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Most young couples begin married life knowing very little about how to argue with each other, and are forced to learn through trial and error. Sadly, some of them never do learn, a good example being that couple on “The Waltons” who never fought about anything, and consequently wound up with three or four hundred children.
There is no need for this kind of tragedy. We veteran married couples have, over the years, especially on long car trips, developed certain time-tested techniques that even an inexperienced person can use to turn any issue, no matter how minor, into the kind of vicious, drawn-out argument where you both spend a lot of time deliberately going through doors you don’t really need to go through, just so you can slam them viciously.
When you get involved in marital arguing, the role model you want to bear in mind is World War I, which got started when some obscure nobleperson, Archduke Somebody, got assassinated way the hell over in the Balkans, and the next thing you know people in places as far away as Cheyenne, Wyoming, were rushing off to war. These were people who wouldn’t have known a Balkan if they woke up in bed with one, but they were willing to get shot at because of what happened there. It’s the same with a good marriage argument. If you really do it right, you should reach the point where neither of you has the vaguest recollection what the original disagreement was, but both of you are willing to get divorced over it. This is the kind of veteran marital relationship you young couples can develop, if you follow these proven techniques.
The most important technique is: Always be on the lookout for conversational openings that can lead to arguments! To illustrate this, let’s look at a typical marital conversation:
MARY: Honey, could you please try not to leave your socks on the coffee table?
JOHN: Why of course, dear. I’m sorry.
Pretty pathetic, right, married couples? Mary has created the perfect opening for a good argument, and John has totally dropped the ball, by admitting he was wrong. Never admit you’re wrong, young married persons!
Now you’re saying, “But what if John’s socks are right there, on the coffee table? How can he argue about that?”
The answer is: He can’t. So what he has to do is, he has to somehow get the argument, or at least his end of it, focused on a completely different topic, ideally a strident accusation that he has dredged up out of his memory and that is totally unrelated to the issue at hand. This is very important, young married persons: You must always maintain a supply of retaliative, irrelevant accusations in your mind, so that you can dredge them up when you need them.
Let’s say, in this case, that John once thought Mary was flirting with her old flame Bill at a party. This is a good thing to accuse her of in the current argument, as it is totally unrelated to the coffee table. However, John must be careful how he brings it up; if he does it too abruptly, Mary could become confused, and the argument could end right there:
MARY: Honey, could you please try not to leave your socks on the coffee table?
JOHN: Oh yeah? Well what about your old flame, Bill?
MARY (confused): Huh?
So what John needs to do—this is the essential skill of marital arguing—is to come up with a smooth way to get from Mary’s topic to his topic. This technique is called a “segue,” (pronounced “segue”), and if you do it right, it will usually lead to a whole new series of mutant topics you can argue about. Let’s see how it works:
MARY: Honey, could you please try not to leave your socks on the coffee table?
JOHN: Why do you always do that?
MARY: Always do what?
JOHN: Always look for things to criticize.
MARY: I don’t always look for things to criticize. I just don’t like finding your damn ...
JOHN: Fine. Great. Curse at me. I didn’t see you cursing at Bill, at the Johnsons’ party.
MARY: What is that supposed to mean?
JOHN: Oh, come on. You were flirting with him.
MARY: I was flirting? And I suppose you weren’t all over Jennifer?
JOHN: I don’t see how you could have known what I was doing, after all you had to drink.
See how effectively this veteran married couple handled the situation? In just a few quick sentences, they have gone from a seemingly silly topic, socks, to a whole treasure trove of issues that they can debate and dredge up again for years to come. I’m not saying you young couples will get this kind of results your first time out of the gate, but with a little practice, you’ll get the hang of it, and it can lead to the discovery of a whole new facet of your relationship (see Chapter 11, “How to Put New Life into Your Marriage or Else Get a Divorce”)
In this chapter, we’re going to talk about how children affect your marriage. We’re not going to talk about how you actually produce the children in the first place. We covered that topic thoroughly in an earlier book, Babies and Other Hazards of Sex, which explores the whole area of childbirth in great detail and reaches the following scientific breakthrough conclusions:
1. It is very painful. (If you’d like additional facts on this topic, you can read the book, although it doesn’t contain any.)
