Homer : Help! Carnies have taken over our house!
Chief Wiggum : Well well, look who it is! It's Mr. No Bribe! Well, let's just sit here and wait for detective LikeIGiveADamn.
Homer : OK.
Lisa : Dad, I think he ...
Homer : Not right now, Lisa. Daddy's waiting for the detective.

Homer : Oh, no!! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with 10000 angel ashtrays??
Bart : I could take up smoking.
Homer : You damn well better.

Bart : Just so you dont hear any rumors, im being endighted for fraud in Australia.
Homer : Well thats no reason to block the TV.

Marge : Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer : Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge : Earl Warren was never a stripper.
Homer : Oh, now who's being naive

Stupid sexy Flanders ...

The sea forgets all! Unlike those mean old mountains, I hate them so much.

Guy : Hello sir, do you like to laugh?
Homer : Why yes, yes I do.
Guy : Well the you'd love our comedy festival, it's for a good cause.
Homer : A rest home for pirates?

Lisa : Alright, let's all pick from the chore hat.
Homer : Come on bikini inspector.

Guy : This could increase your brain power, or possibly kill you.
Homer : Increase my killing power eh?

Homer : I'm looking for something in an after dinner burrito.
Apu : To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen.
Homer : Why would I want to look at a pen wit ... oh no! Her clothes are coming off! Heh heh, you know who would like this? Men.

Marge : You know Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer : Fun too!

Homer : Don't worry son, I have total faith in you.
Bart : Since when?
Homer : Since your mother yelled at me.

Lisa : I'm an ugmo.
Homer : Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa : Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer : Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa : No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer : There. See?

Homer : I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Marge : Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor : HOT DOGS!
Homer : WOO HOO!
Marge : Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor : Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.

There is nothing wrong with a father kissing his son ... I think.

Sweet, sweet alcohol ... takes the pain away!

Announcer : Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?
Homer : HITLER!

Announcer : Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are Red, White, and what?
Bart : Blue!
Homer : Yellow!
Bart : Orange, Red!
Patty : Green!
Homer : Black, White, Green!
Contestant : Green!
Homer : I was right!

Homer : Good morning Springfield! Good morning Mr. and Mrs.Wingfield!
Mr.Wingfield : Why dont you get a haircut you hippy!

Homer : Yallow!
Marge : Hello Homey, how's my big important executive?
Homer : Oh Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me!
Karl : Hello Mr. Simpson, I'm ... Karl.
Marge : He sounds good, hire him.

Karl : I want you to say to yourself ... I deserve this, I love it, I am natures greatest miracle. Go ahead, say it.
Homer : I ... I
Karl : Trust me Homer
Homer : I ...
Karl : Take a step and SAY IT!
Homer : I ... deserve this.
Karl : Louder!
Homer : I DESERVE THIS!
Karl : Shout it!
Homer : I AM NATURES GREATEST MIRACLE!!!
Karl : I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expences ...
Homer : YOU'VE GOT IT, BUDDY!
Karl : Lets go shopping!

Singer : You are so beautiful, to meeeeeee!
Marge : I love you Homer!
Homer : I love you Karl, uh ... Marge!

Bart : What happened, Dad? Did you screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer : All the time! It was the title of our second album!

Patty and Selma's supervisor : Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building, because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. (Patty and Selma don't know what to answer)
Homer (to himself) : I'll never forgive myself for this. (He grabs both the sisters' cigarettes
Supervisor: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?
Homer : Yes. I am in flavour country.
Supervisor : Both of them?
Homer : It's a big country.

Homer : My son, a genius!!? How does it happen ?
Doctor : Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity and environment. (looks at Homer) Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.

It's not funny, and the one in my pants really hurts. [coat hangers stuck in shirt and pants].

Homer : I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa : I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Bart : Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.
Homer : Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Moe : Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant!
Homer : This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

Homer : Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa!
Judge : And, er, Margaret?
Homer : Who?

Bart : Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to Hell!
Marge : Bart!
Homer : Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please."

Marge : Oh, Homey, look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like that.,br>Homer : Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas! (thinking) Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover!

Homer : And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs.
Moe : Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.

Lisa : Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Homer : Remove the girl. [Homer, the Great].

Homer on gays : They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh ...
John : Queer?
Homer : Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.

Homer : Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
Lisa : Doesn't Mom do that stuff
Homer : Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'm your man! You can treat me like dirt, and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! And if you don't like it, I can change! [to Mr.Burns].

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

Karl : Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
Homer : D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!

Stop that. I love my wife and family. All I'm going to use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort.

Homer : Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did ... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?
Marge and the kids : Amen!

Doh! That purple fruit thing! Where were you last night? [Homer scratching a lottery ticket].

What?! You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.

Michael Jackson : This is Gary. He can multiply any two numbers in his head.
Homer : Mmmm ... 5 x 9!
Gary : 45
Homer : Wow!

