Declaration of Revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition
to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on
your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the
letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is
pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer
show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will
also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no
such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men
Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down
for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde"
is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry
guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe
you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you
will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are
Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
"crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of
the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st
2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.