For now, however, we’re going to talk about how your married life will change after you have children, so that you’ll be able to carefully and rationally weigh the pros and cons of parenthood, then barge right ahead and have children without any understanding of what you’re really getting into, just like everybody else.
What It Really Means to Be a Parent
What it really means to be a parent—note this carefully, because it’s the essence of the whole thing—iS: YOU Will spend an enormous portion of your time lurking outside public-toilet stalls.
For reasons that modern medical science has been unable to explain, children almost never have to go to the bathroom when they are within eight or nine miles of their own home toilets. It does no good to try to make them. Tell a child to go to the bathroom before you leave home, and the child will insist that not only does he or she not have to go now, but he or she will probably never have to go to the bathroom ever again.
And of course when you get where you’re going, let’s say a restaurant, the child will wait until your entrees are about to emerge from the kitchen, then announce that he or she has to go. Children are incredibly sensitive to approaching entrees.
So you will take the child to the bathroom, and, if it is an especially loath some bathroom, a bathroom that has clearly not been cleaned since the fall of Rome, a bathroom where the floor is littered with the skeletons of Board of Health employees who died attempting to inspect it, if it is this kind of bathroom, the child will immediately announce that he or she has to do Number Two.
And of course you must stay there with the child. The child will want you to stand right outside the toilet stall, while the child goes in there, and ... and nobody really knows. It’s a real mystery, what young children do in public-toilet stalls. Whatever it is, it takes them longer than it took you, the parents, to produce them in the first place.
What I hate about this is that restaurant men’s rooms are often fairly small and intimate places, and while I’m standing there, waiting for my son, strangers are constantly coming in to pee, and there I am, inches away from them, lurking there with no apparent purpose, like some kind of sex pervert who likes being in disgusting men’s rooms. So, to show that this is not the case, I try to keep a conversation going with my son. Except the only thing I can think of to talk to him about is how the old Number Two is going. I mean, you’d feel like an idiot in that situation, talking about the Strategic Defense Initiative. So we have these ludicrous exchanges:
ME (brightly): So! Robert! How’s it going in there?!
ROBERT (irritated): You just asked me that.
ME (grinning like a madman at the peeing stranger so as to reassure him that everything is okay): Ha ha!
Eventually, the child will emerge from the stall, when he or she is absolutely sure that the entrees are stone frozen cold. The child doesn’t care about the food, because children don’t go to restaurants to eat. They go to restaurants to go to the bathroom and play loud shrieking games under the table, so that you, the parents, are constantly ducking your heads under and hissing, “Stop that!” like some deranged species of duck. The child never actually touches the food, which is why many modern restaurants are saving money by serving reusable children’s entrees made entirely out of plastic.
Where Can I Find Decent Affordable Child Care?
Hahahahahaha. Forgive me for laughing in a bitter and cynical fashion, but you happen to have hit upon the most serious problem facing the Free World today: the international child-care crisis.
In the old days, of course, the Free World had an excellent system of high-quality, low-cost child care in this country, namely your mother. Unfortunately, however, your mother is no longer interested in caring for children. She is interested in spending what little is left of her life among furniture that does not have Hawaiian Punch stains all over it. And you, of course, can’t engage in child care, because you need to get out and have a Rewarding Career so you can have a chance to earn enough money to pay for child care.
Except there is hardly any available. You go around checking out preschool facilities, and you keep finding yourself in dank basements where the staff is missing a large percentage of its teeth and the educational materials consist of four crayons—all burnt sienna—and a GI Joe doll with most of the limbs pulled off. The result is that people are desperate. People who work in New jersey are dropping their children off each morning at child-care centers in Utah.
Fortunately there is some hope. A new company recently opened for business, called the Exactly What You Are Looking For Child Care Company. It has spacious, clean, modern, well-equipped facilities within walking distance of your home or office; it’s open from 5 A.M. until as late as you want; and it’s staffed by middle-aged British women who love children and attend church regularly and are all licensed pediatricians. The cost is $3.50 per child per day. If you’re interested in enrolling your child in this excellent program, all you have to do is kill the Wicked Witch of the West.