You could say we make a groin-grabbingly good team!

Homer : Implied Lisa, or implode?
Lisa : Mum, stop him!

But Marge, didn't you hear? (sobbing) They have no bananas.

Oooooh, a fresh batch of America Balls!

Oh, they got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo!

Homer : I love these lazy Saturdays ...
Marge : But Homey, it's Wednesday today!
Homer : Waah! Work!

We could have our own game; where people throw ducks at baloons and nothing's the way it seems ...

Rex Banner : (Outside the Springfield Planetarium) You're out there somewhere Beer Baron, and I'll find you ...
Homer : (Faintly in the distance) No you wont!
Rex Banner : (Suprised) Yes; I will.
Homer : Wont!

Stupid gravity! [falling out of tree house].

Marge : Now Homer, you're over-stimulated, lets get some beer into you, and then it's straight off to bed.
Homer : (Runs about frantically , flapping his arms) Woo-hoo! - beer beer beer, bed bed bed!

Oh, I'm sick of doin' Japanese stuff! In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the forty-sevenRonin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori." [Homer in Tokyo].

I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face.

Ooh! A trillion-dollar bill! That's a spicy meatball!

So, what do like, Lisa? Via-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?

Whoo-hoo! Cheap meat!

Sweet Merciful Crap!

They're DOGS and they're playing POKER!

Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

You deserve all the finest things in the world and although I can give them to you, they will be repossessed and I will be hunted down like a dog.

I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!

Here lies ... Walt Whitman. Aaargh! Damn you Walt Whitman! I ... hate ... you ... Walt ... freaking ... Whitman, leaves of grass my ass!

Lisa : Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Homer : Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed .

Lisa : It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer's brain : Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer : Takes one to know one!
Homer' s Brain : Swish!

How can you say anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little.

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.

Marge : Homer, you dont' think what we're doing is wrong do you?
Homer : Honey, i don't think anything i've ever done is wrong.

Bart : No offense Homer, your half-assed-under-parenting was a whole lot better than your half-assed-over-parenting
Homer : Oooh! but I was using my whole ass.

I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

Bart : What religion are you?
Homer : You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

If something is hard then it is probably not worth doing.

Hutz : Mr. Simpson I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help but overhearing that you need a babysitter! Since I'm a highly trained lawyer I'll charge you $200/hour.
Homer : I'll give you six bucks and you can take 2 popsicles out of the fridge!
Hutz : Three!
Homer : No, Two!
Judge, I'll have those shoes ready by monday.

Hutz :Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when wet.
Homer : Ooh! Classy!

Oh ... Patterson was right! I'm crashing and burning! Crashing and burning! ... How could you spend 4.6 million dollars in a month? ... They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge! A stamp! ... You know, Dad, there's a lesson in all this. Many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time we realize you can't just ... Wait! Shut up! I just thought of something!

I need a name for my company, something that is cutting edge, like Cut Co, or Edge Com, or Inter-Slice ... How about Compuglobalhypermeganet ... The name's not important.

You don't happen to have a bathroom in there do you?

I guess we'll be going down together, I mean getting off together, I mean ... That's Ok, I'll just press the button for the stimulator.

Oh Margie, you came and found me a turkey on my vacation away from workie.

Is "poo-poo head" one word or two?

Homer : But Marge you can't go out tommarow, it's Saturday, our special night.
Marge : What's so special about it?
Homer : ... Oh! I don't know, a little show called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

You broke a promise to your duaghter and that made her cry and then Maggie cried. Oh she's such a little trooper.

I have a problem, I am very tempted by another woman
Someone : Well if it isn't Homer Simpson, I know lets conference you with Marge
Homer : WAHHH!!!

Oh! I wish I had my reaching broom.

You don't snuggle with Max Power, you strap yourself in and feel the G's.

Wannaseemynewchainsawandhockey mask!!! ... Waaaaaaaaa ... Oh right the Side Show Bob thing.

Ignore the boy, Lord.

I have feelings too - like 'My stomach hurts' or 'I'm going crazy!'

Oooh! ... so everything's wrapped up in a neat little package ... I was serious. Sorry if I sounded sarcastic.

Can't someone else do it?

Marge : You know, it's funny ... your father and my mother both seem very lonely.
Homer : Tee hee hee hee hee! That is funny!

Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk ...

Note to self : stop doing anything.

Oh, why do they have to put all of this crud in my newspaper? 'World.' 'The Arts.' 'Religion.' Ah-ha! Here it is : 'Kickin' Back'.

You can't go this far and not go farther.

Homer : Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because ...
Marge : ... we had a fight?
Homer : Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus ...
Marge : ... and you're from Mars.
Homer : Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters.

For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin ... then the sweet, sweet innards ...

