IN < - Seks kao sagorivac kalorija - >LO
(1/1) :: Odgovori!
Autor: SerbianFighter :
Calories we burn whilst having sex!

"If you like exercise, you will like this site,
If you loathe to exercise, you will love this site!"



The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready    (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories
If the woman is not   (same vice-versa).........274 calories


Satisfying Partner  (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories


 Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories
     Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities,
     this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories
Standing
     Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories
     Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories
            The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air
            in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in traction.............................................................124 calories
    (very useful during ski season)


Locations

On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
     Standing.......................14 calories
     lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
     Aisle seat....................24 calories
     Middle seat.................42 calories
     Window seat...............30 calories
     In the lavatory.............100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.........................................................5 calories
Squeals............................................................4 calories
Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories
Low growling..................................................8 calories
Squishing.........................................................10 calories
Shouting...........................................................16 calories
Screaming........................................................18 calories
Urgent begging.................................................22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories
     "Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more"
      are common examples

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling........................................................15 calories
Shaking............................................................20 calories
Shuddering......................................................25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories

Orgasm

Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For woman
    2......14 calories
    5......30 calories
    8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
    2......21 calories
    3......39 calories
    4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4  orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.


Special Orgasms

Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories
   (can also occur during an especially good meal)

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
   approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
   which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
   similar to premature ejaculation except male
   acts childish and throws a tantrum

*Often caused by an inability to do things right.

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.

For Woman
    Frustration..........................................8 calories
    Anger.................................................15 calories
    Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
    Suppressing rage................................25 calories
    Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
       in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
       and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.

For Men
    Cursing..............................................10 calories
    Apologising.......................................3 calories
    Snivelling..........................................5 calories
    Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
    Begging for another chance...............15 calories

Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.


Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning.........................6 calories
Palpitations......................10 calories
Shortness of breath..........5 calories
Perspiring........................8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorie

Recovering

Un-entwining............................................3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories
    After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
     to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
     in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
    to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse............18 calories
    Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
     and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
During intercourse.........32 calories
    Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct  way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
During foreplay.............12 calories
    Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.

Trying Again

If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
    Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
     Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
    Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist


Group Sex

Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
Swapping partners
    Willingly.................................4 calories
    Unwillingly.............................62 calories
Jealousy......................................16 calories
    Partner having more fun than you are
Mixed doubles............................26 calories
Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
Anger..........................................10 calories
    You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
     Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.
Finding your clothes....................5 calories

Masturbation

For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

Using
   Your hand(s):
       Regular way......................................11 calories
       Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
   Tweezers..............................................2 calories
   An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
   Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
      except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
 A vibrator:
       Hand-operated.................................12 calories
       Windup............................................9 calories
       Electric............................................5 calories
  Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
  In a pornographic movie theater
      Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
      Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
      Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
  should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories

Getting Caught

By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories

Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
    add 5 calories if window wasnt open
Landing................................................1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories

Obavestenje: Poruka je preseljena od strane moderatora Anea (Vreme: 14. Jun 2008, 23:56:22)

> Odgovori
^ Povratak na viši nivo