How Children Affect Your Sex Life
Children are Nature’s very own form of birth control. To illustrate how they perform this vital function, let’s take a look at a minute-by-minute schedule, showing how my wife and I put our six-year-old son, Robert, to bed on a typical evening. To make sure we have some time to ourselves, we try to have him in bed by 8 P.m., which means we start the procedure a full hour earlier:
7 P.m.—We announce to Robert that it’s time to get ready for bed.
7:04, 7:09, 7:12, 7:14, 7:17, 7:18, 7:22, 7:24, 7:25, 7:26 & 7:27—We announce to Robert that he really has to start getting ready for bed Right Now and we are Not Kidding.
7:28—Robert goes to his room and actually starts getting ready for bed.
7:29—Robert notices that his rubber Godzilla doll is missing. How he notices this, in a room containing roughly 78,500 toys, nobody can explain, but he does notice it, and of course all other activities must cease until we can resolve this matter because God forbid that a child should be required to go to bed without his rubber Godzilla doll.
7:43—We locate Godzilla and Robert begins getting ready for bed again. He is supposed to take off his clothes and put on his pajamas. He can do this All By Himself.
9:27—So far, All By Himself, Robert has removed his shirt and, if he is really on a roll, one of his shoes. I go in to help him along.
9:30—Now in his pajamas, Robert has his teeth brushed, which is the signal for him to announce that he is hungry. We tell him that this is his own fault, because he did not finish supper, and he absolutely cannot have any more food, no sir, forget it, not a chance, it’s time he learned his lesson, etc.
9:57—Robert finishes a bowl of Zoo-Roni and submits to having teeth brushed again.
10:02—We read a bedtime story, Horton Hatches the Egg, by Dr. Seuss, which takes us quite a while because we must study every page very, very carefully in case there is some tiny detail we might have possibly missed when we read it on each of the previous 267 consecutive nights.
10:43—We announce that it’s time to go to bed.
10:45, 10:47, 10:51, 10:54, 10:56 & 10:59—We announce that it really is time to go to bed Right Now and we are Not Kidding.
11:03—Robert actually gets into his bed. We tuck him in, kiss him good night, and creep silently out of the room, alone at last.
11:17—Robert falls asleep and is immediately awakened by a terrible nightmare caused by being in bed with his face six inches from a rubber Godzilla doll. We remove it.
11:28—We kiss Robert good night and creep silently out of the room, alone at last.
11:32—Hearing noise from Robert’s room, we return to find him sobbing loudly. So upset that he is barely able to choke out the words, he explains that he has just realized that the mother bird in Horton Hatches the Egg loses her baby in the end, and even though she was terribly mean, she is probably very sorry by now, and very lonely. We try to explain that this is not at all the point that Dr. Seuss was trying to make, but Robert is inconsolable. Finally we agree to let him climb into bed with us, but “just for one minute.”
2:47 A.m.—We return Robert to bed, kiss him good night, and creep silently from the room, alone at last.
3:14, 3:58, 4:26, 5:11 & 5:43—The household goes on Red Alert status as various routine nightmares occur, each one causing us to stagger, half-asleep, down the hallway, like actors in a scene from Night of the Living Dead Parents.
6:12—Dawn breaks.
Whenever I read newspaper stories about people who have, say, nine children, I never ask myself: “How do they manage to take care of them all?” I ask myself: “Where did they find the time to conceive them all?”
I don’t mean to suggest, by what I’ve said in this chapter, that children are bad for a relationship. Because in the end, the negative aspects of being a parent—the loss of intimacy, the expense, the total lack of free time, the incredible burden of responsibility, the constant nagging fear of having done the wrong thing, etc.—are more than outweighed by the positive aspects, such as never again lacking for primitive drawings to attach to your refrigerator with magnets.
My first piece of advice is that if you’re planning to have an affair, you should read this chapter in a safe place, such as the linen closet. You don’t want to be sitting around the living room, in plain view of your spouse, reading a chapter entitled, in great big letters, “How to Have an Affair.” I recommend that you hide this book under your garments and say to your spouse: “Well, I guess I’ll go sit in the linen closet with a flashlight for a while!” Your spouse will never suspect a thing. Unless you don’t have a linen closet. That would be a dead giveaway.
Another dead giveaway is acting guilty. Let’s take a typical person—we’ll call him “Ed”[1]—who is having an affair with a woman at his office. If Ed has a guilty conscience, he may accidentally reveal this in casual conversation with his wife:
ED’S WIFE: Would you like another corn muffin, dear?
ED: I’m having an affair with a woman in my office!