A gun isn't a weapon; it's a tool. Like a harpoon, or a hammer or a ... an alligator. You just need more education on this subject.

Well, do you remember the time when your cat snowball died? All we have to do is get another jazzman.

Clown College, phh, you can't eat that.

Homer : ... You could say he's barking up the wrong bush.
Homer's Brain : That's it Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and no-one was around to hear it.

When a fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn, Something ... something ... then you'll see, You'll avoid catastrophe.

Public Service Announcement : The following is a public service announcement - beer can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer : Mmmm ... beer.

Congratulations! You all made the team! Except you, you, and you. Greg, I liked your hustle and your skill. that's why it was so hard to cut you.

Ned flanders : Homer, did you steal my air conditioner?
Homer : I know it looks bad flanders, but he who is without sin casts the first stone
(homer gets hit with a rock)
Rodd Flanders : I got him, Dad.

Homer : Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesday, and they never tell me where they are going . It's like a conspiracy or something.
Bart : A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way.
Homer : I doooo ... now.

Loan Officer : We are gonna have to take your house if you don't pay your mortgage.
Homer : I'll take the numbers off my house.
Loan Officer : We'll look for the house with no numbers.
Homer : I'll take the numbers off my neighbor's house.
Loan Officer : We'll look for the house next to the one with no numbers.
Homer : D'oh!

Homer : I've always wondered if there was a god, and now I know - there is, and it's me.
Marge : You're not God, Homer.
Lisa : Remember dad, all glory is fleeting.
Homer : So?
Lisa : Beware the Ides of March.
Homer : No.

Oh, lousy neighbours, I wish I was deaf.

Ms. Krabappel : I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up being, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Homer : Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join - John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Burgher ... Mmmm ... burger ....

Hang onto that hat, toyboy , you might need it when it starts raining naked ladies.

Marge : Homer, are you ready ?
Homer : Just gotta put my shoes on. [Homer is in the lounge, wearing only underpants and playing both cars on a Scalextric set].

Presidential advisor : Mr. President, this welfare reform is nothing but a washed up ... [the chimp leaps shrieking from his chair and lands on the shoulders of the advisor, and starts raining blows down on his head].
Advisor : Aargh! get off me, Mr. president !
Homer : Heh-heh, that's what ya get for not 'hailing to the chimp'.

Kirk : I sleep in a racing car. Do you ?
Homer : I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Homer's Voice : "Greetings, friend. Do you wish to be as happy as me ? Well, you have got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away!"

Homer's Voice : "Hello, this is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologise for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power!"

Lisa : Names aren't important, Bart. A rose by any other name is still a rose.
Bart : Not if they were called stench-blossoms.
Homer : Or crapweeds.
Marge : I sure would hate to get 12 crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd much rather have candy.
Homer : Not if they were called scumdrops.

God : Don't worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.

Superintendent Chalmers : Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion.

Ned Flanders : Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.

Marge Simpson : Dear God, this is Marge Simpson. If you stop this hurricane and save our family, we will be forever grateful and recommend you to all our friends.

Bart : Why the hose, Homer?
Homer : What does it look like? I'll get our letter so wet the ink will run and no one will be able to read it.
Bart : Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
Homer : So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo. You know the kind of letters people write! ... Dear somebody you never heard of, how is so and so? Blah blah blah blah blah. Your's truly, Some Bozo ... Big loss!

Lisa : Boy, mom sure will be happy you won 50 dollars.
Homer : You'd think that wouldn't you? But you see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's OK in the bible.
Lisa : Really? Where?
Homer : Uhh ... somewhere in the back.

Homer : Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed. Didn't you hear what that guy in the building said?
Lisa : But dad, don't you think ...
Homer : Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rain forest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
Lisa : No, Dad, I don't think ...
Homer : There's that word again!

When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free. Because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

Life is like a box of donuts ... Mmmm ... donuts ...

Who ever thought a nuclear reactor could be so complicated?

Homer : Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was ... I forgot .. . but the point is ... I forgot ... Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car.

Lennie, can you get this sugar daddie off my back?

Ohhhhhhhhh, ya better not slouch, you better get fries, 'cuz if you don't I'm telling you why, Da-da-da's becoming ... a clown ... D'oh!"

Bart : Hey Homer, this house sucks.
Homer : Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.

[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer : No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer : I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine."
Guard : And your name is ...?
Homer : Uhh ... Shiney McShine.

It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero ... Cruddy ... Crummy ... Krusty the Clown!

Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find that we have very little in common.

Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.

I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.

Lisa : So gambling makes a good thing even better?
Homer : That's right. My God, it's like there's some kind of bond between us.

Jeez. No beer ... no opera dogs ...

You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.

You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

Could this be the best day of my life?

Kirk : One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink.
Homer : Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me.

The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, `the gruesome twosome.'