Even if Ed’s wife is not a trained psychologist, she might conceivably gather, from certain subtle verbal “clues” Ed is subconsciously dropping, that something “fishy” is going on. Ed must make more of an eff ort to watch his words:
ED’S WIFE: Would you like another corn muffin, dear?
ED: I’m not having an affair with a woman in my office!
Most affairs occur at the office, of course, which leads us to another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the Office. To illustrate why this is important, let’s consider two people, Ellen and Chuck, who have worked together in a large corporate office for several years, and have recently started having an affair.
Up to this point, Ellen and Chuck have probably been behaving the way men and women always behave in offices, which is to say: constantly winking and leering and engaging in loud and fun suggestive sexual banter. Behaving like lust-crazed fools has been a major form of entertainment in offices for as long as anybody can remember; in terms of total American corporation employee hours consumed, suggestive banter ranks well ahead of work, and only slightly behind making Xerox copies of personal documents.
But like so many couples, Chuck and Ellen, now that they are engaging in real, as opposed to pretend, sexual activity, suddenly decide they have to be discreet. They never banter. They never eat lunch together any more. They walk past each other without even looking at each other. When they are forced, by circumstances, to be together, they display the same kind of warmth and closeness toward each other as the Vice-president of the United States displays toward deceased heads of state. They are formal and cool.
They are also morons. The other employees, who, if they have been in the corporate world more than six weeks, have already witnessed hundreds of other major office affairs, will immediately recognize the cause of this sudden change in behavior. Ellen and Chuck might just as well go around wearing convention-style nametags that say: HI! MY NAME IS ELLEN! I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH CHUCKI!
Within days everybody in the office will know what’s going on. The affair will be discussed extensively in staff meetings. It could well appear in the annual report to the stockholders.
What this means, of course, is that if you want your affair to go unnoticed by your co-workers, you have to be blatantly obvious about it. Chuck should wait until the office is extremely quiet, then stand up at his desk and shout across 47 desks to Ellen: “HEY ELLEN! WHAT DO YOU SAY WE MEET AT THE OUT O’TOWN MOTOR LODGE AFTER WORK TODAY AND HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!” And Ellen should shout back: “HECK YES!! I HAVE MY DIAPHRAGM RIGHT HERE IN MY PURSE!”
Chuck’s and Ellen’s co-workers would never suspect a thing. “What a couple of kidders Chuck and Ellen are!” the co-workers would chuckle.
How You Can Tell If Your Spouse Is Having an Affair
You can always tell. No matter how careful your spouse is, he or she is going to make a mistake somewhere, and you’ll catch it, if you know the Major Warning Signs, which are:
1. Your spouse acts strange.
2. Your spouse, trying to trick you, acts normal.
If you notice either of these Warning Signs, you should wait until your spouse is in a vulnerable position, such as reclining in a dental chair, and then you should point-blank ask the following gently probing question (if your spouse is male): “Well? Who is she?”
Now listen closely to the answer. If it’s something specific like: “You mean the person I’m having an affair with? She is Dorina Mae Swiggins,” that means your suspicions are probably justified. But if it’s something evasive like: “What are you talking about?” or “Who is Who?”, then you quite frankly have to ask yourself how come your spouse is refusing to answer a simple direct question. Either way, this would be a good time to read the next chapter.
Time takes its toll on every marriage. The sense of romance and adventure that you feel as you take your wedding vows on that bright Saturday afternoon in June inevitably gives way to familiarity and even boredom, often as early as 8:30 that evening. Yet some couples seem to go on happily forever, a good example being Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos, former owners of the Philippines. Long ago, they discovered a secret that has worked its magic for many successful couples: thoughtfulness. Ferdinand and Imelda were always showing each other, in little ways, that they cared. For example, when Imelda would get depressed because of the hassle and strain of everyday life, plus the fact that she was bloating up like an inflatable life raft, Ferdinand would say to her: “Buttercup, you look depressed. Why not take the national treasury and purchase every luxury consumer object in France?” This thoughtful gesture never failed to perk her up.
Of course you may not be in a position to demonstrate quite that level of care, but there are things you can do to show your commitment to each other—little, thoughtful, romantic gestures that say you still think the other person is “somebody special.” For example, you can:
1. Try to remember (you guys, especially) to flush the toilet.
2. Remember your spouse’s birthday. “Hey!” you can say. “Wasn’t your birthday last month?”
3. Go dancing, or even ...
4. Go dancing with your spouse.
5. On your anniversary, give your spouse an appropriate traditional gift for whatever year it is, as shown on the accompanying chart:
Number Of Anniversary Traditional Gift
1st Ore
5th McNuggets
10th Veg-o-Matic
15th Oil change
20th “Slim” whitman album
30th TV tray or assault rifle
40th Frankincense
50th Ointment
60th Suppository
70th Indonesian Fighting Snake
6. Consider renewing your wedding vows. The best place to do this is Las Vegas, where “wedding chapels” are a major industry, along with divorce, gambling, and scorpion paperweights. My wife and I renewed our vows in Vegas a little while back, on a Friday the 13th, in the very same chapel
(everything I am telling you here is the truth) where Joan Collins got married her third or fourth time. The whole thing took less than four minutes and cost only $50, plus a tip for the minister, who was named (I swear) Dr. Eva C. Tubby.
7. Go on a Get-away Vacation Fling. just the two of you. One day, when the pressure gets to be too much, you should just say to your spouse, out of the blue: “Let’s go!” Then you should impulsively throw a few items into
a suitcase, jump into a cab, race to the airport, and hop on the next plane to Hawaii, or the Caribbean, or Europe, or wherever you want to go. Why not? You’ll be glad you did it. Once you’re up in the air, settled back in your seats, sipping champagne (Why not?), the two of you can hold hands, close your eyes, and just let your minds drift away to ... THE
CHILDREN!! MY GOD, YOU FORGOT THE CHILDREN!!! TURN THE PLANE BACK RIGHT
NOW!!!
Sometimes, however, even thoughtful and romantic gestures such as these don’t do the trick. Sometimes you find that the two of you, no matter how much you may once have cared for each other, are starting to drift apart. It’s the little things that give you away: you hardly ever talk any more; you no longer kiss each other when you come home; you live in different states; etc. Maybe it’s time to face up to the fact that you’re just not right for each other any more. Hey, it happens. People change. They get older, they get larger, and sometimes they start to smell bad. Maybe the time has come to think about—let’s come right out and say it:
Divorce
The most important thing is to get yourself a lawyer. Oh, I realize you probably think you and your spouse can work this thing out amicably without any third parties. But what if suddenly your spouse gets a lawyer, and you end up stone broke on the street wearing only a Hefty trash bag? You can’t afford to take this chance. You need a lawyer, too, so you and your spouse can both end up wearing Hefty trash bags. I recommend the ones with the patented “Cinch Sak” drawstring top.
How to Select a Lawyer
The best way to select a lawyer is to watch late-night television, which is where your top legal minds advertise. You’re looking for one who can demonstrate:
* Integrity, in the form of wearing a dark suit;
* A sound knowledge of the law, in the form of standing in front of a shelf with a lot of books on it; and
* A sincere personal interest in you, in the form of making the following speech: “Hello. I’m Leonard Packmonger, of Leonard Packmonger Legal Attorneys of the Law Associates. Does your back hurt sometimes? Do you ever use consumer products? If so, I would say that, based upon my many, many weeks of experience in handling cases just like yours, you definitely have good grounds for a major lawsuit. Come on in and let’s talk about it and sign some binding documents. just for stopping by, we’ll give you a free, no-obligation neck brace.”
Grounds for Divorce
At one time it was difficult to get out of a marriage unless there was some kind of very serious problem with it, such as that one or more of the people involved had become deceased.
Today, fortunately, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly. The only requirement is that you have a legal reason, which is technically known as “grounds.” If you have no grounds of your own, you can probably get some from your lawyer, who will have an ample supply left over from previous cases; or you can select some from this convenient list of grounds, all of which are 100 percent legally valid in every state in the union. Or at least they should be.
* Wearing shorts and black knee socks at the same time.
* Calling you “Sweetie Beancakes” in front of strangers.
* Forgetting to buy beer.
* Repeatedly putting the ice cube tray back in the refrigerator with two or fewer ice cubes in it.
* Bringing the car home with just enough gas in it so that, if you shut the engine off and coast on the downhill slopes, you can get as far as the end of the driveway.
* Any cigar-related activity.
* Standing next to you with a sour facial expression at a party while you tell
a really terrific joke and then loudly announcing the punchline three-tenths of a second before you get to it and then saying: “Isn’t that AWFUL?” (NOTE: In some states this is grounds not only for divorce, but also for murder.)
* Golf.
* One day, with no warning, bringing home:
1. a cat, or
2. an Amway representative.
* Leaving his or her toenails in a prominent location as though they were decorative art objects.
* Using the word “frankly” a lot and not meaning it as a joke.
* Operating a loud household appliance during the Super Bowl.
* Secretly liking Geraldo Rivera.
The Divorce Proceedings
You want to keep them as quiet as possible. You don’t want them to be highly publicized, like the divorce a few years back in Palm Beach, Florida, involving wealthy socialites Peter and Roxanne Pulitzer, in which Peter claimed that Roxanne had slept with a three-foot trumpet. Naturally the national news media found this to be far more interesting than anything that has ever happened in the Middle East, so now everybody has heard about it. Roxanne Pulitzer could visit a remote and primitive Amazon jungle tribe, and the tribespeople would all gather around her and make trumpet sounds.
So you want to avoid letting your intimate secrets out. Not that I am suggesting for one second that you have ever slept with a trumpet. You are more the bassoon type.
Starting Over after the Divorce
Eventually the divorce will become final, and you can start picking up the broken pieces of your life and selling them to pay off your legal bills. But also you must think about the future, and, yes, meeting someone new. You must not be afraid. Oh, sure, you got burned and you got hurt. But that is no reason to give up. You must not be afraid. You must show the same kind of gumption as the cowboy, who, if he gets thrown off a horse, climbs right back on, and if he gets thrown off again, climbs right back on again, and so on, until virtually all of his brain cells are dead.
Back to Chapter 1.
Dave Barry
Introduction: Why It Was Probably A Mistake To Buy This Book
Chapter 1. Getting Ready To Get Real Depressed
Deciding Which House To Buy
Neighborhood Checklist
Choosing A Real Estate Broker
Chapter 2. How To Pretend To Look Knowledgeably At Houses
How Many Houses Should You Look At?
Home Inspection Checklist
The Roof
The Floors
The Plumbing
The Electrical System
Heating and Cooling
Insects
Chapter 3. How To Get Very Deeply Into Debt
How To Negotiate Like A Real Slimeball
Standard Agreement Of Sale
Are You Financially Fit?
Money You Have
Money You Need To Buy A House
The Ritual Closing Ceremony
Budget Meals For New Homeowners
Chapter 4. Moving: A Common Mistake
Professional Movers: How To Get Your Possessions Back
Moving Yourself
The Garage Sale
Getting A Bunch Of Empty Liquor Boxes And Hurling Things Into Them At Random
Helpful Packing Hints:
How To Move A Pet
How To Move Children
A Smart Moving Idea For Two-Car Families
Moving Your Possessions Into Your New Home
Unpacking
What Condition The Previous Owners Will Have Left Your New Home In
Getting Your New Phone, Gas, Electricity, Appliances, Cable Television, And Water Hooked Up
Chapter 5. Making New Enemies
Finding Somebody To Fix Your Car
Selecting A Supermarket
Joining Local Clubs And Organizations
Giving Money To The Local Police Association
Selecting A School For Your Child
Enrolling Your Children In Several Dozen After-School Activities
Chapter 6. It’s Noon: Do You Know Where Your Contractor Is?
The Basic Contracting Process
Chapter 7.Redecorating For Under 650,000 Dollars
Refinishing Furniture
Interior Design Hints From Top “Pros”
Chapter 8. Good Housekeeping, Or Learning To Live With Filth
Useful Home-Cleaning Hints
Chapter 9. Practical Home Weapons Systems
The Electronic Burglar Alarm System
A Large, Stupid Dog
One Final Word About Home Security
Crimestopper Tips
Chapter 10. A Lawn Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
The Very First Lawn
The Future: Lawns In Space
Lawn Care In America
Proper Lawnmower Care
Shrubs
Gardening
Chapter 11. Getting Some Fool To Buy Your House
The Best Way To Sell A House
Do You Need A Real Estate Broker?
How Much Should You Ask For Your House?
Getting Your House Ready To Show
Horrible Relatives
How You Will Feel After You Finally Sign The Agreement Of Sale